"...I know for sure I'm a better...
...less selfish, person than I was in my first relationship..."
Yeah, it's nice if you can grow up and actually think about your behavior and learn from it. It's called being considerate. Obviously a lot of us are able to learn and respect other people more. It comes from experience. Most of us don't want to cause hurt feelings or be responsible for someone who's feeling badly. That's what molds us into the people that we are. Or, if we never consider anyone else's feelings, we never change.
I was thinking earlier, if given a chance, would I rather be the person who cheated or the person who did the cheating? I thought that I'd want to be the person who was cheated on. I would find it easier to live with the hurt than the guilt. Then it occurred to me that people who would do such a thing probably wouldn't worry about the pain they cause.
I have no idea how old you are but that comment shows maturity that some people never attain. I would think that going through all the things that a gay man must go through would certainly tend to help create a thoughtful adult. I don't want to generalize, but it does seem to me that people who have had to jump a bunch of extraordinary hurdles in life are usually quite considerate and thoughtful. Gay, straight or something in between, that makes for a decent human being.
"...But you know what you want and I'm sure there is one for you!..."
Actually, I have no idea what I want! I do know what I don't want, I don't want a dishonest person. Whether or not Cheek Dude is the one for me, I certainly have been learning a lot since I've been seeing him. And, I've been thinking a lot about it all as well.
I keep thinking that something must be wrong with him but every time I actually THINK about it, I realize that he's acting like he likes me. As I said, we saw each other almost every day this week and today I had the kids so we didn't see each other but he called and we chatted for an hour and a half on the phone. We talked about BUGS! For all that time, we sat in front of our computers finding scary looking bugs and sending them to each other.
How many guys would sit on the phone with anyone for that long saying, "Ick!"? After that phone call it occurred to me that he is acting like he likes me. Everything that he does is what a guy would do with a chick that he liked. It's odd. I can see it with my brain but I can't feel it in my heart. I'm figuring out something here. It's gonna take a lot longer than I ever thought it would to trust someone else again.
I didn't think it would be a problem, at least not this much of one. Although Cheek Dude's actions are the actions of a man who likes a woman, I can't quite accept the fact that he could really like me. That constant listening for that other shoe is ridiculous. He hasn't done a thing to make me distrust him. It's not really that I don't trust him, it's more like I feel as though I don't deserve someone who is that trustworthy.
He called a while ago to say good-night and before we hung up, I asked him if I could have him for tomorrow night. He wanted to know what I had in mind. I told him that I didn't think that far, I just wanted to reserve him for tomorrow night. The kids will be back Sunday so I wanted to spend a bit more time with him before they get home. He was cool with that.
One way or another, it'll take me a long time to be able to feel comfortable in a relationship again. I didn't have any idea how bad it was until I met this great guy whom I just can't seem to believe in. But...I AM willing to try!
...less selfish, person than I was in my first relationship..."
Yeah, it's nice if you can grow up and actually think about your behavior and learn from it. It's called being considerate. Obviously a lot of us are able to learn and respect other people more. It comes from experience. Most of us don't want to cause hurt feelings or be responsible for someone who's feeling badly. That's what molds us into the people that we are. Or, if we never consider anyone else's feelings, we never change.
I was thinking earlier, if given a chance, would I rather be the person who cheated or the person who did the cheating? I thought that I'd want to be the person who was cheated on. I would find it easier to live with the hurt than the guilt. Then it occurred to me that people who would do such a thing probably wouldn't worry about the pain they cause.
I have no idea how old you are but that comment shows maturity that some people never attain. I would think that going through all the things that a gay man must go through would certainly tend to help create a thoughtful adult. I don't want to generalize, but it does seem to me that people who have had to jump a bunch of extraordinary hurdles in life are usually quite considerate and thoughtful. Gay, straight or something in between, that makes for a decent human being.
"...But you know what you want and I'm sure there is one for you!..."
Actually, I have no idea what I want! I do know what I don't want, I don't want a dishonest person. Whether or not Cheek Dude is the one for me, I certainly have been learning a lot since I've been seeing him. And, I've been thinking a lot about it all as well.
