Meg,

"...Trust shouldn't be blind..."

I don't think I ever said that I would give out blind trust. I just know that I want someone who would take my blind trust and hold it too sacred to break.

If I can't have a man worthy of blind trust, I don't want one at all. Actually, what I want is a man that I know so well that I KNOW he wouldn't betray me. Maybe that's too much to hope for, I don't know. But it's what I want and I won't settle for anything less.

I want a man who, if he's late, is in trouble. I want to be able to worry about him, not who he's with. I want a man who I can trust to go someplace without me. I want to be able to go to sleep alone knowing that wherever he is, he's doing the same. I want a man that has the qualities that makes one a decent, honorable person. I've spent enough time being suspicious. I won't do it anymore. Maybe that trust of mine is hard to dole out, but I have it and I want to use it. It's rusty and old, but it's still there. If I have to go around testing his loyalty, I don't want him.

Testing him would mean that I have a problem, not that he does. (I'm not talking about a guy who has given me reason to wonder, I mean a perfectly nice guy who hasn't done a thing wrong.) I could set the guy up, but that would be like winning to Rick's betrayal and I won't do it. Enough damage has been done to my ability to love another person, I won't contribute to the damage myself.

I don't know the particulars, but I did ask some questions the other day. You guys were all right, the marital breakdown wasn't on him. He didn't even want the divorce. He tried as hard as he could to prevent it. I know him well enough to know that he would have done anything that he thought was good for his boys, even at the expense of his own happiness.

Anyway, I was thinking about this whole trust issue. It's not really as though I need to trust HIM as much as I need to trust MYSELF. I'm smart enough not to fall for a guy who isn't trustworthy and I need to trust in THAT. I have learned a few things. I've learned to consider things a lot more and I've learned to be smart enough to think with my head. I can walk away from a guy so easily that they stand there swaying in the wind stunned. And when I do it, I'm so comfortable with it that I can walk away with a smile on my face, ready to go on to someone new.

The ability to do that along with my love for men and hanging out with them is to blame for my hobby of dating a bunch of men once or twice. Occasionally I meet one that I date for a while but not so long that feelings get hurt when I walk away. If it seems as though I date a lot of men, it's because it's true. I do. I don't fuck them all, but I've fucked a couple of them. There was a comment a bit back that said I "bounced" too much when it comes to men. I can see why someone who didn't know me would think that. But it's not as though I have deep feelings for any of them. Cheek Dude is the first one that I've even bothered with in a VERY long time. All I do with these guys is go out and have fun. They enjoy it and I get a free night out. No one gets hurt.

As I said, I don't bounce, I collect. I collect men. I have a few good ones right now. I seem to be going through a lucky streak in that department lately. But of all of them, Cheek Dude is the only one with whom I'm cultivating anything more than a friendship. The men that I've dated and liked have mostly just turned into my friends. I've remained friends with a lot of them and they would help me out if I needed it. I'm developing a list of "people to call if I breakdown in the middle of nowhere". I had one of those when I lived in Virginia, and it's taken me 13 years and cost me a marriage to get one that I can use here in Georgia.

Cheek Dude is smelling my perfume after I've left his place and telling me about it. He said that it makes him smile. I just find that so sweet that I can't think ill of him at all. He may give me a reason some day...but until he does, I'm just gonna smile with him.