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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Good morning ya'll!!!

A while back I decided that dating might be a bit easier and less time consuming if, rather than wasting time playing defense at the end of a date, I just make it clear from the beginning that coitus is not going to happen. Most guys will still hang with you after hearing that...but not for any length of time.

At first it was challenging to work, "If you're thinking about sex, I gotta tell you...it's not gonna happen." into a conversation. But, the more I do it, the easier it gets. I find that timing is everything when you make such a declaration. Do it too early and a guy will look at you funny. Do it too late and the guy will fondle you funny. So don't ever forget that there IS a line of demarcation between "too early" and "too late". You must recognize the proper moment and be ready to open your mouth and jump right in. As I said, the more you do it, the easier that moment is to pick up on.

I find that the timing is often dependent upon the guy himself. If he, at some point, asks you to "Come to my house for some iced tea...we can watch a movie and you can meet my kitten!"...you must recognize that for the manipulative thing that it is. Isn't this one smart? He's inviting you to his place to drink some safe iced tea, watch a safe movie and play with a safe little kitten. How could that be construed as the setting of a trap? Only good guys have iced tea, DVD's and kittens...right?

After a question like that, you must be ready to pounce on your friend with the unmistakable assurance that you and he will NOT "become one" anytime soon. Once a guy gets you back to his place...he necessarily becomes much more resistant to that concept. He'll find a bazillion reasons why he is all of a sudden completely incapable of driving...so you may have to "spend the night". Now he'll have retorts to your protestations so you're pretty much forced into a conversation not of your own making and one that you'd rather not be having. There's no reason to invite anymore unpleasantness than you absolutely have to so try not to argue at all...even though every fiber of your body wants to say, "Leave me alone you baseball cap wearing, spare tire carrying, redneck with a lisp!" So remember...when it comes to dumping or being dumped...public places are far better locations in which to operate than is some dude's homeland.

You won't get as many pats on the back...men seem to change their ENTIRE attitude when they know that sex is not an option. It's actually quite fascinating to watch. One minute they would eat dirt for you and the next they want you to stop wasting space that another woman might fill. Back to dumping people in public places...I like Denny's for that particular task. They're almost always deterring witnesses and should you get stuck with the bill, how much could it be? If you had the foresight to order nothing more than coffee, you could get out of that relationship for little more than the price of a Grand Slam. (By the way, McDonald's is OK for teenagers although Happy Meals should be avoided. I don't know about you but I'd be playing with the toy while the dumpee was crying and that COULD tend to portray me as "cold". I don't mind actually BEING cold...but I hate the portrayals. They are SO open to interpretation and misunderstanding.)

Sometimes it can be a sad chore although it usually makes a woman feel rather empowered. I DO like the feeling of empowerment, but I do sort of miss pretty boys and men with huge chests. I had to walk away from one recently and I tell you, it almost broke my heart. But I just kept telling myself that anyone can wrap a penis up in a nice package...it puts things in perspective so I don't mind as much when they walk away. Now that I think of it, I sort of enjoy the image of certain guys walking away. I have a great picture in my head of Pretty Boy with the huge chest walking away. It may be sad in one way, but then again, that sight was probably the best asset that guy possessed.

I'm SO glad that I quit while I was ahead.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is spelled "y'all" -- a contraction of "you" and "all." The apostrophe goes where you removed letters, as in all other contractions.

August 16, 2009  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Damn!!! Thank you so much! I never thought of that and you're right...I should have because I KNOW that you put the apostrophe where the missing letters go. I have no excuse, I've always spelled it like that. But...in the future, I'll spell it correctly. Y'all are so smart!


August 17, 2009  

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