Diary Of My Divorce

2012-01-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

As usual...

...I've been gaining weight over the winter (or whatever they call the season when it isn't 90 degrees daily in Florida). I don't mind my actual weight, but I do mind the uncomfortable fit of the few jeans that I have. The only jeans that fit me comfortably are the 2 pair of granny jeans with elastic waistbands that I've had for years, wearing only when I'm at home and not too concerned with my wardrobe du jour. So, I need to put a stop to the weight gain and, with any luck at all, lose a few pounds of belly fat.

During another attempt to drop a few pounds, I became addicted to fruit smoothies that I purchased from the Smoothie King around the corner. It seemed like a good idea until I became aware of the calorie count of those delicious libations. I decided to create my own fruit potions, thereby controlling the ingredients, the fat content and the healthfulness of my libations.

Sometimes my recipes were failures, but after months of trying different combinations of fruit and ice, I've found a few excellent medleys that I'd like to share with you.

Today my recipe was quite easy and quite tasty. I simply dropped about a cup of seedless green grapes and about 10 ice cubes into my blender. After less than a minute of blending, I had a grape icee that was delicious, healthful and filling.

I've also come up with other recipes that I was pleased with. I love berries of any kind so I can toss in any combination of berries and ice...those are extremely good. Strawberries and ice alone is my personal favorite but you can use whatever fruits you like.

These concoctions are GREAT for children, fruit served blended with ice is a great "dessert" for them...especially during the dog days of summer. They haven't a clue that they're consuming healthy drinks, to them these smoothies are simply treats along the lines of popsicles, especially if you freeze and serve them AS popsicles.

Here are a few combinations that I've found to be particularly good:

Peaches, pears and plums

Apples, oranges and blueberries

Strawberries and bananas

Berry medley...strawberries, blueberries and raspberries

Kiwi, bananas and blackberries

Obviously you can use whatever fruit you like. Some fruits liquefy easily and some don't. If you're blending a fruit or fruits that don't, you can add a splash of water or fruit juice of any kind. Also, you can add a touch of sugar if you find the mixture too tart for your taste although I prefer to add a fruit that will cut down on the tartness such as a banana. I don't peel most of my fruit but you certainly can do so if you (or your kids) prefer it without the peel although when you DO peel a fruit, you've peeled away the most nutritious part of the fruit.

Add the ice after the fruit, beginning with small amounts as you can always add more. Also, you can use frozen fruits which cut down on the amount of ice needed to make a decent drink. Smoothies are expensive when you purchase them at your local smoothie store. Making your own is much less costly and your own recipes are far less mysterious. Using fresh fruit (or frozen fruit) that you've purchased and rinsed yourself will not contain any chemical additives.

Last summer I bought a bag of frozen "fruit" that is made specifically for smoothies. The picture on the bag had some white blobs that I mistook for bananas. The blobs were NOT fruit, I don't know what the heck they were. I assume they were added to enhance the consistency of the smoothie but I see no reason to tamper with the consistency of the fruit mixtures. It was shortly after that purchase that I began making my own. The bag-O-smoothie was about 10 bucks and for that price, you can limit your purchases to fruit alone and that's all you need to make these suckers (that and the ice). Your family will enjoy them and you will be pleased to see them enjoy such healthy creations. They can be served as dessert, enjoyed as a snack or you can simply drink one before a meal in order to fill yourself up before attacking it.

If you find any combinations that are really good, please feel free to let me know in the comments so that others will be able to try different recipes that I haven't come up with!

2012-01-18T12:40:00.000-08:00

My grandson met a nice young lady at his physical therapy appointment. She has been going longer than he so she has her prosthetic. She was kind enough to lend him her hand!

This is the two of them on a date:

Thoughts For Today

2012-01-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

San Francisco has stifled the happiness of many children by eliminating toys from Happy Meals at McDonald's. Luckily for me, I'm not in San Francisco...I'm in Florida. I ordered a Happy Meal the other day and after I put down my kid's size iced tea, I reached into my Happy Meal, pulled out my Mccy D's fries (some of the best fries in the world if salted just right), my hamburger and my toy. BUT...my Happy Meal was not over because my Happy Meal bag wasn't empty. Much to my surprise and happiness, I pulled out an airplane size bag of butter cookies. That's right folks, while the fascists in California were busy taking the toys OUT of their Happy Meals, the lovely Florida McDonald's people were putting dessert IN the Happy Meals sold here. Now THAT'S happiness.

As I was cleaning my bedroom this evening, I found my To-Do List. There was nothing on it. At least I found the sucker. I also found my driver's license, one of my good bras I'd been missing for weeks and my small lap-top computer.

My sister is an optician and the doctor she works with gives family of employees free eye exams. This morning I had to accompany my father to his appointment because they would be putting dilating drops in his eyes. He still wanted to drive home. I let him because I had a really bad headache and if he so much as tapped another car, I was demanding a ride to the hospital where they keep the morphine. We had about 3 close calls, but he never actually hit anything and he drove just well enough to be able to continue complaining about the idiots and assholes that were driving around us.

I went on a "first date" with a guy tonight. As we were driving, he threw trash out the car window even though he had a bag designated for trash in the front seat floorboard. If I ever see him again, it will be to throw a fistful of rubbish in his face. I'd drive around with garbage in my cars for hours looking for a trash can before I would EVER toss it out the window. It can't be just me...this guy knows about this blog so if you understand how despicable I felt when he littered our planet, please leave a comment to that effect. Fell free to comment anonymously, using foul language if you must.

I'm pretty sure I'll think again in the morning so I'll be back with more of that.

:):):)

2011-12-31T15:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes karma takes years...

...to knock a person back a bit but it always seems to do it's job. Personally, I'm counting on it to get my hideous ex back for the cowardly manner in which he ended our marriage. It seems to be working, I've been sent emails about him and he doesn't seem to be winning friends and influencing people lately. But today, karma seems to be on MY ass for something I did in the 80's.

My girlfriend Melissa and I had gone out for a drink after work. We were sitting at the bar at a cute little college hang-out around the corner from my apartment. We stopped by to chat and relax, not to find love for the evening. Whilst we were sitting there talking to each other, a creepy guy sat next to us and started a conversation that no one but he wanted to be part of. I looked at his face and saw a couple of nasty looking sores. I couldn't help but wonder how he had gotten the sores as he tried to engage us in some unwanted form of flirtation. He hadn't yet zeroed in on either one of us so I decided to narrow his options by insulting him. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Those sores on your face look awfully contagious." Melissa laughed so hard at that comment that he gave up on both of us and just walked away.

That was a nasty comment, but no nastier than the face he used to assault us. Anyway, today I am the yahoo with a nasty face and I won't be going far to celebrate the New Year. For some reason, my face started swelling up the other day and now the entire right half of my face is red and swollen and all I can think of is that young man. I wonder where he is tonight and I wonder if the sores on his face ever healed.

And I also wonder if karma is headed for that cretinous ex of mine this year.

Happy New Years!

2011-12-18T09:32:00.000-08:00

Is it me...

...or do emails like this one grate on anyone elses last raw nerve?

Dear Santa, I don't want much for Christmas, I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are the fruit cake of life --- some nutty, some soaked in alcohol, some sweet but mix them together and they're my friends . At Christmas you always hear people talking about what they want & bought.
This is what I want: I want people who are sick with no cure, to be cured. I want children with no families to be adopted. I want people to never have to worry about food, shelter & heat. I want peace on earth, goodwill and love for everyone! Now, let's see how many people forward this.
Merry Christmas

And there isn't a thing you can do to prevent them because you really do care for your otherwise intelligent friends and seriously, what are you gonna say, "Please stop sending me those emails about hope and kindness, they make me ill."?

Yeah, I'm a bitch. Sorry about that. But I got nuthin' but love for ya, buddy!

Johnny Cash cover of great Springsteen song!!!

2011-12-18T09:30:00.000-08:00

2011-12-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

As I've neared...

...the day upon which I kick the bucket, I've noticed some changes to my body, the likes of which I haven't seen since I was wearing the "Grows as She Grows" bra that my mother bought me in 1969.

Most of the changes were expected so, while sad, they weren't at all shocking to my body image. For example, I've heard about gray hair, bad backs and dowager's humps. Also, sadly, I can prove that gravity exists AND earn some Mardis Gras beads at the same time. If I tried to flip you off with my left hand, I would baffle you because arthritis has caused my left middle finger to bend sharply to one side at the knuckle. In addition, oddly, little tiny, itsy bitsy skin tags have begun to grow under my boobs which would have shocked me had I not encountered that special little symptom of female deterioration during my years as a nurse. Frustratingly, no matter how much weight I lose, taekwondo I practice or bike riding I do, I still possess and maintain Oprah arms that shake and wiggle should I wave. Beleaguering though these symptoms may be, none of them have been as perplexing as one odd "body change" that I never saw coming. And I mean that literally, I never saw this change begin and slowly evolve...one day I simply found it in all it's decrepit glory.

The particular change to which I refer is one that involves body hair. I was aware that body hair changes were an option...but I was expecting it to grow on my face or my upper lip. I knew about that possibility because I used to be married to an Italian with a large family that included numerous middle aged and older mustachioed women. But, being the fair Irish woman that I am, my facial hair changes are almost impossible to see so I don't waste time worrying about it. I certainly don't care enough to participate in any painful waxing activities.

(Some body hair is even open to fashion attitudes of the day...apparently pubic hair is currently out of style but once again, it doesn't bother me enough to give someone cash in return for the application of hot wax and severe pain so hairy I remain.)

But, one change involving hair I had never even considered was a change that I noticed relatively recently. To put it bluntly, I am now the unhappy possessor of some seriously virile and audacious toe hair.

I give, bring on the damn wax.

Morrison was right, people ARE strange.

2011-12-16T14:42:00.001-08:00

2011-12-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

Rick, get lost.

Hillsborough County Florida: A Safe Haven For Stalkers!!!

2011-12-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

"Stalking is a term commonly used to refer to unwanted and obsessive attention by an individual or group to another person. Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and may include following the victim in person and/or monitoring them via the internet."

"Florida Statutes define stalking as: Any person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows or harasses another person commits the offense of stalking. This is a misdemeanor of the first degree, punishable by a maximum fine of $1000.00 and or 1 year in jail. Any person who willfully, maliciously, and repeatedly follows or harasses another, and makes a credible threat with the intent to place that person in fear of death or bodily injury, has committed the offense of aggravated stalking, a felony of the third degree, punishable by a maximum fine of $5000.00 and/or 5 years in state prison. To "harass" means to engage in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that causes substantial emotional distress in such person and serves no legitimate purpose."

Those definitions appear to be rather straightforward but if you ask the police for assistance, they will tell you to "change your email address and phone number". When my stalker was sending emails to the wrong email address, he called the police when I didn't respond and accused me of stealing his drugs. As you can see in this email, he even purports to have a "wittness" (sic) who saw me run away with a handful of pills looking like I was eating them all as I ran. In this email, he also threatens to call my children and harass them:

since your sic mind doesnt know the reality of youre brilliant writings on youre blog is evidence of the crime yulling for help. you just stold my prescription meds. you nut calling sheriff tomarrow,its time for reality meg youre a thief tramp,celf centered mental patient. youre babbeling on the blog is one sided thats what you bank
on now the truth is coming out in the light.I have talked to the sheriffs office and the wittness that saw you run.saw you with a hand full of my pills and you acting like you were going to eat them,so phone calls to will,annie,sheriffs office in the am this time youre dun. you arent special, youre sick,you know it. so does everyone else. reality is a bitch now deal with narcotics theft.remember the last time.they werent narcotics these were,family knows everyone will know what a nut you really are.this isnt the internet not one sided you broke the law thats the truth thief,hope you get time in the mental hosp.its where you belong.tried to bate you over today,with zanny and vike but you dident bite you suck. white trash

The Hillsborough County Sheriff's were called after the stalker came to my home, knocking on my door and demanding that I open it to "talk" to him. When I showed the deputies the countless emails where this nutcase threatened suicide, continued harassment and even offered me "zanny and vike" (the drugs he reported that I stole from him, making that report hours after sending this email) they suggested that I change my email address. When my father mentioned the numerous harassing messages that the nut had left on his phone, the police suggested that he change his phone number. We didn't complain that we were receiving emails and phone calls, we complained that a nut was stalking us, harassing us and threatening to stalk and harass everyone we know.

(The nut did eventually contact my ex husband who I never discussed in front of him. But, from reading this blog, he gleaned enough information to be able to find my ex in Montana and engage him in "Isn't Meg a nut?" conversations. My idiot ex took the bait like the jack ass he is.)

So, I've been made aware that the nut has a gun, he has loaded it, he keeps in in plain view so I'm sure to see it should I be fool enough to return to his home after seeing it once. He has threatened suicide in emails to me which I showed the police. What did the men in blue do? They came over here, all three of them men, and treated the silly little female as though she were at fault. Obviously if someone is stalking me using emails, I should change my email address. If I'm receiving threatening and harassing phone calls, I should change my number. Ignoring a nutty stalker only serves to make the fool seek other avenues through which he can continue his behavior. This fool WILL NOT be ignored. After doing so, he knocks on the door...what do I do next, change my address? Perhaps I should brick up the door. If he shoots at me, is it my fault for not wearing a bullet proof vest? That seems to be the logic employed by the local men hired to protect me. I refer to the men in particular because the woman to whom I spoke on the phone was absolutely helpful and quite aware of the danger this nut poses. I guess it takes a man to assume that another man is nothing more than a mere nuisance, a gnat that can be batted away and ignored.

To be fair, Officers Santiago and Herd did offer me a brochure explaining what to do when you're being stalked. It even mentioned emails. But, it never suggested that a victim change their email address. It did say that the emails should be saved. But if you save them and show them to the police, your assistance is an EXTREMELY offensive, "Change your email address." I wonder, when one of these officers encounters an infant with a raging fever, do they drop the kid in ice water? That will tend to cool the baby off, but it really does nothing to address the infection that is actually causing the fever.

I've been dumped in Hillsborough County ice water.

2011-12-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

For years I've been...

...coming here and sharing stories about different things with an emphasis on my men du jour, especially the really good ones...and the ones who make me glad I don't identify the most red-flag waving men with whom I come into contact. There have been mashers, ego-maniacs, horny fat bald men...not to mention more than my share of simpletons, alcoholic rednecks and PTSD stricken Viet Nam vets. I'm proud to say that none of them, not even the simpleminded, PTSD stricken alcoholic redneck who I met in Cartersville Georgia...has ever harmed me in anyway, physically, mentally or psychopathically. So, I rarely use real names. As a matter of fact I think I've only done it 2 or 3 times and the last time was years ago. Of course, if I'm discussing a current event from the news, I do use the names previously published. Other than that, it takes an odious, loathsome, evil and malodorous soul to be publicly outed by yours truly.

Well, I'm about to do it again.

Now, I've mentioned CreepyDude and Hoveround-Dude numerous times lately. I never mentioned that they were the same cretin. I wasn't trying to hide anything, obviously...I just never thought twice about it because it really didn't matter a bit. But, at some point, his hoveround habits seemed outweighed by his creepiness...hence, the change in moniker. In case you missed some of the largest, brightest and most odoriferous red flags, let me list a few for you.

---He delivered the worst line I've ever heard......(and I've been listening since the late 60's):"It'll only take 5 minutes, I just need relief. "

---Numerous conversations of this ilk:

He: Could you look up Norelco?
Me: Give me a minute, I'm in the middle of writing a sentence.
He: But all I need is for you to..."
Me: I can't now, I'm in the middle of a train of thought."
He: This won't take long.".
Me: Let me finish this, it'll just take a minute..."
He: All I need is for you to order 2 parts!"
Me: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!
He: Why do you always have to yell?

---He offers to buy me a car but bitches EVERY SINGLE TIME I walk out the door...any door.

---He visited me in the hospital, against my wishes, unannounced and said he HAD to because I wouldn't answer his phone calls.

---When I ignore him long enough he does malicious, iniquitous and fiendish things designed to punish me for not responding to his phone calls, shouts (OF MY NAME!!!) across the condo complex and emails, most of which he sends to the wrong email address. He just can't get mine right no matter how many times he sends it to innocent, unexpecting chicks with Gmail accounts and names similar to mine. The last two times I ignored him completely for any length of time, he has sunk to calling the local sheriff to accuse me of breaking and entering his condo and robbing him. He even told one deputy that I pinched his sad-ass homegrown quality bag-O-weed. Most recently, he sent an officer to my door last week accusing me of robbery again. (I think it was robbery, they didn't arrest me and appeared to be as embarrassed as I was. The poor flat-feet are only doing their jobs.)

---He calls OVER AND OVER again when he sees my father drive out of the complex. Dad's never gone more than 5 minutes or so before the phone rings which shows me that he is staking out my father, or at least his car. For some stupid reason, when my father isn't here, he calls from one cell phone...and when my father IS here, he calls from another one as though my father didn't figure it out after 2 or 3 calls.

---He "bought" me a dog. But...since I didn't have my license with me, we had to use his for the purchase but the dog was put in both of our names. While I was in the hospital, he kept the dog for me and when I got out, he wouldn't let me have him. When I left, he asked what he was supposed to do with "my dog" as though my exit was tantamount to abandoning the poor little guy. I told the nut to give me the dog and he said, "No, you'll take him to the condo with 1 white guy and 3 "n****rs" who run that crack house in B5.". I said I didn't know what he was talking about, I've never even SEEN crack (seen plenty of other stuff, but never, ever have I seen crack). But there wasn't a thing I could say, he had an hallucinatory, quixotic and condemnatory retort for any posture I assume.

---As further castigation for attempting to get this maniacal dullard as far from me and my life as possible, he told me that, "If I don't stay with him, my dog will die." He didn't actually say HE would kill the dog, but the potential occurred to me.

---He lied to me about his age and about 99.99998389 % of everything else he's ever told me.

---When he shops at Best Buy, he walks all over that big store. They don't always have motorized carts with little baskets so he just has to ramble on over to the furthest reaches of the store. BUT...when we shot into the grocery store to get one thing that I walked straight to, I had to wait forever for him to find me after he darted off, unbeknownst to me, to jump on his ride and meander over to the dishwashing liquid aisle. My patients roll around in those suckers, not men who should be trying to impress me.

---He parks in the handicapped spot even if there's an empty spot for anyone immediately to the left of the gimp spot. He can't even save the handicapped spot for someone with a REAL disability who might come along and actually NEED the spot.

---He has offered these incentives should I agree to be with him:

1. His elderly parents will die soon, he needs someone to help spend him inheritance.
2. I would get him, a "pretty good catch, it's not like he "doesn't know how good looking" he is.
3. He has promised me a car in the past but all I want is the freedom to walk away, barring that a car is useless to me.
4. He won't follow through on the plan he "developed with the sheriff's department" to deliver the SWAT Team to the "crack house" I've been "seen" frequenting.
5. A new pair of glasses, Christmas gifts for my kids, a "wonderful life" where I don't have to worry about a thing.

---He told me that he has a gun because lately so many people are messing with his happiness so yeah, he's gonna carry the gun in case anyone gets in his way. That was today, last week he mentioned off-handedly that, "I decided that I should load my gun so, just so you know...it is loaded." Then, one day when I went over to try to get my dog, he got upset when I wouldn't cross the threshold. He chose that moment to mention that he had started keeping his gun handy as he pointed to it. It was on a dining room table less than 5 feet from the front door which was open so I had a clear view of the gun. I quickly bolted and haven't returned.

