I remember when The Natural Look...

...was what we women spent our hard earned money to strive for. I spent a lot of time primping so that I would look like I just jumped out of bed all primped up. If I really woke up looking like that I wouldn't have bothered, but alas, I do not look my best in the mornings. Most mornings I write to you looking pretty damned frightening.

And...I have perfume. If I smelled like Obsession I wouldn't spray any on me. I wonder if our natural smell was all perfumy...would we eventually start to spray on body odors so that you would KNOW that we showered?

That made no sense and I am aware of that fact. But...that's the very situation that we seem to have now. Of course, we don't smell like perfume, but most of us are pretty clean and don't smell like body odor either. So...since we silly females have gone and cleaned ourselves so well, we have to remind men of what we really smell like. For that reason, I introduce Vulva to you...a new perfume that is...exactly what you think it is:

I was going to post the link to the ad but it's pretty hard core so if you want to, you can just look it up yourself. And I am not pulling one of those stupid jokes where I have everyone taking their cars to be fixed because of a muffler virus...you really will find a perfume that smells like funky female coochie.

It doesn't say it smells like a "funky female" but what other kind of woman goes around smelling like...pussy? Only a truly funked up woman would make anyone standing next to her say, "Oh my...what is that...oh my...God...it's...pussy!" And then you have those cologne whores who wear so much that they can stink up an entire office, bus or restaurant. I don't want to eat my Grand Slam next to some bitch who follows any fishy fad that comes along.

That explains a few things. I was thinking that my ex could have done more to keep himself odor free but perhaps it was just a gift from one of his mistresses...."Taint for Men...The cologne that will remind her of the 69 you guys did last week".

That's all I need. I'm telling you right now, the next dude I do is gonna be one clean mother fucker. I don't want anymore 69 surprises.

You know, you get quite a view from down there. And once you're really into it...it's kinda awkward to get out of in a hurry. You could open your eyes and see a tiny piece of man shit all dried up and hanging from an ass hair...how do you get out of there in a hurry?

I guess that's the price we women pay for our struggle to stay on the bottom. I am so into the bottom that I once dumped a guy with a bad back because I couldn't imagine a future with a dude who HAD to be on the bottom. There is no future in that...I don't mind an occasional trip up top, but I don't have the energy to take over the top spot in the lovemaking department on a permanent basis.

Oh well. I think I need a shower...but I'm wondering, like my fingernails, should I just take advantage of what God has blessed me with and go au naturale? Unfortunately, long, stringy, oily hair isn't in yet. I think dudes can get away with it but chicks can't.

I'm positive that my ex didn't know about that pussy perfume. If he had I'm quite sure that I would have heard this, "A guy at work brought some of that new pussy perfume in to show us and he sprayed some at my face...I swear!"

I would LOVE to hear from the first wife out there who DOES get that excuse from a husband who comes from "work" without washing his face. (If you DO hear, "I was walking through Nordstrom's and the perfume lady attacked me with her pussy spray!"...please email me. I want to write a book about your husband.)

Oops...I have to answer the door. BRB.

OK, I'm back. I was half expecting the Avon lady to come by and try to sell me a knock off on pussy spray. OMG! It just occurred to me that some company will come up with a cheap, imitation pussy perfume that Walgreen's will sell along side of the real pussy perfume. The only thing worse than pussy perfume has got to be cheap, imitation pussy perfume.

I'm working on my own idea...Crotch for Men. I'll market it in San Francisco first and if it goes over, I'll take it national. Then, I'll finish my other project, a unisex perfume for men OR women called Ass in an Atomizer. I've had to put that product on the back burner for now because the atomizer's cost more than the Ass. Once I get some start-up capital, I'll get it on the shelves.

I am selling stock so if any of you want to buy a few shares of my company, Funky People Fragrances Inc., just let me know.