Now THAT'S a Scary Dog!!!

Here is the ONE pet in this house that I didn't kill yesterday. After I scolded a kid for overfeeding his new goldfish (thereby making the water far too cloudy) I decided to change the water in that fishbowl as well as that of his sister's fish.

They left for the morning and I assured them both that with all of my fish experience, I could be trusted to oversee the care of their new companions. Earlier, we had taken a pitcher of water and set it aside because if memory serves, that's what you're supposed to do with tap water before you introduce it to your fish. Ideally, I would have waited overnight to use the water but I figured that a few hours might work. I carefully cleaned both fishbowls and then I poured the sparkling clean water into the sparkling clean bowls and next I lovingly grabbed the fish, one at a time, and placed them into their new and improved environments. I was pleased.

About an hour later, I went over to peek at my new charges and I found the fish as dead as dead can be...laying on the bottoms of their respective bowls. It could not be denied...me, myself and I had killed them both. As I thought about the fact that those two kids would be home within an hour (and most likely rush to see their new pets), a panic grabbed me. I wondered how to rectify the murderous act I had just committed.

OK, I thought, goldfish are easy to replace, even if I had to make up some lame story about how the tail of the little girl's fish was no longer light enough to distinguish it from the boy's fish. I figured the new water could explain away a lot.

I immediately began trying to call the mother of those kids but to no avail. I had to get a ride to Wal-Mart and I did. At that point I was just hoping that the local Wal-Mart had fish.

Now, I should mention that I had just taken a shower and hadn't yet brushed my long, wet hair. My ride came so I ran to the car, brush in hand, trying desperately to brush out my wet and tangled locks. I couldn't do that fast enough so when I ran into Wal-Mart, I looked as though I had just stepped out of a shower. Of course, I had, so I must have looked a fright as I approached the nearest cashier.

"Do you have fish? This is an emergency!!!", I declared with a look of panic and a wet head. I attracted a bit of attention but I didn't care. Those kids would be home soon and I did NOT want to tell them that their fish had been unceremoniously flushed down the toilet. The cashier pointed toward the fish and I ran, very pleased, in the right direction. I found a relatively small collection of tanks, all full of various fish. I glanced into the tanks one at a time, and then I glanced at them all for a second time. I was panicking again as I realized that there wasn't a goldfish to be found in ANY of those tanks.

Time was of the essence so I had no time to go out searching for goldfish. I sucked it up and decided that a couple of live Molly's were better than a couple of dead fish so I made the decision to get 2 of them, a yellow one for the girl and a black one for the boy.

Naturally there wasn't an employee to be found so I ran to the pharmacy around the maxi pads and requested an announcement for ANY assistance in the pet department. The pharmacist, obviously annoyed, looked up from his medicine long enough to refer me to the teenager at the pharmacy register. Once again I explained my plight, only this time I confessed my crime.

"I killed two kid's fish and I have to replace them, NOW!"

I waited semi-patiently for help that never arrived so I decided that I could simply do it myself. There was a sheet of paper hanging on the wall that explained how the employees were to "bag" the fish and mark them for sale. I grabbed a big bag, a net and a huge cup for the water. I removed enough water from the tank to fill BOTH fishbowls and then I went hunting Molly's. After a few minutes, I caught the black one but that yellow sucker was a feisty little fish. Eventually I had them both in my bag so I finished the job by putting the UPC number and quantity on the proper area of the bag.

I had been continuously trying to call the mother of the kids whose fish I has assasinated and while I was waiting in the check-out line, I finally got her to answer her cell phone. "Where are you?" I queried. "On my way to Target." she responded. Pleased that I had chosen the right discount store, I told her what I had done, what I was doing and what I was going to do. Then I requested that she not come home for a half an hour. She agreed. She also agreed that it would be best if the news of the deaths came from me.

I quickly went home, washed the death bowls and filled them with Wal-Mart water and new fish. Then I waited for the victims of my crime to walk in the door.

When they did walk in a few minutes later, they did exactly what I thought they would do...they ran to visit their new pets. When they saw the new fish, they were momentarily ecstatic, thinking that I had simply gotten them more. Then, I watched their pathetic faces as they realized that neither of the new fish had a bowl-mate. The reality of the situation was setting in.

Kids being the fickle little suckers that they are, they quickly overcame their grief and fell in love with the new fish. I promise you, I shall not have anything to do with those Molly's. They probably won't survive the week, but it won't be MY fault when they croak.