Ordinarily...
...being quoted in New York's Village Voice would be quite a treat. But when Village Voice contributor Roy Edroso quoted me, he also de-sexed me...or is it re-sexed? Cross-sexed? As many do, Edroso assumed that I was a man and he used the pronoun "he" in reference to me...twice...and that's just not right. I happen to be a she...I always have been. I'm not one of those ex-dudes who had their manhood hacked off...I'm an honest to goodness woman, with PMS, a tendency to act coy when I have a flat tire and an absolutely acrimonious attitude to my cheating ex who, if Karma exists, is being bitten by a huge spider on his left testicle as I type this.
Sometimes, I can fool people who aren't paying attention because I drive a car really well, I usually make perfect sense and I rarely, if ever, lose control of myself and go into some female tantrum. Yeah, I'm an odd woman, but a woman nonetheless.
Of course, some things I do will give me away immediately. For example, watch me try to parallel park...like a set of knockers on a chest, my parallel parking is a sure gender giveaway. Also, if a cop pulls me over, I WILL cry. I won't even wait to learn what I allegedly did to earn the personal roadside service...I'll just start the water works before that cop taps on my trunk for whatever it is that cops tap on trunks for.
Also, I LOVE sports...on TV. I have no business around balls, pucks, large wooden sticks or golf stick thingies. I just end up crying, further confirming my female status. But...I know what a touch back is, I can name 8 ways for a batter to get to first base and I know what a power play is. I love football, baseball and hockey. That's not really "he" stuff...that's just tomboy stuff. That STILL doesn't make me a "he". I may enjoy the hockey game, but I AM a woman and I can prove it before the game is over. You'll know that I'm a "she" as soon as you notice that my tendency to remain stupefied for most of the game because, for the life of me, I can't figure out how they get that big piece of ice in the building. The doors are NOWHERE near large enough. I guess it will have to remain one of life's little mysteries.
My passion for sports aside, I don't know why some arbitrary dude who's never met me would assume that I am a "he". I wasn't trying to be a "he" when I wrote the piece to which Edroso was referring. I can't convince others that I'm a man when I TRY to do it.
In one of the first movies I ever worked on, I played one of 5000 Union prisoners of war during the Civil War. Back then I would go out of my way to try to get close to the camera and I tried everything I could think of to get my puss on the screen. I'd hide behind tall guys and pop out when they said, "Action!" or I would stand up front with my back to the camera until it started rolling and I got caught EVERY SINGLE time I tried it. One day I actually taped down my boobs during PMS and had some friendly make-up man give me some facial hair. The director, John Frankenheimer, was never fooled. Not once. That man caught me EVERY single time. Then I ended up in "deep background". That was behind ALL of the other background players. On the bright side...it was in front of the plywood cut-out people in the back. So, try as I might, I cannot pass as a man in front of another man.
But...let me put a few coherent thoughts together...and to the rest of the world, I'm a dude. A part of me feels as tough I should be offended by that.
"Others worry about fallout. "I assume another publicity hungry freak will try to top peeing on The Savior of all Mankind," says {Flagged For Removal}. Then he provides samples: "Pope answers ad on Craigslist to be a 'host' at an S & M party. We find out he likes to play the submissive male..." We hope he's registered this with the WGA."
...being quoted in New York's Village Voice would be quite a treat. But when Village Voice contributor Roy Edroso quoted me, he also de-sexed me...or is it re-sexed? Cross-sexed? As many do, Edroso assumed that I was a man and he used the pronoun "he" in reference to me...twice...and that's just not right. I happen to be a she...I always have been. I'm not one of those ex-dudes who had their manhood hacked off...I'm an honest to goodness woman, with PMS, a tendency to act coy when I have a flat tire and an absolutely acrimonious attitude to my cheating ex who, if Karma exists, is being bitten by a huge spider on his left testicle as I type this.
Sometimes, I can fool people who aren't paying attention because I drive a car really well, I usually make perfect sense and I rarely, if ever, lose control of myself and go into some female tantrum. Yeah, I'm an odd woman, but a woman nonetheless.
Of course, some things I do will give me away immediately. For example, watch me try to parallel park...like a set of knockers on a chest, my parallel parking is a sure gender giveaway. Also, if a cop pulls me over, I WILL cry. I won't even wait to learn what I allegedly did to earn the personal roadside service...I'll just start the water works before that cop taps on my trunk for whatever it is that cops tap on trunks for.
Also, I LOVE sports...on TV. I have no business around balls, pucks, large wooden sticks or golf stick thingies. I just end up crying, further confirming my female status. But...I know what a touch back is, I can name 8 ways for a batter to get to first base and I know what a power play is. I love football, baseball and hockey. That's not really "he" stuff...that's just tomboy stuff. That STILL doesn't make me a "he". I may enjoy the hockey game, but I AM a woman and I can prove it before the game is over. You'll know that I'm a "she" as soon as you notice that my tendency to remain stupefied for most of the game because, for the life of me, I can't figure out how they get that big piece of ice in the building. The doors are NOWHERE near large enough. I guess it will have to remain one of life's little mysteries.
My passion for sports aside, I don't know why some arbitrary dude who's never met me would assume that I am a "he". I wasn't trying to be a "he" when I wrote the piece to which Edroso was referring. I can't convince others that I'm a man when I TRY to do it.
In one of the first movies I ever worked on, I played one of 5000 Union prisoners of war during the Civil War. Back then I would go out of my way to try to get close to the camera and I tried everything I could think of to get my puss on the screen. I'd hide behind tall guys and pop out when they said, "Action!" or I would stand up front with my back to the camera until it started rolling and I got caught EVERY SINGLE time I tried it. One day I actually taped down my boobs during PMS and had some friendly make-up man give me some facial hair. The director, John Frankenheimer, was never fooled. Not once. That man caught me EVERY single time. Then I ended up in "deep background". That was behind ALL of the other background players. On the bright side...it was in front of the plywood cut-out people in the back. So, try as I might, I cannot pass as a man in front of another man.
But...let me put a few coherent thoughts together...and to the rest of the world, I'm a dude. A part of me feels as tough I should be offended by that.
"Others worry about fallout. "I assume another publicity hungry freak will try to top peeing on The Savior of all Mankind," says {Flagged For Removal}. Then he provides samples: "Pope answers ad on Craigslist to be a 'host' at an S & M party. We find out he likes to play the submissive male..." We hope he's registered this with the WGA."
posted by Meg Kelso | 8:49 AM
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