Have you ever dated...
...a person who has done quite a bit of stand up comedy? If you have been so blessed, allow me to give you a couple of helpful hints.
First, and foremost, never make the mistake my ex-husband made...do not treat your potentially humorous spouse like dirt. That is unless, of course, you are one of those crazy people who enjoys being the butt of jokes. And, should you be asinine enough to treat that potentially humorous spouse like dirt, do not leave them alone with nothing but a bad attitude and a computer. If you do, don't be surprised to find yourself the subject of a blog.
Now, my next helpful hint is one you may or may not care to employ. If you enjoy humorous sex, go for it. But if you don't, do not, let me repeat that...DO NOT refer to your penis as a microphone.
In the past (I don't care to give you any clue as to how distant or recent this past is), I was told by a man to "Speak into the microphone."...leaving me with with 2 options. The first option was, of course, for me to laugh out loud. I sometimes think funny stuff that causes me to inexplicably giggle uncontrollably. Being asked to treat a penis like a microphone has far too many potential punch lines. Sometimes I would have kept the punch lines to myself and giggled. But, this time I chose option number 2.
I spoke into the microphone.
Grasping the microphone at it's base firmly with my left hand and speaking DIRECTLY into it, I said, "A horse walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Receiving the laughter that stand up comics so desperately require, I continued on with my set. "A black guy, a muslim and an Hispanic man walked into a bar. The bartender said, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Now I was on a roll.
"What's black and blue and says "NO!"? The bitch in my trunk."
"Why are so many women being abused by their husbands? They just don't listen!!!"
The nice thing about being alone with a microphone and the owner of the microphone is that you can make jokes that you can't make in public for fear of being branded with the hideous moniker "Politically Incorrect". But, apparently, even horny men have their limits and I eventually (as I seem to do quite a bit) pushed that envelop.
The microphone owner said, "Just get on with the blow job!" Now, being a stickler for grammar, double entendres and the correct use of the language, I did exactly that.
Did you know that no matter how hard you blow into a dick, it never gets any bigger?
...a person who has done quite a bit of stand up comedy? If you have been so blessed, allow me to give you a couple of helpful hints.
First, and foremost, never make the mistake my ex-husband made...do not treat your potentially humorous spouse like dirt. That is unless, of course, you are one of those crazy people who enjoys being the butt of jokes. And, should you be asinine enough to treat that potentially humorous spouse like dirt, do not leave them alone with nothing but a bad attitude and a computer. If you do, don't be surprised to find yourself the subject of a blog.
Now, my next helpful hint is one you may or may not care to employ. If you enjoy humorous sex, go for it. But if you don't, do not, let me repeat that...DO NOT refer to your penis as a microphone.
In the past (I don't care to give you any clue as to how distant or recent this past is), I was told by a man to "Speak into the microphone."...leaving me with with 2 options. The first option was, of course, for me to laugh out loud. I sometimes think funny stuff that causes me to inexplicably giggle uncontrollably. Being asked to treat a penis like a microphone has far too many potential punch lines. Sometimes I would have kept the punch lines to myself and giggled. But, this time I chose option number 2.
I spoke into the microphone.
Grasping the microphone at it's base firmly with my left hand and speaking DIRECTLY into it, I said, "A horse walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Why the long face?"
Receiving the laughter that stand up comics so desperately require, I continued on with my set. "A black guy, a muslim and an Hispanic man walked into a bar. The bartender said, "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Now I was on a roll.
"What's black and blue and says "NO!"? The bitch in my trunk."
"Why are so many women being abused by their husbands? They just don't listen!!!"
The nice thing about being alone with a microphone and the owner of the microphone is that you can make jokes that you can't make in public for fear of being branded with the hideous moniker "Politically Incorrect". But, apparently, even horny men have their limits and I eventually (as I seem to do quite a bit) pushed that envelop.
The microphone owner said, "Just get on with the blow job!" Now, being a stickler for grammar, double entendres and the correct use of the language, I did exactly that.
Did you know that no matter how hard you blow into a dick, it never gets any bigger?
posted by Meg Kelso | 8:25 AM
1 Comments:
That's true.
But the other head does.
Tundra Woman
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