WTF!!!!!

This afternoon I found myself thinking about Mel Gibson's line in The Patriot when he handed his kids shotguns and said, "Aim small, miss small, aim big miss big." I may have gotten that backwards but the point is the same and the advice sage. When attempting many things in life, that particular recommendation is worthy of consideration. Take the manipulation of men, for example. That is an enterprise best served by fastidious contemplation of details such as Mel's advice. He always plays the good guy so if he said it in a movie, it's most likely shrewd instruction. And he did, he said, "Aim small small miss small, aim big miss big." (Or the other way around.)So...what do I mean by that in a "manipulate a man" sort of way?

Manipulation of a men is always made easier, as are most successful undertakings, begun as early as possible. If you aren't any good at judging when that is, let me help you...it's sometime after you pee in front of him and well before you've started bending over naked in front of him. If you've waited that long, I can't wholeheartedly endorse these suggestions. But I think that they are pretty harmless one way or the other. I can guarantee that listening to me won't hurt you anymore than life would have hurt you on it's own. There's really not much more to be said about starting early...just do it.

OK step one may or may not be necessary, but it's never a bad idea. Your man may very well be attentive enough and if so, God bless you. But some of us look at a man watching TV and think, "He could be doing something for me."

If I look around and see that I want for nothing, I never forget that I am currently training a perfectly good man. I shouldn't ignore my duties no matter how easy is my life. If I should allow a man to go untrained, I help no one, much less the man himself. You're actually doing the man a favor because you know he's gonna have to learn sooner or later and if some woman had thought of that before, he wouldn't find himself in such a pickle NOW!

So, "What can I do when a man has tended to all of our needs, wants and desires?" Well, DUH!!! You can whine.

Whining is great when used judiciously. On top of that fact, it's almost a challenge to think of something to whine about when we are well cared for. But, it can be done. You simply whine...you make sounds like whimpering, only more annoying. You may think, "Babies whine!" You know, you're right, babies DO whine. And...it usually works. (But it won't work if you wait until after you've started bending over in front of him naked...or after you've stopped.)

If you can overcome the hurdle of exactly how annoying is good annoying, you're doing well...but some things just cannot be taught. Timing is very important here. But, most women know how to time things with their man. If they didn't, no productive bickering would ever take place. I have faith in your sense of timing, especially if you were smart enough to give manipulation it's due consideration. You have to be annoying enough to give him motivation, but not so annoying that he starts screwing his co-workers.

So, when you've chosen the time and location, you just start whining. I like to start and stop in between whines. It gives them a chance to pay attention to you and that is, after all, the purpose of any relationship. You always...ALWAYS...reward good behavior with positive reinforcement and the ccessation of whining is an appreciated reward. So, never whine any longer than is absolutely necessary.

Now, you will get a response...eventually. When you do, you can pretty much do whatever you want once you have his attention. I play it by ear since whining evokes such a varied list of responses.

Usually they like to start with a funny look followed by a few eyebrows raises. Usually, the first thing out of their mouths is, "What?" Your response would be, "Oh, nothing."

Then, when he turns back to whatever he was doing, whine some more. This time he will probably just ask you, in a slightly brisk tone, "What do you want!?!?" We've already established that you want for nothing so you can just say something stupid like, "I need a hug." or "Whatcha thinkin'?

The best possible response from a man? That's simple. It's also a response I just got today. The dude simply whines back.

OK then...go practice. I know I'll be practicing. Then, I'll be back.