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Monday, August 03, 2009

Ladies...be bond efficient when committing crimes against men!

According to Tampa Police, Clifford’s father-in-law had been at the house earlier that day doing laundry…she was angered by the way it had been done…she reportedly discovered that her husband, Michael Mosny, hadn’t paid a bill as she reportedly instructed him to. As a result, her bank account was frozen. Investigators say Clifford admitted to throwing a potted plant at the kitchen sink, pushing folded blankets on the floor, knocking candles off of the coffee table, and throwing their wedding album – but she denies assaulting her husband intentionally. She reportedly told investigators she was attempting to grab the car keys from her husband when she “may have” struck him in the process. Clifford was booked…on charges of battery/domestic violence. She was released after posting a $1,000 bond.

That sounds about right, doesn’t it? Some chick goes off her nut at home and domestic violence ensues. Of course she DENIES hitting the man intentionally…domestic violators ALWAYS do. Rick used to whip the car keys at my head and then apologize profusely saying that he never “aimed at me”. (I actually believed that crap…until the end of our marriage and the last set of keys “accidentally” hit my head. It’s sad what a key to the head will do with your reasoning skills.) I can easily see a woman doing exactly what this woman is alleged to have done. Many a time I’ve wanted to throw plants, knock down candles and push folded blankets on the floor. I never actually did those things…not because they’re illegal but because I’ve always been smart enough to realize that I would end up having to clean my own mess and that’s just plain self defeating.

But, had I lacked the self restraint necessary to avoid becoming violent BACK at Rick, I would expect to be arrested. And, as I always say, if I’m going to jail at all…it’s going to be for offing an ex…not smacking one. That would be stupid. Who wants to walk around prison saying that you were dumb enough to hit a person most likely larger than yourself? Maybe popularity eluded me in high school, but I KNOW how to be popular in a women’s detention center…pull a Betty Broderick and “shoot the bastard”. I could go to prison and be an E Entertainment star if I wanted to…I just don’t want to. I prefer the freedom to dump one guy and play with 10 more.

As anyone who’s ever been to the county lock-up will tell you, prison is better than jail. I’m not quite sure why, but it is. And if you get busted for anything at all, chances are pretty good that you’ll await your bondsman in the local lock-up. County jails just aren’t meant to harbor crooks for any length of time. Because of it’s very nature, people don’t spend as much time in a jail as they do in prison. Generally, jails are no fun, there’s very little in the way of activities and unless you enjoy reading books donated by dimwitted romance novel readers…you’ll probably want to leave as soon as possible. On top of all of that, I’m no math whiz but a thousand bucks is a nice hunk of change and not that easy to come by.

For a grand, one lady was able to have a major hissy fit and toss her own stuff around her house. But there’s a huge problem here. I already mentioned the fact that she had to clean up her own mess…but for a thousand bucks…she should have been able to toss that plant at the dude, not in the sink. That made no sense whatsoever and I bet you TWO grand that when she got out of jail, that broken house plant was still sitting in the sink…with a few beer mugs on top of it.

It’s nice that this woman was able to get her ya-ya’s out for some minor incarceration and some cash. Especially when you consider that she probably didn’t, with deliberation and malice aforethought, plan one bit of this crime. I’m quite sure that she restrained herself from hitting as hard as she wanted to, never expected the bum to call the cops on her and had most likely just walked in from buying Kotex. So, for a non-planned temper tantrum…a grand seems almost cheap…doesn’t it?

Not so fast ladies. Ask a few questions before you go after your man. Is there a cheaper crime to commit against his person? The discriminating woman prefers more bang for her bail bond buck and if you just stop and think things through, you’ll realize that most of us could easily get by on the $200 package although the $1000 package does have it’s appeal.

