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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I've nearly concluded my study

How can you spot a cad?

It's relatively easy if you pay attention at all. One would think that men all took the same course in man school but they didn't. They each come up with the same ideas because, face it, they aren't that bright, nor are they particularly creative and of course...they underestimate the hell out of us. It's not so much their stupidity as it is their assumption that we are stupid that makes them all find the same tactics. I doubt that many of them would want to tell the others what they're up to so I have to assume they each find the paths of least resistance on their own. Don't for a minute think that THEY don't think they haven't figured out most women. Not all of them, granted, but a BUNCH of them.

Nothing else would explain the similar pattern that you seem to see in all male humans. They've all done their time in study and they have each developed a little plan that works for them. But...they won't tell you that...they'll tell you just the opposite. That's one of the most widespread man stories...the one where they either aren't getting any sex from their woman or they haven't had it in so long they can't remember the last time they did. This is so popular that 87.4% of all men use it before the first date is over. Run if you hear something along those lines. You should never hear ANYTHING about a man's sex life on a first date...ever.

Another sweet little trick they use is developing an exit strategy early in the date. Morning, noon or night...a man will give you anywhere between 4 to 6 hours to put out and they will tell you what time they have to leave and which family member is pregnant and subject to early labor. Amazing little creatures...these men.

The guys who have really studied well will even promise to do things for you...tomorrow. They will feign an attempt at mowing the lawn but when they realize that it won't get them sex...they suddenly decide that "dry gas" is necessary and that the mower has to sit for 2 hours before starting again. The effort that some of them put into their evil little schemes is ungodly. I've had men who've asked me to write a list of the stuff they need to bring with the "next time I come over". Yeah right, I'm gonna waste pencil on a freak who is that blatantly dishonest. Not bloody likely!

Many of these beings will actually try to close the sale as early as they can so they can figure out how much cash they need to invest. That's an interesting tact...if you should find yourself in the presence of one of those guys, smile sweetly and order Chivas. Why should he pay for a house margarita when he can pay for a nice scotch? He might not be in the mood to buy many more drinks so get them while you can...a man who is happy to buy drinks is just as happy to buy good drinks. A lot of women know that but far too many do NOT. Oh, it should go without saying, but just in case...a guy who shows up at your door with a 40 is not to be let inside. Ever.

Of course there's sweet talk and how you are so pretty. Most of us know how pretty we are or aren't...and we know how men generally react to us and our charms. An overreaction can be tricky because there's always the possibility of love at first sight but the odds are mighty damn slim. You'll really come out ahead if you don't take seriously any man who says that "You are even prettier than your picture!"

Also, never take a man at his word just because he GIVES you his word. That means nothing. He can always just do something that annoys you enough that you FORCE him to break his word. It's out of his control once he finds an out and men are generally good at checking the exits so never take a man who gives his "word", at his word...unless you know him really, REALLY well.

Another no brainer, but apparently tough for some women to comprehend...if a man gives you "an hour" before you need to be back from having fun, you automatically get 5. That's just the way it works. A guy who called me as I was leaving the house informed me that, "I'll be calling you back in an hour so you should be back by then."


Yes...he did.

Naturally I didn't get anywhere near my phone for a long, long time. You can't reward such negative behavior in the testosterone induced...it just makes them more obstinate. To a man, when a woman gives an inch, she has just given him explicit instructions to take a mile and then to commandeer the road. Be very careful with your ruler...don't give away too much territory.

I'm exhausted now and just a tad frightened. I've been letting out some serious secrets and I have even more.

Did you ever wonder why so many people are arrested in jail waiting rooms? And guess what? If you let someone point a camera at you, you've just given them permission to let them aim any other device they want to at you and you can't see most of them. Believe me, they have some pretty nifty toys nowadays. You'd be amazed at the rights you give away without being the least bit aware.

I'll be back soon.


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