---As a result of my constant rebuffs, rejections of his "offers", rebukes and refusals, he sent me the following email that I copied and pasted directly from the email to this post:

"iam ready to take all my pain plls think that will help me i do cya"

---He drove around the complex and when he saw me sitting in the shade of our Florida room, he shouted out, "CUNT!!!" I laughed because I was the only person who knew it was for me. All the other neighbors just had to wonder why a 63 year old man was driving around, alone in his car, shouting obscenities out the window.

---When he couldn't get in touch with me, he went to my girlfriends condo harassing her. She told me that he knocked on every door in her building (she's the only chick) and a few other doors around the complex (where other men live) accusing the occupants of "harboring" me. (Harboring was his word, hence the quotes.)

As stupid as it might sound, I actually had a good reason for associating with him. (Well, I thought it was a good reason at the time.) And, if I ever finish recording my walk on the "act like a child" side, it just might benefit me in some way. Anyway, I'll explain that some other time. That rationale doesn't remove my responsibility for what has happened...I'm aware of that. But, I hope my reasons mitigate my culpability to some extent.

I've been trying to give him as little information as possible so that he couldn't harass as many people as he could if he knew more about me. He's also made it clear to me that anyone I care about, may care about or ever have cared about is not at all safe from his wrath. But, even as I was trying to protect, myself, my family, my friends and other people who have nothing to do with this pathetic situation...he did find this blog. And what he did after that is what will get him the honor of being publically outed as the degenerate, miscreant and all around reprehensible loser that he is.

I had foreseen a few potential acts of treacherous behavior. I knew about the gun. I knew he was manipulating me using the love my dog and I have for each other and the concern I have for Butkis when I'm not with him. I knew he had embarrassed me in front of people I've never met when he disturbed their lives in a most unpleasant manner. I knew he had intruded upon every aspect of my life that I ever mentioned to him. But, today I found out that he has been communicating with my ex-husband and pathetic members of his family who have nothing better to do than to communicate with a potentially dangerous, obviously unbalanced misfit as long as it means meddling in my life. So, since my ex and the aberrant nitwit that I foolishly associated with seem to enjoy chatting with others who know me, perhaps some of you might be interested in contributing. Here is Walt's Facebook link, feel welcome to accuse me of things I've never done, call me some undeserved names and be sure to give him lists of my current activities. Don't worry if you don't have a clue what I've been up to, veracity is not required in his games. If you friend the nut, you can even keep up with his self-serving babbles.

Walt Lundy
rick i live in tampa fla and think i have met youre x wife,meg kelso . i have heare her bash you , cuss you for a while, i was dateing her over the summer,i wanted to find out if she has severe mental, drug problems,we are not seeing eachother any more as she has broken into my condo, stole my nerve pills sleeping pills and recently she robbed me for my pain meds. called sheriffs if youre the rick in montana or out west i sure would like to talk to you i really think shes a timebomb, please reply if youre the guy thanks walt

Rick Kelso
Hey Walt, Yes I am the guy, sorry to hear what she did to you. Wow it's really hard to believe she is still bashing me after almost 7 years, i forgave her a long time ago. I would suggest to stay far away from her as possible as she can be very vendictive.

Walt Lundy
does she have mental problems? drug dependance all she talked about is she needed her zanex and she would be fine right, she ran off half crazy

Rick Kelso
She hasn't learned to forgive so the drugs take the place. Course I smoke a lot of weed myself.

Walt Lundy
youre right thanks

Here's Walt's Facebook link:

http://www.facebook.com/walterjlundy

2011-12-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

Today I found out...

...that CreepyDude knows how to get here and read what I wrote. I asked if anything was "untrue" and he had to admit that nothing I had written was false. So, now I know he found my little rant rag. After a bit of thought, I decided not to let his discovery color what I write here. So, on with the latest report of his actions that leave me jaw dropped and head shaking.

I walked away (to be more accurate, I RAN away) from him recently after I tried to leave his place and he refused to allow me egress so I did the best thing I could think of at the moment, I shouted for help and ran out the back door before he could stop me. Now, most people would take that as a hint that perhaps a relationship is souring a tad. Not CreepyDude...he saw that as a "snag in the relationship".

Before I continue, let me say that I had considered the fact that I would look like a jack-ass for participating in this odd behavior. I thought that perhaps I should keep it all to myself and never admit to any of this. But, then it occurred to me that I've admitted to other stupid stuff so what the heck...perhaps someone will learn something from my antics. So, here it is.

A snag can be fixed and CreepyDude is attempting to fix this one. After I escaped he left me alone for a short time and then he began his efforts to de-snag our relationship. His first efforts were reruns...he waited until my father left and tried calling in an attempt to catch me alone. Thanking the tech gods for caller ID, I easily avoided those annoying tidbits. So, he came up with a better idea. This morning he stopped outside of the condo, honked his horn, shouted my name and basically embarrassed me immensely but I couldn't let that work for him lest he begin doing it on a regular basis.

I got myself dressed and went into the kitchen where my father and I were having a lovely chat when CreepyDude came up and knocked on my door. He caught me off guard and my first reaction was to leave my father to deal with him alone but I quickly decided that Dear Old Dad had done nothing to deserve that so I opened the door myself and quickly walked outside to lessen the effect on my innocent father. CreepyDude wanted to "talk" so I said, "Go ahead and talk."

That wasn't good enough for him, he wanted me to go to his place and chat there. I told him that I wasn't in the mood to be kidnapped and that I had things to do. That's true, I told my dad I would dismantle his screen door and clean it. But, I knew that I had escaped his place so quickly that I left a few things over there so I had to go get them anyway. That's how I ended up back at the scene of the crime.

Once I got there, he began to argue his case. He lacks the self confidence that is required of one who wants to be cared about for himself alone so he feels the need to ply me with things that he thinks I (or any other woman) would want. This is not new, he has promised me a car in the past but all I want is the freedom to walk out the door, barring that a car is useless to me. What was new was his offer. I'm paraphrasing somewhat here, but the point (and most of the words) are accurate:

He: The other day my mother's nurse took her blood pressure and it was 150/130 so he called the doctor to find out what he should do. You know, my parents won't be around much longer. When they go I'll be left with their condo, my condo and 3 cars. I need someone to help me spend the money.

Now, it's true that his parents are old (89 and 90) but they are lovely people and despite the spike in blood pressure, they could potentially be around for a good while. Of course, even if they died tomorrow, I wouldn't behave like a vulture, circling around waiting for their financial carrion.

Next he told me that he wanted to marry me so that "everything will be mine". Now, it IS true that I have been known to say that my next husband will be rich and extremely close to death, but "rich" is a relative term and "extremely" is the operative word in that phrase. I can't imagine how much cash it would take to get me to marry a man who is still walking and driving around town. I suppose if the man were somewhat pleasant, I might be able to wait a while for his demise. But, that is NOT the case here. Besides, this is just the type of person who would get me disinherited from every will I may or may not be in on my own.

Well, I did get out of that conversation with my belongings and my freedom but I am sure that I have not heard the last of CreepyDude so stay tuned.

2011-11-29T11:19:00.000-08:00

Worst line I've ever heard...

...(and I've been listening since the late 60's):

"It'll only take 5 minutes, I just need relief. "

Best line I've ever heard (and I was halfway through with a Long Island Iced Tea):

The guy licked his finger and then touched my sleeve before he offered to take me somewhere to "get out of these wet clothes."

(Had I been 100% sober, I would have found the best line to be gross after he licked his finger.)

2011-11-29T07:45:00.000-08:00

Interesting conversation that I just participated in:

He: Could you look up Norelco?
Me: Give me a minute, I'm in the middle of a sentence.
He: But all I need is for you to..."
Me: I can't now, I'm in the middle of a thought."
He: This won't take long."
Me: Let me finish this, it'll just take a minute..."
He: All I need is for you to order 2 parts!"
Me: LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!
He: Why do you always have to yell?

By the way, if I want to take my temperature, I'll get a thermometer. Don't touch me whenever you feel the need to "know if I'm warm".

Ya know, now that I think of it, don't touch me at all. If I want to touch you, I will.

2011-11-22T03:51:00.000-08:00

I just got out...

...of the hospital and have found that one person has felt it necessary to tell others about my health issues. He is only privy to those issues because I let him close enough to see them. He seems to have no problem sharing that private info with anyone else, even the Facebook world. All the explaining in the world has failed to put a stop to the mouth that cannot close so I have come up with another idea. I shall repay a big mouth with another big mouth. Yep, I'm gonna tell you what an idiot this yahoo is and if he has a problem with that, he can always go back to the old rules, where everyone shuts up when appropriate. I could have played by the other rules at any time, but I default to discretion. It takes serial insensitivity to bring me out of default and it is with serial insensitivity that I have been slapped. So, the bitch in me has been evoked, almost as easily as it ever has been.

OK, when I was in the hospital and quite ill, I told CreepyDude that I wanted telephone notification of all visits. When I was too sick to answer the phone, he would show up anyway. I asked why he just showed up in my sick room without notice and he responded, "I called but you didn't answer." Apparently, if I am too sick to answer the phone, all I need is a visit from CreepyDude.

CreepyDude is one of those guys who doesn't like to let you out of his sight. He's also one of those guys who tries to bribe women with promises of material crap. When he promised me a "BMW or Mercedez", I laughed and said, "You don't like it when I walk down the street, you expect me to believe you would give me a car? The only car you would ever give me is one that you had the keys to."

To be fair, I have to admit that CreepyDude is actually handicapped in a way I have never seen. He is absolutely incapable of shutting up. He, and everyone within earshot, must hear him speak whether they care to or not. Therefore, I have learned to tune him out. He doesn't like it when I do that and he simply cannot understand why I wouldn't be fascinated by his babblings.

He is so full of shit that sometimes his mouth works faster than the part of his brain that thinks up lies. He has to stop, and when he does, you can actually hear him thinking up a lie that would fit the end of the sentence.

I'll be back with more tidbits of CreepyDude later.

:):):)

2011-09-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

Either I'm having a run...

...on hoarders or the problem is all over and exploding. If you try to clean anything in a hoarder's home, there WILL be a negative altercation. That is because, as everyone knows, the first thing to go is the trash. Herein lies the problem. People have differing ideas on what is considered trash. At a friend's house, I tried to throw away party favors, like those stupid hats with rubber bands, the blow thingies and napkins. You'd have thought that I had kidnapped one of her kids. Her youngest is 10 and wouldn't be caught dead wearing a rubber band hat and the entire household had their birthdays in the previous 6 months and no one asked, "Don't I get those blow thingies? I want to toot."

That was a while back. But hoarding has reared it's ugly head again. This is a conversation that I just had:

Me: "Wait a minute, I'll give you the bucket to throw away after I fill it with trash."

Hoarder: "I'm not throwing away that bucket."

Me: "Why not?"

Hoarder: "It's a good bucket."

Me: "We can go out and drink 6 more beers and get another one if we need it."

Hoarder: "But it's a perfectly good bucket."

Me: "A lot of stuff is perfectly good AND garbage. We can't keep everything we think we may use in the after-life."

I THINK I won that one, the bucket seems to be gone. But, you never know, I could find it under a sink. Anyway, hoarders are annoying.

Wisdom of the guilty

2011-09-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

1. After years of people treating you as though they don't care what happens to you, you get out of the habit of acting like a person who is cared about.

2. Vow to stop apologizing for things you did in the 80's.

3. Over which of the following do you have control:

a. It was what it was.
b. It is what it is.
c. What will be, will be.

4. It is a social impossibility for any mutual negativity to result from the action of one person. Like a tango, it takes two.

5. At what age does a "child" receive the common courtesy one offers a stranger on the street?

6. The Golden Rule contains no exception for family.

7. Love through good times is a gift. Love through rough times is a responsibilty.

8. The true malcontent is the one who slings the most arrows.

9. Denying one's self of the opportunity for communication is more destructive than any wrongdoing. It is an absolutely essential ingedient in the recipe for a happy life.

10. You can apologize for something, but you can never heal the injury. That's not easy for ANYONE to live with. It's called being human.

2011-09-12T08:39:00.000-07:00

In case you were unaware...

...flashing your lights to warn other drivers of a speed trap is considered freedom of speech and, in Florida anyway, will no longer get you a ticket. That's not to say that the idiotic state legislature won't change the law if they get a chance, but for now, flash away.

It seems as though Republican office holders think that they have to out-nasty each other to win votes from "conservatives". They are missing the entire point of being a conservative. True conservatives want the government out of our lives, not controlling them.

2011-09-12T05:32:00.000-07:00

Well...

...I no longer have a boyfriend that I don't like. I had to get rid of him because he annoyed my father.

My father didn't like the nature of the phone calls, one of which Dad overheard. We both answered the phone at the same time and only I spoke, not aware that Dear Old Dad was on the other line. Then Hoveround Dude started asking me for sex and offering me one tantalizing tidbit after another. I kept trying to hang up the phone and then leave it off the hook but I couldn't hang up on him because there was another phone in the house that was off the hook. So, Dad got to hear Hoveround Dude making more offers than usual, because I couldn't hang up the stupid phone.

The next day, when the phone rang, my father told HD not to call here anymore. That freaked out HD and he decided to get back at ME...so he called the cops and said that...now read this clearly so you fully understand the ramifications of what he did...he reported me for "stealing his pot". Of course, I didn't do that. He had given me a roach which I had emptied into a bowl. My father asked me if I had anything that he had given me and I, being an honest person, had to tell my father the truth.

"Yes, dad, I have some weed."

He told me to flush it down the toilet and I said that I could, but I didn't know the Florida laws regarding paraphernalia. So, my father said that he would get rid of the bowl. But, he wasn't going to leave for a little bit so I asked him if I could just smoke the rest of the shit instead of flushing it. He didn't mind.

So, now Dad has to take the bowl and dump it in the drink. I recognized the situation as a caper and told my father what a cool caper it was. Although the humor wasn't as obvious to my father as it was to me, he did handle it well.

Soon the cops came to the door and wanted back the cell phone HD gave me when Dad told him to stop calling the house phone. I gave it back and then went to my room and opened the window to hear what the cops were doing. There were two of them out there, one who had come to speak to me and one who stayed with HD. The one who stayed with HD told the other cop that HD couldn't believe that they wouldn't arrest me for stealing his pot. They both laughed and then drove away.

Then, I went to bed, woke up and watched the Bears win. It was a swell weekend.

Bloomberg is an idiot

2011-09-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

Mayor Bloomberg is refusing to allow clergy people and cops at the memorial service Sunday. He is calling on the "constitutional right of separation and church and state". That is nowhere in the constitution, maybe Bloomberg should be sent a copy of it. What the Constitution actually says, pretty much sounds like the Founding Fathers actually would have wanted those people there:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

My First Political Cartoon

2011-09-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

This took me hours, I made it a la South Park. Finally, here it is. Whew!

2011-09-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

Stalin had his 5 Year Plans.
Mao had his Great Leap Forward.
Obama has his Stimulus Plans.

What did they all have in common?

A. They had NO business experience.
B. They all failed.
C. The first to return to capitalism is the most successful (China).

Affirmative Action for Ugly People

2011-08-31T13:02:00.000-07:00

Image removed for those who may be eating.

Yes, it's true, some kind soul at the University of Texas is pushing hard to "offer legal protections to the ugly, as we do with racial, ethnic and religious minorities, women and handicapped individuals".

Economics professor Daniel S. Hamermesh actually did a study of ugly people (did Uncle Sam pay for that?) and he has come to the conclusion that pretty people earn more money and attract better spouses. Duh. I could have told him that.

But now what do we do? The military dispenses disability in percentages, if you're 50% disabled, you get half the monthly income of a person who is considered 100% disabled. Will we be paying ug-o's the same way? Would my ex husband be considered 100% ugly or just 90% ugly? Who will make that decision and how will we measure how unpleasant one person is to look at? If you're black, you're black. If you're a woman, you're a woman. But ugly will be a tough one.

My ex will probably be eligible for a few monthly checks. He's not only ugly, he's rather slow witted, bald and morally bankrupt. Maybe I should have stayed married to him so that I could get rich on his pathetic "challenges".

Joan Rivers-The Mother Of Hollywood

2011-08-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

She's a scary looking woman, to be sure. But, she seems to be rocking that frightening look and far too many Hollywoodians are after that very same look. I don't understand why they would want a face that would scare a juvenile deliquent into behaving like a nice kid, but it does seem to be all the rave. Whatever!

Melissa Gilbert, Mary Tyler Moore, Steven Tyler and Taylor Armstrong, related or retarded?

2011-08-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

‎5000 years ago, Moses said, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

When Welfare was introduced , Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land to China.

I'm not sure who the idiots are here, the doctors that were quoted or the reporters who quoted them...you be the judge

2011-08-22T06:45:00.001-07:00

By Curtis Krueger and Letitia Stein, Times Staff Writers with comments from ME!
In Print: Monday, August 22, 2011

A new report released last week found Pinellas and Pasco counties leading the state in an alarming count — the number of people fatally overdosing on the most lethal prescription drugs.

That leads to two possible conclusions, both dismaying. Either the Pinellas and Pasco communities are at the epicenter of Florida's prescription drug epidemic, or drug abuse deaths only seem highest in these counties because other regions are not reporting theirs so completely. (I see one more possible conclusion that actually IS supported later on in this article, Pinellas and Pasco are OVERREPORTING the deaths.)

And if the second is true, the statewide problem is even worse than experts think. (And if these yahoos get tax dollars to "solve" their "problem", our economic situation is worse than we think.)

"Either it's real, we really are higher, or they're under-reporting elsewhere," said Dr. Jon Thogmartin, the Pinellas-Pasco medical examiner. (LMAO! Thank God this guy only works with people who are already dead.)

The report from the Florida Medical Examiners Commission found that 2,710 deaths in Florida last year were caused by prescription drug overdoses, up 8.9 percent from 2009. That's almost eight people a day.

But if other regions of the state are under-reporting, that number could be much higher. (Lower if P&P are overreporting.)

"I've always felt that the numbers that are reported in the annual report actually underestimate the problem because some cases simply don't get reported for one reason or another," said Bruce Goldberger, professor and director of toxicology at the University of Florida College of Medicine.

The calculus of drug deaths in Florida reveals a lot about the science, the detective work and the human tragedy of trying to quantify an epidemic in which legal drugs are killing far more Floridians than illegal ones such as heroin and cocaine. (Where are the heroin and cocaine numbers and are they as arbitrary as these? Irresponsibility abounds.)

In the latest report, the Pinellas-Pasco district led the state in 2010 in deaths from all six of the most lethal prescription drugs — oxycodone, alprazolam (Xanax), methadone, hydrocodone (Vicodin), morphine and diazepam (Valium). (Not one of which are used in the most lethal act we perform...capital punishment.)

The Hillsborough Medical Examiner's Office also reports some of the highest number of deaths in the state, but not as many as Pinellas-Pasco, which has a slightly higher population.

This isn't the first year Pinellas and Pasco have reported some of the highest death tolls.

As supervisor of the Pinellas Strategic Diversion Task Force, sheriff's Sgt. Dan Zsido finds it "alarming" that Pinellas is a leader. But he's not necessarily disagreeing. (Sounds like this guy sees the falacy in this article.)

"I believe that we possibly have more people that are addicted right now in this area," he said after reviewing the report. "Now, for whatever reason, we're first and we're really going to have to look at why." (Before you waste your time doing that, please check to see if this is actually a problem.)

Pinellas and Pasco have larger populations than many rural counties, which could help explain their numbers. After adjusting for population, both counties remain high — though not the highest — in per capita deaths from alprazolam, diazepam, hydrocodone and methadone. Pasco County had one of the highest rates of oxycodone deaths. (So, is this a problem or isn't it?)

