I Put 2 Posts Back Up...

...that I had taken down to avoid hurt feelings. It didn't work. Apparently, it did annoy one person but not enough for that person to call me and confront me about it. Rather, they called their own father who had never read what I wrote but chose to call my 80 year old father and complain to him about what I had written. I guess they were thinking that talking directly to me wasn't good enough when they could harass my father in hopes of causing a rift between the two of us. Knowing the yahoos involved, my guess is they hoped that my father would scold me, and if they were really lucky, he might even kick me out and leave me homeless again.

I tried to assuage people who may have been annoyed but it got me nowhere so I've decided to change my tactics. (I chose that word for someone who has a problem with the definition of it.) But, to protect my father from any further emotional turmoil, I chose to discuss it with him myself before I did anything. I stated my view and told him what I planned on doing. He understood where I was coming from but he didn't agree with my plans so we simply agreed to disagree. As it stands now, any further phone calls to my father are now without any logical reason.

I've been having one health problem after another lately including a heart attack, a stroke, renal failure and a diagnosis of "broken heart syndrome". My heart was demolished in 2004 so I'm surprised it took that long to attack me. The worst health problem that I have today is major depressive disorder and a hideous case of anxiety disorder. My depression has kept me isolated to the point that I haven't even been able to utilize my usual cathartic mechanisms, this blog and my writing.

When I began this blog in January of 2005, it helped me quite a bit. I had a place to espouse my honest feelings, raw and unpleasant though they may have been. Unfortunately, lately I've allowed myself to worry more about the feelings of other people than I did my own. That would have been fine if it had done me any good in my relationships with certain people but all it did was make me feel worse and eventually I suffered a heart attack...I actually had a HEART ATTACK! I attribute it directly to the way I allowed myself to be treated and my lack of an outlet for my feelings which I simply kept bottled up inside of me, much to my own detriment.

That's what I wanted to explain to you all and next I will start telling you all exactly what led me to this point. It won't be pretty but it will be honest. I will be admitting to some things of which I am not very proud. I've come to the conclusion that this tact is the only way that I can live with myself. Right now it's almost midnight so I'm going to go to bed. But as soon as I've gotten some shut eye and given the matter some more thought, I will be back to begin spewing the ugly truths that I can no longer keep inside of me without further harm to my own health.

Ciao, be back very soon...I promise. I need to sing a better song.