Dear Meg,
"...what I'm struggling to explain (to an 8 year old) is why I married him in the first place..."
That's a tough one because an eight year old cannot possibly understand the feelings that you have when you fall in love...or into something like it. One thing that I'm sure of, you can't possibly give them too much information, they understand what they can and they disregard the rest.
I would compare your feelings to hers...is there a friend that she has had that she no longer plays with? Even a game or toy would work. You could just explain to her that at one time, you felt as though it was the right thing to do and now you've grown up a bit and don't feel the same as you used to.
Whatever you do, make sure to let her know how happy you are that you married him because if you didn't, you wouldn't have her. Tell her that people aren't perfect but everyday, people do the best that they can do to do the right thing. They learn that the things they do aren't always right and that sometimes the things that they do turn out to be downright stupid but they learn from them and one way or another, sooner or later, they figure out why things happen the way that they do. Tell her that you don't know why you married him but you know that you were supposed to because that's the only way that you could have gotten her.
Of course, I'm assuming that the fat bastard is her father. If he isn't, the lesson is still the same. Some day, you will know why you married him, even if it was only to teach HER to be very careful when SHE chooses a husband.
Most people absolutely DO think that the things they're doing are the right things to do when they do them. Even if they have to lie to themselves, they think they are right. Rick lied to himself to convince himself that he was right to sleep with some nasty trailer park bimbo. So, as rotten as some of our choices are, we all feel as though we're doing the right things.
When I was about 8, my parents separated and it made me feel so dreadfully insecure and afraid. Everything that I knew was shaken apart...it was an awful feeling. I wish someone would have taken the time to explain things to me. I think it would have made all the difference in the world. Kids don't know to ASK why things are happening the way they are so it's up to us to explain it to them so that they don't feel so frightened.
Whatever you do, make sure to tell her that you're there and that you always will be. Let her know that if she has any questions, you'll be happy to answer them. When you tuck her in at night, ask her if there's anything that makes her unhappy. Tell her that you want her to go to bed happy every night so she needs to tell you what makes her sad so that you can do your best to fix it and if you can't, you'll be able to be sad WITH her because when people are sad together, they aren't as sad as when they're sad alone. Tell her to share her sadness with you and you can share yours with her. If you both do that, you will both be happier sooner and then you can share happiness. Just being there for her is important...if she can trust that, she'll be fine.
You know, some parents let kids raise themselves and when they do, the kids flounder. They don't know what to do or how to act. They end up figuring things out on their own and when they do that, they make a shitload of mistakes. When they have decent parents who take their job seriously and do it thoughtfully and with purpose, they say things like this:
"...See, I was always taught to treat a woman the way you would want your mother treated in the same situation..."
This man obviously had parents who went out of their way to talk to him. I remember lessons that my parents taught me like that. Rick's parents were both alcoholics and they did let him raise himself. He had nothing to base his behavior on so when he was confronted with life and the tough things that it throws at you...he hadn't a clue how to do anything other than what he wanted to do. Naturally, since he didn't have parents to teach him how to behave...he didn't have any tools to use when he had his own kids.
If you don't give a kid direction, they have no idea where to go or how to get there. They end up satisfying whatever urge they have...immediate gratification is the way they live their lives. That will get them in trouble with the law, it will keep them from learning in school and it will leave them without the satisfaction that comes from working toward a goal and accomplishing it. When you don't give a kid any direction, you rob them of the opportunity to have a decent life. That isn't fair to them. Hell, if they never learn how to behave, they may very well end up the topic of a blog written by an angry ex-wife.
By the way...the man who wrote the above sentence had very smart parents. I AM somebody's mother.
OH! By the way...I remembered one of the things that I wanted to write about the other day. I was watching TV, which I don't usually do. I saw a bunch of commercials for some diet drug called Relacore and it had before and after pictures of people. The odd thing about them was the people never seemed to have any fat in their faces. The same face was on the before pictures AND the after pictures. When I lost all of my weight from the cancer, it left my face (and my boobs. Alas, my boobs, I knew them well.) See if you notice it as well.
OK...I'm going to act like it's bedtime and go to sleep.
See ya!
