Men are just as cute as they can be:

I don't know how I stumbled, unless you were trying to get me shook up .....not going to happen remember I was once too a married man...married to a 9.9 on the richter-bitch scale...and trust me you don't EVEN come close. And how long has it been since we were last together??? You should be afraid...very afraid.

The word "whoops" ALWAYS implies a stumble. Once again, I don't make the rules, I just abide by them. And I've never, ever, ever tried to be a bitch to you. I'm not a natural bitch, I have to put effort into it. But, like Sumo wrestlers, I really enjoy it. We last sucked face in 1974...but my virtue was safe with you so I don't know how "together" we were. But, since I caught hell for that damn hickey...I must get you for that this year.

Now...what's this crap about me being "afraid"? I haven't been afraid since The Omen came out and my dog kept sneaking into my room. I think that was sometime shortly after you assaulted my neck.

What possible scary things could you do? I was already married to an abusive cheating liar (Rick Kelso of Kalispell Montana) and a short dude who wears a washcloth on his head (he is NOT Muslim...just afraid of losing his hair). I've dated more men than I could ever count and although I've gone on alert with one or two, I've never really been afraid of any of them.

So, how scary can you possibly be when I refer to you as "a guy I sucked face with in high school?" The worst part of my experience with you was when I WAS afraid of you. You were huge to me back then. Two heads above everyone else in the halls, I could see you coming from anywhere.

But today? Afraid...very afraid no less. As if.

It would seem as though you have no clue what I've been doing since we last met. So, big boy...I'll play along...what do you have that's so scary? I admit you're bright and that's a tad freaky with a guy but no scarier than the usual morons that I marry. (I must remember to stop marrying men who's names end in vowels. It would do all ladies well to remember that...unless you have a moustache, then I guess that's who you're supposed to marry.)

To frighten me, a guy would have to turn himself into a giant lizard or something like that. Otherwise, he's a mere mortal and I've got him covered.

Verbally, I don't lose. Many men have tried to freak me out from the first sentence they speak to me. I offer a witty retort and generally one that shuts others up. Then, I take a sip of my Margarita and I go on my way.

Emotionally, I'm hard as a rock. I open up occasionally, maybe when Leonid's Beads fly across the sky. But other than that, you can't shake me. I'm 4 steps ahead and always ready to sprint away. I fly over hurdles effortlessly and with a smile on my face.

Psychologically...well I guess this one is a toss up since I don't know what's buried in your crawlspace and you don't know what I have hiding in my attic.

Socially, I'm outgoing, friendly, bright and quite the quick witted female. Even if you were an "outgoing, friendly, bright and quick witted dude"...I have boobs. They break all ties.

Morally I'm stable...your rights end where mine begin. Simple enough.

Sexually...at my age, I'm not afraid of anything. When I was in my 20's I wasn't confident enough to sit up on a guy with no clothes on unless the lights were out. Now the lights are on and I am having some fun. I walk around naked and jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Anyway, I may not frighten people, but I have been known to raise a few eyebrows.

Now, what else is there...oh, intellectually...the jury's out on that one. Obviously I'm smarter than the average bear but the best I can say about you at this point is that you smarter than the average man. (Of course I did spend a lot of time with a couple of guys named "FillInTheBlank-vowel.) I'll figure it out as I go along. You best be on guard at this point.

Although I would never out you...this blog began with me outing my ex and since he still hasn't told me the truth...I don't mind speaking of him. He's the one whose penis is not only twisted, the head is smaller than the shaft. It looks kind of like a pencil with a worn out eraser. His IQ was definitely in the double digits. I can't say that he's the dumbest guy on the planet...because I haven't met them all yet. But I'm pretty sure he'd be up there with Gilligan, Gomer and Goober. He's a compulsive liar and possesses no honor whatsoever. Add to all of that, skid marks, smelly shoes, pungent body odor and a taint he just couldn't seem to get clean...and you have one frightening dude.

And you want to warn me? Bring it on big guy.