Dear Meg


Yes, willing student in Tennessee, I DID say I would tell you how to tell the difference between what a woman says and what she means. (Whew, that was a long sentence and I am typing with a broken finger. It’s a good thing I was drinking or it would have hurt more when it happened. I am going to have to be very economical with my verbiage as typing is going to be either painful or slow and I have chosen painful. ) As I sit here at my computer I grasp the enormity of the task at hand, not because of the broken finger but because we communicate in so many different ways, we being women. We speak so many hidden languages that it doesn’t matter what I say, men are pretty well screwed from the get go. But, every so often, one of them takes the time to actually RUMINATE on his perilous task at hand.
And, you, willing student have taken the time to INQUIRE, so I shall do my best to elucidate.
First of all, we will give you time to figure out what we mean or that we are about to become mean. Different women allow differing periods of time so you will have to pay attention to your particular woman’s stewing cycle. You literally have to time her once she starts pouting. Pouting can be very subtle at the beginning. Perhaps she is just not as affectionate as usual. That might take a moment to pick up on. If you have waited until she has stopped speaking, you have waited a little bit too long. But you should make a mental note of it for the next time, remember, this is a learning process. You know her best so just start paying attention to her demeanor. You can begin by doing it for short periods of time but like a well developed bicep, it takes work. Anyway, once you pay attention for a while, you will be better able to detect these subtle changes.
When we are upset, we want you to know it but we don’t want to be bitches and nag you. We want you to notice that we are dismayed and inquire. So, the subtle little changes would be well addressed with the statement, “You know honey, I love you.” Follow that up with this question, “Is anything bothering you?”
You may have to ask a couple of times, remember, we don’t want to be perceived as nagging. I know it doesn’t make any sense, just take my word for it
Now, when we want to cuddle, we will. But...we love it if you initiate the cuddling. Many times, this is at the route of the problem and can be a quick fix.
When we say, “What are you thinking?”, you always say, “Nothing.” I believe Rick can do it but I tried it once and scared the hell out of my self. I was afraid my brain would stop and never start again. So, you may THINK you are thinking about nothing when you were thinking about the fact that there was a lint ball on the carpet. Well, say so. “What are you thinking” means talk to me. It doesn’t have to be anything in particular, just pick a topic. One thing will lead to another and then two people will be thinking and talking. I’ve missed that since I married Rick.
Never assume we are kidding but be ready to laugh as though we were. Sometimes we say stupid things and then when we can’t take it back we just pretend it was a joke. Now, no matter how bad what we said was, we have already figured out the error of our ways and are trying to escape gracefully. Let it go. Always remember, choose your battles VERY CAUTIOUSLY.
And then you will have to pay attention to the whole hormonal rhythm thing. PMS IS REAL AND IT IS DASTARDLY. It was years before I finally put together the relationship between tampons and the fact that, right before I needed them, I would actively pursue arguments. When this would happen, all logic and reasoning would go out the window. I had a total hysterectomy a few years ago and began thinking clearly almost immediately. But before that, my head was pretty fuzzy at times. Whatever we say and whatever you do it really won’t matter but I can offer you one piece of advice, NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES verbally acknowledge the possibilty that we are suffering from PMS or that the topic at hand is somehow related. Don’t be condescending but be very kind and attentive. It is a mighy tight rope so I can’t say that I don’t feel for you.
The important thing is that you be alert and on guard at all times. You will learn to read the different languages yourself. It takes years and much effort but it is truly worth it. Telling you how to read someone is not terribly easy because we are all so different. Like any other language, you have to study it. Believe it or not, if you do, you will learn to understand it if not speak it.
Now, if you have a specific situation or signal that you can’t seem to read, let me know. I will help you out.

Coming this weekend: I am going to explain fights and how to end one in the early phases.