I'm in the middle of a brain fart...

...and there's nothing that I can do about it. I was thinking about something I wanted to share with y'all but by the time I was in front of a PC, I had forgotten what I came to say. It seems to me that it was something good but who knows. Certainly, not I.

Anyway...I'm not trying but I'm getting a helluva tan. I'll send a picture ASAP. I just need to get my daughter to send them from her phone. I'm not orange like tan mom...but I'm not Irish white anymore either. The last time I TRIED to get a tan, 'Rumors' was album of the year. But now...since I've been walking just about everywhere except where the buses take me, I have to find the right corner and sit down. Then, I wait for the buss. Apparently, if you do that long enough, you change colors.

I'm alone at my daughter's place and I need to take a shower so I must leave you for now but know that everything is going swimmingly for me...as I hope it is for you as well.

:):):)

Yeah...I'm a flake.

And I have been for years. I admit that it's gotten much worse since the stroke, but part of my brain works perfectly well and others parts, not so much.  I can contemplate the theory of relativity but I can't remember why I opened the refrigerator. Was it for food or was I going to clean it? I don't know. For some reason, if I go back and continue what I was doing before I opened the stupid fridge, I'll remember almost immediately.

My father would have you believe that, as a woman, I'm simply relatively feeble minded. He implied his "women are idiots" thoughts for as long as I can remember and even refused to send me to college because, "I have 3 sons, I can't spend money on a girl, you'll just get pregnant anyway." I screwed him on that one by being the only kid out of 6 with a college degree that I obtained as a single mother. I like to choose my battles carefully so I let his chauvinism slide but I must admit, when I DO do something stupid, or something he perceives as stupid, he acts surprised and disgusted. It is my firm belief that he, and other like-minded men, lose the right to bitch about a women's behavior once they make it clear that they consider us less rational, bright and capable then themselves. In other words, once you accuse someone of being a dog, you can't lose your patience when that dog barks.

One way or another, I've been branded a flake often in my lifetime. I think I'm actually some sort of savant. I can be the first one done with a test in metaphysics for which I receive an easy A but I forget the words to the Happy Birthday song.

According to my daughter, I'm telling the same stories over and over again. I informed her that she should be glad I repeat myself over months. My 79 year old father can repeat himself 4 times in one day. Actually, the stories are the least of my problems. My daughter has rules that I am not familiar with such as being shoeless. I wear shoes and socks (unless I'm wearing sandals) all day long. I always have. I put them on in the morning and take them off at night. She takes her shoes off every time she walks in her door and leaves them behind a couch. She's done it for years so it comes quite natural to her. But it has been much longer that I've been wearing shoes so I might take a while to train. Old dogs DO learn new tricks, it's just takes a while.

So...little girl, be a bit more patient with me. Say something like, "Ma...shoes?" That's what I would have said to my mother (before she DIED). The disgusted "I don't know why you don't get it! JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES! How hard is that?" doesn't help any more than a gentle reminder would.

Love you!!!

Helpful Hints for a White Chick in the Hood

1. First, and extremely important...."KNOW YOU'RE LOCAL GANG AFFLIATION!!!" You don't have to be in a gang, but it IS wise to know whether you need to avoid wearing red or blue.
2. During the day, you can walk to the library or MccyD's...but when the sun goes down, don't go so far as the closest bus stop.
3. Be reticent around black men in the hood because they are actually worried about what might happen to a black dude walking with a white chick. Sad, but true.
4. Always be prepared to walk past a church with music SO GOOD that you simply must go in and sing along. Remember to turn off your cell phone. It may be in a language you don't know, but they all seem to shake hands with those next to them at some point...you should pay attention and join in.
5. Walk with a purpose...head held high, shoulders back and gut sucked in. Act as though you have an important plan and move quickly.
6. If while following the above helpful hint, you happen to trip over a messed up South Central LA sidewalk, just get up immediately. NO ONE IS GOING TO STOP AND OFFER HELP. If they do, you'll be missing a wallet.
7. Irish women have no business in the sun and 15 is nowhere near enough SPF.
8. When it comes to drinking, just say no...seriously. Twist one if you have it, but leave the booze alone.
9. You actually have to shower twice a day. I only do my hair in the morning, but by the afternoon, I simply must get the real or perceived grime off of my skin.
19. Above all, have fun! And don't forget to take advantage of becoming familiar with a part of life you never thought you would see outside of a Spike Lee movie.

