I spent the last three years of my five-year marriage way more committed to the marriage than to the man, and that was hard to give up.

OMG! Anne, you have just sparked an epiphany!!! It IS the marriage, not the man! Oh, you have no idea how much that helps me. When I am sad, it is not for Vex, it is for the marriage. I have never thought about that being an option. Oh my God, do you know how hard I have been beating myself up over the fact that I was so sad and lonely? How could I be sad and lonely over someone who would be so cruel to me?! It isn’t him, it’s the marriage. Girl, you have just given me permission to mourn something that I was ashamed to mourn and didn’t understand. You will never know how important that was to me.

I don’t miss Vex, I miss someone to hold. I don’t miss him, I miss having a best friend right here in my house. I miss having someone to run out and buy me some ice cream after I have my jammies on at night, someone to agree with me when I am mad at someone else, someone to laugh with when I watch Seinfeld, someone to be impressed when I answer all of the Jeopardy questions, to warm me at night, to call me for no reason in the middle of the day, to take care of me when I am sick, to hold on to my foot when I am in the MRI machine and all claustrophobic. I just miss having a man that loves me. I miss being special to someone. I see husbands and wives and I think, “I wonder if they know how lucky they are.” I just miss having someone who loves ME. I have been missing that for years, when he was here he didn’t love me.

So, I just gave myself permission to cry again, I haven’t done that in so long because I refused to cry for him. But there isn’t anything wrong with crying for the life that I used to have and the security that I used to feel. There isn’t anything wrong with crying over the loss of the marriage itself, good or bad, it was a very long relationship. I was only 24 when we met and I will be 47 in a few weeks. My entire adult life was spent on a man who didn’t have the capacity to be what I needed. I didn’t ask for much, just love. I am not very materialistic, which is good, he never had a dime. But I didn’t care because I had one husband who had a lot of money and would buy me whatever I wanted but he also spent it on other women. Why is it so hard to find someone who will just be happy to have one good woman? I don’t expect an answer to that, it was rhetorical. Anyway, Anne, thank you, you really are a good friend. (My Dad is leaving in a little while and I will call you when he does.)

And my horoscope for today:

Although you are riding a building wave of unexpressed feelings that are coming to the surface, this is not enough to pull you away from the sweeter side of life. Remain open to the love that is all around you, even if you are wary of it turning into something less than what you'd ultimately desire.

Damn.

Meg