You know...
...they say things come in threes and right now, I hope that's true. Today was the third day in a row that I woke up before the sun came out only to walk miles for nothing. Actually, today I had a ride part of the way to 22nd and Hillsborough, but as usually happens, the ride come less than a football field length of where I was heading. (Not that I didn't appreciate the ride...the last football field length is the toughest.)
Anyway, Monday morning I had to walk over a mile to get queued up early enough to be seen earlier. Sounds reasonable unil they called my number and then they let me know that the paper I had brought was NOT a referral Not only that, it was the sheet of paper that THEY had given me when I walked down there pre-busted jaw. I thought it was a referral from the hospital but it turned out to be a list of places I could go get referrals from. I knew that I had a hospital referral in my briefcase but I hadn't brought it with me. So, the nice lady said that if I could go get the referral and be back by 8:40 AM, they would see me. So, I walked briskly back to my hovel and searched everywhere for the referral. I had cleaned out my briefcase recently and put all of my mail, bills and extraneous medical paperwork in a bag. I could NOT find that bag. Period.
Every place that I have to go requires being one of the first 20 or 25 people in line on any given morning. So, it was too late to accomplish anything on Monday.
On Tuesday morning, I woke up early and walked 6 miles too and from (3 miles each way) a place that was (unbeknownst to me) closed. But, when I stopped at the grocery store to buy minutes for my phone so I can stay in touch with my daughter and the nice people from SSI and to buy some water to drink (remember, it's 90 and humid here), I ran into a young lady that used to stay here when I first got here. She told me that you can get a referral right here, at The Good Samaritan. So, I have one now.
So today, I should have gone to the doctors office to see if they'll let me keep that appointment and then come back to Homeless Recovery after I get my meds filled to keep me relatively sane through all of this. But when I got there, they told me that my appointment was for tomorrow.
So, that's what's going on this week with me...futility. Futility is a common thread that runs through my dreams. Ever since I was a kid I've had dreams that had one thing in common...futility. When my ex was cheating and lying about it to me, I had constant dreams of futility. In the dreams since my divorce, I'm always trying to catch Rick in one of his lies or find proof of my suspicions. In my dreams, I never find the proof I need to convince myself that he's cheating even though I KNOW in my dreams that he is. Some of my dreams are just me trying to call for help on a rotary phone and I when I dial the last number, my finger alway slips and I have to dial again. I have a million dreams about futility.
Something must be getting better because a couplre of weeks ago, I dreamt that I actually DID catch Rick cheating on me. That's gotta be progress of some sort, doesn't it?
Anyway, Monday morning I had to walk over a mile to get queued up early enough to be seen earlier. Sounds reasonable unil they called my number and then they let me know that the paper I had brought was NOT a referral Not only that, it was the sheet of paper that THEY had given me when I walked down there pre-busted jaw. I thought it was a referral from the hospital but it turned out to be a list of places I could go get referrals from. I knew that I had a hospital referral in my briefcase but I hadn't brought it with me. So, the nice lady said that if I could go get the referral and be back by 8:40 AM, they would see me. So, I walked briskly back to my hovel and searched everywhere for the referral. I had cleaned out my briefcase recently and put all of my mail, bills and extraneous medical paperwork in a bag. I could NOT find that bag. Period.
Every place that I have to go requires being one of the first 20 or 25 people in line on any given morning. So, it was too late to accomplish anything on Monday.
On Tuesday morning, I woke up early and walked 6 miles too and from (3 miles each way) a place that was (unbeknownst to me) closed. But, when I stopped at the grocery store to buy minutes for my phone so I can stay in touch with my daughter and the nice people from SSI and to buy some water to drink (remember, it's 90 and humid here), I ran into a young lady that used to stay here when I first got here. She told me that you can get a referral right here, at The Good Samaritan. So, I have one now.
So today, I should have gone to the doctors office to see if they'll let me keep that appointment and then come back to Homeless Recovery after I get my meds filled to keep me relatively sane through all of this. But when I got there, they told me that my appointment was for tomorrow.
So, that's what's going on this week with me...futility. Futility is a common thread that runs through my dreams. Ever since I was a kid I've had dreams that had one thing in common...futility. When my ex was cheating and lying about it to me, I had constant dreams of futility. In the dreams since my divorce, I'm always trying to catch Rick in one of his lies or find proof of my suspicions. In my dreams, I never find the proof I need to convince myself that he's cheating even though I KNOW in my dreams that he is. Some of my dreams are just me trying to call for help on a rotary phone and I when I dial the last number, my finger alway slips and I have to dial again. I have a million dreams about futility.
Something must be getting better because a couplre of weeks ago, I dreamt that I actually DID catch Rick cheating on me. That's gotta be progress of some sort, doesn't it?
posted by Meg Kelso | 8:17 PM
2 Comments:
It's so hard to see progress when you're in the middle of things. But you have taken so many steps to get away from that situation!
Little steps add up to miles. A drop of water changes the level of the ocean. Etc, more corny encouraging things here...
Just keep swimming. Maybe this is the place you had to go in order to get clarity - on how your picker is broken. So you can work on fixing it? So you don't end up with another guy who appeals to that side of you - the side of you that ends up with guys like Kelso...
NO PREACHING! My picker was broken too! But you're fixing stuff, working on stuff, getting strong.
One step at a time.
Thanks again girl, you really didn't have to do that. Not that it doesn't help, it most assuredly does. AND...since the money is hard earned money from people trying to help me, I've stopped buying things that aren't absolutely necessary. The other day when I walked to the closed place, I wouldn't even spend the 4 bucks to take the bus (although I seriously considered spending 2 bucks to get back!) because Lord knows, as soon as I spend a dime on something not absolutely necessary, I'll NEED something and then I won't have the cash to pay for it. Also, as just happened this morning, people ask me for cash and I tell them, "Someone who cares about me sent me a few bucks and they didn't send it for me to give it away to someone else." So the people who sent me cash are helping me in more ways than one.
My picker has been fired. I could go the rest of my life single and not miss having a man. I figured it out, all I need is a heating pad at night for when I'm cold and a dog for when I'm lonely.
Also, I want to thank the people who wrote to apologize for not having money to give me. There's no need to apologize for that, not a bit. The moral support I've been getting from my online friends is keeping me strong in ways that I couldn't have predicted.
I'll never, ever forget how you all have been there for me. Remember, I've never had much in the way of family support so I'm not used to having people cheer me on...let me tell you, it does wonders for me. Thanks again...you're a doll and I owe ya a few...I just hope that I get a chance to pay you back in some way.
:)
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