OK...
...I've revamped the whole thing, here it is:
ROOMMATE WANTED:
I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because I was dumped by my husband of 17 years about 2 years ago. I don't mind having a female roommate, but for the sake of full disclosure, I should let you know that I don't get along with most women. I find the majority of them to be annoying as I'm sure they would find me to be. My personality type is one that seems to get along with men. Also, I don't really like the idea of jockeying for mirror space and fighting over curling irons and borrowed sweaters. And then you have that whole synchronization of cycles that would ultimately lead to simultaneous PMS-ing and that would just blow. I could imagine finding a woman who would do...but I can also imagine winning the lottery. I would prefer a man for a roommate for a variety of reasons. But, not just any man. I would have to say that the ideal candidate would be a man who was recently tossed out on his ass by an angry wife. One who misses the yard work and Saturday morning chore lists. I offer the right man the opportunity to carry on with his man-chore instinct. You can even bring your own tools, lawnmower and other man stuff that you would otherwise need to store. My tools double as kitchen utensils and I'd rather not damage my cutlery trying to unscrew something so I don't mind letting you bring your stuff here. You could even have your own shed! Now, I will rent to a person of low intelligence, but I would have to have something in return. He would either have to work a helluva lot harder doing work around the house or pay more in rent for the time I would spend frustrated. Stupid people frustrate the heck out of me and I'd really prefer a bright guy. One who could answer a few questions on Jeopardy would be good. Once again, a man who has recently been dumped might miss certain things in life and if Jeopardy is one of them, we can do that together! Also, if you've been eating a lot of Hot Pockets lately, you can go back to eating home cooked food because I love to cook and I used to be married to an Italian. I somehow acquired that quality of Italian women...I love to feed people and watch them eat the food I cook. And if your wife was a dreadful cook, you have a treat in store for you because I take a lot of pride in my cooking ability. Unfortunately, I'd have to put the kibosh on any sexual antics, I can't have sex with a roommate or I lose my alimony so that would never be a problem. I'm a very easy to get a long with person and I choose not to argue. I prefer instead to speak rationally or communicate in writing or by e-mail. That works to both of our advantage because we would cut down on any heated discussions and have a record with which we could defend ourselves if we should end up on Judge Judy. I don't like to see a man do housework so you would never have to do any of that unless you wanted to. I am even willing to do your laundry but as of my divorce, I don't do skid marks. I'm sort of like Edith Bunker, I run around cleaning things and dusting in an apron so you should know about that. Since I'm NOT your wife, you are under no obligation to speak to me or bring me roses or anything stupid like that. But, it would help if we shared some of the same interests simply for the sake of maintaining a challenging environment in the home. Keeping that in mind, I have to say that the following list is written for the sake of harmony and in the spirit of the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness: there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, religious zealots, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. Also, I have a broad range of interests should you want to watch a movie together but I am not a fan of Steven Seagal (sorry badboy) or karate movies. Of course, you can watch them...but I'll be in my room reading. See? Not being married has it's advantages. I don't expect you to so much as SPEAK to me...this is the perfect situation for the man who wants all the non-sexual benefits of marriage without any of the emotional toll! And on top of that...I love football, baseball and hockey so I would even sit around and do that with you if your buddies can't be found. And then I'd bake cookies. Your buddies wouldn't do that.
So, that's that. Now what do you think? I'll get this fucker done one way or another. Now I'm going to just write something. So, I'll be back again.
