That was stupid
One lovely morning I walked out to my mailbox and took out my mail. As I went through all of the usual junk mail, I saw an official looking envelope. It was from the Georgia Department of Motor Vehicles. It couldn't have been from Kansas or even Illinois, it was Georgia!Somehow, I had let my husband talk me into moving away from everyone I knew and bring me to a place that is the punchline in most of my jokes. I don't blame him anymore, I could have hopped out of the car somewhere north of the Mason-Dixon line but no...I stayed put as he took me deeper and deeper into a time warp.The letter said that my car insurance had been canceled and therefore, my car registration was no longer valid. That was stupid, he is just as responsible for any accident I get into. I guess I should have taken it as a sign that he trusted my driving but he should have considered the possibility that I would slam my car into a Mercedes just for spite.
But, with age comes a greater appreciation for one's spine so I didn't do that. I just stopped driving the car as I have a healthy respect for the Georgia Penal System. That makes getting a job somewhat difficult so I decided to use my writing skills to earn a few bucks. Hence, this blog began.I have been amazed at the responses I have been receiving. I expected emails from women who could relate but it is the men who are writing to me! And, you know, I absolutely adore men. If my husband knew about this he would surely say to the men, "Don't encourage her!" but, as of this moment, he doesn't know about this blog. With any luck at all, he will read about it sooner or later.That's where I need your help.When you are married to an intelligent, eloquent woman who has been published numerous times, it is wise to be nice to her. Otherwise, you may read about yourself in the morning paper and that is rarely a good thing. But somehow this intelligent woman married a bit of a moron. Hormones can be a dangerous thing. They caused me to marry him and caused his hair to fall out (of course it is possible that it just fell in and clogged up his brain). In my stand up routine, I often made light of our marriage when it was good, what in the world did he think I would do when it went bad? Oh well, my father warned me not to marry any more men who's last names ended in a vowel, so I accept full responsibility for it.Anyway, back to you and what you can do to help. If you find my blog entertaining, as sad as it is, please pass it on to someone you know. I am going to be updating it daily as time permits. You will be in on the daily struggles of a woman in the midst of a divorce. (Have you ever tried to write the word divorce without singing to yourself, "Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E, became final today?") If this thing gets around enough, even his mother will have to admit that perhaps her little Ricky isn't as perfect as she thinks he is. Now, if I had a legal car, I might be able to go out and get a real job so I could pay the bills but I don't. So, this is all I have.Some women are famous because of their looks, some just because of dumb luck, eg. Paris Hilton. I want to become the woman that Rick married, lied to, became violent with, left car-less, and cheated on while I was sick and then as I was trying to get over surgery to remove tumors on my parathyroid glands. Well, duh, it just occurred to me that I am all of that, but you know what I mean. This isn't bitterness, it is making lemonade out of lemons. At least that's what I told my father.Now, I don't want to be Queen Elizabeth, and I don't want to be insanely rich. I just want to pay my bills. Not too much for a girl to ask for. As I write this, I think I have the bills paid through the end of the month so that doesn't leave me much time. If I am going to take this plan all the way, I must get started. And by the way, yesterday it occurred to me that all I had to do was call the insurance company and switch the insurance back to my car. So, if you are in the Atlanta area and you see a white Mercury Tracer coming at you, get out of the way, it is not insured.Meg
Rick is a selfish, lying cheat
There were many signs that my husband was cheating on me again but when he started brushing his teeth on a daily basis, I knew something was up. This bald man with no self esteem has never been able to tell a woman "No." Having seen some of his mistresses, I can't imagine what he would refuse. It is amazing how many women would want a man that would cheat on his wife. But if Elvis impersonators can get laid, I guess a bald man with a twisted penis can get lucky. His penis is not only twisted, the head is smaller than the shaft. It looks kind of like a pencil with a worn out eraser. They say that baldness is caused by increased levels of testosterone so I guess that explains this man's voracious appetite for sex. I once found him masturbating to an adult movie on a channel that we didn't get. He was getting off to the slanted, half silent, half moaning reception of some sex channel. Usually, I would find a man with such a sex drive appealing but I prefer quality over quantity. I once glanced at the alarm clock as I climbed into bed. It was 11:00. Rick then began to get "frisky". Foreplay, the act itself, the climax and the first snore all by 11:08. I swear on my children's life. I couldn't believe it. He had never taken so much time in his life. Now he is someone else's problem. I can't help but relish in the thought that one day, Rick will stop all this tooth-brushing and turn into his regular self for her. She will get to wonder how this man who used to brush his teeth can't seem to keep a pair of underwear free of skid marks for 12 hours. I have spoken to other men about this and it even grosses them out. When you gross out another man, you are, well, gross. I wish I could say he will challenge her with his mind but up until I pointed out his mistake, he was calling Pensacola "Pepsi-Cola" and Philadelphia "Philadelthia". At first I thought he was a quiet, mysterious man. I slowly realized that he was just a moron who had nothing to say. Perhaps she thinks she has latched on to a man who will pay her bills. She may think he has a good job and compared to other men who date trailer dwelling bimbos, I bet he does. But, this is the exact same job, title and position he had when I met him 23 years ago. I don't see him becoming CEO anytime soon. He did start working out again for his mid-life crisis so I guess his body will be something. Except of course, for the misshapen penis thing.
