I’m not having sex tonight...
...and I’m not going to the doctor this week. And after what I’ve just done, I don’t think I’ll be doing either of those things for a while. I just did something that I mentioned jokingly earlier in the week.
My toe was knocking drips of water of off of the spigot and you know how boring that can be. I looked around for something else to do and before I knew it, I had my Lady Bic in one hand and a can of Skintimate Shaving Lotion in the other. I started shaving, innocuously enough, with my arm pits. The next thing I know, I’m not going to the doctor OR having sex for a very long time. I wouldn’t know how in the world to explain what I just did to myself.
“Just shave the whole thing, Meg.” you might say. That’s no good either because a bald Sally is not undeserving of an explanation in itself. Oh well. As there is not a man nor are there stirrups anytime in my foreseeable future, I have time to work on this problem. Time alone could solve it only that would be a completely NEW problem, wouldn’t it?
My choices here aren’t really very good, whichever way you look at it. Either I will have some explaining to do or I won’t get laid until this mess grows back. One way or the other, I’m not a happy camper right now.
This never would have happened in the first place if the Bears game had been televised in Atlanta. I never would have been so bored that I started looking around for things to do in the bathtub. As the butler in the movie Arthur once said, “Bathing is a lonely proposition.” There’s no one to talk to at all. I used to have Rick come in and keep me company but he’s gone so now I just sit there like an idiot doing stupid things like I just did.
He also used to wash my back for me. I can take care of that because I broke my left arm and now it moves a little bit too much. The break was in my elbow and for some reason I have an amazing range of motion with my left arm so there isn’t one spot on myself that I can’t reach. I don’t need anyone to wash my back, but I sure could use someone to talk to when I’m in there.
Oh well, maybe someday. For now, I’ll just try and figure out a good story for why I have a crooked mohawk where I should have...something...almost anything else.
I should have just played with the toys that were in there. I did start playing with a whale but it kept sinking so that was just stupid. Then, I played with a couple of balls but that wasn’t any fun. It was about then that I picked up the razor.
I should have had bubbles. Those are never boring. There’s always a new shape in the suds and I never get bored when I take a bubble bath. Yeah, I never thought about that before, but it’s true. Bubble baths are good. I will take them from now on unless I’m in a shower mood. There.
Of course, I’m still left with a minor problem downtown but I’ve survived worse. I’ll deal with this easily enough.
You see, this is why it’s good to talk things out. Once you say them, they don’t seem so bad anymore. So, this is less and less of a problem all the time. Cool.
Now I’m bored again.
Hmm. This could be a problem.
The guy with whom I am hoping to consummate my divorce is supposed to be calling soon. That should un-bore me. Hopefully, I won’t do anything else too stupid before he does call. AND...I really hope that I won’t be making any further major changes to my person. It’s not that there isn’t room for improvement, I just don’t like to take chances and after what I did today, I’m particularly skittish.
Well, I suppose I should go look for something to do. I’ll work on the house, not me.
See ya,
Meg
...and I’m not going to the doctor this week. And after what I’ve just done, I don’t think I’ll be doing either of those things for a while. I just did something that I mentioned jokingly earlier in the week.
My toe was knocking drips of water of off of the spigot and you know how boring that can be. I looked around for something else to do and before I knew it, I had my Lady Bic in one hand and a can of Skintimate Shaving Lotion in the other. I started shaving, innocuously enough, with my arm pits. The next thing I know, I’m not going to the doctor OR having sex for a very long time. I wouldn’t know how in the world to explain what I just did to myself.
“Just shave the whole thing, Meg.” you might say. That’s no good either because a bald Sally is not undeserving of an explanation in itself. Oh well. As there is not a man nor are there stirrups anytime in my foreseeable future, I have time to work on this problem. Time alone could solve it only that would be a completely NEW problem, wouldn’t it?
My choices here aren’t really very good, whichever way you look at it. Either I will have some explaining to do or I won’t get laid until this mess grows back. One way or the other, I’m not a happy camper right now.
This never would have happened in the first place if the Bears game had been televised in Atlanta. I never would have been so bored that I started looking around for things to do in the bathtub. As the butler in the movie Arthur once said, “Bathing is a lonely proposition.” There’s no one to talk to at all. I used to have Rick come in and keep me company but he’s gone so now I just sit there like an idiot doing stupid things like I just did.
He also used to wash my back for me. I can take care of that because I broke my left arm and now it moves a little bit too much. The break was in my elbow and for some reason I have an amazing range of motion with my left arm so there isn’t one spot on myself that I can’t reach. I don’t need anyone to wash my back, but I sure could use someone to talk to when I’m in there.
Oh well, maybe someday. For now, I’ll just try and figure out a good story for why I have a crooked mohawk where I should have...something...almost anything else.
I should have just played with the toys that were in there. I did start playing with a whale but it kept sinking so that was just stupid. Then, I played with a couple of balls but that wasn’t any fun. It was about then that I picked up the razor.
I should have had bubbles. Those are never boring. There’s always a new shape in the suds and I never get bored when I take a bubble bath. Yeah, I never thought about that before, but it’s true. Bubble baths are good. I will take them from now on unless I’m in a shower mood. There.
Of course, I’m still left with a minor problem downtown but I’ve survived worse. I’ll deal with this easily enough.
You see, this is why it’s good to talk things out. Once you say them, they don’t seem so bad anymore. So, this is less and less of a problem all the time. Cool.
Now I’m bored again.
Hmm. This could be a problem.
The guy with whom I am hoping to consummate my divorce is supposed to be calling soon. That should un-bore me. Hopefully, I won’t do anything else too stupid before he does call. AND...I really hope that I won’t be making any further major changes to my person. It’s not that there isn’t room for improvement, I just don’t like to take chances and after what I did today, I’m particularly skittish.
Well, I suppose I should go look for something to do. I’ll work on the house, not me.
See ya,
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 2:32 PM
2 Comments:
Oh don't feel bad. Once when I was bored (and stone cold sober) I shaved mine into the shape of a heart with the pointy end heading in the correct direction. (How's THAT for a "hint?")
What's a young, not-wanna-be-widow who had a marriage that was absolutely 180 from yours gonna do with all this grief?! Thass right...get creative.
In the almost 20 yrs. since then I've learned a few things. Like-
When that hair starts growing in you're gonna itch like you have the world's worst case of crabs when nothing even vaguely resembling a life form has headed in that direction in....well, faaar tooo loong. But I was out of practice and gettin' pretty desperate. I had no clue what the Protocol For Dating was at the time. I found out eventually it hadn't changed much. Once you weed out the married men, the living-with-someone men what's left is far more frightening than any creative imagining I could have aspired to in terms of "life forms."
(I also learned some weed is a good thing. Whoa baby, this is NOT your '60's weed!)
TW
No, this is special, new and improved weed. I love marijuana and I love the fact that no one can arrest me for saying so. Weed is good.
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