Meg...
...Don't wait anymore. Own who you are! If you want a guy, be vulnerable. Just be discrete and go live your life like a responsible, grown up with needs and wants. You're not being fair to yourself. I'm not saying to go be easy, but you should be free to love when and who life sends your way if you want to. My last divorce took 3 years. Think I or she waited? He can't afford a detective and doesn't really want to bring up infidelity in the court so be open for whatever. He's probably too busy worrying aboutyou nailing him with someone. It's not wrong anymore. You're already emotionally and morally divorced and it will never be put back together again. This will free you. This is the next corner.
Yeah, I probably could get away with it. I could probably go do whatever I wanted to do and no one would be the wiser. But there is one problem with that. I have prided myself in telling the truth. That’s about the only thing he left me, my integrity. I won’t lose it over some trailer hopping, STD-ridden, lying cheat. When I go into court and someone asks me “Have you had sex with anyone else since you married him?”, I want to be able to honestly say “No, I have not.”
I always told my kids that they should do the right thing, even if they are the only one to know they did it. When people lie and try to get away with things that they shouldn’t get away with, they end up drinking or doing something else to help them live with the deception. I drank quite a bit when I was in my 20’s and I learned that when I told lies I was afraid, I felt guilty and I just felt badly about myself. Then, I would drink more to deal with my feelings. So, basically, I feel that lying is self destructive and leads to more behavior that you have to lie about.
When you lie, or do anything that you know is wrong, you hurt yourself. It doesn’t matter what anybody else does, there is no reason to put yourself in a position where you look at the man in the mirror and think ill of him. I refuse to give anyone the power to make the person in my mirror look bad. I knew that last year and everything that has happened in the meantime has reinforced my beliefs.
I went through some terrible times over the past year and I have had some wonderful people in my life who have helped me get through in one way or another. (Chasey, thank you! Stacey (my new friend), you have helped more than you will ever know. Jon, you too, have been a great help to me. Jean, you are doing more for me then I ever expected, I don't know how I can ever pay you back.) None of these people would have been as helpful if I were less of a person than I am. I have gone from feeling like a worthless dredge on humanity to feeling like a lovely person who is happy, friendly and kind. I always have been such a person, but I let someone else blur my self esteem. That won’t happen again. If I were to act in a way that put me in a position where I had to lie, I wouldn’t know that I am a decent human being. That may or may not make sense to anyone else, but I am the only one who has to understand it. I feel good about myself because whenever I had a decision to make, I chose the course of action that would make me feel as though I was doing the RIGHT thing.
And, even if I didn’t feel this way about lying, I do care about why I am doing what I am doing. When the “youngin” was asking me out, I was concerned about what such a relationship would do to him. Even though he wanted to pursue me...I still felt that it wouldn’t be fair for such a young man to spend any length of time with someone my age. What if he were with me and he missed a chance to be with a woman his own age who would still want children? I couldn’t live with that guilt.
I have had other opportunities...actually quite a few. But for one reason or another, I wouldn’t go out with them anyway. Would I be using them for a warm body? Would they be using me for the same thing? I said before that I lost my perspective when I was still in the marriage. I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t trust myself to identify a lie from the truth. So, I feel as though I have some work to do on myself before I should even think about dating.
Add that to the fact that I don’t know the dating rules anymore and you have a dangerous situation should I decide to begin a relationship. Just thinking about how I put up with being married to a liar, coward, abusive thug and an all around poor excuse for a man makes me doubt my own judgment when it comes to men. In my head, I know that there are many, many good men out there. I just don’t trust myself to tell a good one from a bum right now.
By the way, he DID bring up infidelity in court. After all of the affairs he has had, I have never had one. He had never even accused me of cheating while we were together. But, when it came to the divorce, he did. In Georgia, they assign alimony based on his ability to pay, my needs and the behavior of both parties. I guess he thought if he accused me of adultery, he would save a few bucks in alimony. As I said, I have been honest and faithful to MY marriage vows and that makes me feel very good about myself. I need to feel good about myself now. I need that more than I need a man.
But, let me tell you this, when I run out of divorce stories, I will most certainly change the topic to something like, “Meg and the Men She Dates.” I think that will be the fun stuff, hang in there with me and when I start having my fun...I will be here with bells on.
Have a great day and remember: “To thine ownself be true.”
Meg
...Don't wait anymore. Own who you are! If you want a guy, be vulnerable. Just be discrete and go live your life like a responsible, grown up with needs and wants. You're not being fair to yourself. I'm not saying to go be easy, but you should be free to love when and who life sends your way if you want to. My last divorce took 3 years. Think I or she waited? He can't afford a detective and doesn't really want to bring up infidelity in the court so be open for whatever. He's probably too busy worrying aboutyou nailing him with someone. It's not wrong anymore. You're already emotionally and morally divorced and it will never be put back together again. This will free you. This is the next corner.