I keep thinking that something must be wrong with him but every time I actually THINK about it, I realize that he's acting like he likes me. As I said, we saw each other almost every day this week and today I had the kids so we didn't see each other but he called and we chatted for an hour and a half on the phone. We talked about BUGS! For all that time, we sat in front of our computers finding scary looking bugs and sending them to each other.
How many guys would sit on the phone with anyone for that long saying, "Ick!"? After that phone call it occurred to me that he is acting like he likes me. Everything that he does is what a guy would do with a chick that he liked. It's odd. I can see it with my brain but I can't feel it in my heart. I'm figuring out something here. It's gonna take a lot longer than I ever thought it would to trust someone else again.
I didn't think it would be a problem, at least not this much of one. Although Cheek Dude's actions are the actions of a man who likes a woman, I can't quite accept the fact that he could really like me. That constant listening for that other shoe is ridiculous. He hasn't done a thing to make me distrust him. It's not really that I don't trust him, it's more like I feel as though I don't deserve someone who is that trustworthy.
He called a while ago to say good-night and before we hung up, I asked him if I could have him for tomorrow night. He wanted to know what I had in mind. I told him that I didn't think that far, I just wanted to reserve him for tomorrow night. The kids will be back Sunday so I wanted to spend a bit more time with him before they get home. He was cool with that.
One way or another, it'll take me a long time to be able to feel comfortable in a relationship again. I didn't have any idea how bad it was until I met this great guy whom I just can't seem to believe in. But...I AM willing to try!
posted by Meg Kelso | 3:45 PM
7 Comments:
Meg, Just a reminder- my H cheated but he lives everyday in remorse- he is a good man who screwed up. I have been a cheater Meg- not in my marriage, but with BF's in the long ago past and it is Not pleasant to live with. That's one of the reasons I've had a bit more compassion for my H. Personally I believe it can happen to anyone given the right set of circumstances for that person. Now- serial cheaters who have compulsive behaviors are a different category and have different issues all together.
He does sound like a keeper, but I can understand how hard it is to trust again.
Sometimes I think I never will.
And that's OK. I can't imagine what possible circumstances under which I would cheat on a man that I loved. BUT...I've made my own mistakes in life. I think if we can learn from our mistakes, whatever they are, then we do deserve trust. It's just hard for me to actually DO that. I want to, I don't like the fact that Rick killed my ability to trust a man easily. I just have to find some way to do it.
:(
Put yourself out of your misery and test him. First of all, where did you find him?
If you found him on a dating site, the test would be easy. Create another dating profile of a woman whom you think he'd like, and flirt with him. Ask him questions like, "Are you currently seeing someone." See how he answers.
If not - create a fake email account.
Tell him that your name is Jessica, you're 35 years old, that you've seen him around and you really, really, like him and that you'd like to know where "we can meet so as to express my feelings for you"
Then see if he tells you about the emails - OR better yet, when the two of you's (that'd be "Jessica" and cheek dude) decide where to meet, see if he actually goes to meet her.
I could always find a way to set him up if I wanted to. But, as with any other person, give them enough rope and they'll hang themself.
I'm enjoying him too much to ruin it now. I'd like to find a way to trust a guy based on faith...that's my goal. Even if he passed some test that I set up, he could still deceive me in some other way. I can't cover all of the bases so I'll just "roll with it" for now.
Now, if this were Rick, I would absolutel need to do stuff like this to get to the truth.
And remember, I'm still seeing a couple of other guys myself! That doesn't take away my feelings for this guy...but it does keep me safe from losing ALL my eggs...I have them in a few different baskets.
:
Trust shouldn't be blind. To me -I trust myself to be able to deal with whatever life throws at me. I trust that I can't catch every possible deception but I do the best I can. I trust others as far as they've showed me they can be trusted- and that level of trust is always adjustable.I trust that people are doing- mostly- the best they can. Tough issue- One step at a time Meg!
I just went out with him again and every time he gets better and better. Damn, he's a good one!
:):):)
PS My granddaughter is here so I have to go play with her!
See ya soon!
Meg
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