I was wandering aimlessly around the Internet this morning and I read a pretty good story about a 75 year old woman who shot her sleeping husband in the face. In her defense I should tell you that she did apologize “for shooting him, but (she was) relieved he was gone.” I hear ya soul sister, sometimes all you have is yourself and a 357 Magnum, what else could the poor woman have done? But, I do have to say that while I understand some of what she did, most of it was just poorly handled.

The problem with the lady’s plan was that she didn’t really have one. This is why you should never kill people in the heat of the moment. She did it all wrong. First of all, “Myrtle Walker told police she aimed at her husband’s head, but did not know where she shot him because the bedroom light was off.” People, if it must be said, turn on a light before you aim the pistol. You might be able to get away with shooting in the dark if you have a 12 gauge shotgun, but not a hand gun. You just can’t be shooting into the dark at a sleeping husband with a pistol because he could wake up annoyed from the bullet that grazed his head and get lucky enough to wrestle it away and turn it on you. So, use a bit of common sense, it doesn’t take long to shoot a sleeping man, anyone can flip on a light for a few seconds.

Apparently she did graze him with the first shot because when he moved, she had to shoot him two more times. Now, that was just unnecessary and a waste of ammo. See, a light would have prevented that. Now she has to explain why she was at her “wit’s end” over his “mental abuse” to the extent that she had to pump numerous bullets into his body to assure that the SOB never moved again. One shot is always easier to explain. No need to go into overkill.

Then, she tossed the gun on the bed with the body and went to make a phone call. That’s too much like Jamie Leigh Curtis when she puts the knife down in Halloween. Has this woman never seen a slasher movie? They all come back to life SO…no matter how dead a man might LOOK, you should never leave the deadly weapon with him. That’s just pure folly and women that stupid almost deserve to be shot.

Oh, and the phone call…that was NOT at all the way I would have played that one. She called her daughter and had the poor kid come over. Call me kookie, but I wouldn’t invite a kid over to see her dead father and homicidal mother. You have no idea how they’ll react. You may THINK that you called the right kid but things like murder seem to bring out increased sensitivity amongst people. This sort of thing could blow up in your face so I certainly would have visited my daughter, but I wouldn’t have made her a witness in my case. I would have just gone to her house, had coffee and cheese danish and then I would have kissed her on the cheek and walked away. There’s no reason to create anymore negative memories than is absolutely necessary. Any good mother will tell you that you should ALWAYS consider the kid’s feelings.

I would have just let the cops tell my kids because I can’t really think of a way to make “I shot your father dead.” sound conversational and I sure as hell don’t know how to buffer that sentence so that it isn’t so caustic. I’m pretty much a straight talker and I try to use my words economically so I would probably say it just like that, “I shot your father dead.” I suppose you could say it like that if you put one hand on the kid’s shoulder and look down as you say it, but even so, you should be prepared for some sort of reaction at this point. As I said, this is really a task better left to the authorities.

Once the daughter arrived at the scene of the crime, she pretty much had to call the cops or risk going to prison herself. That left no time for Myrtle to mess with the cops. I would have taken the body and turned it over and spun it around so that those forensic guys couldn’t figure anything out. I’ve always been one to pull a practical joke or two when given the opportunity and this would be a good one. Man, I could really mess with those guys. I’d throw fibers that I had collected from every carpet I had seen in the past month all over the dead guy and the bed, just for kicks.

And finally, if you even THINK you might want to go with an insanity defense, leave the body where it is and go out for the evening. You could sit at a bar, get drunk and tell people that you just shot your husband. If you pick the right bar, there might be a few other women who have done the same thing so you would have some emotional support. Look for bars with a lot of pick up trucks in the parking lot.

Then, play Mack the Knife on the juke box and find someone who can jitterbug. Can you imagine the look on the jury’s face when they say, “She shot her husband and then she JITTERBUGGED!!!”? Not only is that final hurrah before prison one helluva party, it supports the insanity defense. Oh…whenever possible, shoot your husband on a weekend. There will be more people out there to party with. You wouldn’t think that it needed to be said but too many women shoot husbands on Tuesdays and weekdays are just not good for this particular chore. It’s just common sense.

The way I see it, if your hubby doesn’t complain about you going out drinking, there’s no reason not to. Drinking really does help in these situations. How do you think women come up with the idea to stick dead husbands in the freezer? Four Harvey Wallbangers will make you do crazy things. The freezer thing is cool if you want to stay out of jail for as long as possible, but it really isn’t a long term solution. Sooner or later that freezer will have to be moved and now that you’ve shot your husband, the onus to move it pretty much falls right in your lap.

I should mention that it’s NEVER a good idea to drink BEFORE you shoot your hubby. The jury is less tolerant of booze than psychosis. If you save the drinking for afterwards, your attorney will probably thank you for it. Also, it’s a wise, wise woman who has her husband mow the lawn and take out the trash right before she shoots him in the face. And, if you enjoy a prank as much as I do, you’ll want to get rid of the weapon. Bury it under some random rose bush miles away from your house. I don’t know why, but cops always seem to want the murder weapon. You’d think a dead body would be good enough but NOOOO! They want to see the gun that you shot him with! Let ‘em look, they’ll never find that sucker if you dug deeply enough.

Finally, once you actually DO get arrested, there will be some period of time when you will be asked a few questions by the cops. You should have chosen a song to sing to them at this point. Personally, I would look the cop asking the questions right in the eyes and belt out “God Bless America”. You never know, it just might play well if you have a patriotic jury. If you absolutely cannot come up with a song on your own, you could always just go with “I’m Henry the 8th, I am, I am” or “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”.

Remember, there’s no shame in shooting your husband. The shame is in mishandling the entire undertaking. OK that’s pretty much it. I need to go take my prozac now. See ya!