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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Salam ya'll!

If you were Azerbaijani you would know that Salam means Hello! So, Salam to you!

I'm back in a hotel lobby using the computer they have down here. I wish I had kept count of all of the hotel lobbies that I've sat in, waiting for a chance to tell you guys hello.

This isn't right...there's a guy pacing back in forth in an obvious attempt to get me to get the hell off of this thing and he's beginning to get blood in his eyes. I waited for45 minutes to sit here and I'm not about to leave just yet.

You know, I can't even think with that yahoo stomping like he is so I'm going to tell him that he's making me take longer with his pacing.

OK, I told him. What a Type A personality that one is. He wants to write a quick email and I told him that if I'm still here in 10 minutes, I'll let him send that email if he will just sit the fuck down so that I can do something.

OK, he's sitting down. I think I'll just write about that guy since he's right there and I can't stop thinking about his ass. I know his problem and I understand it, he's obviously from somewhere in New York City. I can read an accent quite well and that one is absolutely a Yankee! You know, we don't take kindly to Yankees coming down here and throwin' an ice cube in our hot chicken grease.

Oh, crap, I'll let him use the damn computer. But, since he's a fellow Yankee, I can treat him as such. He's probably been being treated with some good old Southern Hospitality since he crossed that Mason Dixon line but I was born in Jersey City and I grew up in Chicago so I can handle this as well as any Yankee who still lives up thar in that concrete jungle.

OK then, I'll be right back after Yankee Dude sends his stupid email.


OK, he sent it. Rather than wait here for him, I drove to get myself a bigger cup of coffee than the 6 ounce Styrofoam cups that they have here. You know, with the reputation that Styrofoam has, they really shouldn't be allowed to make them that small. I drink one large cup of coffee in the morning and then I usually drink water or tea. But in hotels, no matter how nice or not nice they are, I have to have 3 cups. That's not too bad if they have the stuff to make it in my room, but that hotel in New York City didn't so I had to carry 3 little cups of hot coffee up to my room from the lobby continental breakfast "buffet". So, in addition to being a big addition to the pollution of the planet, it's a major burn risk as well. The more full cups you have the bigger your chances of spilling some of it.

Anyway, when I went to get the coffee, I got pulled over for improper lane usage. Luckily, I'm from out of town and I just played the stupid female...from out of town, with all the flustered stuttering that the part requires. You know, that's ridiculous. It's far too easy for a cop to buy a dumb blond.

I think that men try to say things like, "Oh, you'd have to be really, really smart to act so stupid!" They just tell themselves that because they don't want to admit that they've actually been taken in by a dumb blond. It's all an ego thing and men are nothing if not ego driven. So, they just tell the world that, "She's really not dumb, she's just so damned smart that I THOUGHT she was dumb!" Well, that STILL makes the guy dumber than the woman.

But in reality, women don't have to be very smart at all to play stupid. They may be totally brain dead and if their boobs are big enough or their ass is just so, they're going to get what they want and there's nothing you can do to stop it. A hot chick doesn't need anything. She could leave the house naked in the morning and by nightfall, she'll be engaged to some rich guy who took her shopping for clothes.

Yep, guys are pretty easy to read. The tough part is when they tell you how much they love you. You have to decipher what that means. It's not always that easy to do. Sometimes it could mean that they had a bit too much to drink, it could mean they want to feel the titties or they could, I suppose, actually love a woman. (I know it's not likely but I've heard that it happens.)

Damn, I digressed again.

OK, I was telling you about the cop. I was going to make a left hand turn and I got into the suicide lane too early. I did it because there were too many cars in the proper lane and there weren't any cars coming from the other way so I purposely headed the wrong way in that middle lane, passing about 30 cars and one area where oncoming traffic can turn left themselves. I made it fine and turned left. I looked in my rear view to see if there was a cop following me..not that I really thought there would be, I looked around as I was committing the crime.

Well, there was a cop back there. He pulled me over and then he asked me that stupid question, "Do you know why I stopped you?"

Well, only a moron would say yes to that so I said, "No officer, but I am SO lost, can you help me find Main Street?"

Then he said, "Little lady, you could have been hurt back there!" I had to play stupid so I said, "What do you mean? I'm from Georgia and we can make left turns on green lights!"

That had nothing to do with anything but if you're going to play stupid, you might as well do it well.

"No ma'am, that's not what I mean...." He went on to tell me what I had done wrong and I acted like I was so lost and female that I was all in a tizzy (whatever the hell a tizzy is, I'm too stupid to know). It worked, he told me how to get back to Main Street and he didn't give so much as a warning, he just sent me on my way with a pleasant, "Be careful ma'am!"

Yeah, I'll be careful. For a female!

I don't need a radar detector so much as I need an estrogen detector because if a chick cop pulled me over I'd be in one shitload of trouble. Although, now that I think of it, the only two chicks that I ever had encounters with were pretty decent and they didn't ticket me either.

One of them just pulled over when I was broken down on 81 up near Canada, she never asked for ID which was good because I didn't have any.

Then I was pulled over by a woman cop for turning left after stopping at a red light. When she pulled me over she was laughing because what I had just done was so stupid. But there was a major scary downpour and I just had a brain fart for a moment and that's what I told her. She just kept on laughing and let me go. She had seen everything that I did and it was SOOOO fricking stupid that only another female would understand how easily it could happen.

So, maybe the chick cops aren't such a bad thing. But you just can't tell with them. I'm pretty good with the dude cops, I can handle them. But with a chick cop, you just don't know what the hell could be going on in her cycle so you have to be really careful.

Anyway, I guess that's all for the time being. I have to go back upstairs and primp for the day. Maybe I'll wear my push up bra and a low cut shirt. As I just found out, you never know when you'll get pulled over.


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