Hi ya'll!
I just had a very long conversation with a friend of mine who is going through a divorce. It's one of those divorces where the wife is accusing him of everything under the sun and I didn't understand it because he is such a nice guy and doesn't deserve this. Well, tonight he mentioned something that finally gave me a reason why this woman is acting like she is. Although I feel uncomfortable second guessing a woman that is so unbalanced, I thought of you when he told me what he told me.
He mentioned that he enjoyed pornography once the marriage had disintegrated to the point where they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. When I gave him a woman's perspective, he was truly surprised. It occurred to me that other men might be as clueless as my friend was and might be interested in one woman's perspective.
I understand that some men enjoy pornography and find it to be innocent fun. I get that, I really do. But unless it is part of a "team" effort, it is akin to cheating. Not all women feel this way, but plenty do. I know there are even women who enjoy it as well but trust me...some find it to be extremely offensive.
"Tom" said that he considered his wife to be the love of his life and that sex with her was wonderful as well. He told me how important she and thier intimacy was and in the next sentence said that when he stopped getting it from her he turned to porn. So...basically, he was saying that the wonderful feelings he had when he was with her were evenly swapped out for pornography.
Nobody gave me the job of being a judge of other humans and I am trying very hard NOT to sound like one. But...can you see how a woman can feel as though she is easily replaced with scum? We all know how degrading to women in general that porn is in the first place. But to say that you need it if you can't get it from your wife is saying to the wife that the relationship is something less than she might have thought it was. So it degrades not only women but the relationship as well.
I know that you can be a very loyal husband and enjoy pornography. I also know that some women don't mind one little bit. But I am referring to the ones that DO mind. To most of them, it isn't a matter of jealousy. It is simply a matter of respect and consideration. As innocently as men may pursue this little hobby, they are pretty much saying to thier women that sex is no more than a bodily function. Sometimes it may be but if you are in a relationship that involves fidelity, sex should be a bit more than that.
FYI...some women feel as though a guy who needs to dabble in the manly art of smut is obviously not at all happy with the woman he is with. I wonder what my friend would have thought if his wife was the one enjoying the porno crap. I should have asked him and I will the next time I speak with him. How would your ego take it if your woman used other men to "relieve herself"? We women can be pretty sensitive and we don't take kindly to being a toilet for somebody's sperm. If sex is no more than a fart to you, then stop reading now. But if it is a part of a beautiful relationship that you cherish, consider how your partner would feel if she found out that you enjoy looking at another woman rather than at her.
YOU might not see it that way, but trust me, WE do. So, if you have someone that you want to keep around, let her be the only one that does it for you. And...remember what I said in an earlier post, if you want to go and get all crazy, look at your wife. She just may have more in her than you realize and she may be waiting for you to bring it out of her. And if, occasionally, you can't help yourself, keep it in the bathroom with the door locked.
Meg
I just had a very long conversation with a friend of mine who is going through a divorce. It's one of those divorces where the wife is accusing him of everything under the sun and I didn't understand it because he is such a nice guy and doesn't deserve this. Well, tonight he mentioned something that finally gave me a reason why this woman is acting like she is. Although I feel uncomfortable second guessing a woman that is so unbalanced, I thought of you when he told me what he told me.
He mentioned that he enjoyed pornography once the marriage had disintegrated to the point where they were sleeping in separate bedrooms. When I gave him a woman's perspective, he was truly surprised. It occurred to me that other men might be as clueless as my friend was and might be interested in one woman's perspective.
I understand that some men enjoy pornography and find it to be innocent fun. I get that, I really do. But unless it is part of a "team" effort, it is akin to cheating. Not all women feel this way, but plenty do. I know there are even women who enjoy it as well but trust me...some find it to be extremely offensive.
"Tom" said that he considered his wife to be the love of his life and that sex with her was wonderful as well. He told me how important she and thier intimacy was and in the next sentence said that when he stopped getting it from her he turned to porn. So...basically, he was saying that the wonderful feelings he had when he was with her were evenly swapped out for pornography.
Nobody gave me the job of being a judge of other humans and I am trying very hard NOT to sound like one. But...can you see how a woman can feel as though she is easily replaced with scum? We all know how degrading to women in general that porn is in the first place. But to say that you need it if you can't get it from your wife is saying to the wife that the relationship is something less than she might have thought it was. So it degrades not only women but the relationship as well.
I know that you can be a very loyal husband and enjoy pornography. I also know that some women don't mind one little bit. But I am referring to the ones that DO mind. To most of them, it isn't a matter of jealousy. It is simply a matter of respect and consideration. As innocently as men may pursue this little hobby, they are pretty much saying to thier women that sex is no more than a bodily function. Sometimes it may be but if you are in a relationship that involves fidelity, sex should be a bit more than that.