Meg
"...what I'm struggling to explain (to an 8 year old) is why I married him in the first place..."
That's a tough one because an eight year old cannot possibly understand the feelings that you have when you fall in love...or into something like it. One thing that I'm sure of, you can't possibly give them too much information, they understand what they can and they disregard the rest.
I would compare your feelings to hers...is there a friend that she has had that she no longer plays with? Even a game or toy would work. You could just explain to her that at one time, you felt as though it was the right thing to do and now you've grown up a bit and don't feel the same as you used to.
Whatever you do, make sure to let her know how happy you are that you married him because if you didn't, you wouldn't have her. Tell her that people aren't perfect but everyday, people do the best that they can do to do the right thing. They learn that the things they do aren't always right and that sometimes the things that they do turn out to be downright stupid but they learn from them and one way or another, sooner or later, they figure out why things happen the way that they do. Tell her that you don't know why you married him but you know that you were supposed to because that's the only way that you could have gotten her.
Of course, I'm assuming that the fat bastard is her father. If he isn't, the lesson is still the same. Some day, you will know why you married him, even if it was only to teach HER to be very careful when SHE chooses a husband.
Most people absolutely DO think that the things they're doing are the right things to do when they do them. Even if they have to lie to themselves, they think they are right. Rick lied to himself to convince himself that he was right to sleep with some nasty trailer park bimbo. So, as rotten as some of our choices are, we all feel as though we're doing the right things.
When I was about 8, my parents separated and it made me feel so dreadfully insecure and afraid. Everything that I knew was shaken apart...it was an awful feeling. I wish someone would have taken the time to explain things to me. I think it would have made all the difference in the world. Kids don't know to ASK why things are happening the way they are so it's up to us to explain it to them so that they don't feel so frightened.
Whatever you do, make sure to tell her that you're there and that you always will be. Let her know that if she has any questions, you'll be happy to answer them. When you tuck her in at night, ask her if there's anything that makes her unhappy. Tell her that you want her to go to bed happy every night so she needs to tell you what makes her sad so that you can do your best to fix it and if you can't, you'll be able to be sad WITH her because when people are sad together, they aren't as sad as when they're sad alone. Tell her to share her sadness with you and you can share yours with her. If you both do that, you will both be happier sooner and then you can share happiness. Just being there for her is important...if she can trust that, she'll be fine.
You know, some parents let kids raise themselves and when they do, the kids flounder. They don't know what to do or how to act. They end up figuring things out on their own and when they do that, they make a shitload of mistakes. When they have decent parents who take their job seriously and do it thoughtfully and with purpose, they say things like this:
"...See, I was always taught to treat a woman the way you would want your mother treated in the same situation..."
This man obviously had parents who went out of their way to talk to him. I remember lessons that my parents taught me like that. Rick's parents were both alcoholics and they did let him raise himself. He had nothing to base his behavior on so when he was confronted with life and the tough things that it throws at you...he hadn't a clue how to do anything other than what he wanted to do. Naturally, since he didn't have parents to teach him how to behave...he didn't have any tools to use when he had his own kids.
If you don't give a kid direction, they have no idea where to go or how to get there. They end up satisfying whatever urge they have...immediate gratification is the way they live their lives. That will get them in trouble with the law, it will keep them from learning in school and it will leave them without the satisfaction that comes from working toward a goal and accomplishing it. When you don't give a kid any direction, you rob them of the opportunity to have a decent life. That isn't fair to them. Hell, if they never learn how to behave, they may very well end up the topic of a blog written by an angry ex-wife.
By the way...the man who wrote the above sentence had very smart parents. I AM somebody's mother.
OH! By the way...I remembered one of the things that I wanted to write about the other day. I was watching TV, which I don't usually do. I saw a bunch of commercials for some diet drug called Relacore and it had before and after pictures of people. The odd thing about them was the people never seemed to have any fat in their faces. The same face was on the before pictures AND the after pictures. When I lost all of my weight from the cancer, it left my face (and my boobs. Alas, my boobs, I knew them well.) See if you notice it as well.
OK...I'm going to act like it's bedtime and go to sleep.
See ya!
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 6:33 PM
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