AMEN! Let it out sweetie! Anger is a good thing, and one of the easiest emotions you are going to deal with going through the healing process... take it from me, I have been through the cycle.

AHHHH! Somebody who gets it! I knew there were people who got it! Yeah, that's all it is. I could take an ouzi and aim it at somebody, but this is so much easier and much more pleasant. I feel so much better now.

For some reason, I awoke this morning with an ache in my gut, one that I hadn't felt in months. I don't know where it came from and I don't know why it was there, but it irritated me becaue I thought that I was over all of that crap. It was odd, I heard the morning news, it reminded me of Rick, and the next thing I knew, I was angry again. Oh well, I'm over it now.

I think that I need to move out of this house. There is just too much here that makes me think of that bum. I just really afford to go anywhere. That sucks, I can't afford to stay either. It would have been so nice if we could have dissolved the marraige in a way that was easier on both of us, but this way works too. I can just explode every so often, I haven't hurt anybody...yet.

OK, I have felt like crap all day, I took a nap and woke up feeling a little better. I woke up full of sweat this morning, I don't know why, I felt so bad in every way possible. The nap was a good thing, it made me sleep through the crappy feeling but now that I'm awake, I don't know what to do. I can't just sleep all the time and I hate feeling so bad. Sometimes I really think that this is too hard. I can hear people whining back at me as though I have no reason to feel sorry for myself and that irritates me because when somebody feels like crap, they feel like crap! You can't help the way you feel, the best that you can do is find some way to deal with it and this is the way I choose to do it. Someday soon I will read this and feel like an idiot for writing it all, but for now, screw it.

I try so hard to be happy but sometimes I'm just not. I think that I've done pretty well so far. It could be much worse. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this. I know that I'm better off without the lying shithead, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with being sick. Especially after being a nurse for so many years and taking care of other people when they were sick. I don't think that anyone should go through this all alone. I wonder why these things happen to good people?

I wish that summer would end, I hate hot and this is some kind of new and improved hot that we have here. It's also muggy and that doesn't help whatever this sick feeling is. I am sweating like a pig from being sick and then to have the weather be so crappy...I am sure that I will feel better once it cools off some. I like weather where you can wear a sweater, not too cold and not too hot. When I was a kid, I loved the fall. I still do. I would walk all over the neighborhood and back into the woods near our house. That was fun, the worst thing that I had to worry about was which one of my brothers would go into my room and take my records.

OK, whatever. Now I think that I will go get dressed and go somewhere. I need to be careful because there is a fuse blown or something in my car and it has the tail lights blown out. I think it happened when I pulled my friend's garage down. I will get pulled over if a cop sees it. I use hand signals when I turn although my son said that they will still pull me over. I don't know why they would, it shouldn't be an offense to have a blown fuse. My son tried to fix it but it blew again so I don't know what's wrong, something expensive I'm sure.

So, into the shower I am headed, I'll see you soon.

Meg

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