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Friday, June 08, 2012

I Just LOVE To Laugh...

...and when I get the giggles...nothing, not even my father wielding his thinnest Dick Tracy belt or his widest Brady Bunch era belt, can stop me. When I'm confronted with a person who has been stung by the giggle bug, I know better than to try to stop them from laughing. The harder someone tries to make me stop, the funnier their efforts become and their anger becomes the spinach to my funny bicep. Earlier this spring, my current squeeze asked me to "Speak into the microphone" which evoked a string of one liners spoken directly into his "microphone". As you might imagine, a horny dude that close to a blow job doesn't see humor in much. So, after I cracked wise twice, I started to lose my audience.

I spend a lot of time  alone...even if there's someone around, I'm miles away. (I meet so few intriguing people and let's face it, it takes a lot to intrigue a person such as myself.) During my time spent with me, I think a bunch of stuff and sometimes that stuff is funny. I make me laugh and laugh and laugh. I find me very entertaining and when I'm at my humorous best, I'm quite a hoot. At these times, I enjoy me the most. To be brutally honest, I'm one of my favorite people...certainly in my top 2. So, as I grabbed that microphone, I found me enthralling. It was some of my best work but I wasn't surprised that it was not well received. Eventually, my audience turned on me and walked out...and I came dangerously close to laughing myself into a heart attack.

After a nice show (with great seats!) we had another encounter and he did it again. This time he said, "Sing into the microphone." You'd think he'd learn...wouldn't you? The first song that came to mind was '"I Could Have Danced All Night'. After a few bars, he stopped laughing and said, "I don't like show music." I know  he likes rock and roll so I started singing 'Build Me Up Buttercup'. He still wasn't happy. His ire, slight as it may have been, just struck me funny. I started laughing and couldn't stop. With tears rolling into my ears, I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Sadly for my friend, that was the end of that encounter.

Now, even if I hadn't been cracking up, my mind wouldn't have been on sex because it wasn't me who wanted to have sex in the first place. I didn't mind (good seats and all), but I just wasn't into it. If I only had sex when I wanted it, I'd never get laid. It's not that I don't get in the mood, it's just that there's never a guy around when I do. So, either I wait for the right time or I just take my chances when I get them. And yes, I've told the guy that and given the option of waiting...he, like most pigs, chose not to.

That sets me up for writing posts like the last one. '10 Things I Think About During Sex'  is a short list of the things that I think about during sex. I've also thought things like:

1. I really like the new Mustangs.
2. New Jersey really should have traffic circles instead of those jug-neck left turns.
3. I wonder if wall-paper will stick in the bathroom with all that steam...or should I just paint?
4. Damn, that is one bald head, it doesn't look that bald when he's standing up. It's a good thing I like tall men.
5. There should be more right-to-work states in this country.

Occasionally, I do think about sex. Often I think:

1.  If he's still going at midnight, can it be said that I fucked for two days?
2. God, I hope it doesn't accidentally go up my ass.
3. If I had never done a 69 in the first place, I wouldn't have this odious image of Rick's asshole haunting my mind, year after year, after year, after year...
4. It's odd how ALL men think they are spectacular lovers but the overwhelming majority hover around adequate...maybe a 4 out of 10. A 5 is a unique find.
5.  The only thing that could make this worse would be if he kissed me.

I know men think that women pay them homage in bed because they truly are sexual Gods. But the truth is, we do it to expedite things. We know that the testosterone induced are ego driven so we stroke that sucker. It's not a bad thing, not if you realize that we say it for our own reasons like you guys tell women things like:

1. I think about you when we're having sex.
2. Don't worry, I actually prefer big women.
3. It's OK, I actually like small boobs.
4. I'll call you tomorrow.
5. I respect you.

