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Friday, May 18, 2012

OPERATION BLOWJOB: REWRITE FROM LAST ELECTION


If I worked at a drug store and Monica Lewinsky walked up to the counter with a box of tampons, I wouldn't be able to help myself…I would look her right in the eye and with a deadpan face, I’d say, “You do know where these go, don’t you honey? They’re NOT cigars.”

It must be a rather odd feeling to know that you’ll go down in history for such a relationship with the president. Or do you think future generations will see her differently?

“Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce a woman belonging to a very elite group of heroic American women who have made our great nation a better place for us all, Betsy Ross, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, Monica Lewinsky and Georgetta W. Bush…”

Wouldn’t it be a bitch if we were to find out that blowing a president is the ONE way to get them to do a good job? I think we should have Michelle take that one eyed wonder worm of her husband’s…and make it truly the most powerful penis in the world. Then, if the economy goes up, gas prices go down and Bill O’Reilly has nothing to bitch about anymore…we’ll know it works.

If it doesn’t do a thing, my scientific mind says that we should let Monica try it before we trash the idea completely. After all, she could be the common denominator. We could create a new cabinet, not a cabinet position, but an actual cabinet…one where the president will go every morning after a couple cups of coffee to receive his presidential blow job. Then, he just steps out, buckles his belt and straightens his tie. That’s it. Now he’s ready to make important decisions with a much, much more pleasant demeanor.

Monica would be the perfect person for the job, after all, she spent a lot of time under the presidential desk. We could do better than that with the presidential blow job cabinet. We could even put up mirrors. Well, I guess we’d have to see what Monica looks like on her knees. It might NOT be something the president would want to see.

Maybe we could just put up some nude pictures…Obama could get some nice shots of Haley Berry, Lisa Bonet and Alicia Keys. If Romney wins, he could just put up pictures of mega-rich widows. Whatever floats the presidential boat.

If Operation Blow job works for 3 presidents in a row, we should stick it in the constitution. (I'd love to be in the audience for THAT debate...who would oppose such a bill?) Yep, it might sound crazy, but nothing they’ve done so far has worked. And with the 2 yahoos we have running for president, I don’t see any hope for the future. But, I do have a message for the wives of the presidential hopefuls:


To the merry wives of DC:

BLOW YOUR MEN.

We might just have to send in Monica so for your own good, as well as the good of the entire planet, go down on your men TONIGHT! And remember this, if his dick is in YOUR mouth…it can’t possibly be in ANYONE ELSE'S.

Sincerely,

Meg 

I’m sure it’ll work because I’ve been paying attention. I KNOW BJ Billy’s dick wasn’t in HIS wife’s mouth. She has too much to say and it’s not polite to speak with your mouth full. And then, during the last primary election…I submit that a solid pussy eating every night would have clinched the bid for the Hill-dog. Tell me I’m wrong.

Think about it…don’t you feel better after oral sex? I know it puts a lighter step in my feet the next day.

On the other hand, when I haven’t had ANY sex, I’m pretty much looking for a fight. I’m irritable, cranky and nothing at all like my sweet self. The longer I go without makes me exponentially bitchier.

So, the presidential blowjob is an absolutely valid proposal. If every person out there had oral sex tonight, they would all be a bit happier tomorrow. Oral sex could be like the proverbial pebble on the pond. Your pleasant nature would change things that you would never consider and because of those changes, as in the Butterfly Effect, great things would begin to happen all over the world. You could very well be responsible for saving the planet. All because you did something that you wanted to do anyway.

Now, once you see that I’m right, I want you to write a letter to your congressmen, senators and yes, even the president. Tell them ALL about Operation Blowjob. Appeal to their sexual/politcal ego…tell them that they could lead America to the Gold…we could finally overtake France as the greatest lovers of the world!

They would really be into that idea. I think I’m going to become a lobbyist for my cause. The only problem is that I can’t afford the trip to the lobby. So, if you believe in Operation Blowjob, let me know. I will tell you how you can be a part of saving the future of our civilization in a way that doesn’t endanger the planet, intrude on the rights of any other country nor does it affect manatees one way or another. (Of course, happy people tend to be more philanthropic so it might even HELP the manatees!)

With any money left over after my trip to Washington, I will start a school that will teach attractive young ladies the ancient art of cock sucking. Just imagine a world full of women who can do MUCH more than suck on the head of your penis and call that a blowjob.

This is just one more reason of many that I should be president.

Oh, by the way, as president I would put Johnny Depp, Jude Law and John Goodman in my cabinet. Yes...at the same time.

10 Comments:

Blogger q1605 said...

Monica could become a Jeopardy question.

Richard Nixon.
Henry Kissinger.
Monica Lewinsky.
Ding!
Who are three people that dropped to their knees in the oval office?

May 18, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Damn. I wish I had said that.

