OMG!

Wendy in Houston is a hoot. She sent me this and said it reminded her of an old post I wrote. I THINK I know just what she meant:



When I stop laughing, I'll grab the post and put it up here.

Grab THE pussy hair post? Hell, I searched Pussy hairs and I can't count the suckers! I never realized how preoccupied I've been with pubic hair! OK then, get ready...here I go:

OK...
...you guys have got to help me. When I was married, my pubic hair wasn't ever much of an issue. Of course, there was the occasional hair that Rick hacked up after browsing around downtown. But other than that, I've never had a problem with it. The only shaving I did was the little bikini shave that we HAVE to do so that we don't hear, "Look! She has a furry bikini!"

A few years ago I mentioned pubic hair on this blog and I heard from people who were actually aghast that I had a full bush. They suggested that I shave it right away but I wasn't having much sex then so I didn't worry too much about it and I hate the road rash you get after shaving that tender spot, hence, I still have my pubic hair.

I've encountered a few men who trim their own hair, I guess it's for my sake. So, I think I can safely say that pubic hair is out and bald pussy's are in. There's one problem with that...I hate shaving my legs, why would I want to add to my shaving list at my age?

Had I never divorced, this problem would have never come up. But, divorced I am and hairy I remain.

This evening, out of nowhere, my own daughter told me that I should shave down there. She said, "Men don't like it!" Well, I've never heard that from a man. Not once has a dude gotten up, crammed his hard-on into his pants, zipped up and walked out of the room disgusted by my pubes.

I also worry that if I go to bed with a guy for the first time and I'm all shaved, he might think I'm promiscuous. Whether or not I am isn't the point, I don't want people to think it.

So, PLEASE...tell me what to do. I'll be taking a shower later and I need to know where to stop when I take out my razor.

Thanks!

Pubes and lubes
I overheard a chick...

...talking about her friend who, after a divorce, constantly complained about her cheating husband's pecker. Apparently, it was short and fat and absolutely hell to work with.

On the one hand, I was thinking about the stuff that I said about Rick's wanger when we separated. The sentence that I remember most is, "His penis is not only twisted, the head is smaller than the shaft. It looks kind of like a pencil with a worn out eraser." I guess I can relate to the wife in the story, I knew why she was discussing her hubby's short, fat ding dong.

But, one the other hand, I was thinking, "That MUST have been a bitch to get in!" And one thought led to another until I was at the point where I was thinking about the guys who I have to help out. If they're having trouble getting on the ride, I'll let them try it alone for a minute and then I'll just help out. Lord knows I'm not going anywhere until it's over and I'm a busy person.

It shouldn't be that tough if you understand all the working parts down there. But guys who don't even part your hair are just asking for trouble. I don't understand them. They wouldn't drive their car through a bush yet they'll take Mr. Happy and try to shove it through a dense little bush downtown. What the HELL is up with that?

If the problem is a lack of lubrication, I usually just let him figure that one out for himself. If he doesn't get that, then he probably won't get in because once I realize that a guy is trying to dry hump me, I'm so turned off that it's not gonna happen anyway. That's a shoulder tapping time if ever I saw one.

The guys that I help tend to be the ones who have done everything right but for some reason, the thunder down under has a loose nut or something because no matter how hard it gets, it's still very loose at the joint where it attaches to the change purse. That's not the guys fault anymore than my ex's mutant penis is his fault. So, what the hey, I'll help a guy out under those circumstances.

The only problem with it is, I don't want the guy to think that I am either:

A. Usurping his role.
or
B. Playing with myself while I'm down there helping him slide that bad boy in.

Unless a guy is microscopic (Like one guy who was so small that I had to walk away from him. Not that I wouldn't do him, but I couldn't stop laughing.), he probably will have a bit of a time knocking on heaven's door because of a resident doctor who did an episiotomy repair with a "few extra stitches". Chicks in New York are paying a LOT of money to have done what that guy did to me after I had my daughter. That short and fat prick would never get in, I wouldn't even try.

You know what I find amusing? The next time you're having the slightest bit of trouble getting a dick in a pussy, you will think of me and it will annoy the hell out of you.

I didn't wake up thinking...

..."Oh! I must write about pubic hair today!" But, after reading a comment someone wrote after reading my post Pubes and Lubes, I couldn't get pubic hair out of my mind.

I don't want pubic hair stuck in my mind any more than I want it stuck in my throat so let me get this pube stuff off of my chest.


This is the comment that I received after I mentioned my own pubic hair:

"No Meg NO! It is all wrong!!! Organize a shave party with your next lover......It is a fun thing to do and mind blowing for both ADULT parties involved.OK, if you don't want to shave clean, at least trim it low......Man Meg, hair down there is just yuck! Plus it gets in the way"

You know, I've been around for a long time and I can't always keep up with all of the new styles. Heck, the pants that I'm wearing have elastic at the top! How can I be expected to keep up with the latest pubic hair fads? Even if I had the time, I wouldn't know where to find out what the latest pube hair styles are. Is there a pube web site? Is there a magazine about how the in-crowd wear their pubes? Does Avon have a product for pubic hair? The last time I was in a hair salon, I looked at the style books and not one of them mentioned pubic hair. And none of the clients were in stirrups, they were all sitting straight up in the chairs.