Yet overall, prescription drugs still are killing more people locally than in far larger counties such as Miami-Dade and Broward. (Perhaps Miami-Dade and Broward have some sort of handle on this situation.)

Even after working to standardize procedures, Florida's medical examiners are quick to admit some things differ from district to district. And that could have an effect on which deaths get evaluated and which don't.

For starters, not everyone goes to a medical examiner's office. The doctors at these offices perform autopsies on people who die violently or from suspected drug overdoses but generally not in cases where the deaths appear to be from natural causes.

Thogmartin said Pinellas and Pasco law enforcement officers are well-trained to look for evidence of drug abuse that might not be obvious — for example, a man with heart problems who dies, but who also had a knee problem and a hydrocodone prescription. Deputies will check the number of pills in the bottle to see if the man was using them faster than prescribed, which could have led to an overdose. (How about a man with a sore knee and a prescription for hydrocodone who happens to have a heart problem? Deputies are counting the pills he DIDN'T take? How does one know he actually TOOK the rest of them? Perhaps his wife took them.)

If more cases like that get referred to the medical examiner's office, then more drug deaths are likely to be counted. (Ah...so that's it...the medical examiner needs more business.)

Thogmartin said the Pinellas-Pasco office also uses its own toxicology lab that tests extensively for drugs. That could turn up more drug deaths. It's also true that the state lacks a uniform approach to toxicology testing. (So they need MORE money to test uniformly. I'm beginning to get this.)

Even basic reporting has sometimes been spotty, medical examiners admit. Prior to this year, for example, some doctors in the Miami office were simply failing to fill out a form to indicate a prescription drug death, said Dr. Lee Hearn, director of the toxicology lab at the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner's Office.

Experts say a new statewide electronic system should correct many problems. (More money. Any doctor who forgets to fill out a form should remember to do it once they make it electronic...right?)

There is also a human factor. More than most people realize, establishing a cause of death due to drug abuse is a judgment call, medical examiners say.

"If you have five different medical examiners looking at the same case you may get two or three different opinions," Hearn said. (So what's the real problem? Prescription drugs or inept ME's?)

For any given drug, there is no precise lethal level. Some people die if their blood alcohol content reaches 0.25, but some people actually survive and even function with higher levels, said Miami-Dade Medical Examiner Bruce A. Hyma.

And different drugs are often mixed together, creating more variables to evaluate. Some autopsies are not performed until several days after death, which can make the evaluation even more difficult.

"As doctors say, there's a lot of art involved and a lot of personal preference involved," said Goldberger, a Ph.D. who runs the UF toxicology lab. "And all of this can lead to some subjective differences between districts."

Whether such differences explain why Pinellas and Pasco sit at the top of the list, Goldberger noted the evidence is clear on the most alarming finding: The trendline is up.

"Clearly too many people die every day in the state of Florida as a consequence of the use, misuse and abuse of prescription drugs," he said. (Certainly ONE death is too many, but there was nothing in this article that was written or stated "Clearly".)

How offensive is this article? These people obviously want money from our tax dollars in a time when we can least afford it. They have no real reason to get it so they are misleading us with tripe like this. You and I are being taken for morons who are dumb enough to believe what these nimrods say without any evidence. And the reporters were paid to insult our intelligence before we paid for the newspaper. No wonder the St. Pete Times is considered "the most irresponsible newspaper in the country".

2011-08-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

I found a snippet of an article that describes exactly how you can tell if your man is cheating:

If you ask him and he is extremely defensive and tries to make you feel like you're crazy for suspecting anything, then that's a key indicator. The cheating man does more than lie, he will then try to turn it around and make the woman feel like she's out of line.

Perfect...if your man fits this, he IS cheating. I wish I'd known that.

It's amazing how the stars align themselves

2011-08-16T20:12:00.000-07:00

I just wish they'd get it together for the lottery but seriously, it's all good. I promised this picture to someone and I had so much to tell her that I just figured it'd be easier to do it here than within the friendly confines of Facebook.

So yeah, I got the picture for you. Here it is. I have to tell you that as I took this, he was saying, "You aren't going to put this on Facebook, are you?" I was non-committal about that one at the time but it occurred to me that I post it here, I can always say that I would NEVER post his picture on Facebook. Sucks to be him...too bad they don't have Hoverounds for the brain...something that'll catch you up mentally. He's computer illiterate in a way that almost deserves a handicap sticker...or he's just playing stupid. Either he is too stupid to find that picture or he is devious enough to find it without my knowledge...in which case he deserves to find it. How's that for feminine logic? Anyway, in this picture his mouth is open as he asks me about Facebook:

Anyway, as I mentioned, the fates are conspiring on my behalf. Any guilt I MIGHT have felt was assuaged when this nit wit acted like a dick...again...earlier today. On any given day I am given at least one very huge red flag that would ordinarily scare me off. But most people I know don't live a half a block away. So, I get the shot, he's Facebook distracted and he's a dick...it's all good.

I'm pretty sure I forgot something. It's OK...I know my way back.

Oh, I remembered! The stupid pony tail holder...I don't know why that's there. The glasses aren't broken...and if they were, the pony tail thing wouldn't help. I think it's there to make me jealous but I didn't think about that until I uploaded the picture. Sniff.

2011-07-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

I finally got the age thing...

...all in hand.

I was over at Hoveround Dude's house and in a moment of acerbic frivolity, I asked him if he ever had hair. We both got quite a laugh out of that one (each for our own reasons) and afterwards, the age thing just popped out of my mouth, "So, how old are you anyway?" He laughed that little, "I just got caught in a lie." laugh that men do so well. I've seen it far too often to let it slip past me unnoticed.

Then he said, "How old do you think I am?" Of course, I'm too smart for that so I told him not to even try to suck me into that conversation. I made some comment that ended with, "...or you could be 69, I don't know." He responded by saying that he "would be happy with a 6." At that moment, I had no problem believing that he was in his 70's. Before I had a chance to absorb that, he said, "OK, I'm 62, I'll be 63 next month." I responded thusly, "I want to see your driver's license."

He showed it to me and it verified his most recent story. Now, I know what he told me when we met and that wasn't it. He told me he was 57. I was dumb enough to believe that because I added this thought, "Maybe he just looks old."

I mentioned that he had told me 57 and he denied it. He even said that I was mistaken or suffering from faulty memory. I said, "I'm not an idiot, you know."

"I'm not calling you an idiot." he said.

"Well, I'd pretty much have to be an idiot to believe you now." was my response at which time he would have done well to let the entire discussion fade away. He should have discussed the music we were listening to but he didn't perform that one act that would have naturally followed innocence in any form. But he didn't. He just couldn't shut up. He made things worse by saying the following things:

1. "I'm in good shape for my age." (I looked at his fat belly and knew that it was taut enough to bounce on.)

2. "You have a good looking guy here." (That was like FoxNews calling itself "Fair and Balanced".)

3. "I know I can act like a jerk but it's just because I'm horny and frustrated." (That was a prize, wasn't it?)

After the last comment, I said, "Is that actually a part of your line?"

He then began to tell me all the things I'm missing out on by not having sex with him. I told him that we could have that conversation when I started asking him for shit. He went on for a bit more and I finally said that I didn't like the quid pro quo nature of the discussion and he denied that was what he meant. Like 57...I knew what I had heard.

I thought to myself, maybe he IS almost 63...AND he looks old. Now I don't know what to believe and I don't particularly care. I could easily believe he had a fake ID. I'm still stunned to think that he actually believes that he is what HE sees, and that I should see the same thing. I'm a woman but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a moron. Anyway, after a few more stupid comments, I decided to skip town. So I did.

Well, at least he made me laugh...all the way home.

2011-07-26T14:49:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that...

...all men are liars. Some just lie more than others and some lie better than others. My idiot ex is Casey Anthony good at lying. I'm sure there are men who don't lie, but if I can't find a religion that I can believe in, I doubt that any man is going to convince me that he's an honest dude.

The guy I've been seeing for comedy's sake has offered up quite a few reasons for me to doubt his veracity but usually I just think, "How stupid does he think I am?" Today I figured out that even I didn't know how stupid I was which is sad considering my experience at being lied to. One would think that I would be ready for a lie and usually I'm there with my red flags that are hard to miss. But today I realized that I fell for a stupid lie because the other lies were all so obvious. I've been batting down most lies that have come my way but I allowed an ace to run right by me.

My father referred to the guy as an "old man" and for a second I felt badly because the guy isn't much older than I. Then I thought about it for a minute and I realized that the guy was older than he said he was. I haven't proven it to myself, but I don't really need proof, I just need to slap myself up-side my head.

Stupid lies slip right by me because I wouldn't expect anyone to lie about something so stupid as his age. If I, being a woman, can find it in myself to be honest about my age, why would a man lie about his? I never saw that one coming. But, I did finally hone in on the beacon of that big, fat, stupid lie. Now I have to look for more. Actually, I've found quite a few, I just don't usually have a pen and paper to take notes with.

Ah, it does make me feel better, that guy LOOKED old. I just thought that I was as old as he looked. I should have known that I wasn't, but it's hard to judge yourself when it come to things like weight and age. I knew that I needed to lose 10 pounds, and I really thought I must look close to 60. The 10 pounds was the only honest thing I found in that thinking. It's hard to lie to yourself too much when your clothes don't fit. But age is another thing. I'm please to find out that I don't look as old as this guy does, he's just another liar that lied about something stupid...and he actually IS old. Cool.

That explains the hoveround...duh.

2011-07-23T10:09:00.000-07:00

You guys are so smart...

...I posted a poll question (to the left and down a bit on the side bar) asking which drug addicted celebrity would be the next to die. Almost half of you answered Amy Winehouse, a much larger percentage of votes than anyone else received. Well, Ms. Winehouse is now dead. The police have not yet released a cause of death but in the recent weeks she has been cancelling shows and appearing in public quite messed up. Add that to her well known behavior and chances are pretty darned good that her death was drug/alcohol related.

Like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Jolin and Jim Morrison, Winehouse was 27 years old when she died.

2011-07-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

First, let me say that I've just noticed that I AM IN THE FUTURE! There's a billboard down the street that changes pictures all by itself. The pictures are so realistic looking and they change so quietly that this has to be the future.

The only other really silly thing I've heard today is that my idiot ex has a motorcycle. I don't really care for myself, I'm too far away for him to hurt me with the stupid thing. But innocent Montanans should be on the lookout for a bald freak with bad teeth and hideous body odor riding a motorcycle.

Rick didn't really have too much luck with cars, the thought of him driving a motorcycle is insane. Here are a few of his bonehead moves that he committed in the relative safety of a car:

1. Immediately after my mothers funeral, we were traveling onto a highway. Rick stopped on the acceleration lane and looked over his left shoulder to see if anyone was coming. I guess he saw no one because he took off, only to hit the guy who was stopped in front of us.

2. He hit another car doing the same thing only this time it wasn't on a highway, it was just on a small road with a smaller entrance lane. Looking over his left shoulder, he must have felt safe because he proceeded again and, again, hit the car stopped in front of him.

3. Rick was working on our car in the driveway one weekend. He was doing something to the brakes and apparently, after you do whatever he did, you're supposed to pump the brakes. He didn't. So, later when he went to start the car, he had no brakes so he rolled backwards out of the driveway, across the street and through 2 fences into the neighbor's yard. He caused 600 bucks worth of damage but preferred to let the insurance pay for the damage, after he paid the 500 dollar deductible.

4. He was leaving work one day and as he left the parking lot and turned left, his axle cracked in half. The car went forward enough to scrape a permanent scratch into the road so that, to this day, everyone can see the huge divot he left on the street.

5. Even getting gas is a problem for Rick. He was walking into the station to pay for his gas when he walked smack into the glass wall that fronted the gas station. I guess he didn't see it.

6. Rick also had a problem of leaving his girlfriend's make-up and CD's in his car. Maybe he's driving a motorcycle so that his tramps can't leave their stuff all over his ride.

So, somewhere in this country there is at least one nit wit on a motorcycle who has no business on one at all. I don't know about all of them or I would warn you...this is the only freak I can honestly warn you about. Be careful Montana!

PS I didn't ask if he was wearing a helmet because it doesn't matter. Why protect the one place on his body that we already know is totally screwed up?

Answer to "puzzle" in post below this one

2011-07-17T05:17:00.000-07:00

Kalei thought that the problem with the paper towel thingie was that it was put in backwards. She's close! As you can see from this picture, I didn't put the roll in backwards, I put it in upside-down. As odd as it may seem to complain about an upside down roll of paper towels, imagine my surprise when my father scolded me for committing such a hideous misdeed. I am a grandmother...when will I be old enough to avoid being a bad girl? Remember, I didn't HAVE to put the damn paper towels in the stupid roll holder!

What's wrong with this picture?

2011-07-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was cleaning the kitchen when my father walked in and pointed out a blunder that I committed as I was attending to things on the kitchen counter. Obviously I didn't know I had muffed the task at hand. If I HAD known, I would have corrected my gaffe.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to see if YOU can tell what I did wrong! You will find all of the information you need to complete your mission in this picture:

I have since corrected the hideous solecism. I began to take a proper picture but just then the battery died. I am recharging that sucker as I type this. Soon we shall ALL know what I did wrong and how to correct the offending boner.

I'm not sure where I am but I'm sure this is a scary place!

2011-07-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

These suckers are EVERYWHERE! If you see one, run like Forrest Gump!

When approaching jaguars, be sure to do so from the other side of fence the cat is resting behind...unless you want to be on the evening news.

When it comes to bears, it's best just to stay away.

With a curled up copperhead at your feet, religion plays a huge part in your survival.

Although not usually thought of as a dangerous animal, standing in the "splatter zone" of a hippopotamus can be most unpleasant for all concerned. Not to mention the fact you'll probably have to find another ride home.

Of course, not all of Florida's animals are dangerous. And even if they were, most of us can easily outrun the little creatures. Although this is a VERY large animal, you could probably just out SWIM the little bugger: hen escaping from this guy, you could probably get away walking that straight line like a cop would ask you to walk if you may have had a few too many:

A few Do's and Don't's when courting a lady

2011-07-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

As I write this, it is ten minutes to noon. As recently as 9 AM, I wouldn't have thought these hints needed to be on a Do and Don't list...but the past two hours have proven otherwise.

1. Do NOT use the word "poop" in front of a lady unless she uses the word first...in which case you deserve each other.

2. Do retire to the restroom when shaving. Nothing says, "I'm covered with whiskers." better than shaving, sans shirt, in front of ANYONE...much less a lady.

3. Do NOT keep your electric razor plugged in to the socket next to your living room recliner. Nothing says, "I'm a lazy bastard." better than performing personal hygiene in an easy chair 6 feet from your television.

4. Do run your fingers through your hair before you answer the door. Maybe a comb wasn't handy but even a 4 month old can find his hands.

5. Do NOT let a lady hear you tell what she already knows is a lie when you are talking on phone. It succinctly and accurately sends the message, "I am a big fat liar."

6. If you have a bite wound properly described using the word "pus" and you simply CANNOT refrain from describing the hella-disgusting wound...don't make matters worse by asking a lady-friend to examine the offending sore and offer an opinion as to what it might be. I don't care if she is a nurse.

7. Never discuss former girlfriends in a negative light. I don't care if she was so nasty that she gave you the clap. And I also don't care if it was in the 80's.

8. However innocent it may be (LMAO!), DO NOT speak the following sentence when referring to your dog:

"Once I started using peanut butter, I could get her to do anything...she really likes crunchy!!!"

9. Do NOT sit there with a huge belly and think it's funny to make jokes about how long it's been since you've seen your penis.

10. If you think that any of the above it acceptable behavior, DO join the nearest cloistered male fraternity.

How not to woo a potential girlfriend

2011-07-10T15:38:00.000-07:00

This birthday card my be appropriate in some situations, but no woman wants to receive it after 4 dates and before sex:

When the subject of porn comes up and the lady says she has never seen a porno flick, never push a button on your remote that immediately brings up a porno flick...no matter how funny you may think it is.

As tough as it may be, walk into a grocery store and then walk down the one aisle containing the one item you came for...motorized grocery carts do nothing to impress a woman. If you can't walk for 4 minutes, there's little chance of you being able to go to the beach, go out dancing, go bowling or do anything else fun.

When you take a woman out for her birthday, do NOT buy a bucket of beer and the tell your date, "We can stay until the beer is gone." Besides appearing cheap, the lady may prefer a glass of wine. She may even want to stay longer than it takes her to drink 2 beers and for you to drink 3.

When in public with a new woman, do not continuously hug, kiss or ass slap her. Allow the lady to approach you with PDA's.

When your date is eating at your place, do not tell her to share her dinner with your dog. Oh, and don't tell the chick to kiss your dog either...especially when the dog's water bowl is your toilet.

Do not invite a lady over to watch TV and then insist on watching Swamp People.

Oh yeah...never invite a lady to your place wearing baggy shorts and suspenders. Suspenders may be cute with a shirt on, but wearing them alone with shorts makes one look like a redneck.

Never ask a new lady friend to apply triple anti-biotic ointment to an oozing sore on your lower abdomen. (Actually, you'd be better off not mentioning it at all.

There are more, but these are all that I can remember from the dude I hung out with in June.

I remembered a few more:

Do NOT leave an angry message on woman's phone, especially when the phone belongs to her father. "You're full of shit." is no way to win friends and influence people.

When picking up a lady at her father's house, do not sit in your car and honk the horn. That wouldn't work if I were alone, but it's a HUGE mistake when my father is inside with me.

Never, ever lie to a woman about your health problems...especially if that woman is a nurse.

Do NOT your date to "dig" splinters out of your feet.

Don't invite a chick to your house after you've dumped a weeks worth of coffee ground and filters in your kitchen sink.

OH! And most important...do not ask a lady to sit on a couch that has a 9 MM gun under the cushion. I may not have a bubble butt, but my skinny ass is no match for a bullet. Besides, it makes me wonder what's under YOUR chair cushion...an uzi?

I just woke up so give me a while to remember some more lame attempt at courting in the condo I shall never return to.

2011-07-07T05:59:00.000-07:00

Let's see...

...the Casey Anthony juror du jour has spoken and parroted the words of others. There just wasn't enough evidence to convict the...ugh...woman of murder. If I hear that one more time I'll puke. Apparently, a good disposal plan is all that's required of any murderer, homicidal maniac or chloroform wielding mother with ants in her pants, is a novel approach to body ditching. Running high on the method list today is your local swamp. Many more points are due you if you life in a hot and humid climate (although swamps will be moist just by their very nature.)

My aunt was killed by a family member as well and those are just the dicks that have the time to do crazy stuff to us...like drive our dead bodies around in Florida, in the summer, in a trunk of a car, allowing rapid decomposition to occur, almost a "baking" of the poor kid. Within 31 days she had time to do something with the body but didn't. I'm not sure what that means, but I know what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean it was an accident. It reeks of something more sinister.

Now, when mixed together, a skeleton and a lazy sheriff can get a case thrown out. But by the time the body was found, the prosecutor in the Anthony case could only prove what DIDN'T happen. No signs of disease or trauma to the remaining bones means that she wasn't sick and she wasn't shot. She didn't appear to have been beaten or stabbed. But that makes sense because they didn't find a gun, bat or knife in the smelly trunk...they found stink and chloroform in the trunk instead. Two things that WOULD be there if the trunk contained a dead body for any length of time.