FYI...some women feel as though a guy who needs to dabble in the manly art of smut is obviously not at all happy with the woman he is with. I wonder what my friend would have thought if his wife was the one enjoying the porno crap. I should have asked him and I will the next time I speak with him. How would your ego take it if your woman used other men to "relieve herself"? We women can be pretty sensitive and we don't take kindly to being a toilet for somebody's sperm. If sex is no more than a fart to you, then stop reading now. But if it is a part of a beautiful relationship that you cherish, consider how your partner would feel if she found out that you enjoy looking at another woman rather than at her.
YOU might not see it that way, but trust me, WE do. So, if you have someone that you want to keep around, let her be the only one that does it for you. And...remember what I said in an earlier post, if you want to go and get all crazy, look at your wife. She just may have more in her than you realize and she may be waiting for you to bring it out of her. And if, occasionally, you can't help yourself, keep it in the bathroom with the door locked.
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 10:19 PM
5 Comments:
Howdy Meg
I actually went through something similar to this, so what you said wasn't that big of a surprise to me. When my now-wife moved down to live with me some years ago, I still looked at porn from time to time as much from habit as anything else. In my own mind, I was not cheating on her. Of course, this caused her lots of problems, moreso because her father had abused her for all of her childhood (calling her fat, stupid, etc.). When I finally understood what the porn did to her (and it took a while I'm afraid, but then, I've never been that smart of a man, rather dense actually), I stopped looking at it and have never turned back once. My relationship, both intimate and everything else, is MUCH more important that smut. Thank you for writing that article from a female's perspective, it might help a lot of guys salvage a wonderful relationship that might fail otherwise due to the smut.
Mike
Austin TX
Dear Mike,
I am so glad you took the time to respond. Only a decent, considerate man would have done so. That was my entire point.
This is one man who's wife feels more important than the celluloid bimbos. What a lucky woman.
Meg
Meg, thank you very much for being brave enough to be honest in an open forum. You put your heart out there knowing all the pot-shots people take. You're a stronger woman than I.
When I got married, I didn't complain about porn because I din't want to bitch. But, to me, it was fantasy cheating. He was telling me, I'd love to fuck her, but you'll do. I hate to think that the only thing I have going for me is convenience. I didn't mind when he watched porn WITH me, but when he watched it INSTEAD of me, I thought I must be pretty low.
And Mike, my husband is from Texas, too (10 minutes down the road from you, actually). He had the exact same reaction as you when I finally broke down and told him how unwanted I felt. I think they raise 'em pretty good in Texas :o)
Hugs to you Meg. So few women can appreciate a good man. A decent man is going to be so unbeleivably lucky to have you in his life.
And RIck? I hope Rick finds a female version of himself. I cringe just thinking about it.
Hey Stacey,
I'm so glad you wrote that. You don't realize how bright and witty you can be. You are pretty darn good with the words yourself and I am glad that you added them here. LOL, I have seen some of the pot shots and I take them for what they are. But there have always been enough kind, decent people to make me just laugh at the pot shotters. A female version of Rick? Yeah, I'm cringing as well.
Meg
Meg, I thought I should clarify on the sports comment.. to be clear on this what I really mean here are men that sit in front of the tube with sports. I call these guys football duds. Now it's just too damn bad that this might offend the widdle feewings of a few men reading here. The bottom line is, in my personal anecdotal experience I have NEVER had a good man who was a sports dud, they've all been the same. I see televised sports as the #1 indicator
of problems with a man, period. When I decided that I did not want any man like that, and that I wanted a man who hated sports as much as I do, it was like the assholes disappeared overnight.
I'll tell you what else goes hand in hand with this crap, and that's the porn.
You can bet if a man is calling phone sex or looking at porn he's also a sports dud on the couch in front of the tv with bad personal hygeine and a cheating heart. And I say this as a former phone sex operator people!!! When I worked in the phone sex business we could predict our traffic and plan our business based on whether or not "the big game" was on tv that weekend or night. EVERYTHING in the business in regards to traffic planning was made like this:
1. Game on tv (gonna be slow)
2. The Stuporbowl (we take the day off, no business at all)
3. Family Holidays, (men are with their wives and families, slow traffic)
4. Business always picks up during tax refund season
5. Business picks up after football and basketball have gone away.
Ok, and here's something else, the men who call phone sex are just like Rick. JUST LIKE HIM. Take it from someone who knows. When I worked in the biz I talked to so many heartbroken wives on the phone who had their credit cards used by these guys it was insane. THEY ARE ALL MARRIED LOSERS!!!
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