When I sit down...

...at my computer to write to you guys, I usually can spit out 1000 words in well under an hour. So, when I was hired to write those 7 articles, I thought that I would be able to spit out 750 words 7 times easily. But, it's not quite as easy when you have to think really hard.

I also had to quote sources so after the first 2 articles, it occurred to me that I was writing research papers and those are assigned 6 weeks in advanced. What was I thinking? Luckily, when I was in school I always wrote my research papers the night before they were due so I'm quite used to cramming...I just didn't think I'd be doing that again any time soon.

So, basically, I spent my entire weekend doing homework. I did stop to watch a football game, I had a guest over for dinner and I spent some time trying to remember the last time I got laid, but other than that, I just sat at this desk working.

I thought about the sex thing long and hard as I was trying to remember when the last time was. I remembered one guy that never quite made it. He WOULD have been the last but I had to call an audible during foreplay and walk away. I've only done that a couple times because once I'm halfway undressed, I'm usually on a roll.

He was doing pretty well there for a while and he's an ex pro-football player which never hurts. He's still in mighty decent shape, but apparently his nice body hides a bunch of old football injuries that are haunting him into his early 40's. I wouldn't mind a broken dude, but this one was way too messed up.

The deal breaker was his back. Because of some hit he took in the early 90's, he ONLY has intercourse lying flat on his back.

Now, I don't mind an occasional hike up Space Mountain...but I don't want the job on a permanent basis. 25 years ago I would have taken that opportunity to show football boy what I could do. I love a sexual challenge. But today, I have to think things through a bit more. If I DID get on top of ol' Pokey, I would be committing to a position that I don't like, I don't want to be in and frankly, I don't have the energy for. Let him go find some stupid 20 year old who hasn't learned how the world goes around yet...I'm sure there are plenty of them out there.

There are very good reasons why men are on top. First of all, if their pleasure was dependent on OUR effort, there would be a whole lot fewer orgasms in the world, and NO drunk dude would EVER get a nut. Secondly, the person on top can't just lay there, relax and plan tomorrow's ensemble. They HAVE to keep moving or it just turns stupid. Seriously, I'd rather do crunches.

I actually laid there thinking about all of this and then I said, "I'm sorry but I have to leave now." I didn't even lie about why. As I said, I rarely do that but every so often, something drastic alters the course of my sexual history. Once in '78 I had to get up and walk away because, as I told the guy at the time, "That thing is like mutant large, I don't think so. Sorry."

Even if I could have handled the mutant large dicked dude, I wouldn't have wanted to have to worry about women who easily accommodate such men. I'd have to pull an Angelina Jolie and take him out of the country to keep him away from any women who might look good. Why do you think she spends so much time in Africa? The long boobed women make her look awfully good by comparison.

Anyway, it's been a while since I've had sex but that's because I'm keeping a tight reign on things. Oh, and because I didn't want to take on the job as full time thruster in a relationship. So, it's all good.

Last week I missed a call from my fuckbuddy because I was outside pruning hedges. Do you know how frustrating THAT was?

See, this is why I can't finish those articles.