Someone drove around with a dead body in their trunk. At some point duct tape was most likley placed over her mouth and nose to keep so much smelly stuff from coming out. That means that the killer actually had contact with the body after death. You would wonder how much contact she had, wouldn't you?

What better way to commit a passive murder than to sedate the child to death, Casey had her standards after all. She would never be so cruel as to manually strangle the kid, but she found an out that she could live with...it just took the added assurance that Caylee wouldn't suffer. That made it palatable. The only other option is that she was tossed into the drink alive and was left to drown. Perhaps if the prosecution used that, they wouldn't be where they are now.

So...Caylee wasn't shot, stabbed or strangled. She wasn't drowned, poisoned or injured...she was just plain dead. And, the ONLY person who could have control over Caylee long enough to do all of this stuff is the one person who cares for the child. I would think that only a parent would expect to have the time to wrap up a body.

It couldn't have been the parents...Cindy's original call to 911 is all it took to clear them. Besides, who ever heard of a crazy, homicidal grandmother? I can't think of one grandparent that has ever been accused of killing a kid. They simply don't murder people. IF they were going to kill people, they would probably already be in jail. Also, neither George nor Cindy ever could have assumed that they would have the time to cover up the death of a child. And whoever was responsible for this atrocity certainly spent a lot of time confronted with the reality of death. He or she was just too much of a twit to actually DO anything about it. Oh, you know what? Casey is a twit!

I guess you could take a few things away from this case. The negation of the phrase, "The truth will set you free." is the first one to cross mind. Then I think of pizza ovens. That's because with pizza ovens, you can Caylee Anthony your victim...leave him or her devoid of all identifying markers or potential evidence. It doesn't matter THAT she's dead, the WAY she died is what matters. The really nice thing about pizza ovens is that they replace the need for juries at all. Everyone will know that you can't convict on a Caylee'd victim so they wouldn't even bother.

If I go into the bathroom with a kid and come out alone, wouldn't you want to know where kid went? If you never saw the kid again, it'd be pretty obvious that I did something to the kid. But if the kid and I drive to McDonald's a couple of times, there's reasonable doubt. How silly is that? Jurors are allowed to take that leap to finish the story themselves. Whatever.

You know what? Casey has already made comments about having another baby. I think we should all get together and warn our sons about her. We need to put a clamp down on our genetic legacy and not mingle it with the likes of her. That's a really, really good idea, especially if your sons are within 200 miles of a potential Casey camp.

2011-07-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, I see...

...men really think crazy stuff turns us on. I've been shaking my head after a guy I went out with last week jumped in a motorized cart when we stopped by the store to pick up citric acid to clean a dishwasher. My "date" drove that sucker around the grocery store like a pro. That's because he is, he does it all the time. As a nurse, I don't get romantic when someone is in a wheelchair, motorized or not. I get that nurse feeling of having a sick person in need of medical care.

I walked into the grocery store and headed straight for the dish soap aisle without being sure that my escort could keep up with me. Of course he could...I wasn't sprinting. Within a minute I turned to check and saw the man straddle a hover-round and then steer right toward me. That was when the potential for romance left, never to return. I knew it then but it was my birthday and we were going out that night. What to do?

I could have read that entire episode wrong. Perhaps the guy was simply trying to "woo" me. I just read about "A Chicago man who was arrested for keeping a four-foot alligator (who) denied Tuesday that he had the reptile as a pet in an attempt to woo women." Oh...OK. So they're just stupid. Maybe this will help:

1. If you fall in love with someone and then they go in a wheelchair, you take care of them. If someone in a wheelchair starts rolling after you, you run away.

2. Alligators do NOT help you get in our pants. They just give us something else to do to AVOID letting you near our pants.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/07/06/illinois-man-busted-with-alligator-denies-it-was-ploy-to-woo-women/#ixzz1RLwOgwDr

Why Casey got away with murder

2011-07-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

1. The prosecutor himself thought the trial was a joke.

2. The defense attorney threw so much crap at the jury that they got confused.

3. The prosecutor threw so many charges at the jury that they got confused.

4. Parents must kill their children in multiples to get convicted of murder.

5. Many jury members had a special relationship with the prosecutor. They've been prosecuted. (The government seems to want to arrest EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN at least once.)

6. We never had a father cry in front of a camera. Where IS Caylee's father?

7. It's been years since a jury has done something hella-stupid, it was just time.

8. The jury wanted to give Casey Anthony another reason to party.

9. The prosecutor acted too much like a prosecutor and the defense attorney acted too much like a defense attorney.

10. This IS Florida, if people can't use a voting machine, how can they figure out the important stuff?

This is Where They Tried the Murder That Casey has Only Been paid $200,000 Thus Far

2011-07-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

The main entrance on Orange Avenue.

A side street full of media trucks.

The bottom floor of the courthouse as seen from above.

Orange Avenue full of trucks.

Close up of major network tent across the street.

Could the media have something to do with the verdict? Ya think? They are mighty vicious.

2011-07-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

OMG.

It's bad enough that Casey is getting away with murder, her attorneys are gloating over it and taunting those who did NOT fall for their tripe. That's sad. There's still a little girl who was apparently murdered by no one. It was an immaculate homicide.

2011-07-05T05:23:00.000-07:00

I feel so badly for Joe Biden...

...because I know what he's going through right now. It seems as though after years of being told that he was doing a great job, his ouster is a viable option if not a fait accompli. And wasn't he told that he was doing a great job? The White House always told US that Biden was doing fine, didn't they? Yep, that's what my man told me before he started hittin' slum skanks.

If the job of a Vice President is to campaign and amuse, Biden has, simply put, been the best. I don't usually notice VP's unless they're spelling or using alliterative speech (ex. "nattering nabobs of negativism") in a particularly witty way. But Joe has been such a swell swain, a sweet Scaramouch and a staunch soubrette. He doesn't deserve this silliness.

I just hope this is another one of Obama's trial balloons and that he will soon see the error of his ways.

I just got back from Orlando and I stopped by the Orange County Courthouse. I literally ran into the Anthony's. I'll be back soon to discuss that...with the pictures that I took.

What do they call the metal part that holds eraser on the end of a pencil?

fer·rule

/ˈfɛrəl, -ul/ [fer-uhl, -ool]

noun, verb, -ruled, -rul·ing.

–noun
1. a ring or cap, usually of metal, put around the end of a post, cane, or the like, to prevent splitting.
2. a short metal sleeve for strengthening a tool handle at the end holding the tool.
3. a bushing or adapter holding the end of a tube and inserted into a hole in a plate in order to make a tight fit, used in boilers, condensers, etc.
4. a short ring for reinforcing or decreasing the interior diameter of the end of a tube.
5. a short plumbing fitting, covered at its outer end and caulked or otherwise fixed to a branch from a pipe so that it can be removed to give access to the interior of the pipe.
6. Angling .
a. either of two fittings on the end of a section of a sectional fishing rod, one fitting serving as a plug and the other as a socket for fastening the sections together.
b. one of two or more small rings spaced along the top of a casting rod to hold and guide the line.
verb
7. to furnish with a ferrule.

Rick Kelso Kalispell Montana

2011-06-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

My crazy ex...

...won't take "Here's a divorce and within it you'll find a permanent restraining order." for a goodbye. He is STILL trying to keep in touch with me and mine...and this time I even warned his stupid ass...again. I actually took time out of my busy Florida day and told him that all I wanted was for him to stay away from me and anyone whom I met in a delivery room.

This is the first post since my warning has been ignored. I'll try to be decent.

I really don't think I'm asking that much. I'm simply asking to be left alone and like a jack-ass, I thought a divorce would do that. My lawyer was smart enough to make permanent the restraining order which was in place when depositions were taken in the divorce. I wouldn't have thought about that myself. It's just that sort of thing that made me an easy woman to be abused in the first place. But, the control that the fool lost when we were finally divorced is too much for him to let go. Rick Kelso simply cannot do it. He simply refuses to leave me alone.

How hard can that be? As Nancy Reagan said, "Just say no!" Ignore the urge to penetrate into my life because it HURTS me. I know that wasn't a good enough reason for you to treat me with the respect that a human being deserves when I was your punching bag, but at your age, I still have hope that you'll develop a conscience and just avoid behavior that HURTS another human being.

I know, I'm an idiot. You're just so damned easy to believe. You don't even seem bright enough to be such a great liar. But Casey Anthony has nothing on you, dude.

I wasn't kidding, I will follow through with MY promises so do yourself a favor and act as if you know where in the hell a high road might be.

BTW...I prefer this..."8 Days A Week!":

PS I don't care how many pills she takes in a day...leave me the fuck alone.

2011-06-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

Hi...

...it's me. I'm here to report some recent goings on.

I've been lucky enough to have had a few dates with a pretty nice man. There's only one minor problem. His jewelry reminds me of my grandfather's jewelry. You know, those diamond encrusted pinkie rings that stand for something but you never know what. And then, when I look at his hands I think of my grandfather's hands and things go a little goofy in my psyche. I don't care if he is relatively close to my age, he should still at least OWN a strand of pukka shells.

I received an interesting "compliment" from him today. At least I think so.

The guy I'm seeing said, in reference to an ex, "She looks like a grandma."

Well, I AM a grandma. And I said so.

"But, you don't LOOK like a grandma!" he said quickly in an effort to recover from his verbal faus pax. Yeah right.

Actually, whether or not I LOOK like a grandmother isn't the issue. The issue is that when this dude DOES eventually tell tales about me, they'll be about something, just something else.

:)

2011-06-02T18:33:00.000-07:00

Hola, 'tis me.

I've been rare lately after having one of those strokes that leaves a person less than 100 % but more than totally screwed. I've been working on retrieving some of my finer motor movements and, I must say, I’m pretty much at the point where I can do anything…anything I want to do, that is. I probably can’t thread a needle but I don’t particularly care for sewing so that works out well for me. I know where the Yellow Pages are and should I require a seamstress, I know how to find one.

I guess I can easily say that although my health has, at times, been a challenging foe with which to contend, I’ve actually come out ahead, considering the inability to sew…but my remaining ability to type, cook, have sex and swim. I’ve been doing a lot of swimming lately as well. I am in Florida after all and I even have a tan. It doesn’t take much to be able to tan so I’ve been doing a bit of that. It’s nice but I must say, I don’t like the idea of tanning one small piece at a time. I do that because I’m Irish and I freckle quite a bit. If my freckles ever meet to form one large freckle, I will have one helluva a tan, to be sure.

I have so many things to tell you that I don’t really know where to start. I have earphones on right now, not so much to hear the music as to keep my father from whining at me. I adore him and he makes me laugh when he bitches. I just need to spit this out so that I can fall asleep without worrying that I’ve left you all sitting there for another day without letting you know why I’m not there. I DO worry about that, but with any luck at all, I won’t be doing as much worrying in the next few days as I have in the past few months.

I wish I had thought to laugh at my dad’s rantings when I was a kid. Instead, I just sat there, shaking in my Keds, wondering when he would pull off his belt and smack the hell out of me with it. That, of course, was back in the day when parents could do that without getting arrested. I would have called the cops if I thought it would have helped, but they would have just smacked me too so I just sat there, frightened and wanting to go away. Now I see that when my father bitches, if I laugh, he too laughs as soon as he sees that there actually is humor in his gripe du jour.

Anyway, I’ve been doing far too much working out lately. I’m actually growing muscles that I never wanted. But, I must say, now that I have them, I kinda like them. My legs are finally getting large enough to allow me to have more than a skinny-Minnie torso. That’s significant should I ever need to go on Craigslist for a date again. Apparently, it’s pretty important to be HWP and my old skinny legs required me to be rather tiny upstairs so that I didn’t resemble a water tower when I wore a swim suit. Now that I actually have thighs and calves, I can let my waist grow to a comfortable 28 or 29 inches without worrying that I should have a ladder on my left leg.

So, I’m tanned and pumped. I’ve even been back at Tae Kwon Do for a while so I could probably take down a middle aged man with love handles…especially if he has arthritis and large skin tags on his neck, chest and upper arms. This really isn’t bad for a chick my age. I actually go for a two mile walk every morning and when I do, I pass a couple of really large ponds as well as a few ditches alongside the walkway I’m traipsing along. The ponds have alligators in them and the ditches are occupied by rather large turtles. I have picture but most of them are of animals under the water so you’d only know what the animals are if you were there when I took the pictures. One of these days I’ll get you a 6 foot alligator sitting on the side of the pond. I only see them when I don’t have my camera with me but sooner or later I’ve get it together, of that you can be sure.

The coolest thing about my daily walks is the fact that I walk with my father and he’s on his eighth decade. He’s actually rather close to his ninth and he’s usually the one who spots the alligators so he’s nice to have around. He does call the gators crocodiles but I know what he means so it all works out just fine.

Anyway, the only really bad part of being here and being post-stroke as I am is the fact that I have no medicinal marijuana. Florida is also without and I don’t know anyone who smokes, sells or stockpiles the stuff so here I am, able to pass any test they offer and I HATE THAT!!! If you happen to me close to Tampa and have a bit of greenery to spare, let me know, I’m here, weedless and very grateful to those who might have spare weed to offer.

OMG!!! My father is sitting close to me and my earphones have kept me from noticing that he’s watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I want to watch that silly move and even if my father is there watching it first it will still be fun. Since he’s been the one I’ve been staying with, I’ve gotten used to his presence. I like him and he’s fun to be around. Off course, I do want to watch that movie with him. Of course, I do have Black Water playing in my earphones and some nice Scotch sitting in my glass…both of those things make it tough to walk away right now!!!
Aw hell,. I have to do it now. See ya soon, tomorrow FO SHO!!!

2011-04-08T17:25:00.001-07:00

Note: The following story has been taken from the Pueblo Chieftain, a Southern Colorado newspaper. As the whole point of the piece is for medical marijuana users to tell their stories, I have copied the piece in full.

The patients interviewed for this story requested their real names not be used for reasons of privacy and because of what they perceive as a stigma regarding the use of marijuana as medicine.

In the aftermath of sudden lower-body paralysis that struck nearly four years ago, Puebloan Jeannie M. found herself in a wheelchair, and in a drug-induced fog.

After more than three months in the hospital, she was sent home with prescriptions for Dilaudid, Baclofen, antidepressants, anti-convulsants and other medications that require mathematical genius to track correctly, she said.

Because some of the narcotic painkillers made her too drowsy to read or even watch TV, and affected her coordination during physical therapy sessions, the 53-year-old decided to try marijuana as a substitute.

She admits having been a recreational pot user years ago, but had read about the potential benefits of marijuana for patients with multiple sclerosis and other spinal diseases or injuries. She has transverse myelitis, a severe inflammation of the spine that often is a precursor to MS.

Two of her many doctors agreed that she might benefit from marijuana, and one of them wrote her a prescription for Marinol, a pharmaceutical that contains a synthetic version of THC, one of the components believed to be responsible for marijuana’s medicinal benefits.

She took the drug off and on for a year, and experienced some relief from pain and insomnia, she said.

“I’m on Medicaid. Sometimes they’d pay for it, and sometimes they wouldn’t, so I wasn’t on it that whole time. Then they stopped paying for it completely,’ she said.

“At $1,500 a month, I couldn’t afford it, so I decided to try some real marijuana.”

She got the drug through friends and family members who are recreational marijuana users and found it helped more than Marinol, especially with nerve pain that is comparable to the phantom limb pain experienced by amputees.

She said it also controls “toning” in her leg muscles — involuntary contractions and extensions that are painful and often occur at night, contributing to insomnia that’s been her companion since she became ill.

“I told my doctors I was smoking marijuana and asked them to sign papers for me to get it legally and none of them wanted to do that,” she said.

But they were willing to write letters in support of her wishes, and one of them recommended she go to a Pueblo West medical marijuana dispensary where Dr. James Satt of Rocky Ford evaluates and certifies paperwork for medical marijuana registry applicants.

Satt went over her medical records and signed her evaluation form and in December, she joined nearly 300 Puebloans who are on the state’s registry.

Then came the shocker: The cost of an ounce of marijuana at the dispensary was $375, compared with an average of $175 to $200 for what she said is a comparable product bought illegally.

“They said it’s higher quality, and they had so many different kinds of marijuana I couldn’t believe it,” Jeannie said. “But I didn’t think it worked any better than what I was buying before.”

So, she’s considering growing her own plants from seed or “clones” available at some dispensaries, or continuing to buy from illegal sellers — with the knowledge that her possession of what she buys is illegal.

“The whole thing is confusing,” she said. “I feel better having my card to be legal. But I can’t afford those prices.”

Sheldon has his own business as a construction contractor. He said he has used marijuana recreationally since high school and learned as a young adult that it did a better job for his back pain than the narcotics doctors urged him to take.

“I don’t do anything else for my back pain, which is pretty excruciating. And ( marijuana ) helps me sleep at night,” said the 43-year-old.

He disagrees that the higher price he pays at dispensaries isn’t commensurate with higher quality.

“When you get into the higher grade medicinal stuff, it acts almost like a prescription drug but without all the adverse effects of regular narcotics,” he said.

With the sales and production of medicinal marijuana having been legal since 2000, Sheldon said. Growers have had ample time to experiment with quality and purity, as well as specializing various strains to target various symptoms.

“Some are good for relaxing, some for pain, and some for sleep. They have different medical effects, just like different pills. There are 25 or more marijuana strains, and they’re not all alike.”

Sheldon said he doesn’t mind the increased cost because what he buys at dispensaries, or sometimes from a certified grower at a discount, is more effective for his pain.

He smokes about an ounce a month, sometimes an ounce and a quarter, he said.

He became a certified registry patient in December, in part so he could grow his own marijuana without fear.

He was evaluated by a doctor in Colorado Springs who “was adamant that she wouldn’t give me anything without my medical records,” he said. “She had the foresight that she wanted to have the records to prove that she was doing things right.

“She wants to see me once a year. I think a lot of people might not be legal after the law changes, when it comes to passing the true test ( for medical need ). They should start making ( exams mandatory ) every single year and have the same doctor, or another legitimate doctor, issue new certifications,” he said.

Sheldon said he never had a legal problem with marijuana before he decided to get licensed in December.

“I wanted to start growing my own. That’s the biggest reason. I’ve been a recreational pot smoker most of my life. I don’t drink, I don’t do any other drugs. I don’t get high at work. Just a little after I get home, and sometimes before I go to bed,” he said.

Sheldon said he’s seen evidence of “the criminal element” at some dispensaries, and that isn’t likely to totally go away no matter how the law changes, but he said he believes regulation, and making marijuana legally available to those who need it, remove much of the crime related to pot on the streets, he said.

“This is one of those bells you can’t unring. Until they get some regulations in place to weed out the people who just want to be able to get marijuana, people will abuse the law,” he said.

“On the other hand, I have a son in college and I’d rather have my son smoking pot than drinking, or smoking ecstasy or doing other drugs.

“I’m self-employed in the construction industry, I have a family and a good life and marijuana has been a constant. I’ve never drank or done any other drugs. I have friends who say, ‘When I drink beer, I get in fights. When I smoke pot, I make friends.’ Most people who smoke marijuana are really good people.”

Copyright: 2010 The Pueblo Chieftain

Medical Marijuana Laws State-by-State

Medical Marijuana Colorado

2011-04-06T10:09:00.001-07:00

OK...

...I'm boring myself and that's never good. It seems as though I have more fun dreaming than I do when I'm awake. Last night I dreamt about a particular Chicago Bear and it was, I must say, magnificent.

