I was showing my daughter...
...some clothes and she told me that these little dresses that I had were really shirts. Thank God I never wore them out. When I bought them, I thought that they were dresses like the sizzler’s that we used to wear in the 70’s. After I did, I never had the nerve to wear such a short dress so the tags are still on them. I thought maybe my daughter could use them so I gave them to her and she said that you wear them with jeans. Well, if I had known that, I would have worn them last summer. Also, they're strapless and I didn't buy a strapless bra. All in all, I wish I had the money for them, I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought them.
She’s taking a shower and then I will so I thought I’d pop in and say something before she gets out. I didn’t have anything in particular that I wanted to say, but I had a moment so here I am. My oldest has gone to get the little kids so I won’t have many more peaceful moments this weekend. That’s OK, I’ve had plenty of them lately.
You know, I think I’m getting used to this living alone crap. I wasn’t really looking when that happened so I’m not sure how long it’s been but I'm OK with it now. The last time I paid attention, I was a bit annoyed at being in a place that I hadn’t planned on being at all. My plan had me married for the rest of my life but that plan got blown out of the water.
A year ago, I was pacing the floors of my house, literally. I would walk around this house and wring my hands wondering what in the hell I was supposed to do with myself. I went out on an occasional date and I maintained a few friendships, but my life had pretty much been pulled out from under me and I didn’t know what to do. I was always scared and I cried every single day. Maybe only once, maybe a lot more...but I was crying everyday.
I still occasionally get sad and think about what a waste it’s all been. I imagine that I will stop and think about this gloomy period for the rest of my life. But hopefully, I won’t do it often. I really cannot imagine how things could have been worse. I don’t want to find out, that was pretty bad. Damn, I’m glad it’s over. I wouldn’t want to go through that any more than once in a lifetime. You know, I can handle pretty much anything and being sick was the least of my problems. The worst thing that I went through was the fear of the unknown lie that was between Rick and I. The fear of the unknown is the worst fear of them all. You don’t know what it is you’re fighting so you can’t really ever get a grip on that fear. At least with an illness, you know what you’re up against and you can have a strategy to work on. When you’re being lied to, you haven’t a clue what you’re up against. You aren’t even sure if there IS an enemy or if you are a little bit insane. That just makes it worse as I found when I was sitting in a psychiatrists’ office, discussing my “trust issues”.
“You’re doing it to yourself.”
Yeah. I was doing it to myself. How could anybody wish this special brand of hell on any other person? I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine who I would cast that dreadful feeling upon. Yet it was cast upon me like a knife is rammed into a chest. Damn...that sucked. I will be making some somber efforts to avoid seeing that situation recur.
Anyway, I’m pretty much over it. I still look back and say...”DAMN! I sure didn’t see THAT coming.” But that’s OK, at least I see what happened. I never would have seen that much if Rick had stayed here. I would have wanted to go on believing him. It was easier to believe that I was insane and that my husband wasn’t screwing another woman. It’s so much easier to see things the way they are without the constant barrage of lies that came with being married. A person doesn’t tell lies for decades unless it really, really works well for them. And there’s no better sucker than a woman in love.
Lies hurt more than people can possibly know. My Grandmother used to say that she hated liars the most because you couldn’t put them in prison. She said that a thief would eventually get caught and get locked up but liars are free to do their damage all of their lives. And they do quite a bit of it along the way.
Rick knew that he was leaving the morning of the 10th. And yet, he said what he needed to say to get me to sleep with him on the evening of the 9th. Some men use a knife, some use words. But...I would have never slept with that man if I had known that he would be moving out within a few hours. But he knew it and so did his family that was staying at my house. They planned it all behind my back and let me cater the strategy meetings...while I was recovering from surgery that the doctors said would take 6-12 months to recover from...the parathyroid thing. How stupid am I?
Oh well, like I said, I’m pretty much over that crap. And, the courts will put their blessing on that thought very soon.
My daughter is going to meet a friend at that Marietta Diner and she's going to bring me home one of their desserts! I told her to get me the mousse in the shape of a Christmas tree or the chocolate cream pie.
Damn, that is some good pie. I don’t even LIKE chocolate cream pie but they put some special stuff in there. I don’t mean meat loaf special, I mean some damn good special stuff.
It’s my turn to take a shower!
