Alrighty Then

Americans can rest easily tonight, knowing that the justice system is hard at work protecting us all from dangerous thugs and despicable scum because "Mark Steven Phillips, 62, was arrested Thursday in his apartment at Century Village, Fla., a seniors community".

Worry not potential victims of theft, rape and murder, your tax dollars are being spent to secure our land and to assure that we are not only safe in our own homes but also free to venture, unharmed, outside of our homes should we feel the desire. Thank the heavens above, we can even vacation in Florida once again without fear that we may come across evil Mr. Phillips.

Although I can assure you that I personally would never harm another human being (nor have I ever been accused of such), the state of Illinois has also put me in my place and I will face trial on March 14th for a twenty year old traffic ticket. Prosecutors who were wearing Pampers when I committed my crime will see to it that I pay the penalty for an offense committed by a younger version of myself when most of my problems were "solved" by downing a large quantity of Michelob.

The fact that I have gone twenty years without harming, robbing or tickling viciously any living human means no more than does the fact that the above pictured Mr. Phillips has gone even longer, thirty years, without garnering so much as a speeding ticket. Let THAT be a lesson to anyone who feels as though clean and sober living for decades is a credible option once you have been accused by the ungodly long and apparently timeless arm of the law.

Consider not that, "unless the crime is exceptionally heinous in nature, social justice as enacted through law has compromised that lesser crimes from long ago are best let be rather than distract attention from contemporary serious crimes." Forgive not aging hippies who once found it interesting to engage in mind altering experiences. It was just such behavior that sparked the philosophy of "Make Love, Not War". We simply cannot allow citizens of that ilk to mingle along side the decent people.

Ignore the fact that marijuana is a "gateway drug" simply because the law forces users to enter an illegal gate which they wouldn't otherwise broach. That drug abuse is listed amongst diseases such as cancer and diabetes should not sway us either. Addiction stands relatively alone on the list of illnesses for which one can be incarcerated. That Mr. Phillips committed the egregious crime of providing weed to willing partiers is crime enough to warrant an actual warrant.

The fact that my aunt disappeared and hasn't been heard from in years, not even by her beloved grandchildren, isn't too much of an issue. That JonBenet Ramsey, Amanda Dowler and Christal Jones were tortured and murdered by persons unknown is no more important than is the fate of the countless other children for whom their parents mourn.

Family heirlooms stolen? Daughter raped? Mother missing? Seriously, can't you wait until Mr. Phillips is safely tucked away in some prison were he can never again darken the steps of the senior center where he's been living? Prisons overcrowded? Tax dollars spent? Families living with the shame and pain of an incarcerated loved one? Worry not, the police have taken Mark Phillips off of the streets and yours truly will face a judge before long.

Now we can all breath a collective sigh of relief.