There are only a few more days...

...of shopping before Christmas. That reminds me, I should put up that stupid tree sometime soon. Or, I could just leave my poinsettia sitting where it is and put a bowlful of Christmas Candy Kisses under it. Yeah, that's about as much Christmas spirit as I have this year.

At my age, all I want for Christmas is to live until another one rolls around. I've never been one to shop in August for gifts to be given in December but my kids grandmother does that. She's been ready for weeks even though she worries constantly that she may have forgotten someone. If I were pushing 80, I would worry about that too. Funny, I'm not at all worried about it now.

I've been asking for a bike for the past 15 years worth of gift giving occasions and I still haven't gotten one. If people had just given me a dollar every time I hinted about that bike, I'd have one helluva bicycle right now. Oh, what I wouldn't give for my purple Schwinn that I had when I was a little girl. Anyway, I'll be lucky if I get a bad gift this year.

Bad gifts aren't as bad as they first appear. Sure, a cheap doll with a head that spins as it plays, 'These are a Few of my Favorite Things' seems pretty stupid when you open the box...but here it is over 20 years later and I am still laughing over the doll that he so lovingly shopped for. By the way, I don't collect dolls and I don't go around spinning my head around or singing Julie Andrews tunes.

I had to know one thing, "Is this what he set OUT to buy for me or did he just see it and say to himself, 'That's the perfect gift for her!'?" Looking back, I believe it was sitting in between the door and the cash register because I doubt he walked any further than that.

One year Rick and I had a mouse problem. It was in the fall and we had solved the problem in October. So, when I opened my gift that Christmas, vermin was nowhere in my mind. I looked down at the earrings in the box and asked, "Are they cats?"

He smiled proudly and stated, "No! They're mice! Remember the mice we had last fall?"

I just thanked the Lord that we didn't have cockroaches.

I think I would rather just sit under the tree and open up an Easy Bake Oven like I did in 1969. I spent that entire day baking with my Easy Bake Oven and by the time the day was over, I had cooked all of the mixes that came with the stupid thing. I never got to use it again. Now I know how to mix tiny batches of cake mix...I just don't know many people who would want a tiny cake.

Oh, I need some more of those round things...you know...the things you make pot holders with. I have two of the red squares and one weaver thingie, all I need are the big stretchy round things and I'm back in business.

I need another big box of crayons, my grandkids messed up the box that I had kept in such nice condition for so long. Oh, and some pastels...I'm pretty easy to please. But, I have a feeling that I'm going to get stuff that people think I need. If that's true, I could use some cute knee high socks and some flowered thermal underwear. I do love my long johns in the winter.

Some people don't pay a BIT of attention when you tell them what you want because they know better than you what you want/need. My father didn't like the fact that I didn't have an answering machine. He whined about it all the time. I told him I didn't care and that if I'm home, I'm home, if I'm not, I'm not. Duh. It's been working for YEARS just like that. So, what did he do when Christmas rolled around? He bought me a new phone with it's own answering machine. Then, he balked at my greeting. He's one of those 'you can't please some of the people any of the time' folks.

I've had the police at my house twice this year...both times they were sent by my daughter. She lives in LA and she couldn't get in touch with me so, she sent the cops to check up on me. Once I wasn't home but I called home while the cops were there. My poor roommate at the time wasn't happy about that and neither was my date.

Then, halfway through Thanksgiving, I was minding my own business, watching TV. But, apparently I had accidentally pulled the plug out of the phone and no one could call me. So, after another visit by the Marietta Police Department, I was "code 4", whatever that is.

Anyway...I wouldn't be the least surprised to find a cell phone in a gift wrapped box this year. I've avoided one for years and now people don't even believe me when I tell them that I don't have one. What's that all about? I have a working rotary phone, how many of you can say that?

So many of the gifts that we give are just prop gifts. They're there to be opened on Christmas Day only to be taken back and exchanged after the prices go down. If we only knew which people wouldn't like the gift that we picked out, we could just give them a paper gift certificate.

Oh, and what the heck is wrong with gift certificates? Why do people say that "they take no thought"? Who said that a gift required thought? Those mouse earrings didn't require any thought...I doubt my ex was going from store to store combing the jewelry cases for mouse earrings. Somehow I survived.

If anyone out there is worried that I might be offended by a gift certificate, please...worry no more. I'll take it with a smile. Don't give it another thought. Now you can go shop for someone who will read meaning into your gift.

One more thing before I go...men...don't be stupid. No mouse earrings or dolls for grown women. If all else fails, a pretty little necklace with a diamond on it will keep her happy. Also, read the post beneath the snakes...but pay attention to the snakes on your way there...it's not a coincidence that those snakes are in between a story about a dumb husband and gift giving!