Dear Meg,

Why are you still so angry at your husband? Don’t you ever feel bad about writing this stuff about the man that you loved for so long?

Nope. I would have if he had given me something that every long term relationship deserves, closure. He could have told me the truth. He could have given me that one last hug that I deserved after all the time that I gave him. He could have told me that he was so sad that it ended. He could have kissed me good bye. He could have told me that I would always hold a special place in his heart. He could have said that our years together meant something, anything. He could have told me that he really did love me but something went wrong. He could have said that we really did have a lovely life at one time. He could have said goodbye.

Instead, he hurt me. He left me when I could barely stand up. I had no one to tell me that everything would be alright. I had no one to tell me that I really was worth loving and that sooner or later, it would be ok. I had no one to say, “You know, you are a wonderful woman and someone will be happy to have you.” There was no one to say, “I will always remember you.”

I didn’t know he was cheating on me. One day he was in love with me and the next day he despised me. I didn’t see it coming. I was happily married one day and the next day, my husband, the man who told me that, “No matter how many years go by, when I look at you, I still see the face that I saw the first day we met.”, now told me that he couldn’t stand to look at me. He used to tell me things like, “I think that we were born to be with each other.” and “If I couldn’t be with you, I would never want to be with anyone.” And then, one day he just couldn’t find it in his heart to hold me as I was hurting. I was left to wonder. I was left to hurt all by myself. I was left to reach for my husband at night only to find that he was gone.

Do I feel bad? No, I felt bad enough. There was no one to help me feel better. There was no one to call me every so often to see how I was doing. There was no one to be my friend for life even though that was the promise that he made me. I was left to wonder what my life had been given for. I was left to cry alone and to ache alone for so long that I don’t even remember when the aching started or when it ended. I don’t know how I ever could have foreseen that, in my worst nightmares I never thought that he would leave me the way he did. I couldn’t understand why this was all happening and I didn’t know who to tell, who to ask, who to hold on to. It was like falling and not knowing how to slow down, how to rest, how to take a breathe before I would fall some more.

One day I had no lover, no friend, no husband. One day I had nobody at all. I had no warning, no cushion, no soft place to land. The cheek that he used to kiss was bruised and the body that he used to love was sick. The man that always took care of me didn’t care if I lived or died. One day the man who was my partner against the world was now my enemy and I had no partner to stand against him or anyone anymore. I didn’t deserve that, nobody does. I didn’t deserve to be hit, nobody does. The betrayal was to much for me and to this day, I haven’t had that one thing that would have made it all easier to bear, a simple goodbye and an “I will always remember you.”

I felt bad then, I don’t feel bad anymore. If he had said goodbye, I would never have acted like I did. It wasn’t so much his betrayal of our marriage as it was the total betrayal of our entire life together that hurt me so much. He left me to wonder what all of the years were for, there was nothing left but me, standing there, confused and lonely, totally alone, without a single smile to be found. I stayed like that for months before I wrote anything...wondering when the Goodbye phone call would come, dreading it, but knowing that we had to say goodbye sometime. But, it never came. He never said Goodbye. So, I got angry and I started this blog. And you ask me if I feel bad about what I’ve said about him? Nope. I can‘t afford to feel bad for him, he never felt anything for me.

Meg