There's only one NFL player that I can accurately picture naked from memory. I think I'll have to do think of him more often, 'twas a goodly thing. A while back, maybe 2 months, I stopped seeing a guy who I had been seeing since last summer. I can't conjure his nude self right now but I'm sure that I could manage it if I were so inclined. He started calling me again and you know men, they won't take "bugger off" for an answer once they get ready to do the horizontal bop. I think I can help him get ready with that if I am so inclined.

Sadly, I've been avoiding that particular dance lately, not that I'm doing so on purpose but an air of celibacy has dropped upon me like a baton drops on Nancy Kerrigan's knees. I can't seem to avoid it. Should I decide that I absolutely MUST have sex, I can either call this guy and ask him outright or I could lower my standards and find a suitable stranger. Either way, no man is getting 2 orgasms up on me anytime in the foreseeable future. It took more than one cheating husband to teach me that particular lesson but I've learned it well. Of course, my rerun dude is even with me for now, we're love-love and that's a good thing. The only problem I see is that this guy isn't a young quarterback but rather a middle aged Irish dude from a Latin country that I shan't be naming as yet. You can just call him rerun dude, I do.

I don't call him rerun dude to his face mind you, but after decades and decades, I can't keep a bunch of men straight in my brain without a bit of a social tag and this guy is, actually, a rerun. I can remember that well enough. Of course, that wouldn't work in practice so I just call them all dude when I'm out with them. It may be a bit lacking in sensitivity but I promise, I don't ever abuse men to whom I am not related by blood or marriage.

2011-04-02T04:47:00.000-07:00

Well... ...I got almost everyone in the family with the sink hose trick yesterday. It was so good that before the day was over, I got myself 3 times. You'd think I would remember setting up an April Fool's Day trick and avoid walking right into it but you'd be wrong. Immediately after I finished yesterday's post explaining what I had done, I walked right into the kitchen and doused myself. Later on in the day I did it again and then, just for good measure, I did it again last night. This morning the tape had been removed, most likely by my last victim. Had someone not done that, I would have been showered a 4th time, but as soon as I turned the water on, I remembered what I had done and turned it off so I could check the hose thingie. It was tape free so I did the dishes. Now I have to get ready to go to Tae Kwon Do so let's hope that my reflexes are a bit better today. With any luck at all, I'll find a 10 year old to spar with.

Happy April Fool's Day!

2011-04-01T06:34:00.001-07:00

This is the joke we're playing on the kid who keeps eating the cupcakes. It wouldn't be a bad thing if he admitted it, but he denies it, apparently wanting us to believe in the Cupcake Fairy.

We could sprinkle the white cupcakes with salt, but we had to put the salt under the frosting of the chocolate ones which just happen to be the Cupcake Thief's favorite flavor.

After I do the dishes, I'm going to tape the sink hose thingie together so that when the salt eater goes to get a drink of water, he'll get a shower instead. My only regret is that I can't be standing in the kitchen waiting for the sucker to some down and take a bite of the salt cakes. He's still in bed so I have time to set up some more of my adorable pranks.

I've already muted the TV, turned on FoxNews and hidden the remote...that'll annoy everybody and lord knows, I love to be annoying. I'll come up with more after a few cups of coffee.

Before I set up the TV for fun, I was watching the news and believe it or not, they had a segment on crying in the workplace. This wasn't an April Fool's joke, someone seriously did a study and, guess what? Women cry at work more than men. Duh. I'd bet money that stimulus money went to that totally useless study.

I suppose I should get some stimulus money to do a study on how many kids in this house actually eat the salted cupcakes. I really believe I could get a few hundred thousand for that.

2011-03-31T03:39:00.001-07:00

I'm not silly enough... ...to call myself young but I didn't think I was old enough for old lady problems. Yesterday I fell up a stair case that was covered with everything the kids didn't feel like carrying up stairs. I woke up wondering why my hip hurt so bad (and my knee but I think that was just a badly skinned boo boo.) I laid in bed trying to get comfortable for a while before nature called so I went to get up and fell back into the bed. (No injury's from that tumble.) In the past 15 years I've had gall bladder surgery, female surgery, an opne skull brain surgery, cancer (twice), 2 strokes, another brain surgery and 2 srokes. I'm sure I've left something out but it's too early to think that much. I was finally getting over the December brain surgery and now I have to get x-rays sometime today. But I'm yoo tired so I'm gonna hobble back to bed until the sun comes up! Ciao

/ is the symbol between paragraphs

2011-03-30T04:45:00.000-07:00

First of all... ...I don't know why this dumb blog is not indenting paragraphs, I don't know why the font is big and I give up trying to fix it. Secondly, at the risk of making Jeanna giggle again, I have to tell you about my nose and my right ear. /You know how when you have a cold and you blow your nose a lot...your nose gets all dry and scaly? Well, the tip of my nose has done that but I haven't had a cold nor has my nose been running. Travel around my head a bit to my right ear and you'll find something similar going on at the bottom of my ear canal. The ear isn't exactly the same, that sucker hurts. Also, I'm not in the habit of picking my nose and ear at the same time so I can't see myself spreading the hideous affliction from one place to the other. (But just in case, I am not scratching my ass anymore.) /I pointed my nose out to my friend who told me that, "It looks like the fungus on my daughter's finger." Her daughter's finger has been fungoid for 6 years as a fungus is difficult to get rid of. /Now, fungus of the nose is exactly the type of thing that I would get...my luck runs like that. I've been walking around for the last week with the tip of my nose all red and scaly. And no, I have not left the house like that. /If dating has been rare of late, can you imagine what a diseased nose would do to any prospects of making out? Isn't it odd how man will sleep with you without checking out south of the border, but let a little nose rash pop up and they treat you like a leper? I'll never figure out those testosterone induced humans. /Anyway, yesterday I decided to look for some Desitin to apply to my nose. I thought I'd sport a bit of a lifeguard look. But, before I found the Desitin, I found an algae cream that promised the world. So, I applied it to the tip of my nose. That seems reasonable until you remember that algae is green. That's what you want hanging off of your nose, green gook. /My green nose tip and I spent the day together and when I woke up this morning, most of my nose was healed so I guess I have to spend another green day. I'm trying to avoid shoving that crap in my ear but if my nose is cleared up tomorrow, I'll give in and walk around with green dripping out of my ear.

2011-03-29T07:40:00.001-07:00

Alrighty then...

...I'm not sure if it was a mistake of my own or if some humorous friend/relative played a joke on me but I just found out that I had myself listed as a lesbian on Facebook.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I have always been, still remain and most likely shall always be, strictly dickly. I admit that I recently lived with a woman who wore no make-up and with lesbian listed on my Facebook page...and I've been wondering why I've have a dating slump lately.

I can't imagine doing it myself but if I did, I did it when I first set up the page. That means it has been years since I've been "outed". If one of my smart ass friends is the guilty party, I have no idea when it was done.

Well, I'm back to being a heterosexual and I've changed my password. Unless you know the name of the DUDE I had a crush on in first grade, you'll never guess this one.

2011-03-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

Good morning! It seems as though children in this area are off of school for Spring Break and that just can't be good. I only have so much Xanax so I can't afford to have kids around too often. Yesterday I was making dinner for them while they were out with their father. When they walked in, the boy waved a pair of shoes all around me and the food I was cooking and said, "See my new shoes!!!" I freaked from the thought of feet germs and shoe slough and came close to tossing the dinner in the trash. Then, the girl came in and let the puppy out of her kennel and the the lil pooch jumped up on the counter and tried to lick the dinner that was sitting there. I had enough. I ran upstairs and said, "I'm getting my Xanax!" The mother said, "Already?" I told her how the short humans had tried to trash the nice Sunday dinner that I had spent most of the day making. It took the two of them all of 3 minutes to irritate the hell out of me. I wish that they had rest homes available for nervous ladies who can't handle wee munchkins. Now I know what my grandmother meant when she said, "You kids are making me nervous!" I'm truly and sincerely sorry Grandma!

2011-03-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

Good morning!

I have invented a new product. It's a serious of mirrors that allows you to see into the deepest recesses of your ears. No longer will your doctor pull out a huge junk-O-ear wax that you didn't even know was there. The humiliation of stealth ear wax balls will no longer be a problem. Even dirty ears are spotted in time to clean them before the doc's ear speculum invades your filthy ear canal.

People seem to forget that others around them CAN INDEED see into their funky ears. My ex's ears were so funkified that I had to change sides so I wouldn't look into a world of ear faeries, forestland and fungi. Unfortunately, both of his ears would often be equally frightening so I just stared straight ahead.

That worked until bedtime when I would lie in bed thinking about the heftiness of his ear gook. It could easily have a minor ear explosion that would shoot his ball of wax out of his big, bald, bootless head (If not feckless!). The thought of a top heavy ball-O-wax rolling around in my bed just plain old FREAKED ME OUT!

I do enjoy sleeping alone, of course I still worry about the national bed bug problem and the lack of a big warm blob to keep me warm. BUT, I don't have to worry about errant ear wax so I'm good.

Anyway, my product can be worn like backwards glasses and with a vanity mirror in front of you, you can see into your ears as well as a doctor can do with his ticklish little toys. I'd show it to you now but with the new patenting laws, I have to wait for now. :)

I need to get a hobby.

2011-03-24T13:04:00.000-07:00

2011-03-24T05:44:00.000-07:00

I really do heart bacon. But...I'm not a breakfast meat racist, I heart sausage too. Especially those sausage links. I really, really heart those suckers.

Donald Trump has proven himself to be a gadfly simply by asking Obama to show his birth certificate. After ll, if he has nothing to be ashamed of, what's the problem? But Trump is missing the entire point. By withholding his birth certificates to the birthers, if he has done that, he gives them an opportunity to look stupid. When things go a little askew in an administration, it's nice to have a pleasant distraction to redirect the focus and scrutiny away from tactical blunders. I don't think it's an accident that this birth certificate crap of Trumps came up when it did.

How do you punish air traffic controllers who can't stay awake during the day? Why, you put them on night shift, of course. Just remind me to fly around DC from now on.

2011-03-18T04:44:00.000-07:00

When my father was a little boy...

...teachers bitched about classroom size. The average number of students then was 30, now it's about 24 and they're STILL bitching! I've been to enough classrooms to know that size isn't a determining factor in learning as much as is having a good teacher and parental support. Can we have a new complaint?

Unions were necessary a hundred years ago. The government changed laws regarding employers treatment of employees. No need for unions, they've been replaced by statutes. Unions are totally self serving.

I never thought I'd see the day when France had bigger balls that Uncle Sam. Remember when we were friends with the UK? Today you hear about them so rarely that most people don't even know the PM's name.

I have no real experience in getting shot but I would imagine that it hurts.

Pastor Goodman, why don't you just install a drive through window instead of a parking lot? Then people could pay for their sacraments according to the menu:

Pastor Calls Flock Devils, Demons: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

I don't know what this dog is capable of

2011-03-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

2011-03-17T03:00:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

It's one of those days when I don't have to think about what to cook for dinner because the day dictates the menu...corned beef, cabbage and potatoes is the fare of the day. I'll begin cooking it early because it's not St. Patty's Day if your home doesn't smell like corned beef by noon.

I don't know why they call it "corned" beef, there isn't a bit of corn in it. I'll probably cook carrots with the rest of the meal but there won't be a kernel of corn anywhere to be found.

Also, with brain surgery, arrest warrants and 2 men out of my life, I think I can get ready to have Greyhound pay for their despicable actions that allowed me to have 2 vertebrae messed up in my neck. For some reason, all of the above mentioned distractions have stood in my way as I've tried to get on with my life lately.

I didn't do anything to deserve the brain surgery, I haven't done anything in years to be arrested but the dumping of the 2 men is all me. I became sick of them both, one constantly coming up with excuses why we had to meet at my place, leading me to think he was married and one who only took me out to eat at the diner down the street and to an occasional shopping trip at Goodwill. I don't mind either of those things, but I like to actually go OUT occasionally.

I went out the other day and picked a guy up because I wanted to...that was fun. Today is day 3 so if he's going to call me, it should be today. If not, I'll go out and find another one. Men are all over and I really do like them, I just seem to get bored easily so I haven't really been able to handle the same one for any length of time. Maybe someday I'll find one that doesn't bore me, but I kinda doubt it. It was tough enough to find one I really liked when I was in my 20's, I doubt I can find one that I like now.

The one I met the other day bet me that he was older than I was, I had to take him up on that and trust that I was still, as usual, the oldest person in the room. I was right, I was older than he and for that I won a beer that I didn't really want...but I did win. Then, I challenged him to a game of pool and he "warned" me that he "has a pool table at home" but I had faith in the fact that I'm as good at shooting pool as I am at being the oldest person in the room. I was right, after his stern warning, I kicked his ass.

Perhaps I need to find an old man who can beat me at pool so I can let the men walk around with some of their self respect.

Nah, I like WINNING!

2011-03-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Well...

...it took me a couple of days to find out exactly what the decision of Monday's court action meant. I still have to call the clerk to find out why I still have fines of any sort considering that on Monday morning, the prosecution filed a nolle prosequii motion because they couldn't locate the cop who pulled me over. So, the state declined to prosecute 'that day'.

So, that's 3 charges, and all of them nolle pros'ed me. I have no charges pending, I'm not wanted by the long arm of the law. Yippee...right?

Well, my friend who bailed me out was with me and we went to see what she had to do to get her bail money back. We went to the Clerk's office and found out that it takes weeks. BUT...we also found out that 20 years ago I had been fined upwards of 2 grand that I didn't know about. So, now I have to see if I really owe that money considering all charges were dismissed. There was also a matter of the 1991 bail money that my brother paid to get me out back then.

It's all very confusing and I don't even think I'm safe from double jeopardy should the missing cop show up again. I'll figure it out, one way or another.

The other day I had one of those weird dreams that had my ex in it. It's been a while since I've done the horizontal bop so I wasn't surprised to see him in that dream. Oddly enough, he looked good (from the neck down) because he had a beautiful body where his old body used to be and his regular old head sat on top of that great new body.

Usually, when I dream of him, the same old theme pops up, I'm trying to get him to tell me the truth. He never did. But I haven't had those dreams lately. I was rather surprised to find him playing the sexy part in one of my dreams...even if the nice body wasn't his.

Whatever...I went out and picked up a guy the other day and I hope he calls because he sure was pretty. He wore flannel shirts instead of the stuffy shirts worn by the CPA I had been dating. This one is a carpenter and I have a soft spot for them, indeed.

I have to think about the carpenter dude for a while. I do so enjoy that!

2011-03-12T02:51:00.000-08:00

Craigslist is amazing...

...did you know that you could shop for weed on that thing? I just noticed it. I was bored enough to browse the Strictly Platonics and half the people there were looking for weed or selling it. Now I've seen it all. When the news finally breaks this story, tell them I had it first.

I'd advertise that I want a date but with my luck, one of my ex's would respond...been there, done that. Or, Charlie Sheen could answer me and I wouldn't know whether to say yes or no, I already don't know whether to laugh or cry when he pops up on the news every morning.

It seems as though they've raided his house now...for weapons no less. I'm surprised they didn't call the home a compound. Of course it is early in THAT investigation. I think we can safely say that as nutty as Sheen has been behaving of late, he's paid enough without having the cops intrude on his "castle". I may be alone in that thinking but I really do feel as though people need to back off that dude or help him, the last thing he needs right now is more grief. But then, I'm a sweetie so I would think like that.

This morning I woke up to a news report about the nuclear problem occurring in Japan. The anchor had some scientist on the phone discussing the severity of a nuclear melt-down. Just as he was beginning to discuss the worldwide implications, the anchor cut him off and went to commercial, never to return. Peggy from Cancer Treatment Centers of America was there. She scares the hell out of me. Is she the ONLY patient who ever survived that place? If so, I wouldn't think we need to patronize them. If they can't cure a more affable person, I can't have them on my TV. Unfortunately, Peggy is halfway into her silly story before I can find my remote and get her off the screen. I'm starting to have Peggy nightmares so if anyone out there has an "in" with one of those nationwide facilities, could we please see some more of your success stories? If you don't have anymore, at least show us a funeral of another patient.

On that pleasant note, I must go suck more coffee and see if California is still where it was yesterday.

Ciao for now!

2011-03-10T03:08:00.000-08:00

I gave up trying to sleep...

...normal hours. Yesterday I went to bed early enough to wake up at 1 AM, fully refreshed and ready to start a brand new middle of the night. That wasn't much of a stretch, I've worked nights most of my life.

Sometime in the middle of my slumber, I was awoken by two kids fighting. The 13 year old boy had smacked the 10 year old girl and, considering how many different people have hit me over the years, I have a HUGE problem with violence in any form. I got up, hugged the little girl, watched the 10:00 PM episode of Family Guy with her and then I went back to sleep, hoping peace was in the air.

A while later, at exactly 12:27 AM to be precise, I woke up and made myself coffee, fed the puppy and took her for a walk in the middle of the night. When it came time to visit the downstairs bathroom for the first time, I found the above mentioned little girls' bathing suit in the toilet. She takes swimming lessons at the local YMCA and her suit is usually hanging in the shower to dry before her next lesson. The "boy who hits girls" had obviously tossed the little girls' suit in the toilet while he was angry last night.

Just to be a bitch, I did the laundry. When the bully comes downstairs to use the facilities, he will find his sisters' bathing suit hanging in it's usual place on the shower door, all clean, dry and April fresh.

I have a couple of options regarding how I'll handle him in the morning. I could just act like nothing happened, thereby nullifying his disgusting behavior. But, I sort of prefer another tact. I think I'll tell him that I "fished" the suit out of the toilet with "something", smile broadly, exposing my pearly whites, and then let him wonder how safe his toothbrush is. As I said, just to be a bitch.

So, it's a bit after 5 AM and I've made coffee, walked the dog, done the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, watched an old movie on TCM, checked my email, my Facebook page and written this post.

Speaking of Facebook, I recently went into my profile to change the picture from one of Stewie Griffin flipping the bird to one of Lois Griffin doing nothing. I had to because of the kids who seem to visit my page. Whilst I was editing my profile, I found out that I had labeled myself as "Interested in: Women". Now, I do find some women intriguing, but I don't think that's the message I was sending. I don't know how I didn't catch that for all this time, but I didn't. So, I fixed it. I am, as they say in the county lock-up, "strictly dickly". I never meant to advertise myself as a lesbian...not that there's anything wrong with that!

You can check my new Facebook profile at:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1117985420

2011-03-09T05:00:00.000-08:00

Lesbians are annoyed...

...at Justin Bieber because he changed his hair and as we all know, they hate to primp so none of them want to have to get a new hair do. I guess the bangs that were too long are easier than the "style" that Bieber is currently sporting. That was actually on the news this morning.

I fall asleep listening to the TV on so this morning I heard about the sad tale of lesbian woe as I woke up. The pathetic stories did not end there. I heard that Gary Busey was "dirty dancing" in public. For some reason, my foggy, half asleep brain told my eyes to look at the TV screen and when I did, I saw Busey "rocking" to some song better suited for a younger person who isn't planning to rent Richard Simmons Senior Citizens Dancing To The Oldies video. Because of that, I didn't need coffee this morning. My cardiac system thanks you Gary but the rest of me curses my foggy, half asleep brain.

When the Busey bushwhack was over, I crawled out of bed and crept silently downstairs. I go to bed very early specifically so that I can wake up early enough to have some alone time. I find it difficult to do because there's a little girl here who also goes to bed too early. If someone were to turn off the TV while I was asleep, I wouldn't be asleep anymore. Apparently, my waking up has the same effect on that little girl. So this morning, my alone time was spent helping her study for a biology test. We took about an hour to do that and when we finished, she informed me that the test isn't until Friday. I could have come to the computer a couple of hours ago but instead, I was explaining what a striated muscle was. I didn't learn such things until I was in college, I have no clue why a 10 year old needs to know now. Shouldn't they be learning something useful like what an onion skin looks like under a microscope?