One lovely morning I walked out to my mailbox and took out my mail. As I went through all of the usual junk mail, I saw an official looking envelope. It was from the Georgia Department of Motor Vehicles. It couldn't have been from Kansas or even Illinois, it was Georgia!Somehow, I had let my husband talk me into moving away from everyone I knew and bring me to a place that is the punchline in most of my jokes. I don't blame him anymore, I could have hopped out of the car somewhere north of the Mason-Dixon line but no...I stayed put as he took me deeper and deeper into a time warp.The letter said that my car insurance had been canceled and therefore, my car registration was no longer valid. That was stupid, he is just as responsible for any accident I get into. I guess I should have taken it as a sign that he trusted my driving but he should have considered the possibility that I would slam my car into a Mercedes just for spite.
But, with age comes a greater appreciation for one's spine so I didn't do that. I just stopped driving the car as I have a healthy respect for the Georgia Penal System. That makes getting a job somewhat difficult so I decided to use my writing skills to earn a few bucks. Hence, this blog began.I have been amazed at the responses I have been receiving. I expected emails from women who could relate but it is the men who are writing to me! And, you know, I absolutely adore men. If my husband knew about this he would surely say to the men, "Don't encourage her!" but, as of this moment, he doesn't know about this blog. With any luck at all, he will read about it sooner or later.That's where I need your help.When you are married to an intelligent, eloquent woman who has been published numerous times, it is wise to be nice to her. Otherwise, you may read about yourself in the morning paper and that is rarely a good thing. But somehow this intelligent woman married a bit of a moron. Hormones can be a dangerous thing. They caused me to marry him and caused his hair to fall out (of course it is possible that it just fell in and clogged up his brain). In my stand up routine, I often made light of our marriage when it was good, what in the world did he think I would do when it went bad? Oh well, my father warned me not to marry any more men who's last names ended in a vowel, so I accept full responsibility for it.Anyway, back to you and what you can do to help. If you find my blog entertaining, as sad as it is, please pass it on to someone you know. I am going to be updating it daily as time permits. You will be in on the daily struggles of a woman in the midst of a divorce. (Have you ever tried to write the word divorce without singing to yourself, "Our D-I-V-O-R-C-E, became final today?") If this thing gets around enough, even his mother will have to admit that perhaps her little Ricky isn't as perfect as she thinks he is. Now, if I had a legal car, I might be able to go out and get a real job so I could pay the bills but I don't. So, this is all I have.Some women are famous because of their looks, some just because of dumb luck, eg. Paris Hilton. I want to become the woman that Rick married, lied to, became violent with, left car-less, and cheated on while I was sick and then as I was trying to get over surgery to remove tumors on my parathyroid glands. Well, duh, it just occurred to me that I am all of that, but you know what I mean. This isn't bitterness, it is making lemonade out of lemons. At least that's what I told my father.Now, I don't want to be Queen Elizabeth, and I don't want to be insanely rich. I just want to pay my bills. Not too much for a girl to ask for. As I write this, I think I have the bills paid through the end of the month so that doesn't leave me much time. If I am going to take this plan all the way, I must get started. And by the way, yesterday it occurred to me that all I had to do was call the insurance company and switch the insurance back to my car. So, if you are in the Atlanta area and you see a white Mercury Tracer coming at you, get out of the way, it is not insured.Meg
Rick is a selfish, lying cheat
There were many signs that my husband was cheating on me again but when he started brushing his teeth on a daily basis, I knew something was up. This bald man with no self esteem has never been able to tell a woman "No." Having seen some of his mistresses, I can't imagine what he would refuse. It is amazing how many women would want a man that would cheat on his wife. But if Elvis impersonators can get laid, I guess a bald man with a twisted penis can get lucky. His penis is not only twisted, the head is smaller than the shaft. It looks kind of like a pencil with a worn out eraser. They say that baldness is caused by increased levels of testosterone so I guess that explains this man's voracious appetite for sex. I once found him masturbating to an adult movie on a channel that we didn't get. He was getting off to the slanted, half silent, half moaning reception of some sex channel. Usually, I would find a man with such a sex drive appealing but I prefer quality over quantity. I once glanced at the alarm clock as I climbed into bed. It was 11:00. Rick then began to get "frisky". Foreplay, the act itself, the climax and the first snore all by 11:08. I swear on my children's life. I couldn't believe it. He had never taken so much time in his life. Now he is someone else's problem. I can't help but relish in the thought that one day, Rick will stop all this tooth-brushing and turn into his regular self for her. She will get to wonder how this man who used to brush his teeth can't seem to keep a pair of underwear free of skid marks for 12 hours. I have spoken to other men about this and it even grosses them out. When you gross out another man, you are, well, gross. I wish I could say he will challenge her with his mind but up until I pointed out his mistake, he was calling Pensacola "Pepsi-Cola" and Philadelphia "Philadelthia". At first I thought he was a quiet, mysterious man. I slowly realized that he was just a moron who had nothing to say. Perhaps she thinks she has latched on to a man who will pay her bills. She may think he has a good job and compared to other men who date trailer dwelling bimbos, I bet he does. But, this is the exact same job, title and position he had when I met him 23 years ago. I don't see him becoming CEO anytime soon. He did start working out again for his mid-life crisis so I guess his body will be something. Except of course, for the misshapen penis thing.
posted by Meg Kelso | 2:43 PM
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