Oops...

...I left the back door open all night as I slept on the couch just ten feet away. Isn’t that stupid? It's because since the break in, the door won't shut without using the dead bolt and I didn't use it. I also let the dog sleep outside of his kennel which turned out to be a good thing. He slept in front of the couch guarding me all night. And this is the really cool part, he didn’t eat any of my stuff! The last time I let him sleep out of his kennel he ate my remote. Once he chewed the bottom out from under my bed. I don’t let him do that often, but I do try it once every blue moon. This is the first time he hasn’t eaten something of mine since February.

Now, I haven’t gone through the entire house, it’s possible that my spare room is trashed. But if it is, I don’t want to know until I’ve had some coffee.

My son, on the other hand, hasn’t been so good to me. Yesterday morning, he brought a huge piece of car into the house and asked if he could leave it in his room because of the break in. He has a beautiful Mustang which he adores and guards, whether it is intact or in individual parts. He loves each and every piece of that car. I woke up yesterday after taking a nap and found his entire transmission in the house. It’s all in his room, but the smell lingers throughout the entire house. I guess it’s the tranny that smells so bad, I can’t find any gasoline soaked rags or anything like that. I better have cereal for breakfast, I wouldn’t want to turn the stove on right now. I didn’t realize how large a transmission was. Damn, that’s a big piece of car.

I feel like Andy Griffith, finding a dismantled car in my place and Goober standing next to it.

I asked him, “Why can some people can take them apart and fix them in one day but you can’t?

He said, “Experience.”

I didn’t like that answer. I drive that car every so often and I don’t like the fact that the transmission was rebuilt by someone who admits that they have no experience doing such things. I never wanted to know why the car moved when I shifted gears, now I know what all of that looks like and that’s like being a nurse and having a headache. I’m sure it’s a brain tumor or an aneurism. That little bit of knowledge is a crazy thing.

Now, when I’m traveling down the highway shifting gears, I will be imagining the parts of that sucker falling apart. My son taking out the transmission of a car is like me doing a kidney transplant. I have a general idea of where everything goes and I’ve seen it done, I just haven’t ever done it before myself.

Oh well, I feel better driving my Kia with all the warning lights on. I don’t know what they mean and I don’t know what could happen so there isn’t anything to worry about. So, to the guys who want to know what women think, that’s what we think about cars and stuff we don’t understand.

When it comes to machinery, ignorance is bliss. What I don’t know can’t hurt me. The worst that really could happen is another one of those engines blow up on me and that’s not so bad. You don’t see it coming and it’s over before you figure out what happened so what difference does it make if it does happen? If men aren’t gonna tell me to put oil in the stupid things, they can’t blame me when I blow them up.

I found out that they don’t really “blow up.” I don’t know where words like that come from, maybe from the sound it makes. Apparently, I just sent a piston through the block. Nothing actually blew up, and I was somewhat disappointed. There was just a loud sound and the car stopped. No big deal.

I can’t prevent stuff like that but I am resourceful. I can get out of situations better than most people. My car was stuck in the driveway after a blizzard and all of my brothers and my father couldn’t get it unstuck. When I wanted to leave, I went in the back seat where I had a bunch of curtains and I wrapped them around the tires. Then, I spread curtains out behind all 4 tires and backed right out of the driveway.

I enjoyed driving in Chicago. I had such a crapped out car that I would just ram it into stuff if I had to. Like snow banks. If I lost control of it, I would drive it into a 6 foot wall of snow. There was always plenty of snow lining the roads to drive into. I used to bump people who didn’t move when I wanted them to. I didn’t do that very often, but I could always get out of it pretty well. I wouldn’t have done it to a Roller Derby Queen, but it was kind of fun back before people started suing you for everything.

I just had to tip-toe through the tranny to get to my son’s alarm clock and turn it off. I almost tripped on a big jagged thing and I scratched my ankles. That sucked. I hate men.

Not really, I love them. Really. I guess it’s like you guys love women. You like them all even though there are those pyscho wenches from hell. They couldn’t earn that title unless some guy had given in to them. So, even though there are evil men out there, I still like men in general. I don’t know why. I guess it’s just nature. Whatever it is, I like men.

I prefer to have one of my own, but if I don’t, I would like to nab the rest of them one at a time. Like I said last spring when I started my first date thing, any man can be nice on a first date and I like to have a bunch of them. If there was a good one, I’d grab him if I could. But if not, I just go on to the next one. That’s all. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Of course, every tenth guy or something like that is a total ass and I end up ditching him at Faces and hitching a ride home with a friend.

Oh well. That’s the chance you take when you go out with a different guy. And, like I said, if I can’t have my own, then I usually want one thing when I wake up in the morning...a different guy.

That doesn’t mean that I necessarily go and get one that day so don’t take me wrong, I don’t want to earn that “unadulterated sex” bullshit. If I were to do that, I’d tell about it privately on some web site that you had to pay to access. I could certainly talk some shit if I wanted to. I did that when I was doing stand up.

That was funny because I am just so sweet looking...you never expect me to say the things that I do. At least that’s what they tell me.

Do you remember yesterday when I said that I had “references”? Well, I wasn’t kidding. I’ve given them doing stand up. I actually tell the things that I’ve heard in moments of heated passion. You guys say some funny stuff. Thanks for that.

I can’t list my references right now but I’ll tell you what I say when people request me to do certain things, “Ask me again when I’m drinking.” I may tell you sometime.

On that note, I’m gonna go away for a while and clean something.

See ya,

Meg