It could be worse, I could be ignorant of the lesbian/Bieber hostilities. Of course, the 10 year old was present for that news alert AND she was asking questions. (10 year olds seem to be quite interested in all things Bieber.) She isn't my kid so I couldn't really explain a lesbian and I certainly couldn't explain why many of them hate to primp.

After the study session (biology, not lesbian), she asked me to make her breakfast. I fried a couple of eggs and made some toast and then as I was carrying her food in one hand and her juice in the other, I stepped into a puddle of pee so big that both of my socks were doggy urine soaked.

My feet are currently naked and cold, I'm in serious need of a Xanax and it isn't even 7 AM.

Have a loverly day!

2011-03-08T06:01:00.000-08:00

OMG!!!

Perhaps you've heard that the sense of smell is the sense most closely related to memory. I believe that because of my own life experience. Yesterday I was reminded of how powerful the sense of smell can be when memory is involved.

Last year I had a tooth capped. When I floss, I usually double floss because I love the flow of air between my teeth. I had a hard time getting the floss into either side of that capped tooth so I assumed that the dentist somehow glued all three of them together. Not wanting to return to Adolph the Dentist, I carefully avoided those two gaps when flossing. Yesterday, for no particular reason whatsoever, I single flossed. Somehow, that piece of floss easily entered the spaces I had been avoiding.

When I pulled the floss out of my mouth after flossing the entirety of one side of the cap, I was suddenly taken back to my most recent marriage as I was reminded of the aroma of my ex's breathe. To be sure, I flossed the other side of that tooth and I'll be damned, it was HIM!

So, to my ex, I have this message:

If I want you, and all your charms, all I have to do is floss.
I smell you so that I could die, I smell you so and that is why,
Whenever I smell you, all I ever do is ba-a-a-r-r-f.
Barf, barf, barf,
Ba-a-a-r-r-f.
I bring you to mind, taste your lips of slime,
Anytime, night or day.
Only trouble is, gee whiz,
I'm barfing my life away.

She did it!

2011-03-08T05:50:00.000-08:00

Of course she bores you first...

...but she did it!

2011-03-07T17:18:00.000-08:00

Watch Family guy...

...or blog my amusing thoughts of this afternoon? I'll go watch Family Guy...BRB!!!

2011-03-07T02:52:00.000-08:00

In case you've bored...

...of staring into space, watching paid programming or following Bill Maher's career, the consummate anti-WINNER Charlie Sheen has provided us with yet another platform on which we can follow his psyche tailspin. Help yourself to a perusal of his insanity. Those who can watch the entire vanquishment of Sheen's ability to maintain a lucid moment are the true winners, winning the title of the infamous "I am Crazier than Charlie Sheen" award.

Anne Hathaway and James Franco can thank Charlie, he has truly made their recent nullification of interest seem lucid by comparison. Not only that, his U-Stream group dick sucking display has even surpassed the Academy dick sucking debacle as the show most likely to cause unexplained, undeserved and inappropriate erections. Even his goddesses are confused and jealous.

Of course, they were already confused...jealousy is a new one to them but oddly, they aren't jealous of each other, they are actually jealous of Charlie and his ability to turn himself on.

Of course, they can still count on the fact that even Charlie can't make himself last more than 3 minutes so they seem to be taking the jealousy with a stiff upper lip, stiffness of any sort still alluding Charlie himself.

We, the "audience" can choose between a weekly assault on our senses or a daily affront but sadly, as with Social Security, there remains no "opt out" option.

While watching this Charlie-esque rant, I couldn't last any longer than one of Charlie's romps so I must admit that it might have gotten better, but somehow I doubt it.

Once again, if you have absolutely nothing to do, no wall to wash or studs to pull out of a snow tire, here you go (odd, Charlie takes longer to load a U-Stream than he does to...oh well, you get the picture so I'll simply post the link):

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/13119584

Relative Sanity

My new grandson...

2011-03-05T04:59:00.000-08:00

Joaquin Alexander

2011-03-03T09:29:00.000-08:00

Today I have a brand new grandson...

...he weighs 8 pounds which is pretty good considering that he was born minus his right arm. He'll be a south paw for sure, we'll never have to guess about that. Can you imagine how strong that arm is going to be? I think that my grandson is going to be one heckuva strong character all around.

I know some things that no one else knows about him yet. He's a blessing to my daughter who at times needs a reminder of how strong she is. Little Joachin will let her know every single day now that he's here. I'd thank him now for that but he hasn't learned any English yet. Someday I'll have to let him know how much I appreciate everything he's going to do for my beautiful daughter who waited a long time for him to show up.

As proud as I am of her, I can only imagine the pride she will feel for her little boy. Everything he does will be just a little tougher for him but as he tries a bit harder, she will beam with the pride of a mother who has watched her child face challenge after challenge and accomplish things she never dreamt him capable of accomplishing.

We're all born with challenges ahead of us, but most of us don't realize how strong our children are because we assume that success is a given. Joachin's mother won't make that assumption lightly so when he shows his strength, she will be a lucky mother indeed. She will know that her son has worked hard to tie his shoes, write his name and catch a ball. Most mother's take such achievements as ordinary milestones but my daughter will see Joachin's success's as the true triumphs that they are. She's a lucky mother indeed.

What a strong arm he will have! That one arm will take him through life, literally single-handedly. It will be a Herculean arm that will hug her tightly enough to let her know that her son doesn't need two arms to show his love and appreciation for a mother who has grown stronger along with him. My pride in them both may be early, but it is well placed, of that I am sure.

I often wonder why so many challenges are placed in my way but Joachin's birth has answered so many questions. I had to face challenges so that I could be here today, and be here with the strength that my daughter needs as she meets her amazing little boy. I can't afford to be in California to hold Joachin yet but I am so looking forward to meeting the little man myself. He will do with one arm what many can't do with two. My wonderful daughter gets to watch him grow up to be a strong man who will show her that he only needs one arm to reach his own stars, however high they may be.

Once again, I thank Joachin for what he will do for my daughter. The tiny arm he possesses today will be an amazing arm and he will be an amazing human being, giving us all strength that we never knew we had. And I thank my daughter for giving me such an amazing gift, a grandson who has already, in less that 12 hours on this planet, shown me why life can be so rocky. And, he's made me a little bit ashamed that I ever asked, "Why me?"

2011-03-02T10:34:00.001-08:00

Today is a messed up day...

...but with any luck it will end up to be a happy day. My daughter is off to the hospital to be induced so she should deliver a baby boy at some point. I have no control over that and it wasn't unexpected so I'll just sit here and wait.

But, much to my dismay, Abby the dog bit me in the belly this morning. Now, the bite itself wasn't really bad and didn't break the skin but the fact that there was enough belly for her to get her jaws around was rather alarming.

The Year of Hell (2004) was the year that I had cancer and my lovely husband had a mistress. I had specifically requested that he NOT fuck other women so I was not pleased about that situation. The cancer and the fucking of his mistress (I would number her but I lost count of them) combined to cause me to lose weight at a rapid rate. I lost about 70 pounds, going down to 90 pounds at one point. Trying to gain weight was harder than any diet I have ever been on. I went from a size 12 to a size zero before my doctors finally put me on Marinol (THC in a pill) to help stimulate my appetite. It worked.

Over the past couple of years I've gained some weight back but as long as I was still in size 4 or 6, I certainly wasn't concerned about that. Recently, with all of my health problems, I've gained a few more pounds but deluded myself thinking that as long as I was around 130, I was fine and dandy. I guess I should have been more concerned with the placement of that 130 pounds.

I have gained and lost weight over the years, especially during pregnancies. But, never, ever, have my skinny legs gained a pound. When I was pregnant, I looked like a water tower. Those suckers are still as thin as they've ever been so the extra weight has obviously settled into my gut.

Up until Abby's little nip, I was still working under the delusion that I was thin. Now I have to face reality and go on a diet. That just sucks and I want pizza NOW.

Have a nice day and if my daughter calls me back to tell me that little Joachin (yes, Joachin) is here, I'll let you know.

:)

2011-03-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

I must apologize...

...to Abby. I've been calling the hyper-active little critter "crazy" for weeks and suddenly I have seen what true insanity is. Charlie Sheen has proven to me that Abby has much better sense than does the millionaire freak of nature who wins the award for The Most Jaw Dropping Comments in one day by a human...yes Carlos, you win.

Charlie is apparently drug free, a perfect example of someone who is in serious need of some sort of brain altering medication. Forget his sit-com, his social IQ is nowhere near 2 and 1/2. The only thing he has accomplished with his behavior of late is to answer the question, "Why would Charlie Sheen need to pay for sex?"

He doesn't even have the sense to pay his hookers to shut up. One of them has been making the rounds complaining about Speedy Esteves and his "epic" 3 minute tryst. But what do I know? I'm just one of the fools to whom he refers when he brags that people can't "process" what it's like to be a "rock star" such as himself.

No, Charlie, I have no clue what it's like to be you and with God's good grace, I never shall. He is right about one thing, he is "special". When the networks are stumped over who should be the lead story, Charlie Sheen or Mohamar what's his name, you have to admit, you have a special guy.

2011-02-26T08:10:00.000-08:00

I've never denied that I was a flake...

...and as much as I'd like to, I can't blame my flakiness on age. I'm sure that my advancing years haven't made me any LESS flaky, but I have been referred to as a "flake" since the 70's. I don't mind, it could be much worse, I could be Lindsay Lohan. Recently I had an experience which not only proved me to be a flake, but a blind flake as well.

I had a doctor's appointment at one of those offices that is well known for making patients wait for ridiculously long periods of time, once in the big waiting room, then again in the small waiting room that doubles as an examination room and then finally, after my visit with the doctor, in a waiting line where one waits to make another waiting appointment.

Since a long wait is a given, I had my friend drop me off instead of making her waste her day waiting with me. When my waiting appointment was over, I was giddy with happiness as I called my buddy and told her that my wait was over and that she could finally come and take me home.

After waiting for my ride in the big waiting room, I decided to go outside and wait for her in the parking lot.

At this point I should mention that last week, I had occasion to tell my friend's little girl what the term, "Shotgun!" meant when shouted while entering a vehicle. She is a wee munchkin and had never heard that term used that way before.

So, when I saw the SUV approaching with a dark haired little girl in the shotgun seat, I ran to the door shouting, "Shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!' As the SUV inched closer to me, I went toward the door to open it and was pleased to see that the door was unlocked. As I put my hand on the door latch, I looked at the little girl who was glaring back at me. I noticed something odd. It wasn't a flash of knowledge, it was more of a slow realization that the little girl was not the little Asian lady I was expecting, it was a young Hispanic lady who I had never seen before in my life.

At that point I realized that I had run after the wrong vehicle shouting, "Shotgun!" over and over again.. I quickly took my hand off of the door leading to some one's precious daughter and apologized profusely through the closed car windows.

I walked away from the vehicle with my hand covering my embarrassed face. I didn't know whether to laugh or hide from the police whom I assumed would be surrounding me momentarily. Eventually, I found a spot against the side of the doc's office to wait, out of the wind and out of sight of the poor woman and the child whom I had just freaked out intensely.

I watched carefully the intersection from which I expected my friend to come. It was amazing how every other vehicle was a blue-green SUV like the one for which I was waiting and the one that I had just assaulted. My buddy chose to take a different route this time so I never saw her coming, suddenly I just noticed an SUV that looked like hers (but hey, so did the first one!). The people in that vehicle were waving at me but so had the people who were in the first SUV.

I walked nonchalantly toward the vehicle without shouting out names of huge and deadly weapons. Luckily, that vehicle contained my friend and her daughter so I climbed in and began to tell my buddy and her daughter my tale of woe. As we were driving out of the parking lot, I noticed that the original mother/daughter team STILL hadn't ventured out of their own vehicle, probably afraid of the crazy woman who chased them shouting "Shotgun!" and trying to enter their vehicle as those she owned it. My guess is that the mom had dialed 911 and was awaiting the Elgin Illinois Police Department.

My apologies to the lady and the little girl, I won't ever do that again...of that I am sure. And now that I think of it, even if I DO know that I'm approaching the right vehicle, I'll never run to the door shouting "Shotgun!", "38 Special!", or Cyanide in a syringe!".

You'd think that I would have learned that lesson before THIS long!!!

Talk About Bad Taste

2011-02-24T04:40:00.000-08:00

I can't imagine that this Mexican restaurant serves drinks that don't leave a bad taste in your mouth. This billboard is NOT a joke, it was spotted on a roadside in Indiana. Now, I know Indiana is full of corn, but I am quite sure there are also folks there who remember the mass suicide to which this billboard refers.

I can't imagine how many free tacos they'd have to promise me to patronize one of their establishments, but the number would have to be issued with an exponent. Perhaps there are people who find this advertisement amusing so for them, and any other sadistic advertising companies out there, I offer the following slogans for free:

British Petroleum...We didn't kill YOUR fish!

Dr. N. Azi DDS...Our gas may not come out of a shower head, but it will make you laugh!

ACME Luggage Co...Come to our Lockerbie celebration, it's raining suitcases!

Sears Tower Observation Deck...If you're lucky you might get a great view of approaching aircraft!

Mike Vick Doggie Day Care...We guarantee our females stay put for your males!

New Orleans...Free Motor boat rental for all white visitors!

New Zealand Dennys...Tackle our 6 story stack-O-pancakes!

Christa McAuliffe Center for Citizens in Space...We teach you which button NOT to push!

The Zahra Baker Experience...Find a bone and your visit is free!

Mail Order Muslim Brides...They may not be willing, but hey, they're only 9, you can easily hold their non-compliant asses down!

And the Abby Daily Mess:

Crazy Abby

2011-02-23T04:50:00.000-08:00

Although occasionally, and for a price, she can be good.

2011-02-21T06:06:00.000-08:00

Good Monday!

I spent my weekend removing two layers of caulk from a bathtub and applying one. (I bought a "caulk remover" but it was so useless that I think it was invented by the same jack-ass who marketed the Pet Rock.) The first layer I had to remove was "transparent" caulk and it was applied rather sloppily. The difficulty there was finding the caulk to remove it. It was EVERYWHERE. The second layer of caulk was so hard that I suspect it was grout. I had to chisel it off. If ever there was an example of "Do it right the first time and you won't have to do it again", this was it. All I have left to do is scrape off any extraneous caulk I may have left behind. I'll get back in the stupid tub when my back stops hurting from yesterday's effort.

I just took a short break because the room was filling with short people. One of them took a donut out of a box-0-donuts, ate half of it and then ran to the bathroom. He left the donut on the kitchen counter. Being the annoying person that I am, I took that donut (and the box) and hid it. He is currently whining to his mother that his sister ate his donut. I guess I have to address that situation, BRB.

OK, I'm back. I love being annoying. These kids have been sadly neglected when it comes to teaching practical jokes. They didn't even know about the kitchen hose/rubber band trick until I pulled it on them...separately. That one never loses it's ability to crack me up. I have taken it upon myself to teach them the tricks of the trade so this evening, someone will have a plate full of salt.

I guess it's time to go sit in the bathtub and curse the yahoo's who caulked it wrong. It may not sound like pleasant thinking but it helps me pass the time.

On a serious note, I heard about another teen aged victim of cyber-bullying that committed suicide. That is simply heartbreaking. Please, if you are a victim of cyber bullying, contact me and let me help put the bully in their place before you hang yourself. I have the potential to be quite a bitch and I'm rather confident that I can squelch any nit-wit teenager who feels the needs to cowardly bully from behind a computer monitor.

Ugliest dog in the world...

2011-02-16T04:29:00.000-08:00

...wins Best in Show! If I were that dog, I'd look up for a bucket of blood before it falls on my head.

"Ssshhhh! Don't draw attention and maybe no one will notice your cloven hooves!"

"Don't you just love my new extensions?"

"I saw that boxer...no one is chopping off MY ears!"

"E.T. phone home!"

"YES! Right there. That muscle always spasms when I'm nervous."

"The better to BITE you with!

"I think I ate too much cotton candy!"

The youngest, less famous Gabor sister.

"Well...shove a stick up my ass and lets wash this floor!"

Breeding a toy dachsund is as stupid as breeding tiny mice.

"Get your hand out of my butt, I'm not a puppet!"

"I told you to stop...your head will NOT fit up my ass!"

"I just washed my hair and I can't do a thing wih it!"

"Have you seen Mata Hari? She has my kibble."

"Give me the Bea Arthur cut."

"Can you direct me to the first class seats, please??"

2011-02-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

I found an interesting new blog...

...for those interested in all things political:

http://teapartyplatfom.blogspot.com/

2011-02-14T08:28:00.000-08:00

"The Labrador Retriever is such a gentle dog that he can carry an egg in his mouth without breaking it."

Try a pillow...nope.

Somebody owes me 2 eggs.

Good Monday!

2011-02-14T03:44:00.001-08:00

Abby may have more energy that the Energizer Bunny, but somewhere under that hyper, insane facade is a smart dog waiting to be taught. She learns tricks in one morning. I don't teach her one everyday, I usually just practice the old ones to get them ingrained in her head. The hard part is actually getting a chance to tell her what to do, she's usually doing them all, one after another, waiting for a treat.

This one is "Lap!" When I say "Lap" she is supposed to curl up at my lap and put her head in it. She did that part but the camera just caught her eating her treat.

Next we have one of her more impressive tricks, "Jump!" I finally got a shot of her actually jumping although you can't see the air she cleared. By the time I get someone to help me with the pictures, you'll be seeing some serious DOG JORDAN! Here's the one that was hard to teach but she does it like a pro now. I may have made a mistake with this one, she can push the stool over to the counter and grab whatever she has a notion to grab.
Her plain ol' "Lie down" move, inexplicably tough for her. Maybe it's because, done properly, it takes her further from the treat.
Sit pretty is way too easy. It's the first thing I taught her and she usually sits as soon as I walk into the room as to say, "Look what a good puppy I am, I'm already in position!"

We're working with hula hoops now which is proving to be quite a challenge because she seems to be terrified of that sucker.

2011-02-13T06:20:00.001-08:00

2011-02-13T04:04:00.000-08:00

Abby is a smart little girl...

...I can usually teach her one trick in the morning. Here are a few:

This one was tough because she had to learn, not only to put her front paws up but her rear paws as well. THEN, I had to teach her to stay on the bench. But, I'm proud to say that Abby is one smart little girl and when the weather warms up, I'll be teaching her all kinds of stuff.

You may think that "Down!" is an easy command. She does it, when she darn well feels like it. She is smart enough to realize that there isn't anything that far down to tear up or eat. And we keep the high value treats such as remote controls far too high for her to reach. But the way she's growing, who knows how long that will last?

Sit was an easy one:

Now, Abby has more tricks but I need a camera man to get those shots in movement. I keep trying and maybe sometime I'll get it to work myself.

I taught her to jump straight up and that puppy gets some air between her and the floor. I'm just not fast enough to get her in the air, but trust me...it's cool.

Karma at it's Best

2011-02-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

A Central California man who was at a cockfight died after being stabbed in the leg by a bird that had a knife attached to its own limb, officials confirmed Monday.

Now, if I could only teach Philadelphia pit bulls to pull a trigger...

