A betrayed wife...
...now has her husband back. He's there right now doing everything he can to prove how sorry he is. He is doing all of the things that he should have done before he strayed outside of the marriage. He's acting like the perfect husband. The wife wonders:
He tells me he is trying? Is he?
He tells me he loves me. Does he?
He tells me he will never do this again. Will he?
Is he trying? Yes, he really, really is. Does he love her? Yeah, he probably does. Will he do it again? You betcha. Next chance he gets.
There are two types of people in this world, honest people and dishonest people. Those who can live with the guilt of what they've done and those who cannot. There are people who would never, under any circumstances...cheat on their spouses. And there are those who would. They are absolutely sorry when they get caught. And they absolutely do everything that they can to make it up to you. They can even be very good for years and years on end. But there will come a time, when you least expect it and don't see it coming that he (or she) will grab a roll in the hay because the opportunity presents itself at precisely the right time.
Then, when you do catch them, they can easily blame it on you because over the past few years, you haven't been perfect. So now they'll dig up every stupid little mistake that you've made and throw it in your face as the reason that they strayed. It's YOUR fault...not theirs. A lifetime is a long time if you're lucky and you can't count on a cheater to stay honest for an entire lifetime if they couldn't stick out 10 or 20 years without stepping outsides the boundary of the marriage.
Rick was always sorry when he cheated. So very sorry. I knew he meant it. I knew that he truly was sorry. But that didn't change anything when he ran into someone else he wanted to screw at just the right time in our marriage. If she had come along two years before, he might not have done it. If she had come along two years later, he might not have done it. But the timing was just what it needed to be and he was the weak, dishonest coward that he has always been.
Should that make you sad? Should it make you feel like giving up? Hell no. It should make you glad that he's someone else's problem and that he will have to live the rest of his life with the knowledge that he gave away the love of his life because he couldn't stick out the marriage in good times and in bad. You still have a chance to find someone who will grow old with you. Don't stick with some loser who will probably only quit cheating when he suffers a paralysing stroke. And, you look like a heel if you leave him then.
Just get out now while he looks bad and you'll be golden.
Meg
...now has her husband back. He's there right now doing everything he can to prove how sorry he is. He is doing all of the things that he should have done before he strayed outside of the marriage. He's acting like the perfect husband. The wife wonders:
He tells me he is trying? Is he?
He tells me he loves me. Does he?
He tells me he will never do this again. Will he?
Is he trying? Yes, he really, really is. Does he love her? Yeah, he probably does. Will he do it again? You betcha. Next chance he gets.
There are two types of people in this world, honest people and dishonest people. Those who can live with the guilt of what they've done and those who cannot. There are people who would never, under any circumstances...cheat on their spouses. And there are those who would. They are absolutely sorry when they get caught. And they absolutely do everything that they can to make it up to you. They can even be very good for years and years on end. But there will come a time, when you least expect it and don't see it coming that he (or she) will grab a roll in the hay because the opportunity presents itself at precisely the right time.
Then, when you do catch them, they can easily blame it on you because over the past few years, you haven't been perfect. So now they'll dig up every stupid little mistake that you've made and throw it in your face as the reason that they strayed. It's YOUR fault...not theirs. A lifetime is a long time if you're lucky and you can't count on a cheater to stay honest for an entire lifetime if they couldn't stick out 10 or 20 years without stepping outsides the boundary of the marriage.
Rick was always sorry when he cheated. So very sorry. I knew he meant it. I knew that he truly was sorry. But that didn't change anything when he ran into someone else he wanted to screw at just the right time in our marriage. If she had come along two years before, he might not have done it. If she had come along two years later, he might not have done it. But the timing was just what it needed to be and he was the weak, dishonest coward that he has always been.
Should that make you sad? Should it make you feel like giving up? Hell no. It should make you glad that he's someone else's problem and that he will have to live the rest of his life with the knowledge that he gave away the love of his life because he couldn't stick out the marriage in good times and in bad. You still have a chance to find someone who will grow old with you. Don't stick with some loser who will probably only quit cheating when he suffers a paralysing stroke. And, you look like a heel if you leave him then.
Just get out now while he looks bad and you'll be golden.
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 4:45 AM
8 Comments:
I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on.
I believe that sometimes good people make bad mistakes. In rare cases these good people can learn from their first mistake and never repeat it.
Most often they become a cheater, and once a cheater then always a cheater. It is a learned behavior.
If they cheat and get away with it, then they start feeling "what is the harm". "What they don't know won't hurt them". Etc ... The euphoria of someone else keeps bringing them back.
When they do get caught, and they ALL do, then it is exactly as you say. "It is your fault. You didn't me treat me right. You didn't give me what I needed". If their partner kicks them to the curb then they just find someone new to cheat on. They have learned that when things go bad they deserve to be able to cheat. It is their right.
The worst cheaters though are the ones that get taken back. They learn that they can go do anything they want, and all they have to do is apologize really well and all is forgiven. They become severe repeat offenders. Cheat, apologize and make things better, stay faithful for a while, start thinking they deserve more or something different, cheat, repeat. It’s a pattern that could be charted on a wall. For some this cycle is repeated every few months. For others the cycle could last years. Rick sounds like one of these.
