You know...

....I just realized that it’s Saturday afternoon and I was thinking to myself how nice it would be to just have a quiet evening at home. That’s quite a leap from sitting here crying by myself from the pain of the loneliness now, isn’t it? I would LOVE to have an evening alone. It seems like yesterday that I was so sad and pitiful, just constantly in pain from the actions of a social misfit that couldn’t hold up his own end of a conversation any deeper than, “So, you like Jean-Claude Van Dam too?”

It seems easy to imagine enjoying living life alone now rather than fearing it more than anything. I never HAVE to be alone, I have friends that I could call if I wanted to go out and do something, but I always CAN be alone just by being home. Ooh, the phone is ringing...man, I hate computers that call your house and then ask you to sit there like an idiot and wait for a human. I think that we should all boycott telephones computers and telephone mazes. When I call someplace and get a machine, I refuse to push any buttons. I just sit there and wait for a person. There is an occasional machine that will eventually hang up on you but if you wait long enough, you will get a person...UNLESS you push a button. I don’t even tell them what language I speak...I just act like I am calling from a rotary phone. And sometimes, I am. I bought one last year at an antique shop and I love it. It’s the only phone that works when the power goes out. But, I digress.

I am very pleased that I was contemplating the positive side of being alone. When I was so sick last year, I actually had the first restraining order modified so that Vex could come home and take care of me. That’s one of the things he got me to do by telling me that he loved me. After he was arrested, he got a room in one of those extended stay motels and had me come visit him there. He said he was afraid to come home until the restraining order was changed and if I wanted to see him I had to go there. One night I found that he had the telephone cord out of the phone. I guess he knew there was no way to explain up a phone call to his motel room to his wife. The lady who lived in the room next to his stared every time I came in. I guess it was because she was amazed that this creepy bald dude could get so many women to come to his motel room. Of course, she could have been one of them herself, who knows.

But I was actually SAD that this hideous excuse for a man was screwing someone else. It’s amazing what we will settle for, isn’t it? I wouldn’t have been so stupid if I wasn’t so sick and didn’t need things like food and medication. But, I still would have been sad. When you are not being manipulated and lied to, you see things so much more clearly.

So, anyway, I am so pleased that he is someone else’s problem, I hope she is happy with her decision. Actually, I am sure she is. People have to lie to themselves to cover up the reality that is so hard to face. I know, I did it for years. If you think about it for a minute, it’s obvious to anyone that he lied to his mistress. I’m sure he didn’t tell her, “You know, my wife will be at my room tonight so don’t call me, I’ll call you.” If he had been telling her the truth, there would have been no need to take the cord out of the phone. I find great satisfaction in the fact that he is lying to someone else instead of me. That's what you get...I juat giggled the most sinister giggle that you ever heard. I wish I had it on tape.

Now, I am going to go and rent a movie to sit back and watch it peacefully. Have a good afternoon!

Meg