To Ron From His Philipino Girlfriend Who was Trying to Manipulate Him into Marriage...They even referred to themselves as married

2011-02-07T12:17:00.000-08:00

My Darlin Ron,
I dont know what to say but Im really angry of what Kelly is doing! Now shes saving herself for what she has done. She's is now making things worst by telling you that Im the one asking her about who you are and what you are? Honestly, the only three questions I have asked her is… first, if you have the same religion and you just have different church? The second one is....why Ron and you got separated when nine or ten years is a bit long relationship for husband and wife? The third is I asked a copy of the divorce paper which I have told you I am going to tell Kelly because I want to know whom she is playing the game with.....YOU or ME? And she answered NO! as stated in her letter and she wants me to ask a copy from you .And in her letter to you, she is really making sure that you already have the divorce paper and emphasizing you have the knowledge of it even before.
After all what she has said bad and negative things about you, now she is saying that she doesnt want to feed me any bad information about you? Shes the one who have said it all about you, with all the letters I have forwarded to you coming from her. I cant stand this kind of woman and I dont want to be used by someone like her!!! Now, she is writing you to say that am asking things about you? I never thought someone would ever do this to me for I never hurt or done any thing wrong with anyone else. I think you have to write her back and tell her to stop intruding to our relationship, and tell her whatever she said both of us will never believe. She has her own life now, and whatever bad things she is doing now will all get back to her. Darlin write her back only once If she writes back again, dont reply anymore, just write her ONCE. She's making all things worst for us now. I Am so confused, too of what is happening, Part of her intention the way I analyzed it is for you to make a bad impression on me by telling you that she doesnt want to say anything about you to me, well in fact I have asked only 3 questions and she have said whatever she wanted to say about you! Darlin, what is this happening? I AM SO CONFUSED!! I dont want to think that I am being a victim on all whats happening. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I REALLY LOVE YOU, HOW I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU and HOW MUCH PAIN IT WILL CAUSE MY LIFE TO LOSE YOU.

I am asking you to please find a solution. please do everything now to give way to our plans of starting our papers for she will not stop. This made me depress again, and I am crying again for I dont know where I am. All I could say is that I REALLY LOVE YOU and WHOEVER YOU ARE I WILL STILL LOVE YOU, no matter what others may say about you.

Thats better Darlin that the infection is totally gone. Yes I think you have the other tooth removed before it will get infeccted again as what had happened to the other one. Yes antibiotics must be completed Darlin. I know you always enjoy the time with the kids and Im happy for you.

I will pause here and pray to GOD that everything will be fine and will guide and protect you in whatever you do. Please take good care of yourself and so with the kids and GOD BLESS YOU ALL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WITH ALL MY HEART and SOUL..

Your Loving Wife,

N i n g

2011-02-07T02:40:00.000-08:00

Well...

...I'll be darned. I had a "Super Bowl date" yesterday and as things turned out, I handled it well. A guy I know wanted to hang out and watch the game. I had plans with a guy I've been seeing but he blew me off last week so I hedged my bets and made 2 dates for yesterday assuming at least one would show up. I was right, one did.

The guy was nice enough but rather forward during the game. I don't like forward on a first date when it's NOT Super Bowl day, I sure didn't need it during the big game. I promise you, if I'm good with things, I take the heat off the guy and get forward myself. I think it's a wise man who waits for the woman to wave him in.

Anyway, before the game was over, I had to defend my boobs, the fly of my pants and my entire face had to be saved by a "hard kisser", one of my worst things. I don't know why a guy feels the need to cram teeth into teeth but I'll tell you, I couldn't wait for that stupid game to end.

Then this morning I get the following email from Prince Charming:

"Thanks for the Superbowl party. I tell you.. .it is a trek out there. But I don't think we're quite there."

No dude, we're not. But tell me something, "If we aren't "there", why was I playing defense throughout the game?" If Pittsburgh had played D so well, it might have been an entirely different game.

I sure am glad that I'm good at saying "No!" because if I had enjoyed his company and fallen for his sweet nothings, teeth butting and groping hands, I would be a one night skank this morning and that can't be.

So, to the guy who blew me off for the second week in a row, "Screw you." And to the one who felt it necessary to endanger my bridge work, "I woke up with a hideous sore throat this morning and one of the kids here just got over strep." That'll teach you.

PS Grabbed from my cousins Facebook wall:

Urban Dictionary
Mansplain - to delighting in condescending, inaccurate explanations delivered with rock solid confidence of rightness and that slimy certainty that of course he is right, because he is the man in this conversation - http://urbanup.com/4634426

Ouch.

2011-02-06T07:03:00.000-08:00

Tatsuya Ichihashi, the prime suspect in the 2007 murder case of British language school teacher Lindsay Ann Hawker, is shown before, left, and after cosmetic surgeries. (AP Photo/Chiba Prefectural Gyotoku Police)

This dude was serious about not being arrested...he performed plastic surgery on himself in an attempt to evade capture. I must admit, I never thought of that. I did perform minor surgery on my friends' dog and I removed sutures from my kids when they would damage the integrity of their integumentary system. Add to that my desire to be rid of a turkey gobbler type thing that hangs under my chin, you'd of thunk I would have at least THOUGHT of operating on myself.

I could probably do it if I had to, but I don't have to. And, of course, I have no lidocaine with which I could make numb my neck flesh. Deep down I'm a coward compared to the creepy and desperate murderer pictured above.

Considering the lengths some people go to when trying to look younger, I'm surprised more of them haven't taken a can-do outlook and grabbed a box cutter. After all, Botox doesn't even TRY to hide what it is, it's in the name, botulism toxin. Yet people line up for that and even have parties where everyone gets a little needle-full of toxin injected into their face. I never seem to get invited to those parties so I can't say it's a bad idea but I would probably decline my invite out of hand. Botulism and toxin are two things that I try to steer clear of.

But...if I had that lidocaine, a box cutter and a really, really sharp pair of scissors, who knows?

2011-02-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

2011-02-05T04:26:00.000-08:00

Dudes...

...I don't care how nice a guy says my boobs are, there is simply no velvet to put on the following hammer, "You have Olive Oyl legs."

Yep, that's what I just heard from one who hath perused the landscape that is my body.

Oh sure, it was qualified with a ridiculous, "...but remember, I love A, B, and C." Well, if A, B and C are approaching on Olive Oyl legs, they lack the confidence that they need with which to fully utilize their charms, whatever they may be.

I suppose there's a rationale behind the thinking of men but I'll be damned if I can figure it out. I could be so stupid as to verbally disparage a part of a man of which he is fond, proud and assured. But I'm smart enough to know that I don't want mind games to enter any lovemaking that I might be enjoying at the time.

Unfortunately, that's a rather positive outlook on a relatively bleak situation. While I admit to some seriously passionate kissing tournaments, actual love making is as rare as is a lovely day in Chicago. It's probably just as good, I like kissing and the unknown horizontal bop is always better than it's twin, the known horizontal bop.

You know, it mightn't be so bad if it weren't for the Olive Oyl magnet on the fridge. She mocks me over and over again, daily as I reach for the half and half. My normally quiet and peaceful early morning has been usurped. The dawn isn't as sweet as it could be today because I have Olive Oyl legs.

How does one make a positive out of THAT?

Who knew?

2011-02-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

Eew.

2011-02-04T04:51:00.000-08:00

The 13 year old boy is the most hideous creature known to other aged people.

The only reason that they don't have 2 schools that meet in 7th grade is because middle school children would, either; kill the little ones or be killed by the big ones...if not each other. No one else deserves to be subjected to these hellions so they stick 'em all in one place and call it middle school.

The inhabitants, even the good ones, feel full of self, full of brains and "smellin' their own piss". (I don't know what that means but my grandmother said it a lot.) I raised my 3 and said a fond farewell to them years ago. They're all married and doing fine. There's no reason that I should be subject to another 13 year old but there's one about 10 feet away from me and the only thing that keeps him from killing me is the fear of jail and the fact that I still have a few inches on him. Next year the latter will be gone and I'll have to depend on scaring the hell out of him when it comes to jail. I can do that easily enough without tarrying far from the truth.

If you read my last post you might remember that I made mention of a certain 13 year old boy who was annoying me at the time. He isn't bothering me right now, the sane personality is here today. The pleasant young man is actually fun to talk to because he's beginning to get those jokes that parents usually direct over a kid's head. He gets the subtle nuances of my humor and that's always good. So, I've finally found my current conversational equal and he is a 13 year old boy. Ironic because ever since 8th grade I have despised whatever 13 year old I was near.

This one has a personality that visited the other day and refused to shovel snow after a blizzard. If 2 feet of snow is the problem, two 52 year old women, one with a heart condition, one with a brain condition and both possessing few intact vertebrae, are not the solution. A 13 year old boy, on the other hand, is exactly what the situation calls for. This one refused to do it and the Excuse Factory personality was here at the time. I told his mother to stop arguing with him because after 2 snow days, I could snap at any time.

I can't lose my temper with him, that's the first and most frequent signal to the child that you have totally lost control and that can't be because the kid hasn't even learned control yet. I avoid the first sign of weakness by maintaining a frightening degree of self control and reticence around children and men.

I can't beat the tar out of him because of the intake process of any jail you might choose. If they'd send me straight to a work detail on some Virginia mountainside, I'd attack the kid now. But I absolutely despise the booking process and the accompanying Classification. They could really punish most people simply by letting them pull the first 72 hours over and over again. After that it's nowhere near as bad as one might think.

I can't kill him, his mom would be really mad at me and I don't think I could hopscotch out of a murder charge. That, too, would involve a booking process anyway so it's out for 2 reasons.

I chose instead to give the young man wannabee exactly what he was giving me...nothing. He didn't want to shovel his mother's car out of the driveway or make it so that I could safely, and without thigh high boots, walk comfortably to the mailbox. We didn't ask much, considering the possibilities. He should have been out there the first day offering to help some neighbor with a snow blower so that the guy would be happy to blow in return. But, he was busy working at the Excuse Factory and any physical labor would have proven his visit to the factory pointless. If you ask this kid to walk up 2 steps, he'll climb the entire staircase to show you why he can't climb the other 2. It's incredible. I myself, did not make excuses, I simply served him as he was serving the family.

I went on 13 year old Excuse Boy strike. I stopped doing his laundry, told him not to even ASK for pancakes and our pleasant conversations ceased.

Considering how sweet I usually am, it can annoy a person to be deprived of me. Punishment decided. I told him why (with no excuses) I was being such a "not nice" person. "As long as your mother is snowed in and I can't safely walk down the stairs, you will be receiving no further family privileges from yours truly." That shut him up and lowered my blood pressure considerably.

Well, it took 24 hours but the kid finally relented...or so he says. I haven't seen the driveway yet. But, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for chatting purposes. I won't fry a single pancake until that SUV is out of the driveway and yesterday's mail is in the house...dry, but I will let him be a part of a scintillating conversation.

Suddenly he's the normal kid who I rather like. Go figure.

2011-02-02T08:50:00.001-08:00

You know...

...I've been trying to post some pictures I took of the snow but for some reason it won't work now. Damn it.

I'll git it later.

Anyway, apparently there is a lot of snow out there, it just depends on where you look. If you glance out a window at a landscape picture, it looks pretty sedate outside. But, when you start to try to maneuver in that crap, it seems a bit more caustic. I guess you're in trouble as soon as you realize that the door won't open. All the big doors open in but the storm doors all open out and out isn't easy with a couple feet of snow on the other side of a door.

My silly friend left a note telling me not to step out the front door. I thought she was concerned about mys safety but she was only afraid that some snow might fall back in and get on the carpet. I never thought that we'd get through a blizzard without some snow on the carpet. Hell, it's been all OVER the carpet.

My friend's idiot dog got stuck in the frame of my bed the other night. She woke me up in the middle of the night struggling to get out. Dazed and confused, I tried one thing after another before I finally realized that the dog was actually IN the frame and that some bed deconstruction was in order. It was no fun at all, by the time I took the bolt off the nut my hands were shaking. I thought the dog was paralyzed when she fell out of the bed...she's such an old dog. That was 3 AM and try as I might, I couldn't get back to sleep after that. I tried but just ended up watching some old black and white movie on TCM. Almost as good as sleep.

There's a 13 year old here who spends all of his time explaining why he can't do whatever it is he's supposed to be doing. Blizzards are no fun with kids in the house. (If they didn't mess up the snow, I would've gone out and played in the new stuff myself. But they screwed it up for me so I'm currently avoiding the snow outside. Apparently it stretches for quite some distance so I couldn't walk away if I wanted to.) This kid is amazing, if you take away all of his potential excuses in a discussion, he simply "forgets' the discussion. It's excuse making at the outer limits, the likes of which I've never seen before.

Well, my daughter is supposed to have her baby this month, I need to check Facebook or that kid will grow up before anyone tells me he's here.

I think I got the pictures now:

>

2011-02-02T03:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not impressed...

...as a great fighter once said to his opponent, "Ain't so bad!"

Inexplicably, I have been in Chicago for the hugest blizzards in area lore. Consideriong how little time I've actually lived here as an adult, I seem to be around for most historical Chiacgo Blizzards. I was there in '67, driving through Bensenville during the Blizzard of '79 and making a poorly timed visit in '99. So far...this is nothing but a very pretty annoyance. They say the snow is blowing away into drifts. Now...except for the drifts overhanging an occasional gutter spout, I haven't seen any like the drifts in '67 that buried the front of our L-Shaped ranch. It was so massive that we could walk from the street across the yard and over the house where we walked to jump into the backyard snow. THAT was a storm. My father couldn't get in from the city and we were stuck in the suburbs with Mom. For days. All 6 of us. Looking back, I often wonder what her thoughts on birth control were as she applied them to herself. I assume she gave it some thought but I have no evidence to support that concept.

Anyway, all I remember of the '79 blizzard (besides being in a 3 day poker game) is praying a lot when I was trying to get home avoiding drunks and fools driving along side of me. The deal I made was that I would never go out on New Year's Eve again and I haven't. Actually, I don't want to. It's the night they let the nuts out and the blizzard potential just isn't worth it in Chicago. '99 was cool in that it affected me only by a delayed flight, no problem, I just didn't go to the airport. I do NOT suffer airports well and I long for the day that the only obstacle between me and my flight was the fat man waddling slowly in front of me. If you hit the ground running when you were dropped off, you could make a 9:55 flight by getting to the airport at 9:47. Oh well.

Anyway, before '67 you would have to go to before my father was born to read of record setting blizzards and therefore, I have the main events in my list-O-interesting personal life trivia. I think that, so far, this storm has been a bust here in ChicagoLand. While I admit the "pain in the ass scale" is taking a lickin'...any rumors of city-paralyzing, history making storms with it's "shear volume to be feared" have been grossly overstated. We're just fine.

We wiped out the grocery stores yesterday. I bought 2 huge economy size bags of Totino's Pizza Rolls and then nearly finished one of them off yesterday by myself. I could've done it if I were just a LITTLE BIT more piggish. I may stop late, but I generally see the red lights eventually...and a big fat belly is something that I can avoid easily. Not all of my personal red lights are so easily detected and avoided.

Anyway, I'm gonna give this storm a bit more time to show me what it's got or I'm calling it a dud.

2011-01-31T04:41:00.000-08:00

Are you kidding me?

I've been watching the events as they've evolved (devolved?) in Egypt quite closely. For days my heart has gone out to the thousands of people crowded in the streets demanding the end of Hosni Mubarek's rule.

Since I can read neither their language nor their signs, I've depended upon American reporters to explain just what it is that the Egyptian people are dieing for. I heard things like, "I can't feed my family on 2 dollars a day." That's a desperation with which I can empathize. Perhaps they want democracy, I'm not sure but certainly they deserve that inalienable right of government for the people, of the people and by the people. The American in me wanted to fly to Cairo and march along side of the protesters.

Then, this morning, a reporter from CNN found an Egyptian woman who could speak English well enough to say, "We hate him, he is for Israel, we hate Israel, they are our enemy!"

Like an American racist who uses the "N" word in a heated discussion, that woman deflated her nation's entire argument and immediately made me wonder if I had been duped for the past week.

I don't care if a person is for or against Israel, that hate is not something that I can relate to nor is it something that I can condemn out of hand. But it certainly isn't a cause that I will back in any way. Common enemies should be listed along with politics and misery as causes of strange bedfellows, that I get. But Israel is not my enemy.

Israel has flexed their might in self defense and rarely otherwise. Even so, many would attack Israeli's for simply being Israeli's. I've been around long enough to figure that much out. I haven't heard of a mad Hasidic bomber and I've never encountered a Jew who was anything but friendly. I have no argument with them.

I also had no argument with Egyptians, they seemed to stand alone as a nation of reason and literacy in an area of the world where little of either exists. I followed Menachem Begin and Anwar Sadat during the Camp David accords and in my 33 year old son's baby book under Current Events I scribbled, "Mid-East peace talks." I was terribly saddened when an assassin's bullet shot down President Sadat because this planet has far too few leaders so devoted to peace amongst our fellow inhabitants. Each one is precious and the loss of one so decent was truly a loss for us all.

I've had every reason in the world to believe that the uprising in Egypt was one of a civilized people. Naturally, my sentiments would go with them, I've grown old thinking that Egypt was a modern country with educated citizens who shower and strive for peace.

Please don't tell me that this is just another nation of muslim extremists who live solely to see the death of all Jews. That would be one of the hugest disappointments in my life.

Alrighty Then

2011-01-29T06:23:00.000-08:00

Americans can rest easily tonight, knowing that the justice system is hard at work protecting us all from dangerous thugs and despicable scum because "Mark Steven Phillips, 62, was arrested Thursday in his apartment at Century Village, Fla., a seniors community".

Worry not potential victims of theft, rape and murder, your tax dollars are being spent to secure our land and to assure that we are not only safe in our own homes but also free to venture, unharmed, outside of our homes should we feel the desire. Thank the heavens above, we can even vacation in Florida once again without fear that we may come across evil Mr. Phillips.

Although I can assure you that I personally would never harm another human being (nor have I ever been accused of such), the state of Illinois has also put me in my place and I will face trial on March 14th for a twenty year old traffic ticket. Prosecutors who were wearing Pampers when I committed my crime will see to it that I pay the penalty for an offense committed by a younger version of myself when most of my problems were "solved" by downing a large quantity of Michelob.

The fact that I have gone twenty years without harming, robbing or tickling viciously any living human means no more than does the fact that the above pictured Mr. Phillips has gone even longer, thirty years, without garnering so much as a speeding ticket. Let THAT be a lesson to anyone who feels as though clean and sober living for decades is a credible option once you have been accused by the ungodly long and apparently timeless arm of the law.

Consider not that, "unless the crime is exceptionally heinous in nature, social justice as enacted through law has compromised that lesser crimes from long ago are best let be rather than distract attention from contemporary serious crimes." Forgive not aging hippies who once found it interesting to engage in mind altering experiences. It was just such behavior that sparked the philosophy of "Make Love, Not War". We simply cannot allow citizens of that ilk to mingle along side the decent people.

Ignore the fact that marijuana is a "gateway drug" simply because the law forces users to enter an illegal gate which they wouldn't otherwise broach. That drug abuse is listed amongst diseases such as cancer and diabetes should not sway us either. Addiction stands relatively alone on the list of illnesses for which one can be incarcerated. That Mr. Phillips committed the egregious crime of providing weed to willing partiers is crime enough to warrant an actual warrant.

The fact that my aunt disappeared and hasn't been heard from in years, not even by her beloved grandchildren, isn't too much of an issue. That JonBenet Ramsey, Amanda Dowler and Christal Jones were tortured and murdered by persons unknown is no more important than is the fate of the countless other children for whom their parents mourn.