Ciao
...I've revamped the whole thing, here it is:
ROOMMATE WANTED:
I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because I was dumped by my husband of 17 years about 2 years ago. I don't mind having a female roommate, but for the sake of full disclosure, I should let you know that I don't get along with most women. I find the majority of them to be annoying as I'm sure they would find me to be. My personality type is one that seems to get along with men. Also, I don't really like the idea of jockeying for mirror space and fighting over curling irons and borrowed sweaters. And then you have that whole synchronization of cycles that would ultimately lead to simultaneous PMS-ing and that would just blow. I could imagine finding a woman who would do...but I can also imagine winning the lottery. I would prefer a man for a roommate for a variety of reasons. But, not just any man. I would have to say that the ideal candidate would be a man who was recently tossed out on his ass by an angry wife. One who misses the yard work and Saturday morning chore lists. I offer the right man the opportunity to carry on with his man-chore instinct. You can even bring your own tools, lawnmower and other man stuff that you would otherwise need to store. My tools double as kitchen utensils and I'd rather not damage my cutlery trying to unscrew something so I don't mind letting you bring your stuff here. You could even have your own shed! Now, I will rent to a person of low intelligence, but I would have to have something in return. He would either have to work a helluva lot harder doing work around the house or pay more in rent for the time I would spend frustrated. Stupid people frustrate the heck out of me and I'd really prefer a bright guy. One who could answer a few questions on Jeopardy would be good. Once again, a man who has recently been dumped might miss certain things in life and if Jeopardy is one of them, we can do that together! Also, if you've been eating a lot of Hot Pockets lately, you can go back to eating home cooked food because I love to cook and I used to be married to an Italian. I somehow acquired that quality of Italian women...I love to feed people and watch them eat the food I cook. And if your wife was a dreadful cook, you have a treat in store for you because I take a lot of pride in my cooking ability. Unfortunately, I'd have to put the kibosh on any sexual antics, I can't have sex with a roommate or I lose my alimony so that would never be a problem. I'm a very easy to get a long with person and I choose not to argue. I prefer instead to speak rationally or communicate in writing or by e-mail. That works to both of our advantage because we would cut down on any heated discussions and have a record with which we could defend ourselves if we should end up on Judge Judy. I don't like to see a man do housework so you would never have to do any of that unless you wanted to. I am even willing to do your laundry but as of my divorce, I don't do skid marks. I'm sort of like Edith Bunker, I run around cleaning things and dusting in an apron so you should know about that. Since I'm NOT your wife, you are under no obligation to speak to me or bring me roses or anything stupid like that. But, it would help if we shared some of the same interests simply for the sake of maintaining a challenging environment in the home. Keeping that in mind, I have to say that the following list is written for the sake of harmony and in the spirit of the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness: there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, religious zealots, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. Also, I have a broad range of interests should you want to watch a movie together but I am not a fan of Steven Seagal (sorry badboy) or karate movies. Of course, you can watch them...but I'll be in my room reading. See? Not being married has it's advantages. I don't expect you to so much as SPEAK to me...this is the perfect situation for the man who wants all the non-sexual benefits of marriage without any of the emotional toll! And on top of that...I love football, baseball and hockey so I would even sit around and do that with you if your buddies can't be found. And then I'd bake cookies. Your buddies wouldn't do that.
So, that's that. Now what do you think? I'll get this fucker done one way or another. Now I'm going to just write something. So, I'll be back again.
Ciao
posted by Meg Kelso | 12:40 PM
2 Comments:
you know...you should make these for people (as a consultant) and print them on cards to hand out to potential mates. People could sit with you (virtually even) for a few hours, decide what to put in the 'ad', and then hand these out at bars (or wherever they hang out). OR they can be posted on a board inside a bar/club/Barnes & Noble (yeah, some of us geeks like to hang out in bookstores! LOL) with their cell number and people can just call whoever they have a common interest in. If you are still around, you meet and see how things go. It'd be way better than meeting someone simply because they are attractive and they end up having nothing in common.
Ok, I know, I need sleep. I'm being silly. I'm off to fight the cat for bedspace.
:)
Well, I certainly thought it would be a better idea than just saying "Room for Rent". I've done that before to dreadful results. The offers were all so bad that in two years of occasionally putting up an ad, I've never found anyone that I would take a chance on.
And fighting the cat for bed space, LOL...I can relate to that. Not only does the cat lie wherever I want to put my feet, the dog lies on the floor waiting for me to fall alseep so he can jump up on the bed OR the couch and lie next to me.
Tonight I was "entertaining" in my room and afterwards, all 3 of the mammals who live with me were lying on the floor outside the door.
I almost tripped over them. That would have been so embarrassing in what I was wearing. Oh well.
Now I'm going to fight the cat for bed space. See you all in the morning!
Meg
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