Hi!

It's Wednesday morning and I'm dressed for the day, about to call my daughter to confirm our plans for Benihana tonight. I have other things on my mind but as always, I find it a jinx to discuss good stuff before it happens so I have to shut up for now.

A black dude actually said to me, "You aren't one of those pale white, white women."

Excuse me but, "Oh yes I am." All I had to do was pull my pants leg up to expose my lily white legs and that's when I realized that I can't do public transportation. Between waiting at bus stops, walking to bus stops and trying to find the right bus stop, I've turned into Beyonce...with longer hair.

Anybody in LA feel like shooting pool?

Good morning!!!

A nice young Crip dude is letting me borrow his laptop specifically so that I could holler at y'all so HEY!

Everyone in the place knows who took my laptop and being a decent, respectful person is paying off nicely. I'm the only white chick here but I've been so consistently pleasant that they're being very empathetic and supportive to me and they're all treating her as though she were invisible. Yea me!

I haven't chosen my goals for today...I always have at least one. I'll be back sooner now that people are letting me use their computers. They all knew I carried it everywhere and knew what it meant to me.. I would have rather she take anything...everything else...just not my laptop. Oh well...one day I'll have another one or I'll be dead and wouldn't have any use for it anyway.

BTW, You wouldn't recognize me, walking everywhere has turned me into a tanned grandma and at size 4, almost ready for the cool clothes. I feel as though I've been taking better care of my self which has me feeling better all around. I'm so grateful for that.

But just when I started feeling TOO good about myself, a bus driver offered me a seniors discount. This is one of the life crossroads...no longer can I refrain from ordering from the seniors menu, from now on they'll simply hand it to me.

Oh crap...

I guess something had to go wrong...too many positive things were happening in my life so I needed a reminder that it can all stop at anytime. (I don't know why I would need that reminder but it made sense when I wrote it.)

Anyway, this all started a couple weeks ago when I called to make an appointment with a primary care doc. The nit wit I spoke to said that I had to go through the ER so I did. I spent 24 hours in the ER and pharmacy and then lost my medication. Yesterday morning I got a phone call from UCLA who had been trying to reach me to let me know that they had my bag-O-drugs, including 2 bottles of controlled substances that a decent person found and returned to UCLA.

I was so pleased that someone honest found my stuff that I was in a mood where I was too happy to worry about thieves. So, I got ready and left to go back to UCLA and get my meds. Like a jack-ass, I left my laptop on my bed charging and naturally, when I got back, it had been stolen. I'm 74% I know who it is but I can't do much except be sad and miss my connection to the world. And, of course, to you guys.

I did change beds...the room we're in is like a huge office with cubicles only instead of desks, they have a bed in them. I moved as far away as I could from the "thief" and rearranged all of my stuff so that I could fit it all in the closet and then I put my lock on it, and shoved the empty suitcases under the bed.

Today I came to my daughter's place and I'm watching the baby until his father gets home from work. Then, I'll continue my education in riding the LA Metro Bus System. And I thought calculus was tough!

Obviously, I'll be rare for the foreseeable future but be assured that every chance I get, I'll come to tell you about my latest escapade.

This is a pickle!

As I was sitting out back in the sun, near an older man, I occasionally said something to him because that's the way I roll. He kept telling me that he was DEAF!"

Now, since the stroke, I've been very forgetful. I forgot that he was "DEAF!" and every 5 minutes or so, I said something else and he responded, louder each time as though I were deaf, "I'M DEAF!". I didn't even know how to tell him my problem...I could just write a note saying that I'm an idiot and I forget what he says the minute he says it.