Family heirlooms stolen? Daughter raped? Mother missing? Seriously, can't you wait until Mr. Phillips is safely tucked away in some prison were he can never again darken the steps of the senior center where he's been living? Prisons overcrowded? Tax dollars spent? Families living with the shame and pain of an incarcerated loved one? Worry not, the police have taken Mark Phillips off of the streets and yours truly will face a judge before long.

Now we can all breath a collective sigh of relief.

2011-01-26T05:05:00.000-08:00

I think that I...

...have finally recovered from the traumatic events of last week. In the previous post, I explained what happened but I knew that there was more that I wanted to share with you.

I've been working as a nursing assistant or a Registered Nurse for close to 40 years. I remember being a child and having a special feeling when I was in the presence of a nurse. I guess it had something to do with the fact that nurses are, by nature, very nurturing and as the oldest of 6 kids, I sort of got lost in the shuffle as my mother had one baby after another. There were always younger kids to deal with so, as the oldest, I pretty much was left to my own devices. Nurses, on the other hand, are quite kind and considerate to their patients so naturally, I warmed up to them as I received the attention they afforded me.

Anyway, I grew up and went to nursing school and I've always enjoyed my profession. I also hold a special respect for the profession in general because it's a hard job and one never knows what one might encounter on any given day. Whatever it is, from the death of a patient to a smack in the face, pretty much anything is possible.

Nursing is one profession that offers an amazing array of varying areas in which one can work. I chose to work mainly in End of Life care, that's simply the area that gives me the most satisfaction. I could never work with children because I would just cry all day and that wouldn't help anyone. One area of nursing that I would doubt many nurses would even consider is Institutional Nursing.

I mean, of course, nurses who work in a jail, prison or other such lock up. I can respect the decision to choose that area of nursing but I certainly do not understand the attraction. That's OK, I don't have to. Many others do choose to work in such settings and all I can say is God bless 'em.

But somewhere between the feeling of "I want to devote my life to caring for other human beings." that leads one to study nursing and actually securing a job in a jail, something seems to happen that turns a nurse into something that violates most standards taught in nursing school.

Ask any nurse what his or her job is and they should tell you that they are, first and foremost, a patient advocate. Those aren't my words, that concept is inculcated into our psyche from day one of our training. We advocate for our patients even when it means refusal to carry out a doctor's order if we know it will harm our patient. Of course you let the doctor know what's going on, but nevertheless, we must advocate for our patient.

When I arrived at jail the other day, I was given a rather large pile of papers stapled together with the "rules" that were to be followed. Included in that stack of papers were a few rights that inmates were entitled to and one of those rights was medical care. The policy given to me promised "emergency health care" and "continuation of care for any chronic conditions".

First, let me whine a bit about my own experience...I recently had brain surgery and as a result, it's very important that I take blood thinners so as not to develop a clot around my new cerebral equipment which could kill me or leave me with devastating neurological deficits. In addition, I have a host of other less acute problems including a heart condition, a history of seizures and as of last week, an acute abscess in my left thigh that was obtained while I was actually IN the hospital.

I made no secret of any of my medical conditions and, contrary to any other opinions, I do NOT want my life to end at this point. I have a grandson due next month and other little people who call me Grandma whom I love dearly and I'm just selfish enough to want to spend more time with them in my life. But, I am NOT selfish enough to put my own children, my father and anyone else who cares about me through the pain of losing a loved one.

I'm not a regular at facilities that detain human beings so obviously I'm not familiar with any of the "ways" in which they operate. But, I do know that when I get extremely upset, I vomit violently and my heart begins to pound in my chest to the point that I'm quite frightened. As being detained is rather upsetting, I vomited continuously while I was detained, even though I was NOT making any deposits to my gastro-intestinal system. Spit wouldn't stay down, I wouldn't even consider tempting fate by partaking of the substances served to me through a slot in my cell door. Water wasn't even an option because it, too, would make me wretch. My lack of intake did not stop my body from trying to purge itself of any and all upsetting entities. I occasionally accumulated enough spit and bile to throw up but more often than not, I was simply having dry heaves over the stainless steel bowl of filth which was my "bathroom". I knew I was quickly becoming dehydrated.

One of the most upsetting aspects of that experience was that I was not given my seizure meds, my heart meds or my blood pressure meds. I could do without most of the meds that I take for a while, but those three and the anti-biotic for the abscess were imperative. I don't know how many deputies and nurses I reported this to but I assure you, I informed over 10 people that I was in need of my heart medication as my chest tightened and my breathing became labored. Saturday morning I was finally given the important medications that I needed and I began to feel much, much better. But, I had been detained since Thursday and between my entry and my exit, I can honestly say that I was in great discomfort and at risk for seriously negative health events.

Enough about me. Jail isn't as quiet as is, say, a library. There are all sorts of noises, from doors slamming to deputies cutting up in the hallways. But the most persistent of all sounds are the screaming of certain other inmates.

Thursday night I began hearing a man I eventually nicknamed Tarzan because of the primal screams he was emitting consistently. I asked a deputy, "What's wrong with that guy?" One smart ass deputy who had overheard my question answered, "He just won the lottery." The deputy to whom I had addressed the question said, "He's crazy, he doesn't even know where he is."

Also, there was a woman who I believe was next door to me. I could be wrong, but she certainly sounded close. She hollered for hours at a time, mostly paranoid ranting and foul mouthed threats. I know enough about mental health to recognize psychosis when I see it. That woman was absolutely psychotic as I assume was Tarzan. I nicknamed the woman J-Lo.

Society requires jails, I know that. But in a civilized society, jails should be reserved for those who break laws willingly. Neither Tarzan nor J-Lo had the ability to perform a willful act of any sort. They belonged in a locked up facility, but not a jail. Some sort of medical facility would have been appropriate.

Not only did the nurses not seem to address any pressing issues, they ignored those issues with an unbelievably rude and uncaring manner. You might say, "They're used to dealing with mean criminals." Well, I'm used to dealing with kind patients. But, I certainly have come across my share of nasty human beings requiring my attention and I treat them with no less concern than I do the more ordinary patients. As with most aspects of life, I deal with patients on a case by case basis which is, by definition, a part of professionalism.

I don't know what lead those unpleasant people to apply for a job at a jail. Most nurses are drawn to a patient population that they enjoy. These nurses were obviously quite contemptuous of their own charges and that rendered them absolutely incapable of performing their main job as a "patient advocate." They were uneducated and inexperienced at best and simply hateful at worse. They do not deserve the title of NURSE and they are most assuredly the pond scum of the profession.

To the medical "staff" at DuPage County Jail in Wheaton Illinois, I offer you a finger on which to place the oxygen monitor, I'm sure you know which finger to which I refer.

Another first for the American Presidency

2011-01-23T04:19:00.000-08:00

I guess once he went black, he had to go back. But on a serious note, I heard the President's speech where he discussed his new goals for creating jobs in America. I applaud his efforts and appreciate his list of strategies but I made note of one glaring omission from his list, that would be a plan to attack this problem...even if it means listening to those of differing ideologies. Good luck with that Slick.

Well, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you might have noticed how, at times, my life reads like a bad country music song. My husband cheated, my dog died and once again, with no warning or inkling that it was a possibility, I found myself a guest at the local county lock up.

Now, before you ask, "What did she do this time?", let me explain. Twenty years ago I was in Illinois and I obtained a few traffic tickets. I was an unpleasant person at the time (compared to the sweetheart you know and love today) and I guess I was what you would call a "bad girl". When it came time to return to Virginia (where I lived at the time), I was hesitant to leave because of my pending court date.

Now, I do NOT tell this story to place blame anywhere but squarely on my own shoulders, this is simply what happened. My father was happy to see me go, of course, as I said, I wasn't the most pleasant house guest in the world. So, when I told him that I couldn't leave, he told me that he would handle the court problems for me.

Now, in retrospect, as I was sitting in my cell, I realized for the first time in TWENTY YEARS that he couldn't have done anything short of bribery and my dad is a law abiding citizen. My only explanation is that he IS my father, he IS an attorney and I WANTED to go home to my kids. So, I took his words and literally ran with them. Then, a few years later when I was coming to Illinois for a friend's wedding, I asked my dad again, "Am I OK to enter the state?" He assured me that he had checked me for warrants and that there were none. Since then, I've been coming and going to Illinois like I owned the place, assured of my cleared record.

If for one moment I thought that there were warrants for my arrest, I would have planned for bond and turned myself in on my own terms to clear the matter once and for all. Instead, I've been traipsing ignorantly around the Chicago suburbs, unaware of my Wanted status. I've enjoyed the company of police officers and spoken to the "guys on our beat", whom I know by name. Not once did anyone question my law abiding status.

So, Thursday morning, I laid in bed thinking about how I couldn't get my life back due to one disaster or another...usually health related. I had brain surgery around Christmas during which Dr. Mazumdar nicked an artery leading to an internal hemorrhage that left me quite ill and the recipient of 3 blood transfusions. Anyway, I was feeling rather down, depressed and useless. All I wanted to do was take 2 more of my xanax and go back to sleep.

Instead, I got out of bed and woke up my friend and spilled my guts to her, it was a regular friend pity session, complete with hugs and tears. Later on that day, I felt much better when all of a sudden I received an unexpected call from Dr. Mazumdar who was checking on my progress. I made the insane mistake of being totally honest with him and his response was to send the police to take me to the ER for a "discussion". The discussion lasted about 30 minutes and resulted in me being handed a brochure of local help-centers. Now all I needed was a ride home.

When a cop car pulled up at the ER door, I smiled, thinking they were going to be nice enough to give me a ride home. That was my last pleasant thought for a while.

"Are you my ride home?", I asked the officer. He responded, "No ma'am, I have a warrant for your arrest on a traffic charge from 1991." Once again, life began to get interesting as I stood there, stunned. I KNEW it had to be a mistake but I soon learned that it was not. Nothing had been done to address those twenty year old charges and in addition to the traffic tickets, I also had a Failure To Appear to which I had to answer.

I had my explanation, but as I said, when I thought about it Thursday night, I realized how stupid I had been in thinking that anyone but myself could have resolved the issue. Funny, in the past 20 years, it never occurred to me until that moment how ridiculous my logic was. Nevertheless, that's how I got to jail Thursday night.

Friday morning I had 2 court dates, one for the Failure To Appear and another in traffic court. I was lead to the 18th Circuit Court of DuPage County for the FTA warrant first. Soon after I arrived, I was taken in front of the judge, handcuffed to a wheelchair due to health reasons. She quickly and unceremoniously looked at me and said, "This case is dismissed."

Stunned once again, I said, "Excuse me?" to which she repeated herself, "The case is dismissed." I was fuzzy headed but I kinda assumed gratitude was in order so I thanked Her Honor and was rolled into traffic court, still quite emotional and drained, physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

There I met the Public Defender who said to me, "This is a traffic charge from 1991, I'm taking it to trial." She didn't ask me for my side or any questions related to the charge itself. When she and I went before the Judge, she simply said, "Your Honor, we're pleading Not Guilty and we want a jury trial."

His Honor laughed and said, "This is the oldest case on the books so you two figure out a date for trial." The prosecutor and my attorney decided on March 14th, so I have a new court date.

I called my father to ask him why the attorney would be so confident in my chances for an acquittal and he said he couldn't know without seeing the file. But he DID say that it was insane to press charges for the ticket after saying, "We don't mind that you never came to court for this charge." Whatever.

I have to call the attorney to find out her thoughts and then I'll have a better grasp on the situation, but that's it for now.

Because of Dr. Mazumdar's original complaint, I was kept in a 6X6 foot cell with a door that had a window and a slot for meals, like I usually see on TV. I didn't receive my medications until yesterday morning so I spent a lot of time trying to remain calm so that I didn't stroke out again or have a heart attack. It probably would have been easier if I weren't so claustrophobic.

While you're in jail, you know nothing of the attempts to get you out. I knew that my friend was prepared to do it Thursday night but they moved me from one jail to another while she was pulling into the parking lot...too late to bond me out.

Friday, the weather kept her from making the lengthy drive but I didn't know that. I had no idea why I was still alone in a box. By Saturday morning, I asked if there was a "hold" on me from some other local agency that I might have slighted and then forgotten about. The deputy said that there wasn't so I knew all that was keeping me there was a $300 bond...which started at $1,100 but was lowered after 2 of the charges were dismissed. It was now just a matter of time before I would be free.

As I said, Saturday morning, they finally gave me most of my meds so I was feeling much better. I knew my friend (Kelly, by the way) is afraid to drive in any sort off weather but I had no clue what the conditions were like outside. I began to worry that she wouldn't come get me out before the Bears game today. But some time around 2 PM yesterday, the deputy opened my sliding metal door and told me that I had made bond.

I didn't sleep the ENTIRE time I was in custody, mainly because of my fear of death, but the fact that I was in a cell with a 6 million watt fluorescent light didn't help matters. BTW, I didn't eat ANY of the county's fine cuisine...I felt too badly. But, I did notice that each and every unidentifiable meal, whether they be breakfast, lunch or dinner, smelled exactly the same. That truly had me perplexed and, for the second time in my life, absolutely terrified of food.

Well, I got home, took my medicine, including a sleeping pill and (after I called concerned family members) I went to bed and slept until 5 AM when I woke up and watched 2 episodes of Lock Up. There's nothing they can show on TV that allows you to feel the feeling that one feels when they are locked up, just trust me...it blows.

As I've told you this story, the sun has come up and it's a special day in Chicago. We'll be having friends over to watch the Bears game so I have to go bathe the jail residual off of me and put on some of my own clothes. I'll go now but before I do, let me say this...To the nit wit nurse at DuPage County Jail who was walking around the jail wearing her Green Bay paraphernalia in the midst of some pent up, angry Bears fans, good luck. Not for the game, but for yourself should things go badly for you. One more thing, take a bath, you smell like an ash tray.

2011-01-18T09:15:00.000-08:00

It's that time again...

...when the government sets us up for a huge math problem that they can answer themselves. They call it a tax return but rarely do they actually return anything.

They purposely send you a large workbook written in a language that can't be understood by most and then they have an answer sheet that you need to fill out. And THEN, you have to swear to your answer, under penalty of perjury. I'm not sure what that penalty is but it can't be good.

No matter how much money we send the government, they still can't seem to teach our kids math and then they threaten to penalize us for not being able to answer their stupid math questions. Seems like a sting operation to me.

Every year I fill out their silly form and send it to them and then they send it back telling me that I made a math error, I forgot a W-2 form or some such silliness. If they knew that crap in the first place, why did they ask me to do it? I'm fed up with those idiots.

2011-01-15T02:49:00.000-08:00

If life were fair...

...I would have been treated with the utmost of care while I was in the hospital. I've been giving loving care to my patients for more decades than I care to admit. As a teenager and a Nursing Assistant (Before they had CNA's), I was mature enough to realize that my patients were someones parents, children or siblings. Somebody loved them like I love my family and I treated them as I would want to be treated if I were the patient. Also, I enjoyed my work. I truly LIKED my patients, even when they were difficult...I love a challenge. It's the rare difficult patient that can't be calmed by a kind word and a gentle touch.

Last month the tables were turned and I was the patient. While most of the nursing staff performed somewhere between adequate and superb, there were a few of them who should have worked in the Operating Room with sleeping patients, never with awake, ill people.

As I said, I had another bleed and since I couldn't sleep, they gave me a hideous drug called Lunesta. You may have seen the butterflies in the Lunesta commercial...I think vultures would have been more appropriate. It made me loopy and agitated, (I asked a nurse for a print out of the drug and read those side effects. I couldn't hold still, I certainly couldn't stay in my small hospital room. I was claustrophobic and scared. I didn't know where to go but I knew I had to go somewhere beside the little hospital room. As a nurse, I would have taken such a patient and sat them right outside the nurses station so that they would feel less frightened and I could keep an eye on them.

I received no such patience the staff at Central DuPage Hospital on floor 5 Center on that Friday night.

First, as I was trying to walk around the unit in the middle of the night, a large, large man who didn't talk to me at all, he simply blocked my way wherever I went.He looked like he was going to chest bump me and he was so close to me a that I could see the hate in his eyes. He was a Patient Care Tech named Harold and I have a feeling he was racist, I doubt he would have had the same hate in his eyes for a black woman that he shot at me. His posture and the look on his face was ABSOLUTELY one that said, "You're confused, you can't tell anyone and if you did, no one would believe you anyway. I was more afraid of him than I was of the brain surgery I was about to undergo. If I met him a in dark alley, I would run like Forrest Gump.

Another staff member found me in the same state, claustrophobic and afraid. Instead of using kindness (or at least xanax) to calm me dow she too, blocked my way and wouldn't let me walk away from the room that was scaring me. When I told her that I was afraid of my room, she simply responded, "There's no place else for you to go." She wasn't saying it with kindess...something you come to expect from "Angels of Mercy". For years nurses have been sitting confused, agitated and frightened patients outside the nurses station yet neither one of these had the kindness in their heart to offer me that option. She could have even offered to help me walk around the unit, it was the middle of the night and not a whole lot was going on.

I know that doctors and nurses make the worst patients but there's a good reason for that...we see what the staff is doing wrong. I figured out that my behavior was due to the Lunesta, not one of those nit wits even considered it.

At the beginning of every shift, a nurse is supposed to do a full body assessment on each patient and then enter the results in a computer. It's not tough considering the COW (computer on wheels) is rolled right into the patients room. I was at that hospital for 3 weeks and maybe 4 nurses did the assessment on me. I know the tricks they use, they simply enter the same findings that the nurse before them had entered. When I was working, I would find an irregular heartbeat during my assessment that was never mentioned in ANY other nurses assessment. I knew enough to go and read the Doctors' notes where I would usually find out that the arrhythmia was normal for that patient. But shame on the nurses who didn't do their own assessments!!! How would they know if a sore or an infection began on their shift or the last shift? How would they even know there WAS a pressure sore on the patients backside?

I have a habit of writing things down and even in my agitated state, I continued to do so. I had forgotten about Harold's emotional abuse until I read my notes. Luckily, I came around after some blood transfusion and the surgery, but Harold and that skank who wouldn't let me out of my room must not have thought that I would. That makes me wonder what they do to people who are totally out of it. I've fired people for abusing patients, some of the abusers would be the last ones you would have ever expected, and I've done it with gusto. The idea of abusing patients is foreign to me and I would never have thought that I would fall victim to it myself, I don't know why I didn't, I guess I thought nurses would treat one of their own extra special nice.

But, a nurse who is a patient is no longer a nurse, she is a patient and as I've said a thousand times, "The squeaky wheel gets the oil." People seem to think that if they're kind to the nurses, the nurses will be kind to their loved ones. It doesn't work that way. If you want to ensure good care for your loved one, bitch, whine and complain like the family member from hell. Think about it, if you had 2 patients to care for and they both needed pain medicine, which one would you medicate first? The one whose family never shows up or never complains, or would you want to be sure you made the patient with the demanding family comfortable first?

More to come on this subject and on the emails from hell.

Link to cute joke

2011-01-13T10:04:00.000-08:00

http://karins-korner.blogspot.com/2009/05/parish-priest-went-on-fishing-trip.html

Abby's Antics

2011-01-13T04:06:00.000-08:00

I can't reach the bologna!!!

There aren't any holes in these socks...I'll fix that for you.

MY TOY!

You can grab my collar all you want, it's still MY TOY!

My dream is to be a circus dog.

I'll sit in snow, but not for more than 3 seconds. LET ME IN!