Meg
...some clothes and she told me that these little dresses that I had were really shirts. Thank God I never wore them out. When I bought them, I thought that they were dresses like the sizzler’s that we used to wear in the 70’s. After I did, I never had the nerve to wear such a short dress so the tags are still on them. I thought maybe my daughter could use them so I gave them to her and she said that you wear them with jeans. Well, if I had known that, I would have worn them last summer. Also, they're strapless and I didn't buy a strapless bra. All in all, I wish I had the money for them, I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought them.
She’s taking a shower and then I will so I thought I’d pop in and say something before she gets out. I didn’t have anything in particular that I wanted to say, but I had a moment so here I am. My oldest has gone to get the little kids so I won’t have many more peaceful moments this weekend. That’s OK, I’ve had plenty of them lately.
You know, I think I’m getting used to this living alone crap. I wasn’t really looking when that happened so I’m not sure how long it’s been but I'm OK with it now. The last time I paid attention, I was a bit annoyed at being in a place that I hadn’t planned on being at all. My plan had me married for the rest of my life but that plan got blown out of the water.
A year ago, I was pacing the floors of my house, literally. I would walk around this house and wring my hands wondering what in the hell I was supposed to do with myself. I went out on an occasional date and I maintained a few friendships, but my life had pretty much been pulled out from under me and I didn’t know what to do. I was always scared and I cried every single day. Maybe only once, maybe a lot more...but I was crying everyday.
I still occasionally get sad and think about what a waste it’s all been. I imagine that I will stop and think about this gloomy period for the rest of my life. But hopefully, I won’t do it often. I really cannot imagine how things could have been worse. I don’t want to find out, that was pretty bad. Damn, I’m glad it’s over. I wouldn’t want to go through that any more than once in a lifetime. You know, I can handle pretty much anything and being sick was the least of my problems. The worst thing that I went through was the fear of the unknown lie that was between Rick and I. The fear of the unknown is the worst fear of them all. You don’t know what it is you’re fighting so you can’t really ever get a grip on that fear. At least with an illness, you know what you’re up against and you can have a strategy to work on. When you’re being lied to, you haven’t a clue what you’re up against. You aren’t even sure if there IS an enemy or if you are a little bit insane. That just makes it worse as I found when I was sitting in a psychiatrists’ office, discussing my “trust issues”.
“You’re doing it to yourself.”
Yeah. I was doing it to myself. How could anybody wish this special brand of hell on any other person? I wouldn’t. I can’t imagine who I would cast that dreadful feeling upon. Yet it was cast upon me like a knife is rammed into a chest. Damn...that sucked. I will be making some somber efforts to avoid seeing that situation recur.
Anyway, I’m pretty much over it. I still look back and say...”DAMN! I sure didn’t see THAT coming.” But that’s OK, at least I see what happened. I never would have seen that much if Rick had stayed here. I would have wanted to go on believing him. It was easier to believe that I was insane and that my husband wasn’t screwing another woman. It’s so much easier to see things the way they are without the constant barrage of lies that came with being married. A person doesn’t tell lies for decades unless it really, really works well for them. And there’s no better sucker than a woman in love.
Lies hurt more than people can possibly know. My Grandmother used to say that she hated liars the most because you couldn’t put them in prison. She said that a thief would eventually get caught and get locked up but liars are free to do their damage all of their lives. And they do quite a bit of it along the way.
Rick knew that he was leaving the morning of the 10th. And yet, he said what he needed to say to get me to sleep with him on the evening of the 9th. Some men use a knife, some use words. But...I would have never slept with that man if I had known that he would be moving out within a few hours. But he knew it and so did his family that was staying at my house. They planned it all behind my back and let me cater the strategy meetings...while I was recovering from surgery that the doctors said would take 6-12 months to recover from...the parathyroid thing. How stupid am I?
Oh well, like I said, I’m pretty much over that crap. And, the courts will put their blessing on that thought very soon.
My daughter is going to meet a friend at that Marietta Diner and she's going to bring me home one of their desserts! I told her to get me the mousse in the shape of a Christmas tree or the chocolate cream pie.
Damn, that is some good pie. I don’t even LIKE chocolate cream pie but they put some special stuff in there. I don’t mean meat loaf special, I mean some damn good special stuff.
It’s my turn to take a shower!
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 8:47 AM
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