This is one of the scariest things that I have ever done...
So...where do I start? That's actually a tough one. Do I start with childhood traumas? Did it start when I was 6 and screamed bad words into the pillow, angry at God for not stopping my parents from fighting? Did it start at the business end of a belt? Let me tell you about men's belts. In the 60's they were skinny and had a whip effect. In the 70's they were wider and covered more surface which left a much bigger bruise. Maybe it started when I was raped as a teenager and then told not to tell anyone because it would ruin my reputation. No one was blamed for that but me. After that, I just suffered through 3 marriages and divorces. They almost seem easy compared to the first 18 years.
I think I could have gotten through the whole divorce thing. For a while there I was doing quite well. I worked a LOT and had my dog, life was sweet. But that only seemed to last a minute before I had the stroke. Perhaps I could have handled that, after all, I'd handled a craniotomy, hysterectomy, gall bladder surgery, parathyroid cancer all just fine. But the one thing that I can't seem to get past is depression. It's more devastating than any physical illness I've been through and seemingly impossible to walk away from. I've lost count of the strokes and the seizures, they seem like blips on my radar. But I wake up in the morning scared and I spend the rest of the day confused about how to stop being scared. The more frightened I am, the less I attempt. The less I attempt, the worse it gets. I feel like I'm wrapped up in that bubble I spoke of earlier and it has desensitized me. The more desensitized I become, the worse I allow it to get. Then...guilt sets in. OMG...the guilt.
It's just one paralyzing, terrifying and never ending cycle. All of the hideous feelings feed off of each other and become stronger until I am about to collapse. I think the only thing holding me up is the knowledge that I'd just have to get my ass back up again and walk in more psychological circles until I have to collapse again. You can only drop something once unless you pick it up over and over again.
So, all of the aforementioned crap has resulted in the me who is doing the best that I can. The bad thing is that the best I can do right now is take the path of least resistance. The worse thing is that the path of least resistance is the wrong path and the longer I stay on it, the harder it'll be to get back to where I belong.
When I work up the emotional strength to do what I know that I should be doing, the logistics get me. I can't get anyplace that I need to go. I can't avail myself of things I need because I can't figure out how to logistically get it all done. Then, it's just so fricking daunting that I freak out thinking about it. Then, I'm back at the beginning and nothing has changed.
The simplest tasks seem to take on unmanagable proportions and the only thing I can do is get up, get dressed and walk to the water trying to figure out what to do.
And it's more than not having anyone around to help, there is someone who goes out of their way to assure that my attention is never left alone long enough for me to think anything through. I have this constant emotional leech that simply won't allow me to take the tiniest step forward. I can't get away and I'm not allowed the time to take care of my own business. I think this is where I need to end for now. I'll be back.