Good morning!

Well, it’s ALREADY the second day of 2006...can you believe that? This year is going by so quickly. It seems like just last week we were planning our New Year’s Eve’s parties. I followed my annual tradition of going to bed as soon as I get tired and I seem to get tired no later than 10:30. I’m so much fun.

I went out for New Year’s 1979. A snowstorm hit and all the nuts were out...the roads were like bumper cars only they made more noise. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and I told God that if He would just let me get homed unscathed, I would never go out on New Year’s Eve again. He did and I haven’t. I don’t know how I managed it, but I was sober enough to remember every bit of driving home that night...it was awful. I would go through red lights and the cops would just wave at me. They knew that there was no training for a car that doesn’t respond to what you’re trying to have it do when there’s ice on the road. They couldn’t waste time with me, there were 5 cars smashed down the road.

I even got by in a regular old rain one night when I found myself in the left turn lane at a red light. There was a cop stopped at the red light as well and that always freaks me out. My brain stops. (That’s why I almost hit that cop down the street from me. From his point of view, a stopped car just lurched forward to attack him. I hit the brakes when I saw him. But anyway, I do get stupid when I see a cop.) Then, it occurred to me that I didn’t want to be going left anyway so I went straight. There was never any reason for me to be in the left turn lane....and I don’t know why I was there.

So, a moment after I went straight, I realized that I never waited for the light to turn green and that I had just driven through a red light...from the left turn lane...in front of a cop. The blue lights went on. I pulled over and didn’t know what to say. I was so pleased to see a laughing lady cop in my side view. Thank God that woman had a good sense of humor. The dudes never do.

So, in between guffaws, she asked me what in the hell I was doing. I tried to explain to her what I just explained to you and she seemed to totally get what I meant and she just waved me on, just cracking up...never once asking me for my license. Women cops don’t seem to do that on a regular basis like dude cops do. I don’t know why...just my own little study. I guess she knew exactly how it felt to do something so totally brain dead that it shouldn’t be a crime and that in these cases, it’s really best for society if we just let these women go. Airhead should never be a criminal offense...unless it causes major harm. But, If I catch myself before the airhead attack has hurt anybody...no harm; no foul.

Society doesn’t need to pay to incarcerate women who’s minds are not where they should be. Total distraction is not a crime. That’s my cause celebre for the year. Free the Airheads.

Airheads in jail say stupid things like this to guards, “I can’t eat this. Have you TASTED this crap?” and, “You CANNOT expect me to wear these...just give me my own panties back.” Then the guards pick on them and that means that the GP (general population, for those not in the know) can have your ass. That’s just not right. So, for this and many other reasons, Free the Airheads.

Free the women who bend over to get that tube of lipstick from the right front corner of the passenger floorboard. Even if her car did hit a cops' car...it can’t be criminal to be stupid so why should the consequences of such stupidity be criminal? Morons get off of death rows for being too stupid to be fried. Shouldn’t an airhead get that same respect?

Well, that’s what I think anyway. Of course, I am a TOTAL airhead and I admit it. I find myself thinking the dumbest stuff when I should be paying attention and then my car has no keys. It’s not that I’m NOT thinking, it’s just that I’m thinking about something totally different. Sometimes I go...“Now pay attention...you’re putting the keys in the DRAWER...DO NOT FORGET!” That memory can stay with me anywhere from 2 seconds to 2 weeks. After that....it’s gone.

My head has an interesting traffic pattern. Sometimes the brain has little neuron wrecks. One neuron will be saying, “I put those 8 hundred dollar bills in the kitchen cabinet.” and a totally different neuron will smack into it saying....“Answer the damn phone!” The next thing I know, I can’t find the rent money. And then there are times when I have little airhead jams and the brain messages just go to the wrong places. That's how the car keys end up in the freezer.

I even forget to listen when some people speak to me. It’s kind of funny, I always seem to play it off but some guys have told me that I had a “faraway look”. I want to laugh out loud when I hear that. I am fully aware of the fact that I had just had a total brain fart and knew nothing of what he had said. Faraway. Yeah, I was faraway alright.

Oh well, it’s not that I don’t care and there isn’t anything you can do to fix this...it’s a total reality that would have been changed years ago if it could have been. But...if you could fix this on your own, you wouldn’t have the problem. So, until they develop a treatment for airheadedness....let’s just be a little kinder to them.