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Friday, April 06, 2012

Good morning!

I just got back from a really long jaunt from Tampa to Daytona Beach and then north up the coast to New York City and then down an inland route to Roanoke, Virginia and south to The Varsity in Atlanta and after I had my hot dogs from The Varsity, I got behind the wheel and drove south to Tampa in 7 hours.

When I got home I noticed that I had locked a lock on the door that had no key. I had to break into my own house by crawling into my own bedroom window, face first (it was a tall window) and I had to crawl down the floor with my feet holding me in the window. My chances at falling in were 50/50 and luckily, I didn't fall until I got really close to the floor so I was OK but I freaked myself out on the way down thinking that if gravity really wanted to, it could send too much blood into my brain and then cause my head to explode. Luckily, I toppled over before any of that occurred. So, basically, I'm fine as of NOW.

On my trip I was in a conversation about the recent birth control controversy in Washington (another place I hit on my trip) and when asked my opinion, I really had none. Birth control for other women has never been an issue for me and it's not a parade I would march in today. I DO have my own opinions, however.

Somehow, after close to 40 years of having sex, I have managed to get pregnant 3 times. I kept myself from procreating in numerous ways over the years and since there seem to be some women who can't figure out how to avoid pregnancy without taking up a collection, I thought that I would offer a few ideas to them. So, here are some tips for any women out there who find themselves having trouble with birth control:

1. Avoid sex.
2. Avoid sex with men who can't afford birth control.
3. Avoid sex during your fertile period.

Now, I know that all 3 of those tips are not specifically helpful for everyone so you can choose any one of them and roll with that course of action. I have found that any one of them works well when used alone. So, it isn't as though you don't have options unless you find yourself in a homeless shelter without a calender. If that should happen, I refer you to tip #1.

Now, do I care if the government pays for birth control? Nope. It doesn't affect me at all. BUT...one thing that does seem to affect AND annoy me is the fact that government funded insurance DOES pay for Viagra. That is a problem because men who otherwise would simply flop around in the dark hours of the evening can actually achieve an erection thanks to Uncle Sam.

More than once I have found myself thinking, "If our government would stay out of the sex business, I wouldn't be lying here, rolling my eyes and cursing to myself." I don't know why the goverment can't handle the erection that they caused.

It just occurred to me that many women think that they must have sex or lose their men. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I have learned one thing that has caused me much grief; saying "NO!" seems to keep a man around longer than saying, "Oh, sure, let's have sex." Unfortunately, the only time that didn't work was when I was dating my idiot ex-husband. Screwing him did not cause him to leave but I guess I didn't think about having sex with some creep who doesn't get much. But, for the most part, the men who have been the most persistent of all are the ones to whom I have refused entry.

Now, I don't know if that helps any of you, but if it does, good. If not, let me know why so that I can tweak my tips for avoiding pregnancy. You will be doing your country a service and that is always a good thing.

Before I go, I should add this thought...if you cause a pregnancy, tend to it. If you cause an erection, tend to THAT. I think America would be a much happier place if people took responsibility for their own actions. But that's just me.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yep, the government sure does pay for Pecker Pills. For many years the vets I worked with were able to make "ahhh....commodations" with their female partners (and male ones as well) and all seemed to be OK on the PTSD front. In fact the VA is such a huge fan of pharmaceuticals I was amazed these people could still walk and talk considering the med list-pages worth. Then without warning came these 4 pills per month in the mail along with the rest of the bags of drugs that the rural postal person hung on the flags of the mailboxes because the box was stuffed with the last 2 months of pharmaceuticals (yes, they send drugs to dead people but that's another story.) All hell broke loose with the partners: After years of relative domestic peace, now the vets were gonna "git some." I had partners calling me frantically asking how to stop the VA from making their lives hell AGAIN. Once you get on that automated refill system they don't care if you're dead, you're gettin' your Pecker Pills. And the partners who had made "accommodations" were now on the receiving end of wildcat drilling expeditions after years of vaginal atrophy.
These women were pissed and desperate to stop further torment-many wailed, "No one at the VA asked ME about THIS!" (So what else is new?) As far as I could see their only hope was to get to the mailbox first. Now we have a thriving grey market in "Pecker Pills" in addition to "Happy Pills" (pain meds.)
In the spirit of Bartering/Poverty-Encrusted Rural Living the current "rate" is a minimum of 3 Happy Pills (depending on type) for 1 Pecker Pill.
Winters are looong here and gettin' a whole lot longer thanks to the VA.
Tundra Woman

May 10, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

LMAO! I was thinking exactly what you said, the damned pecker pills should be accompanied by enough happy pills (whatever they may be) for the poor sap on the receiving end. Also, they should send a bottle of foreplay in a bottle for lubrication because these newly re-found peckers never seem to be attached to anyone willing to perform actually foreplay.

May 11, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

BTW...it WAS the VA I was referring to. Damn those idiots! I never thought of calling them and bitching. I can't imagine that it would work.

:(

May 11, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, it doesn't-if for no other reason than you can't get a human being on the other end of the phone. Ever. Doesn't mater if your house is surrounded by a SWAT Team, the Choppers are flying overhead, the bullhorns are blaring with all kinds of faux promises while you're holding your wife, your mistress, her mother, your mother, 11 kids, 7 dogs, 15 cats and a parakeet hostage: Dial the VA for "Assistance" and I guarantee this will not have a "positive conclusion" for the phone, the pets or the people.
Since this is a remote "scenic" area (cue the theme song from "Deliverance") we live up close and personal with nature. Sex education like most other facts of life is learned from observations of the natural world. Many of the locals drop out of school at 16/after the 8th grade which often occurs concurrently so there was no exposure to "Health Classes." Doesn't matter if the male has a brain the size of a pin-head, they know they're vulnerable to predators during the act of procreation. Consequently the whole phenomena of "Hop On, Hop Off" ensues, all of which can be viewed with the "nekkid eye" or the Spotting Scope you normally use to spy on your neighbors. (Hard-core animal porn in your backyard-someone call Rush L. or Howard S.; the former could rave about it, the latter could participate in a three-way.)
So Meg, it wouldn't matter if you could bottle "Foreplay." They'd probably think it was some sort of strange smelling pee you use to attract critters and they'd just pour it below their tree stands/out the back window. (Then bitch because it "doesn't work.") But thanks to the VA they too can once again engage in the whole "Hop On, Hop Off" with the unsuspecting, unwitting and often unwilling partner. (Or as one woman told me, "It's the hard-on from hell." I'll take her word for it, thanks.) As if dousing these guys with Agent Orange and telling them they were "spraying for mosquitos" wasn't bad enough, we've got 60+yr. old guys thinking they're 16 again and 60+yr. old women screaming and it isn't from pleasure. (Where's the U.N. when you need 'em? We have Human Rights Violations/Torture unfolding here with impunity.) Despite their best efforts to be "accommodating," after the 1st of the month there isn't a bottle of lube to be found anywhere.
Unless it's in the cupboard or garage. No, we won't go there.
Tundra Woman

May 11, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

You crack me up. I wish you were close, I could hang with you!

May 11, 2012  

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