I wish I had a friend

Actually, I do have one...but I don't think I could get 5 words in edgewise to ask for advice. There isn't anyone that I can talk to because my problems scare people away. I still have a firm grasp on reality but sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't. Once you totally lose control, someone else has to worry about you. Right now I would prefer catatonia to constant fear.

This is the type of mood that usually precedes a suicide attempt but worry not, I have no plans to do myself any harm...next week I'm supposed to go to LA to visit my daughter and see my grandson for the first time ever. I can't promise you anything after that except to say that when I get back, I will attend to things before I begin shopping for something in a .44 caliber.

I've literally been sitting here wondering who to call. I need to talk to someone...rather desperately as a matter of fact. But it seems as though everyone I care about only wants to hear good things from me. I wish I had something good to tell them but I don't. I can behave as though nothing is wrong because that's what I do but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not sure what to do and I don't know who to ask for their opinion because they think that I'm trying to get them to solve my problems and I'm not, I just don't seem to have the capacity to figure it out myself.

When you look around and everyone is pretty much gone, you know you're rather dreadful. I'd stick my hand out for help but there isn't a soul to grab it and I'm not sure I blame anybody because I'd hate to think that I might pull them in with me. Overwhelming guilt inevitably follows overwhelming loss. I'm sitting in a rather small bubble of guilt, fear and the feeling that I'm a doe in the headlights. Can you even imagine being perpetually startled and at a loss? I assure you, it's a feeling that no one except my lying cheat of an ex-husband deserves.

This bubble is so all-encompassing that I couldn't find my way TO the tunnel, much less see any light.