Damn it...
...I did it again. I had the entire post done, all that was left was to write the word "Meg" at the bottom and I would have been ready to go to sleep. But the computer fucked up and I lost it all.
I was talking about trusting someone again and I guess I basically said that if you have any doubts, you should trust yourself and respect the doubts. There have to be reasons that you have them. If you aren't generally considered to be an unreasonable person, you can pretty much trust yourself when you have nagging doubts about the person that you're with.
When the time is right, you'll know. I guess it's a bitch taking a chance, but with the right person, you can be happy again. I'm sure. I've seen plenty of old people who didn't cheat, but they stayed with their first spouse until they died and afterwards they fell in love again. They know what it's like to be married and they know that they can be faithful so when it's the right time, they simply fall in love with another person with whom they can be happy.
As much as it sucks to be cheated on, how would you like to be the cheater? How would anyone ever know that you could be trusted? You don't even know that about yourself. Yeah, they all lie to their family's and their mistresses and they say hideous things about the person that they cheated on...but they know the truth. And the truth is there's never a justification for cheating. There just isn't.
Only a coward would start a new life without the balls to finish the old life with some degree of decency. My father was right, Rick is a coward. But I'm doing fine, I'm learning to take care of myself. Things are just fine right now with a few minor exceptions...but Rick is still a cheat. He is still a dishonest man who will never, ever know that he can be faithful. No matter how old a cheater gets to be, they can never know that they can be honest with another person. That must blow.
I don't know if I will ever have a relationship like the one that I had with Rick but I do know that I dont ever want another relationship like the one that I had with Rick. Whatever the hell that bullshit was, I'm just glad that it's over. I knew better. I honestly did. I actually remember saying to myself, "That's OK, you'll learn to live like he lives." I actually married someone that I knew was totally different than the people that I grew up around. He was white trash and I knew it. He just proved to me something that I already knew. So, from now on I will listen to any nagging doubts that I may have. It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever ignore my little voice again.
Meg
Well, that's what I get for answering the phone. Worked called me and said that one of the hospitals that I work at was in "dire need" of nurses tonight so I'm going in from 11 to 7...just to be sweet. So, off I am to work a quick 8 hour shift. I'll be back in the morning. Have a good night!
...I did it again. I had the entire post done, all that was left was to write the word "Meg" at the bottom and I would have been ready to go to sleep. But the computer fucked up and I lost it all.
I was talking about trusting someone again and I guess I basically said that if you have any doubts, you should trust yourself and respect the doubts. There have to be reasons that you have them. If you aren't generally considered to be an unreasonable person, you can pretty much trust yourself when you have nagging doubts about the person that you're with.
When the time is right, you'll know. I guess it's a bitch taking a chance, but with the right person, you can be happy again. I'm sure. I've seen plenty of old people who didn't cheat, but they stayed with their first spouse until they died and afterwards they fell in love again. They know what it's like to be married and they know that they can be faithful so when it's the right time, they simply fall in love with another person with whom they can be happy.
As much as it sucks to be cheated on, how would you like to be the cheater? How would anyone ever know that you could be trusted? You don't even know that about yourself. Yeah, they all lie to their family's and their mistresses and they say hideous things about the person that they cheated on...but they know the truth. And the truth is there's never a justification for cheating. There just isn't.
Only a coward would start a new life without the balls to finish the old life with some degree of decency. My father was right, Rick is a coward. But I'm doing fine, I'm learning to take care of myself. Things are just fine right now with a few minor exceptions...but Rick is still a cheat. He is still a dishonest man who will never, ever know that he can be faithful. No matter how old a cheater gets to be, they can never know that they can be honest with another person. That must blow.
I don't know if I will ever have a relationship like the one that I had with Rick but I do know that I dont ever want another relationship like the one that I had with Rick. Whatever the hell that bullshit was, I'm just glad that it's over. I knew better. I honestly did. I actually remember saying to myself, "That's OK, you'll learn to live like he lives." I actually married someone that I knew was totally different than the people that I grew up around. He was white trash and I knew it. He just proved to me something that I already knew. So, from now on I will listen to any nagging doubts that I may have. It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever ignore my little voice again.
Meg
Well, that's what I get for answering the phone. Worked called me and said that one of the hospitals that I work at was in "dire need" of nurses tonight so I'm going in from 11 to 7...just to be sweet. So, off I am to work a quick 8 hour shift. I'll be back in the morning. Have a good night!
posted by Meg Kelso | 3:32 PM
3 Comments:
It's funny that we can always work out what we DON'T want as opposed to what we DO want.
I know what I want - it is not the relationship that I was in in the lead up to my husbands affair.
But I don't know if I want the marriage.
Strange Huh?
Whatever you do...make sure it's what YOU want and not what you think you want. I thought that I wanted Rick but I wanted what I thought I had with him. The reality of our relationship was that he wasn't at all what I thought he was. It took a lot for me to see that. Good luck whatever you do...I'm sure there are some people who deserve a second chance...I hope your hubby is one of them!
Meg
Meg,
You're completely right. I should trust my inner voice. It's never failed me in the past, yet I still find myself questioning it somehow. A woman's intuition is stronger than we give it credit for sometimes.
Cheryl
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