And then there's the "shave party" thing. Is that another fad that I've missed out on? Am I supposed to have scissors, a razor blade and shaving cream next to me when I get my hands on a guy? If so, please tell me because it would be AWFUL to think that my men friends come over here and look around for things like that. Can you imagine how foolish I feel?

I would hate to think that guys are creeping out when they realize that I actually have pubes. Of course, a horny dude isn't going to run away from a piece of ass because they have encountered pubic hair so they would never say anything like, "Ick! PUBES!" Not one guy has ever asked me what was up with all the hair down there. Not that I have Rapunzel-like pubic hair...but I do have SOME.

And speaking of the "Shave Party", I suppose it could be "fun" if you made it fun. I could send out invitations and serve hors d'oeuvre. But "mind blowing"? How would you make such a party mind blowing? The only way I could think of is to serve purple microdot or some other form of LSD. That would bring up 2 other problems. First of all, I don't do chemicals and secondly I wouldn't even know where to buy LSD. And the person who wrote the comment went out of their way to emphasize "ADULTS". What if I wanted to do a totally immature guy? I seem to exclusively date immature guys. Could you ask one of THEM to a "Shave Party"?

I'm not familiar with the pubic styles that I have to choose from but apparently you can go "clean" or just get a "trim". I've done the bald pussy thing before and let me tell you, there's not much more uncomfortable than an early morning pussy shadow. Once those little fuckers start growing back they bug the heck out of a female. Nobody wants to date a person who is constantly itching their crotch...God knows what could be crawling around there. I would have to start shaving daily and besides brushing my teeth, there's nothing at all that I want to do every single day.

So, that leaves me with a "trim". And you know what happens when you start to trim things...it looks uneven and then you try to fix it and before you know it, you're bald anyway.

I sort of think that I would rather have cornrolls. But most men probably don't know how to do that. And of course, what guy is going to play with pussy hair for such a long time? You can call it a party if you want. But even if I served fava beans and a nice chianti I don't know any guy who would want to spend that much time playing around down there without wanting to do more than twist pubic hairs into cornrolls. Braids, maybe. But I don't have rubber bands small enough to secure pubic hair braids.

And it never occurred to me that my pubes were actually "in the way". I usally date men strong enough to move that stuff. So far none of them have ever said, "Um...Meg...could you move some of that hair out of the way? I can't seem to get my dick past it." Of course, maybe the person who wrote the comment is a chick and she has so much hair down there that guys just get lost in her bush...but it hasn't really been a problem for me.

Also, I bathe routinely so it's not really a huge "YUCK" for me. But once again, who knows what sort of hygeine practices the comment chick has? I don't even know how long you would have to go without showering for your pubic hair to get yucky...and...I don't want to know.

On top of ALL of that...I hate shaving my legs and pits, I don't want to add another plot to mow.

I am curious about something else too...do you have to have a party every single time you shave that sucker or is it a one time only thing? I do love a party and I like to come up with reasons to have parties but how many times would people want to come to a party celebrating the same thing?

I guess I'm a bit of a freak and I'm just going to have to get used to it. I don't pluck my eyebrows and other women thought that was odd. Now I find out that I'm supposed to be shaving my pubes. Damn.

I was just getting my confidence back after my divorce and now I learn that my pubes aren't supposed to be there. That's one more stupid thing to worry about when I go out on a date. I don't know how I can enjoy a man's company for the entire evening while worrying about whether or not I should have shaved my pubes.

One more question...do the guys shave their pubes too? If so, my fuckbuddy is as freaky as I am. Maybe that's why we get along so well, we're just two yahoos with pubic hair.

This came up in my pussy hair search and I thought I'd toss it in here:

I remember when The Natural Look...

...was what we women spent our hard earned money to strive for. I spent a lot of time primping so that I would look like I just jumped out of bed all primped up. If I really woke up looking like that I wouldn't have bothered, but alas, I do not look my best in the mornings. Most mornings I write to you looking pretty damned frightening.

And...I have perfume. If I smelled like Obsession I wouldn't spray any on me. I wonder if our natural smell was all perfumy...would we eventually start to spray on body odors so that you would KNOW that we showered?

That made no sense and I am aware of that fact. But...that's the very situation that we seem to have now. Of course, we don't smell like perfume, but most of us are pretty clean and don't smell like body odor either. So...since we silly females have gone and cleaned ourselves so well, we have to remind men of what we really smell like. For that reason, I introduce Vulva to you...a new perfume that is...exactly what you think it is:




I was going to post the link to the ad but it's pretty hard core so if you want to, you can just look it up yourself. And I am not pulling one of those stupid jokes where I have everyone taking their cars to be fixed because of a muffler virus...you really will find a perfume that smells like funky female coochie.