Oh! I was sitting on a curb on a side street trying to get my bearings during one of my mass transportation escapades when a man came out of his house to tell me to "...move along with your red shirt, this is a "Crip street". That's actually closer to a gang fight than I ever thought I'd get.

The sad part was that my daughter had just bought me that shirt in Chi-Town...it said, "ABE FROMAN...The Sausage King of Chicago". I love that shirt so I guess I gotta be a Blood.

I like it!

OMG!!!

I asked my daughter if I could tap into her internet service and after a couple of days trying...I'm in! As long as this hotspot works, I think I'm online!

Let me explore this setup before I start writing again...this is so cool to me!

"You seem to be doing a good job at building a new life. The beach is good for that."

Yes I am and yes it is. I took a million buses to Venice Beach and danced with a man who was waltzing alone in front of some musicians playing on the boardwalk.

When I sat on the beach listening to the surf and feeling the sun beat down on my face I think..."This is just fine." Whatever else you can say, I feel well, I am taking care of businenss and I relax when I need to. I may be broke, I'm fine, my daughter is a phone call away and remember, I AM up to something.:)

Then I asked a 20-something dude if he would teach me to ride a skateboard. He did his best for about 20minutes and I finally went on my own. I plan on doing it more.

But, life is as comfortable as it's been in a while and it can only get better...but even on a bad day, I can still I can close my eyes and turn to the sun and know that I'm doing the right thing and better things are coming...much better things!

OK so...

...I went to bed early as I always do.

A while later a crazy chick woke me up, using her hands AND her mouth...told me to help her. I told her that I would help her in the morning but not in the middle of the night. I went back to sleep. At 3 AM, I rolled over and saw her sitting on a chair, staring at me as I was sleeping. I tried reasoning with her but that didn't work so I got up, asumming it was morning without checking the time. I drank my coffee and got dressed, and started helping her. She was being a bitch but I was ignoring her when all of a sudden, a lady who was in charge at night came up and asked us what the hell we were doing, cleaning sinks at 3 AM.

Imagine my surprise.

She said she was the only one who assigns chores and NOT at 3AM!

Well, now I'm wide awake and have taken a walk to the local MccyD's to tell you about my latest adventure. I haven't decided what to do today but I'm leaning toward the beach. I have been busy making forward progress, I think it's time to relax!

SORRYaboutTHEspaceBAR,itBROKEoff.:(:(:(

I found a 30 minute...

...free trial so I'll try to catch you up.

So after I found a dependable place to live, the next chore on my list was getting my meds refilled. Talk about a waste...I couldn't make an appointment with the doctor without going in through the ER at UCLA. So, after literally spending 20 hours in the ER waiting room, I got my scripts. Then I had to wait until 8 for the pharmacy to open and another hour to get my meds.

So, 2 subways and 4 buses later, I was walking the last couple of blocks when I realized that I no longer held the bag that held my medicine. At that point I had been up for well over 24 hours. So, I decided to just go to sleep and tackle that one in the morning.

As I was showering, I wondered whether I should go to another hospital and start over again or just go back and trust the truth. It sort of worked, the doc wouldn't give me my pain meds but she did give me my xanax which I really need. So, I spent Tuesday through Thursday getting my meds, losing them and then getting them again.
Next, I have to go on the next item on the list...have some fun this weekend.

NEXT MORNING ON DESKTOP:

But...not without at least one screw up! I went to bed early when I got home from the doc yesterday and took a nap. I ended up sleeping so long that I woke up when someone turned on the lights and started washing the floor. I noticed it was dark but it always is when I wake up. So, I took a shower, got dressed, got myself a cup of coffee, drank it and called my father for my usual Sunday cal. Well, it wasn't morning. It was a bit after 9 PM by then (yes, I WAS wondering why it was so dark in the morning!) Of course, 9PM PCT is midnight EST. I woke my dad up to chat. He was not in a chatty mood.

So, I went back to bed and woke up again. I walked to MccyD's to go online but it didn't work so I called my son-in-law and asked him to come get me so that I could use his desktop and get the rest of my stuff that my daughter's been keeping since I got here.

