It's not even 6 AM...
...and I've already been baffled twice. That's not easy to accomplish considering the fact that I haven't interacted with another living being besides my dog, a shitload of ants and one icky looking ear wig.
My first conundrum of the day is a bitch. I don't even think there's a way out of this one but it's a thinker nevertheless. I'm usually on the receiving end of such queries, but today, I need some help.
I'm living in a house with my bestest ever friend, one I've known since the Beatles broke up. We have never, ever engaged in any sexual behavior. I have never thought of her (or any woman for that matter) in that way. And...I feel pretty safe speaking for my buddy....she's told me everything that ever happened in her entire life. I even know stuff about her mother's pregnancy and how my friend came about. I know where she got her first kiss (I went to school with the guy), I know that she was arrested after being found stuck in the stairwell of the Sears Tower (I know because I was there and I got arrested too.) I know how she and her quadriplegic first husband had sex...I knew him, he loved her like crazy (not to be confused with Crazy Ron). I'm sure she would have mentioned it if she had a bent for the ladies.
She and I have been friends for decades and although neither of us were aware of it, people thought we were gay. Now, as Seinfeld would say, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." but I live with this chick now and I would really, really, really not want to be suspected of gayness.
Now, before all of the gay folk reading this get their panties in a knot...I understand that you may be offended. If my true feelings offend you...so be it. Just think about how the entire state of Iowa feels about you and cut me some slack. And if you don't think I should be espousing my non-lesbianism online, you could put a stop to such stuff. It would be a good idea to start with gay pride parades. They don't bother me so my non-gay self shouldn't bother you.
With that caveat, let me say, I do NOT want people to think I am gay. So, when I introduce my friend, what do I call her? "This is my girlfriend?" "This is my roommate?" This is my friend?" I've even considered just using her name but even THAT connotes an abstruse aura that could lead one to at least consider the possibility that they had just been in the presence of two dykes.
It's too late now, but if I had ever thought that sexuality was some sort of indicator, I would have chosen a best friend with long hair who wore make-up and something other than flannel shirts. My long haired self wears make-up and cute tops, so even our very presence implies a lesbian relationship. We don't even have to open our mouths and most people would not only assume us gay, they would even have decided who leads when we dance.
Anyway...I think the answer here is that there simply IS no answer. Until I snag a dude worth keeping, I'll just take a pill and worry not. But, if you have any suggestions, do let me know. I briefly considered wearing a t-shirt that says "STRICTLY DICKLY" so forget that...and other t-shirts as well.
My other head-scratcher is less vexing but it did make me wonder. I took my dog out back this morning and watched as he sniffed one tree, large weed and fence section after another. That ridiculous behavior went on for what seemed like a half hour. I waited and watched and tapped my toes in frustration awaiting the inevitable outcome. That dog finally chose the perfect spot, right next to a kids toy, turned around and squatted right there.
I don't know what made that spot good and I'm sure it won't be good enough tomorrow. I guess this is one of those things that I'm just not meant to know.
It just occurred to me that the dog scrutinized that back yard for a place to crap with more discretion than Lady Ga Ga uses when she chooses men.
To he who knows who he is.
...and I've already been baffled twice. That's not easy to accomplish considering the fact that I haven't interacted with another living being besides my dog, a shitload of ants and one icky looking ear wig.
My first conundrum of the day is a bitch. I don't even think there's a way out of this one but it's a thinker nevertheless. I'm usually on the receiving end of such queries, but today, I need some help.
I'm living in a house with my bestest ever friend, one I've known since the Beatles broke up. We have never, ever engaged in any sexual behavior. I have never thought of her (or any woman for that matter) in that way. And...I feel pretty safe speaking for my buddy....she's told me everything that ever happened in her entire life. I even know stuff about her mother's pregnancy and how my friend came about. I know where she got her first kiss (I went to school with the guy), I know that she was arrested after being found stuck in the stairwell of the Sears Tower (I know because I was there and I got arrested too.) I know how she and her quadriplegic first husband had sex...I knew him, he loved her like crazy (not to be confused with Crazy Ron). I'm sure she would have mentioned it if she had a bent for the ladies.
She and I have been friends for decades and although neither of us were aware of it, people thought we were gay. Now, as Seinfeld would say, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." but I live with this chick now and I would really, really, really not want to be suspected of gayness.
Now, before all of the gay folk reading this get their panties in a knot...I understand that you may be offended. If my true feelings offend you...so be it. Just think about how the entire state of Iowa feels about you and cut me some slack. And if you don't think I should be espousing my non-lesbianism online, you could put a stop to such stuff. It would be a good idea to start with gay pride parades. They don't bother me so my non-gay self shouldn't bother you.
With that caveat, let me say, I do NOT want people to think I am gay. So, when I introduce my friend, what do I call her? "This is my girlfriend?" "This is my roommate?" This is my friend?" I've even considered just using her name but even THAT connotes an abstruse aura that could lead one to at least consider the possibility that they had just been in the presence of two dykes.
It's too late now, but if I had ever thought that sexuality was some sort of indicator, I would have chosen a best friend with long hair who wore make-up and something other than flannel shirts. My long haired self wears make-up and cute tops, so even our very presence implies a lesbian relationship. We don't even have to open our mouths and most people would not only assume us gay, they would even have decided who leads when we dance.
Anyway...I think the answer here is that there simply IS no answer. Until I snag a dude worth keeping, I'll just take a pill and worry not. But, if you have any suggestions, do let me know. I briefly considered wearing a t-shirt that says "STRICTLY DICKLY" so forget that...and other t-shirts as well.
My other head-scratcher is less vexing but it did make me wonder. I took my dog out back this morning and watched as he sniffed one tree, large weed and fence section after another. That ridiculous behavior went on for what seemed like a half hour. I waited and watched and tapped my toes in frustration awaiting the inevitable outcome. That dog finally chose the perfect spot, right next to a kids toy, turned around and squatted right there.
I don't know what made that spot good and I'm sure it won't be good enough tomorrow. I guess this is one of those things that I'm just not meant to know.
It just occurred to me that the dog scrutinized that back yard for a place to crap with more discretion than Lady Ga Ga uses when she chooses men.
To he who knows who he is.
posted by Meg Kelso | 4:05 AM
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