I have no patients for cheaters anymore. Words are meaningless. Put up or shut up! Either be trustworthy or get out of my life!
I believe the husband of your blog friend you wrote about is a cheater of the Rick type. I believe he may stay faithful for years, but he will cheat again. For the sake of the people involved though ... I hope I am wrong. I hope that he can be an exception.
Meg,
Very well put. He does love her...but the smart money is on the fact that he will do it again. It is a hard thing to swallow when you love someone, but you are so ON about the fact that there are two types!!!!
I have missed reading here lately. Good to be back...these posts are a kick in my head as a wake up reminder as well!!!
Meg,
I was psuedo-cheated on - my bf at the time was still in love with his ex the whole time he was with me, and somehow I knew it. We broke up, and he ran straight back to his ex. Actually this happened a couple of times, with other boyfriends too. The situations varied of course, but the underlying storyline was still the same. I guess I was actually "emotionally betrayed", more or less. So technically, I've never been cheated on. Still, it is a fear that I find myself constantly grappling with. Why? I don't know. Though my bf gives me no concrete reason to believe he will cheat on me, I find myself believing the worse can/will happen. Am I just a nutcase? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt? Innocent until proven guilty? But what if I trust him wholeheartedly, only to have my heartbroken when I least expect it? What if I realize that my intuition/psychosis was right all along?
My best friend was cheated on. Her bf was loyal, and seemed like the type that would "never" cheat. Still he ended up cheating on her somehow. And needless to say, her heart was broken.
I guess my question is, what is a woman supposed to do? I know people always say there are certain warning signs you should look for. But even those are unreliable at best - depending on how good a liar s/he is. And I know a relationship should be built on trust. And yes, we should forget the past and live in the present. I'm probably just driving MYSELF nuts here. But how do we love, free of judgement and past experiences? It's just not that simple.
Cheryl
Oh my goodness yes! I have so much more to say...but I have a doctors appointment in 20 minutes. So, now I have to run. But when I get back, I'll address the lady who wonders what a lady does when she's worried about giving her heart away. I've been wondering the same thing myself.
See you after the dr!
Meg
I strongly believe that people who cheat have self-esteem issues.
Cheaters cannot handle stresses in a marriage - they need for things to be hunky dory at all times.
How exciting it must be to kiss someone new while your betrayed wife or husband sits at home. Must spice things up, I imagine. Gives the cheater a good reason to look forward to go to work, all the while forgiving your wife (by virtue of the cheater's own guilty conscience) for the marital boredom or problems.
When the wayward spouse is discovered, they usually do one of two things:
They admit to the affair, and blame it all on the betrayed spouse, or they can deny the affair, and blame the breakup of the marriage on the betrayed spouse, anyway.
Both instances are copouts, which is why I said earlier that people who cheat have self-esteem issues. Maybe even narcissistic - believe me, some cheaters will paint you out to be a demon in the flesh, while they can never do anything wrong. The slanders that the cheaters tell the mistresses about the betrayed spouse to get into the mistresses pants, they'll tell their own families so that the cheater can get their support. And they have to slander. How else will they look golden in front of their families and friends?
Now, the real naive cheaters will divorce their spouses because they kissed a gal or a guy at the office and they felt that the infatuation is equivalent to being in love.
But no one is perfect - just like the betrayed spouse had his or her problems, so the new girlfriend or boyfriend will too, have their share of problems. Kisses and sex are not good indicators of how well compatible couples can be.
I don't know, guys. With all the AIDS, STD's and other illnesses, I just don't understand why these cheaters don't sit down with their wives or husbands and work on the marriage. I dont get it. I went to a health information session, and they were saying that AIDS is so prevalent, but that here in the US, they are not giving it the attention that they once did back in the 80's - yet the disease is a lot more common that it was back then. It's an epidemic.
To me, cheating is not worth it. Condoms won't do either, as AIDS and STD's are spread via saliva as well. But a lot of people don't know this.
Sorry, I just couldn't resist - I had to put that here.
Very interesting blog. I hope that whatever happens it is what you really want to have happen. This is a very challenging situation for you.
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If he cheats once, if may be forgiven due to us not wanting to leave what we have spent so much time building ( the relationship) thats a female flaw I now believe.
Harsh yes, but so is being betrayed by the person who is the suppose to be the last person on earth to betray you. I wouldn't trust him again, seems to me being drunk and feeling sorry for oneself justifies the flirting, which can lead to an affair if you choose the right person to flirt with.. Your right Meg, might take 5 yrs 10 yrs or even 20 years but ultimately the pants will drop and the thrill will fly once again.
Men who don't cheat CHOOSE not too, that's the difference, they all come with ding dongs , just some have more morals than others.
Meg,
I am hearing you. However, he does not blame me. I have accepted 20% blame for the affair but he only attributes 5% blame to me.
Maybe my husband is different to others. But he certainly has not been let off the hook. There are certain demands I have made and I am still not committed to the marriage. Until he proves to me that he can change I am not going to be committed.
He has discovered alot about himself and his inner needs. He is addresing these with a professional psychologist that specialises in infidelity.
We'll see what happens.
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