As for me...I'm actually feeling rather well and with less stress and a non-crisis oriented life, my health seems to be improving. And with no one to yell at me constantly, I'm feeling better about myself and gaining the energy and motivation to do what needs to be done. Thanks for your support...IT'S WORKING!

Good morning!

I'm at MccyD's sucking coffee and internet service. Life is much calmer now that I have a place to stay. It isn't free but I get my own space with a locker and a lock.

My spacebar is messed up so I may have to leave it like that until I get to my daughter's desktop. Right now I'm sitting in a MccyD's in South Central LA listening to Ruby Tuesday. I've been accomplishing the things on my list, it just takes a long time by bus. I need a map...I don't know this part of LA like I know ALL of Chicago. Of course, there's no Sears Tower telling me which way is east. That sucks. I actually have to get all Ferdinand Magellen and look at the sky to get my bearings straight.

Yep...this most certainly IS an adventure. Do you realize that I could do anything I want to do?

UPDATE...not much else but...

...I wanted to, at the very least, let you know what I'm up to.

OK...so the state put me up at a motel for 28 days at which time the cash on my general relief came so that I could no longer receive the motel vouchers. So, the money is there but I had no place to stay. I spent the weekend looking and finally found an acceptable place that charges, literally, 7/8's of your benefit. Whatever, I'm good with it.

My daughter left me some cash yesterday so today I walked and bussed from the place I'm staying to Target. The last bus stop I was at before I got to Target was in Watts. They actually had quite a few signs announcing your arrival into their infamous midsts. Anyway, I bought a decent sheet set and a clip on light so that I can clip it on the bed at night if I feel like reading. They don't have WiFi. But, I can always find a Starbucks or MccyD's.

So...yesterday my daughter and her son left by airplane to visit her father's family. He has a lovely family and my kids are blessed to be a part of it.

One more thing...I decided to treat my life like a game. Remember that game where kids all leave the house with a bobby pin and they trade their way up to bigger things? The one who comes back with the biggest item wins. Let's see how well I can parlay the support of my daughter and you guys into bigger(by that I mean better!) things.

:):):)

My daughter is a fountain of support...

...and she sometimes surprises me with her acts of kindness. They include numerous little things like bringing me coffee or big things like making it possible for me to spend a couple of days at the Hilton. It's really been soothing for mind, body and soul. Some of the many things that my daughter does include making mental notes of things I say and making good whatever deficit I may have pointed out. From lip-liner and deodorant to Cubs games and Hilton stays, she very rarely lets me want for anything. She even goes so far as to anticipate my needs and leaves the solution behind like the eye make-up remover she brought me yesterday. She saw my raccoon eyes in the morning and without saying a word, bought me some remover. Lovely indeed... but this is where things get sticky.

This morning as I was toweling off after my bath, I looked to the vanity and the various shower accoutrement and noticed some Oil of Olay wrinkle cream. I did a double take and realized that my daughter had purposely left me the Oil of Olay. Ain't that a bitch?

Now she called and she's on her way over so I have to run. Back soon!   

I'm sitting in the lobby of the Hilton...

...as I write to you guys. The same me is treated completely differently when I'min the Hilton as opposed to when I'm standing in line at the Social Services offices. It's quite remarkable, considering the fact that wherever I am, I'm the same person. And this person is most certainly up to something. I get such a bolt of energy thinking about the fact that I get to say that.

I'm doing many things and one of those things is gathering support for my next challenge...the rest of my life. To quote Titanic's Jack, and "making it count". That, it seems...would be the challenging part. But...I know that I require support from others. So far, my daughter is taking on the lion's share. I love her for that and trust that she's right in her convictions. I've been actively seeking support elsewhere as well. Family would be perfect but I don't have that sort of family. I'll get the support I need...I'm sure. I have so far.

Anyway, with your support as well...I promise you something cool is in my not too distant future.

I needed to read this again...

Today you asked why I would prefer to stay in the hideous rooming house that I'm staying in now. You called the other residents words that I would never repeat. You tell me how filthy the place is. You constantly remind me that I'm in "the hood", living with the "lowest form of life imaginable" and that "everybody knows only crack whores stay in places like this".

I could come back to you but being in this place has given me time to think. Yes, it is dreadful. But it's better than going back to you. Yes, you heard me, this place is better than yours.

You're right, the bed is full of bed bugs. But not one of those suckers has broken one of my bones. I can fall asleep in that bed without anyone shaking me and saying, "What's wrong? Why don't you sit with me? You must be up to something!" Yes, I can go to bed early without it being a clue that I have an ulterior motive for doing so. I can even get up early, like I love to do because early morning is such a peaceful time of the day. I've done it for decades. Never once has anyone gotten mad because, "if I had nothing to hide, I wouldn't need to have any time alone". So yeah, the bed has bugs...but it's better than your bed.

Maybe I am staying in a bad neighborhood, but I'm free to walk out the door and walk around without anyone following me demanding to know where I'm going. I can walk around quietly enjoying the weather and the old houses without anyone embarrassing me by shouting in the street because they know I'll do almost anything to avoid causing a scene.

And yes, I see cockroaches every night when I wake up to go to the bathroom. But I never find them groping my private areas when I wake up. They don't beg me for sex using lines like, "C'mon, it'll only take 5 minutes."

I've even met a few people who you would call "crazy". They may have mental issues, but they have never threatened suicide in an attempt to keep me in their presence. They don't try to control other people by any means necessary and they would never hide my dog so that I couldn't leave.

I can only afford to eat Ramen Noodles but you didn't pay for them so no one holds it over my head when I eat them. I'd rather eat those noodles than eat a steak that you cooked if I have to listen to you say things like, "I bought you dinner, don't I get anything for that?" Food tastes much better when you don't feel like you have to pay for it with your mind, soul and body...even Ramen Noodles.

And yeah, my clothes were donated to the shelter and they look terrible. My shoes were donated too and they're so big that I have a Bozo thing going but they're clean and I didn't have to go near you to get them.

Men around here have hit on me but they take no for an answer. They don't get mad at me and call me a bitch because I'm not interested in a romantic relationship...or romance itself for that matter. And they leave it at hitting on me, not ME.

And maybe these men are all the "scum of the earth". But when I sit and chat with them, they listen to what I say. They laugh at my jokes, they seem to enjoy my company and they make me feel good about myself. They do that by allowing me to BE myself without bitching at everything I say or do.

Everyday I have to walk everywhere I go but I can walk on a sidewalk, not eggshells.

Maybe some of the people here ARE drug addicts. But I've never seen one of them get so messed up that they locked me in a room to keep me from leaving.

Yes, I was robbed of the little bit of food that I had left. But no one sucked the life out of me and isolated me for so long that I have no one to help me get out of this situation.

The cops do, indeed, come here often. But it's never to arrest someone for assaulting me.

So, back to your question asking why I would rather stay here than go home with you...if you don't get the message from reading what I just wrote, I can't help you. Just know that there was a time in my life when I actually had a life. I would have looked at this place with fear and pity. But compared to staying with you, right now this is the Taj Mahal

PERSPECTIVE

What he sees: Me being a bitch.

What I see: Me NOT kissing ass.

I'll be back today but for now, here's this...

Hi there.

I've been cooped up in a room whilst trying to figure out how to summon the strength to do what I need to do. Today's a good day...I seem to have plenty of strength. Stupidity reigned supreme today around some social service issues but it's nothing that standing in line for an hour won't fix. I really need to get a better way to get in touch with you guys.

Right now, I need to know that you're out there. When I do, I seem to know that someone is waiting for me to come back even though I know there are people out there who have been hanging long enough to understand what's going on but do wonder themselves. I'm still here, I'm just cocooning so that I can change (she said after many failed attempts to spell that word metamorphing or something like that). I'm not sure what I'm up to, but I'm up to something. I' at my daughter's and will be babysitting as she and her husband go to Benihana's. Now, that's what I'm here for.

:)

Knock Three Times - Tony Orlando and Dawn