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Friday, February 04, 2011


The 13 year old boy is the most hideous creature known to other aged people.
The only reason that they don't have 2 schools that meet in 7th grade is because middle school children would, either; kill the little ones or be killed by the big ones...if not each other. No one else deserves to be subjected to these hellions so they stick 'em all in one place and call it middle school.
The inhabitants, even the good ones, feel full of self, full of brains and "smellin' their own piss". (I don't know what that means but my grandmother said it a lot.) I raised my 3 and said a fond farewell to them years ago. They're all married and doing fine. There's no reason that I should be subject to another 13 year old but there's one about 10 feet away from me and the only thing that keeps him from killing me is the fear of jail and the fact that I still have a few inches on him. Next year the latter will be gone and I'll have to depend on scaring the hell out of him when it comes to jail. I can do that easily enough without tarrying far from the truth.
If you read my last post you might remember that I made mention of a certain 13 year old boy who was annoying me at the time. He isn't bothering me right now, the sane personality is here today. The pleasant young man is actually fun to talk to because he's beginning to get those jokes that parents usually direct over a kid's head. He gets the subtle nuances of my humor and that's always good. So, I've finally found my current conversational equal and he is a 13 year old boy. Ironic because ever since 8th grade I have despised whatever 13 year old I was near.
This one has a personality that visited the other day and refused to shovel snow after a blizzard. If 2 feet of snow is the problem, two 52 year old women, one with a heart condition, one with a brain condition and both possessing few intact vertebrae, are not the solution. A 13 year old boy, on the other hand, is exactly what the situation calls for. This one refused to do it and the Excuse Factory personality was here at the time. I told his mother to stop arguing with him because after 2 snow days, I could snap at any time.
I can't lose my temper with him, that's the first and most frequent signal to the child that you have totally lost control and that can't be because the kid hasn't even learned control yet. I avoid the first sign of weakness by maintaining a frightening degree of self control and reticence around children and men.
I can't beat the tar out of him because of the intake process of any jail you might choose. If they'd send me straight to a work detail on some Virginia mountainside, I'd attack the kid now. But I absolutely despise the booking process and the accompanying Classification. They could really punish most people simply by letting them pull the first 72 hours over and over again. After that it's nowhere near as bad as one might think.
I can't kill him, his mom would be really mad at me and I don't think I could hopscotch out of a murder charge. That, too, would involve a booking process anyway so it's out for 2 reasons.
I chose instead to give the young man wannabee exactly what he was giving me...nothing. He didn't want to shovel his mother's car out of the driveway or make it so that I could safely, and without thigh high boots, walk comfortably to the mailbox. We didn't ask much, considering the possibilities. He should have been out there the first day offering to help some neighbor with a snow blower so that the guy would be happy to blow in return. But, he was busy working at the Excuse Factory and any physical labor would have proven his visit to the factory pointless. If you ask this kid to walk up 2 steps, he'll climb the entire staircase to show you why he can't climb the other 2. It's incredible. I myself, did not make excuses, I simply served him as he was serving the family.
I went on 13 year old Excuse Boy strike. I stopped doing his laundry, told him not to even ASK for pancakes and our pleasant conversations ceased.
Considering how sweet I usually am, it can annoy a person to be deprived of me. Punishment decided. I told him why (with no excuses) I was being such a "not nice" person. "As long as your mother is snowed in and I can't safely walk down the stairs, you will be receiving no further family privileges from yours truly." That shut him up and lowered my blood pressure considerably.
Well, it took 24 hours but the kid finally relented...or so he says. I haven't seen the driveway yet. But, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for chatting purposes. I won't fry a single pancake until that SUV is out of the driveway and yesterday's mail is in the house...dry, but I will let him be a part of a scintillating conversation.
Suddenly he's the normal kid who I rather like. Go figure.


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