It doesn't say it smells like a "funky female" but what other kind of woman goes around smelling like...pussy? Only a truly funked up woman would make anyone standing next to her say, "Oh my...what is that...oh my...God...it's...pussy!" And then you have those cologne whores who wear so much that they can stink up an entire office, bus or restaurant. I don't want to eat my Grand Slam next to some bitch who follows any fishy fad that comes along.

That explains a few things. I was thinking that my ex could have done more to keep himself odor free but perhaps it was just a gift from one of his mistresses...."Taint for Men...The cologne that will remind her of the 69 you guys did last week".

That's all I need. I'm telling you right now, the next dude I do is gonna be one clean mother fucker. I don't want anymore 69 surprises.

You know, you get quite a view from down there. And once you're really into it...it's kinda awkward to get out of in a hurry. You could open your eyes and see a tiny piece of man shit all dried up and hanging from an ass hair...how do you get out of there in a hurry?


I guess that's the price we women pay for our struggle to stay on the bottom. I am so into the bottom that I once dumped a guy with a bad back because I couldn't imagine a future with a dude who HAD to be on the bottom. There is no future in that...I don't mind an occasional trip up top, but I don't have the energy to take over the top spot in the lovemaking department on a permanent basis.

Oh well. I think I need a shower...but I'm wondering, like my fingernails, should I just take advantage of what God has blessed me with and go au naturale? Unfortunately, long, stringy, oily hair isn't in yet. I think dudes can get away with it but chicks can't.

I'm positive that my ex didn't know about that pussy perfume. If he had I'm quite sure that I would have heard this, "A guy at work brought some of that new pussy perfume in to show us and he sprayed some at my face...I swear!"

I would LOVE to hear from the first wife out there who DOES get that excuse from a husband who comes from "work" without washing his face. (If you DO hear, "I was walking through Nordstrom's and the perfume lady attacked me with her pussy spray!"...please email me. I want to write a book about your husband.)

Oops...I have to answer the door. BRB.

OK, I'm back. I was half expecting the Avon lady to come by and try to sell me a knock off on pussy spray. OMG! It just occurred to me that some company will come up with a cheap, imitation pussy perfume that Walgreen's will sell along side of the real pussy perfume. The only thing worse than pussy perfume has got to be cheap, imitation pussy perfume.

I'm working on my own idea...Crotch for Men. I'll market it in San Francisco first and if it goes over, I'll take it national. Then, I'll finish my other project, a unisex perfume for men OR women called Ass in an Atomizer. I've had to put that product on the back burner for now because the atomizer's cost more than the Ass. Once I get some start-up capital, I'll get it on the shelves.

I am selling stock so if any of you want to buy a few shares of my company, Funky People Fragrances Inc., just let me know.

One thing that keeps me...

...from writing more than I do is that other people are freaking me out over it and they aren't even people in my life. How stupid is that? I mustn't let that happen anymore. I do THINK about stuff, I even write some things down if I can find a pen before I forget what I was thinking of. Last night something occurred to me...like a bolt of lightning or the Big Bang, and it sent me scrambling for a pen. It was the answer to the life-riddle, To Shave A Bush or To Not Shave A Bush.

Obviously, the answer is no. I heard the term "beefy red pussy" and that did it. If there's one thing I never want my pussy called, it's "beefy". I haven't had any complaints about the status quo although I think I reached a thoughtful compromise by offering to use any pussy rakes that might be on the market. If one appears, I get a LOT of the money, right? If loose hairs and gagging is a problem, there's no reason to go into overkill to the point of "beefy red". I think I'd rather be Butch Bitch than beefy red...no, I'm sure of it. I have even stopped wearing flannel shirts...they aren't as cute on me as they were when I was 17.

Everyone has always assumed my best friend and I wear either sisters or lesbians. We knew about the sister thing, a lot of people would ask. But they never asked if we were gay although they must have thought it. Neither of us were aware of that thinking for years. Some mutual friend finally said something. We aren't gay, never have been gay and unless she grows a real dick, we shan't be turning gay. Of course, never say never. Actually, she isn't even my gay type. I guess I just "don't like her that way". I haven't met my gay type, yet, mind you. But like I said, you should never say never.

But I am pretty damn sure that I won't run out of humans with dicks in my lifetime so I'll just let the lesbian crap go. Speaking of humans with dicks, I could use one. I keep having sex dreams and they're even more disappointing than the dreams where I win the lottery but wake up before I get the money. Women don't have wet dreams, they have incomplete dreams. Those are hideous. And the bad part is that I never seem to be close enough to a human with a dick to latch onto.

You realize that all of the preceding chit chat was just funny to me...right?


OMG Wendy, what have you done to me? I MUST find a state that allows me to smoke weed legally. I can't write this shit without it! Someone needs to get me a bag-O-greenery and soon. And I give, if you want more of my pussy stuff, just go to the top left hand corner of this bad boy and search it out yourself. I give.


Pps

For John and other boob men, lest they think I forgot about them, and at the risk of hearing "Silver dollar nipples!!!" again...here: