A Redneck Apology

Uh oh...


"...If you think that all Rednecks are illiterate, tattooed slobs”who cling bitterly to their guns and religion” I’d have to disagree. I consider myself a Redneck and I hold a Graduate degree, I have all my teeth, no tattoos, I don’t hit women and I don’t have a still in my backyard..."

Well ain't that a fine, "How do you do?"

It never occurred to me that I would offend anyone while describing my Saturday evening dating disaster. No one ever complains when I write about assholes so I felt safe in telling you all...or ya'll...about my most recent encounter with a member of the opposite sex. Now I feel terrible.

You know, I really shouldn't feel too badly because it appears as though this particular redneck and I have different ideas as to exactly what a redneck is. The attributes that he ascribes to himself are pretty much a description of an anti-redneck but I'm sure he knows better than I do whether or not he's a redneck.

So, say I accept this guy as a redneck...even a redneck would have to admit that there are differing shades of redness of necks. And the rednecks that I was witness to this past weekend were frightening rednecks...I don't care what anyone thinks about that. It's simply a fact...those suckers FRIGHTENED me and that makes them frightening rednecks.

It's not as though I have no redneck experience, I DID live in Roanoke, Virginia for a long time and trust me, I had my share of interpersonal experience with rednecks. I do believe that a few of my Virginia cousins would qualify as rednecks...and, like the rednecks that I saw Saturday, they would be proud of their redneck heritage. Redneck is not necessarily a bad thing. I've met some really cool rednecks in my day and if you find a pretty one, you could have some serious fun for a week or two. But, as all Catholic priests are not as sweet as you would like to see them be...not all rednecks are good either. And, I must say, I have met enough rednecks to feel quite comfortable in my assessment of the situation.

I'd be lying if I said I never bedded a redneck...it's been decades but I've done it. I had fun, like I said. He was a pretty boy redneck and those guys are like the Disneyland of men. You wouldn't want to spend your life there...but it sure can make for a fun filled month or so.

So, Redneck Dude, I swear, I meant no disrespect. It's not that I don't like rednecks, not at all. I find most of them to be open, honest and fun sorts of peeps. But I assure you...those escapees from the local boot camp were not the kind of redneck that they have in most of the country. These were new and improved rednecks. I've seen rednecks from Illinois to Georgia and from California to New Jersey...I have more than adequate redneck experience. A woman doesn't get as good at shooting pool as I am without associating with a SHITLOAD of good ol' boys, rednecks and ex-convicts.

And since when don't rednecks dis each other? It seems to me that Virginia rednecks made fun of West Virginia rednecks and Chicago rednecks (yes, they have some there too!) made fun of the Wisconsin rednecks and right here in Georgia the local rednecks make fun of the Alabama boys. So, to the other point you mention:

"...I know you were having a bit of fun there and that’s OK just so long as we Rednecks can also use stereotypes to describe those diverse folks around us..."

...just let me say this. Of course you can say what you want to say. That's the beauty of America. I realize that a lot of people find honesty offensive but it is what it is. I'm not here to hurt feelings, I'm here to talk about crazy stuff that happens to me. I am a brutally honest person and I can't change that. I don't think I'd even want to. Perhaps I'm honest to a fault. Whatever...it's all good and I'm just sitting back enjoying myself.

I'll probably keep doing that so I hope I don't offend anyone else...but I'm pretty fucking sure that eventually, I will.