May 18, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There once was a woman named Monica
Who claimed to blow cock like a harmonica
She wore a blue dress
And after making a real mess
Retorted "I don't like the taste of "chowdah"

OK, not great, but that's the point: Monica was NOT a pro in the art and science of BJs. For all the "Conspiracy Theory" nuts out there, I'll say, "Yep. Absolutely. Monica was paid off by the Republicans."
For the rest of us who don't wear tin foil pointy hats we know how NOT to make a mess. Especially on a cheap-ass "Dry Clean Only" dress that'll end up costing more than we paid for the rag: We'd have planned ahead for our response to the Dry Cleaner guy who looks at the stain completely perplexed and asks, "What IS this spot exactly?"
"I'm not sure. I was at a seafood buffet and it came home with me."
We know far better than to get that stuff on our clothing, in our hair or on the ceiling. But not Monica. Nice to know we can get POTUS DNA by swabbing the inside of Monica's cheeks-the ones above the ta-tas.
No self-respecting woman would ever make such a mess, although a polite burp and "'Scuse me" should cover any signs of choking or, "GROSS!" post BJ.
However Meg, it's somewhat disconcerting to believe you assume these DC (or ANY Politician's wife) knows what to do, how to do it or just gave up after their experiences with their high school football boyfriend. (Thar be some BAAAD "experiences" back thar!) So I do believe before a Cabinet, we need a refresher course on "BJs 101."
Now for the men: There's a few things you need to know. When you decide to dine at the Y (a necessity, IMO) and it smells like "Tropical Twat" or "Coconut Crotch" you're in trouble. There is absolutely a Conspiracy goin' on and a Cover-Up to boot. Instead of visiting the gyno who will take a "sample" and smear it over a slide, perform a quick Look/See and hand the woman a prescription, you're gonna end up with all kinds of shit you couldn't have imagined in your wildest exotic dreams.
More like a nightmare. It's worse than bad morning breath and lasts a whole lot longer. Further, if you're gonna return the favor, please don't make a comment like, "I gotta really KNOW a girl to do THIS." I can assure you the gates to heaven will slam shut quicker than a Tundra "summer."
We are NOT "girls." We are not gonna give you OUR "best" and settle for the "rest" you deign to fake or insult us with your lack of enthusiasm, vigor or just plain being a real MAN. No one above the age of adolescence has an excuse for such shit-male OR female.
TW

May 18, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

You've reminded me of an old saying, "If it smells like fish, What a dish! If it smells like perfume, run from the room." :)

May 18, 2012  
Blogger q1605 said...

I like the way you are thinking. But for one thing. This is just a sexual version of the eighties supply side economics that Ronald and Nancy shoved down our throats. We saw how little prosperity actually trickled down on Joe Six pack.
So getting a politician laid now, will not facilitate anything from me trickling down onto anyone/thing else except for maybe a dirty sock I keep under my bed.
I consulted with my penis and we both agree. For a Blow Job New World Order to be effective, it must be implemented at the grass roots level.
Political couples already have the infrastructure to capitalize on the scale economies and comparative advantage of outsourcing marital knob polishing to drug addled hookers, maids needing green cards, and stragglers from white house walking tours. And much like corporate welfare, it would turn an efficient preexisting cottage industry, into a bloated bunch of insider pork that wouldn't change a thing outside of the belt.
It's people like me that need more blow jobs. I promise if I get them, I will make each day a new endeavor to spread sunshine and smiles throughout the land.

May 18, 2012  
Blogger q1605 said...

TW. I do the spaghetti test. If I fling a woman's underwear against the wall and they stick, I grab my pants and back out the door.

May 18, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

OK, first...ick.

Secondly, I wasn't clear in that post. I absolutely foresaw blow-jobs for the every-man but I see that I didn't make it clear.

BLOW-JOBS FOR EVERYONE!!!

(I also implied cunnilingus for the every-woman.)

May 19, 2012  
Blogger q1605 said...

***I absolutely foresaw blow-jobs for the every-man.***

So how long before this bill becomes law?

And I will cheerfully reciprocate.

May 19, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Oh, how I love cheerful reciprocity!
The passage of the law is dependent upon Mississippi and Utah...they could hold it up for a while.

May 19, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Abso-tively.
q, You can save your pitching arm by the following: If you're attempting to remove the panties and they seem, well, stuck somehow despite her legs/butt being in the "Proper Position" for panty-disrobing it's not a good sign at all. If they scream in pain when you're trying to dislodge the panty from the body you're probably dealing with a medical matter. Or you're a rapist-I know you're not, but just sayin'. Those of us who do not wish to engage in the ridiculous "trend" of having a crotch we haven't seen since we were 11 (without a mirror/after judicious...ah..."inquiry" ) or think having a "Landing Strip" is de rigour are horribly mistaken. That phenomena will happen naturally as you age. I'm all about neat and tidy but I can not for the life of me understand WHY you'd want to have a totally bald crotch. Unless you get paid for it-ie, a stripper/escort etc. That's gonna itch like a mo-fo as it grows in.
Of course, this is a personal observation based on an event where I was either totally insane, just had another stroke or was bored beyond recognition. And frustrated beyond ALL reason. I decided to work that hair into the shape of a heart. So armed with the razor, scissors, shaving cream and imagination I stood in the shower and did the deed with the pointy end indicating which end was "Down." (It was a really good free-hand job and I'm not even artistically inclined.)
The result? I clogged up the shower drain, wasted a couple of perfectly good razor blades, saw some stuff I hadn't seen in years, itched like hell a few days later and for the next couple of weeks and wurst of all? It didn't help my sex life one bit. I figured if the guy couldn't understand verbal directions, gentle hints and some rather vigorous body language, maybe he'd understand heart-shaped pubes/braille for the sexually impaired. Nope. I decided if I was outta luck, so was he. (He still calls all these years later; apparently no other adult woman wants to engage in a "Show and Tell"/Sex Ed for the Globally "Impaired" to an adult male either.)
Bottom Line: If they're kinda "stuck" where they shouldn't be, immediately reassess the situation and depending on how drunk/high/horny you are proceed with the utmost caution and at your own risk.
Being the good Bushman you are I just want to save you a bit of time and effort. :)
TW

May 19, 2012  

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