Meg...
...there is little if anything left at all of a sense of community... which I believe is greatly contributing to higher statistics of depression and other mental illnesses.
I never thought about the link between those two issues but when I mentioned that there are forces attempting to “cut the ties that bind”, this is what I was referring to . And, I pretty much agree with Guy when he says:
I have to wonder if the move towards more socialist government programs and beliefs have contributed to the loss of community. Rather than helping each other, as many had to do in the past, people now look to the government to help them. People seem to expect the government to step in and help them now and become angry if it doesn't happen when and how they want it to.
Yeah, and the frightening thing is that once you have to depend on someone else, you are at their mercy. I would never, ever, under any circumstances, trust someone who had me at their mercy to act in my best interests at all times. Just think about this aphorism...Divide and Conquer.
My dog just farted. Jeez, I hate that. I thought that all the nasty farting left with Vex. Oh well, at least I KNOW the dog doesn’t have enough sense to go into the restroom for such things. There has always been a farting man in my life. When I was a little girl, my grandfather, a very successful businessman, would read the paper in his recliner at night and literally lift his leg and fart with no shame or “Excuse Me.” Of course, when I got a little older, my brothers got a thrill out of farting. I left home and got married so I immediately had a farter of my own. Then, without missing a beat, I married again and had another farter. I swear to God, I had him convinced that woman just don’t fart. Next, I was single for a few years but I was working as a nurse so I saw a lot of stuff much worse than farts. Then, I met the fartmaster. (My spellchecker REALLY didn’t like that one.) When my oldest son attained a certain age, he developed a facsination with farting that he pretty much still has. He laughs so hard at his own farts, but you can truly annoy him by farting back at him.
When he and Vex where both living with me, it was one great big fart-a-rama. A few years ago, I was in New York and I had this great beef sandwich with peppers...three kinds. I went into the restroom and noticed what a hideous bouquet that sandwich had summoned. I smiled. I began developing my stratagem.
It was so marvelously brilliant and the timing couldn’t have been better. They were both in the living room watching television. I went back into the living room and sat down as though all was right with the world. Serenely secure in my evil scheme, I withheld the pressure that was my vengeance for the years of anguish to which I had been subjected by the fartmaster and his little partner in crime. I smiled cunningly as I remembered the silence that preceeded the appalling stench. I knew that there would be no forewarning for my victims. I waited until just the right moment and unleashed what was the most foul, repugnant, revolting “silent but deadly” that I had ever had the misfortune of suffering. And then I sat back and watched the consequences of my reprisal ensue. It was breathtaking...literally.
When the effects of my opus first touched their noses, they immediately glanced at each other. Then, they inhaled again. Oh, it was magnificent. I laughed so hard that I instantaneously gave myself away. They both actually got up off of their chairs. The looks on their faces were identical and said the same thing, “How can I leave the presence of this gruesome entity?” Their eyes went back and forth as though they were looking for an exit. You would have thought that they were a couple of mice in the presence of a lion. Such a sense of contentment, I have never felt. I assure you, that one fart made up for the years of olfactory assaults that these two yahoos had released upon me. I have tried, in vain, to duplicate it but haven’t found the proper combination of weapons with which to do so.
OK, enough fart talk, the dog just farted again. I guess I asked for that one. Well, I have to clean my kitchen so I can mess it up again by making dinner.
See ya,
...there is little if anything left at all of a sense of community... which I believe is greatly contributing to higher statistics of depression and other mental illnesses.
I never thought about the link between those two issues but when I mentioned that there are forces attempting to “cut the ties that bind”, this is what I was referring to . And, I pretty much agree with Guy when he says:
I have to wonder if the move towards more socialist government programs and beliefs have contributed to the loss of community. Rather than helping each other, as many had to do in the past, people now look to the government to help them. People seem to expect the government to step in and help them now and become angry if it doesn't happen when and how they want it to.
Yeah, and the frightening thing is that once you have to depend on someone else, you are at their mercy. I would never, ever, under any circumstances, trust someone who had me at their mercy to act in my best interests at all times. Just think about this aphorism...Divide and Conquer.
My dog just farted. Jeez, I hate that. I thought that all the nasty farting left with Vex. Oh well, at least I KNOW the dog doesn’t have enough sense to go into the restroom for such things. There has always been a farting man in my life. When I was a little girl, my grandfather, a very successful businessman, would read the paper in his recliner at night and literally lift his leg and fart with no shame or “Excuse Me.” Of course, when I got a little older, my brothers got a thrill out of farting. I left home and got married so I immediately had a farter of my own. Then, without missing a beat, I married again and had another farter. I swear to God, I had him convinced that woman just don’t fart. Next, I was single for a few years but I was working as a nurse so I saw a lot of stuff much worse than farts. Then, I met the fartmaster. (My spellchecker REALLY didn’t like that one.) When my oldest son attained a certain age, he developed a facsination with farting that he pretty much still has. He laughs so hard at his own farts, but you can truly annoy him by farting back at him.
When he and Vex where both living with me, it was one great big fart-a-rama. A few years ago, I was in New York and I had this great beef sandwich with peppers...three kinds. I went into the restroom and noticed what a hideous bouquet that sandwich had summoned. I smiled. I began developing my stratagem.
It was so marvelously brilliant and the timing couldn’t have been better. They were both in the living room watching television. I went back into the living room and sat down as though all was right with the world. Serenely secure in my evil scheme, I withheld the pressure that was my vengeance for the years of anguish to which I had been subjected by the fartmaster and his little partner in crime. I smiled cunningly as I remembered the silence that preceeded the appalling stench. I knew that there would be no forewarning for my victims. I waited until just the right moment and unleashed what was the most foul, repugnant, revolting “silent but deadly” that I had ever had the misfortune of suffering. And then I sat back and watched the consequences of my reprisal ensue. It was breathtaking...literally.
When the effects of my opus first touched their noses, they immediately glanced at each other. Then, they inhaled again. Oh, it was magnificent. I laughed so hard that I instantaneously gave myself away. They both actually got up off of their chairs. The looks on their faces were identical and said the same thing, “How can I leave the presence of this gruesome entity?” Their eyes went back and forth as though they were looking for an exit. You would have thought that they were a couple of mice in the presence of a lion. Such a sense of contentment, I have never felt. I assure you, that one fart made up for the years of olfactory assaults that these two yahoos had released upon me. I have tried, in vain, to duplicate it but haven’t found the proper combination of weapons with which to do so.
OK, enough fart talk, the dog just farted again. I guess I asked for that one. Well, I have to clean my kitchen so I can mess it up again by making dinner.
See ya,
posted by Meg Kelso | 3:05 PM
4 Comments:
too.. fart loud and proud
Ahhhhh... “The silent but deadly”....my personal favorite.
I laughed out loud when I read your essay on farting. You reminded me of a quote I read once. It's reported that whem when the Germans demanded his surrender, the commanding officer of the 101 Airborne Division in the Battle of the Bulge responded "Nuts." When he heard this, General Patton said, "Such an eloquent man deservres to be resqued." When I read your essay on farting, I thought that sucg an eloquent woman deserves to have the man of her dreams.
Larry
Who'd thunk that "eloquent" and "fart" would ever be used in the same sentence?
I love it...by the way, my Dad was in the 101rst...AIRBORNE!!!!!!
Meg
Post a Comment
<< Home