I'm trying very hard...

...not to be frustrated with Jean. I've said often that Alzheimer's patients are my favorite patients to care for but usually they're sweet and silly. Jean is not sweet at all. She was a rather unpleasant woman before she developed this hideous disease and now she is an unpleasant woman who forgets that she just insulted you so she does it again.

Even when she's behaving as nice as she can...she can be rather annoying. She loves to watch Law and Order so I've been Tivo-ing episodes for her. This morning she was watching an episode that I Tivo-ed yesterday and about halfway through the show, I went to the store to get some things for dinner. When I walked back in, she was watching the same episode over again. I said, "Do you want to watch another episode? We just watched this one." She got annoyed and said, "I've never seen this one!"

I had to sit there for a while and tell her everything that was happening before she would let me put a different episode on. I don't enjoy watching the same program over and over again but I can deal with it. What I can't deal with is watching the same episode of the same program over and over again. Right now she's in there watching Law and Order again. Her attitude was starting to get to me so I came in here and looked up a post that I write a while back. I had to reread it to remind myself how difficult it is to have Alzheimer's so I wouldn't feel so bad for myself As hard as it is to care for Jean...it's got to be a billion times worse to have such a dreadful illness.

So...I am going to repost this for anyone else out there who may be taking care of a loved one with Alzheimer's':

To my wonderful children,

I watched you as you walked out of the Alzheimer's Unit today and I know you thought that I didn't remember you. I saw your tears and I wanted to make them go away but I didn't know how. Even though you tried to hide it, you seemed so sad. I wanted to make the sadness go away but, once again, I didn't know how. I heard the doctor tell you that I didn't know who you were. I had to let you know that nothing could be further from the truth.There's a very special place deep inside of me where I dwell along with my memories of you and of all that you have ever meant to me. In that special place, I know who you are. You are my child. For as long as my heart beats, you will be inside of it…and I never go anywhere without my heart.

When you were a tiny baby, I would hold you in my arms and stare into your eyes. I watched you stare back at me with such a look of awe…I wondered what was in your mind. You couldn't tell me then and I can't tell you what's in my mind now. But trust me, just as you were behind the eyes that I stared into back then…I am behind my eyes today. Maybe people can't see me, but I'm there. And, in my special place, I have you with me.

I get frustrated sometimes and things get a little confusing for me. I try to tell you that I love you and instead, I take off my shoe and stick it in the sink. I want to cook dinner for you and instead I throw food on the floor. My heart wants to hug you but my hands just make circles in the air. I don't know why these things happen any more than you do. But please don't think that I have forgotten you. You're right here, inside my special place.

And please remember that I'm still your mother and that I want what's best for you. If it means that you have to take care of your own family, please know that it just serves to make me proud of you. All I ever wanted was for you to have a life and a family of your own. Please don't feel as though you're neglecting me. You're ALWAYS right here with me, deep inside my special place.

I don't want you to think that I'm sad, I have so much inside of me. So many things are here in my mind. I remember them so clearly. There's no rhyme or reason to my thoughts, but I know them all. They're thoughts that I've had before…but they come in so randomly that I can't really make heads nor tails of them. But I DO know them all, and you're a huge part of my thoughts. That's because instead of coming to me in real time, my thoughts are coming from my special place.

I have so many things in here with me, recipes, phone numbers, the ice cream man who came to our neighborhood when I was a child. I have school dances, tree houses and my purple bicycle. With me are memories of being in love, holiday dinners and driving through the mountains. And of all the things that I have in my special place, you are by far the most precious.

I may have lost the ability to know how to put on a pair of shoes…but I remember putting yours on when you were 4. I may not know what to do with a telephone but I remember when you called to tell me that you had just gotten engaged to be married. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what to do with a spoon, but I remember feeding you with one. I can't find my way to my bedroom but I remember tucking you into bed with a kiss at night. It may not seem like I know much at all, but here in my special place, I have a wealth of knowledge…and I earned most of it from raising you.

So, don't be too sad. Instead, look at your life, your children and your happiness. If you can take care of all that you have and all that you are, then you've done all that I've ever wanted you to do. Your life makes mine worth all that I have, all that I know and all that I've ever done.

And remember, you're with me always, always. I keep you deep down in the core of my soul with all that I am. It may be hard for you to understand…but in my special place, the essence of you exists in a way that I can recognize. I know exactly who you are, you're my child.

Mom