A recent comment suggested that I should "trade up" sexually. Just who would I trade with? Other women know what I know and it is what it is  so I can't really embellish anything. I'd just as soon do without. It's all good.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The woman tells the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Thanks, Meg.
Here's another of those "Why do they DO/THINK that?" and if you have any thoughts, please share. Your observation regarding men believing they're all stud-bucks and we're all stud-buckets underscores a possible hypothesis: Do women lie to them? Do women actually collude in creating these monsters or do men just conjure this stuff up as a fig-newton of their over-inflated egos? I just don't understand how it's possible to reach adulthood and be unwilling/unable/too lazy/whatever to take "direction" no matter how gently or directly it's given. They've spend years, eons actually contemplating pictures suitable for a gyno textbook and still can't find their way around or know what to do when they get there. This whole "jump, pump and dump" phenomena doesn't cut it for me. And when I make that clear, they get all pissy about it and act like petulant little boys. Then do it yet AGAIN. (If they get another opportunity beyond that, it's my bad and will not be repeated.) I have no problem with the occasional "quickie." I DO have a problem with patterns of behavior that are concrete steel reinforced bomb blast barriers impenetrable to my "suggestions." HOW can any man possibly think I'm going continue with this when he's been put on "notice" prior to the pink slip? What? You didn't think I MEANT it?
Re: Songs-The next time he wants you to "speak into the microphone" start singing the Stone's "Satisfaction." Although I don't know if it will help.

June 08, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's up to you guys to hold the line and ask for...demand what it is you want.
If you ever fake it, you have only yourself to blame. I don't get the idea that you would do that except maybe to get the huffing beast with the sausage fingers off of you.
Most men want to give you what you want. I had a woman early on break me from a lot of the bad habits and misconceptions men have about women. And she showed me a slower hand.
But she was the only one who did. After her I was a more vagina friendly guy, but there is always tweaking to be done with a new partner.
Some guys really don't give a shit but if you can get it through to them that the more enjoyable it is for you, the more you'll want it from him then maybe he might throw himself......
The more accommodating he will be.
The woman always comes first.

June 09, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

After they're put on notice I have no problem with "throwing himself"-under the bus. I don't mind "sausage fingers" either as long as there aren't nails sporting evidence of years of science projects gone wild: That's an an instant "Abort Mission." Any man who doesn't own and use nail clippers and a nail brush can't possibly afford to keep me in good Canadian beer. It's never a good idea to confuse "Bio-Hazard" with "Man."

June 10, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Dude, you are obviously NOT one of the men we are discussing, chances are if you were, you wouldn't read this crap and you certainly wouldn't have anything productive to say. So, other than mentioning the fact that I am NOT a "vagina oriented" woman, I think you are fine with the info you have because you have something more important, concern for your partner.

Chickie, I hate to appear stupid but sometimes I just can't avoid it...what the hell ARE sausage fingers? And it's no crime to have a hangnail, but keep it away from me or you will NOT fall into the category that Dude falls into. You can teach a person all kinds of shit, but you can't teach them how to be considerate... believe me, I've been working on the same project for over a year.

June 11, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sausage fingers are what are attached to big fat hands that are attached to big fat bodies attached to big fat heads. Men with sausage fingers use their sausage fingers to roll women around like a wad of pizza dough.
Meg. Some guy sent me a question intended for you by mistake and I promised him I would send it your way.

Dear Meg,
Can you tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue?

Buford Wilson
Highway 5
New Grubbin Hoe

June 11, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't think having a man 24/7 increases opportunity for sex. Married have been for years. I love sex. My role is reversed always asking and getting but nothing back but excuses. However he can jack one out everyday when I am not around. My take they are all freaks and I should swing the other way.

June 11, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Yep, I hear ya. Did you ever notice how our mood rarely matters? If we are NOT in the mood, some of them don't care because with a bottle of my ex's favorite (Foreplay in a Bottle) and a warm female, there's no reason for us to say no! And if WE want it, without a pump up penis implant, we are SOL. But, I have a firm belief that there ARE indeed men out there who possess consideration. I haven't tried women yet, but that would be as stupid as anything I've ever done. I would probably get an inconsiderate bitch who wears my clothes.

June 12, 2012  

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