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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

OK then. There has long been speculation regarding the intelligence of women in general (or the lack thereof) and blonde’s in particular. I drive out there with women too so I know that the moniker “dumb blonde” has some basis in reality. But think about this…how do men from India know if their women are idiots? Although it’s not as easy as spotting a blonde, it seems as though the men have gotten together and created the perfect “Is This Woman A Moron?” test.

Indian farmers — desperate for rain — have asked their unmarried daughters to plow dry fields naked in a bid to spark interest from the weather gods and bring some badly needed monsoon rain. “They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains”.

Now, any chick with HALF a brain would tell the men, “You know, if you really want to embarrass the gods, send your naked mama out there to plow dirt.” I guess using the young, nubile girls is one way to control the weather…Granny would probably bring about a humiliating flood of biblical proportions.

Of course, even if a grandmother has an IQ of 4, by the time she gets to actually BE a grandmother, she’s usually savvy enough to refuse demeaning tasks such as plowing in the nude. I may not be the sharpest tack on the grocery store bulletin board, but I haven’t pushed a lawn mower since last August. There’s no man living with me, I have no boyfriend and I can’t afford to pay anyone to do it…yet my grass is nice and short.

Georgia is currently a bit drought stricken but that works for me…rain just makes the grass grow and I’d rather put a brick in my toilet tank than to actually do yard work. I might plow naked to STOP rain, but I have no beef with the reigning drought gods. (Of course, I AM a grandmother so I doubt that I’d sell many tickets…with the possible exception of those Indian dirt farmers.)

The older I get the easier it is to spot subterfuge like the Indian Rain Plow Scam. I’m not sure why…it could be that I’ve been around long enough to see it all and it could just be the fact that I no longer possess ovaries. I’m pretty sure that it’s the latter because ever since those suckers were removed, I’ve been thinking more and more clearly. Shortly after the surgery, I figured out that my sweet, innocent husband wasn’t the victim of a jealous and overly suspicious wife…he was actually boinking some tramp in a trailer park. What an epiphany THAT was.

I really could have used such clarity of mind while I was young and under the influence of hormones. Instead of marrying a short broke dude, I would have looked for a tall guy with cash. Ain’t that a bitch?

Women all lose their estrogen at some point and when they do, many strange things begin to happen to them. Personally, I have toe hair. A woman who has been de-estrogenated is not a woman you want to irritate. Although some of them have xanax, most of them have just had their upper lips waxed so they could be a bit touchy when approached…proceed at your own peril.

The hair gods have been relatively decent to me in my “enlightenment” (much more descriptive than menopause). Besides the toe hair, I seem to be growing furry little sideburns but I don’t need to have them waxed…to make up for making me a female and to confound men, the hair gods made me a relatively bright blonde. I would NEVER be dumb enough to plow naked for a bunch of poor, dirt farming old men. Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t plow anything while there were men around, whether I was naked or clothed.

Now, if I can just find a guy who cleans house, I’ll have the outside AND the inside taken care of. Then, it’s off to the mall with my blonde self…accompanied by a tall dude with cash.

: )


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