Yeah, I probably could get away with it. I could probably go do whatever I wanted to do and no one would be the wiser. But there is one problem with that. I have prided myself in telling the truth. That’s about the only thing he left me, my integrity. I won’t lose it over some trailer hopping, STD-ridden, lying cheat. When I go into court and someone asks me “Have you had sex with anyone else since you married him?”, I want to be able to honestly say “No, I have not.”
I always told my kids that they should do the right thing, even if they are the only one to know they did it. When people lie and try to get away with things that they shouldn’t get away with, they end up drinking or doing something else to help them live with the deception. I drank quite a bit when I was in my 20’s and I learned that when I told lies I was afraid, I felt guilty and I just felt badly about myself. Then, I would drink more to deal with my feelings. So, basically, I feel that lying is self destructive and leads to more behavior that you have to lie about.
When you lie, or do anything that you know is wrong, you hurt yourself. It doesn’t matter what anybody else does, there is no reason to put yourself in a position where you look at the man in the mirror and think ill of him. I refuse to give anyone the power to make the person in my mirror look bad. I knew that last year and everything that has happened in the meantime has reinforced my beliefs.
I went through some terrible times over the past year and I have had some wonderful people in my life who have helped me get through in one way or another. (Chasey, thank you! Stacey (my new friend), you have helped more than you will ever know. Jon, you too, have been a great help to me. Jean, you are doing more for me then I ever expected, I don't know how I can ever pay you back.) None of these people would have been as helpful if I were less of a person than I am. I have gone from feeling like a worthless dredge on humanity to feeling like a lovely person who is happy, friendly and kind. I always have been such a person, but I let someone else blur my self esteem. That won’t happen again. If I were to act in a way that put me in a position where I had to lie, I wouldn’t know that I am a decent human being. That may or may not make sense to anyone else, but I am the only one who has to understand it. I feel good about myself because whenever I had a decision to make, I chose the course of action that would make me feel as though I was doing the RIGHT thing.
And, even if I didn’t feel this way about lying, I do care about why I am doing what I am doing. When the “youngin” was asking me out, I was concerned about what such a relationship would do to him. Even though he wanted to pursue me...I still felt that it wouldn’t be fair for such a young man to spend any length of time with someone my age. What if he were with me and he missed a chance to be with a woman his own age who would still want children? I couldn’t live with that guilt.
I have had other opportunities...actually quite a few. But for one reason or another, I wouldn’t go out with them anyway. Would I be using them for a warm body? Would they be using me for the same thing? I said before that I lost my perspective when I was still in the marriage. I didn’t know what was happening and I didn’t trust myself to identify a lie from the truth. So, I feel as though I have some work to do on myself before I should even think about dating.
Add that to the fact that I don’t know the dating rules anymore and you have a dangerous situation should I decide to begin a relationship. Just thinking about how I put up with being married to a liar, coward, abusive thug and an all around poor excuse for a man makes me doubt my own judgment when it comes to men. In my head, I know that there are many, many good men out there. I just don’t trust myself to tell a good one from a bum right now.
By the way, he DID bring up infidelity in court. After all of the affairs he has had, I have never had one. He had never even accused me of cheating while we were together. But, when it came to the divorce, he did. In Georgia, they assign alimony based on his ability to pay, my needs and the behavior of both parties. I guess he thought if he accused me of adultery, he would save a few bucks in alimony. As I said, I have been honest and faithful to MY marriage vows and that makes me feel very good about myself. I need to feel good about myself now. I need that more than I need a man.
But, let me tell you this, when I run out of divorce stories, I will most certainly change the topic to something like, “Meg and the Men She Dates.” I think that will be the fun stuff, hang in there with me and when I start having my fun...I will be here with bells on.
Have a great day and remember: “To thine ownself be true.”
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:35 AM
1 Comments:
But, let me tell you this, when I run out of divorce stories, I will most certainly change the topic to something like, “Meg and the Men She Dates.”
Woah! I mean Fine... as long as the guys you date are hip to it!
(I can imagine having reservations about it myself!)
Add that to the fact that I don’t know the dating rules anymore
Oh ... I was hoping you could help me with those! My friends keep telling me : you've got to find yourself a companion. But I sincerely haven't a clue how it's done...
You, at least, have experience -- even if it's a bit dated. I have precisely none... that's right... my first wife was my first love.
Adolescent anguish, here I come!
Post a Comment
<< Home