What do you get for a mere $200? Ponder this story:

Three Wisconsin women lure a cheating husband to a motel room after discovering he was dating them all…Therese Ziemann, 47, Wendy Sewell, 44, and Michelle Belliveau, 43…Investigators say Ziemann was alone with him, when he voluntarily allowed himself to be bound and blindfolded on the promise of a “massage”. Instead, she cut off his underwear and called in the two other women. When Sewell and Belliveau came into the room, they reportedly attacked the victim and superglued his penis to his stomach…striking him in the face. The victim claimed his wallet, cell phone, and car were missing when he was finally released. Each woman was charged with being a party to false imprisonment. Ziemann is also charged with misdemeanor battery and fourth-degree sexual assault. Each woman was released on a $200 bond.

Now that’s a crime with some teeth, isn’t it? I don’t know how they can be charged with falsely imprisoning some idiot that held still long enough to be tied up. So he got to see all three of his bimbos at once instead of one at a time. How that’s a crime…I do not know. If the women had all come in one at a time without knowledge of each other, they would have been fine. But since they were all standing by their man together…it’s a crime. Whatever. But we can learn something from the presence of so many accomplices…it’s cheaper to get a gang of crazed women out of jail than it is to get one crazed woman out. At 200 bucks a pop, they could have afforded 2 more crazed chicks. Hell, for a mere 200 dollars, I would have gone myself…just to watch and eat pop-corn…I have no beef with the guy. These women not only had the satisfaction of a crime perfectly executed, they also left with a cell phone, a wallet and a car…3 things that we would all like to take from a man.

Also, I’m not sure what the “degrees” of sexual assault are but fourth degree doesn’t sound as bad as first degree sexual assault. I would wager that most men would be able to pee standing up after a first degree sexual assault. This measly fourth degree charge is nothing considering the fact that he not only had to confront all 3 girlfriends AND his wife that day…but he also had to face a group of emergency room personnel who, I assure you, are professional enough not to laugh in his face. But…as an RN who has worked in many areas of the hospital (including the ER), I can further assure you, the comic relief is not wasted on hospital staff. (Although…occasionally you get a man in the room who “feels” for the dude with the penis super-glued to his lower abdomen and then you can’t laugh until he leaves.) I wouldn’t want a person with a history of sex crimes anywhere near me or my home but if it was the chick with the gorilla glue, I think I’d let it slide.

So…one chick throws her own stuff and “allegedly” roughs up her man…for ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Then you have the Super Glue Gang of 3…who ALL left with a pretty cool story to tell…some serious self satisfaction and the thrill of being able to say, “I’m part of the Super Glue Gang!”…all of that for a pawlty two hundred bucks a piece.

What have we learned here today? If you must assault a man:

1. Do it in groups of 2 or more.

2. Stop at Home Depot before the assault so you aren’t reduced to tossing houseplants.

3. Wherever possible, utilize media-friendly methods of assault. No one cares if you smack a guy in the face…but EVERYONE loves a good “Super Glue to the penis” story.

4. If your victim is stupid enough to let you tie his ass down and blindfold him before you assault him…tie his ass down and blindfold him before you assault him.

5. Motel rooms are good…whatever happens, you won’t have to clean up the mess.

6. “Calibrate” your motivation for committing the assault. Improper folding of laundry doesn’t go over as well as boinking 4 women at once.

7. If you find yourself in a group of women planning to do ANYTHING spiteful to a penis…bring a camera. (OK…that one’s for me.)

8. If you find yourself in a group of women and the conversation meanders in the direction of super glue and penis’s (peni?)…ask to be the person who actually applies the super glue to the penis. The price is the same as those who don’t and the hero status in the women’s detentional center is SO worth it. It’s really a helluva bargain at two hundred dollars.

9. If you’re in the middle of a violent episode and the man calls 911…smack him once really good before the cops get there. Assault is assault with or without bruises.

10. And last, but certainly not least PLAN THINGS OUT. A silly chick tossing houseplants for a thousand dollars looks like a complete idiot next to 3 other chicks who FOREVER get to raise their hands and shout, “ME!!!” with pride whenever someone asks, “Who here as ever super-glued a man’s penis to his belly?”


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you responsible for posting the Obama Socialist poster on the big chicken?

August 03, 2009  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

LOLOL...I hadn't heard that one. I am currently avoiding all police interaction and wouldn't do that if I had thought of it.


August 04, 2009  

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