OK...
...not being able to pass up a dare, I posted that thing. But, to conform to the rules against discrimination, I had to tweak it a bit so this is the finished product:
Somewhat picky but overall easy to get along with seeks same:
ROOMMATE WANTED:
I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because my lying, cheat of a husband left me here alone. But, there are a few things that I thought that I should mention because not just any person will do. First off...I don't get along with most women. Basically I don't want to have to jockey for mirror space in the big bathroom, find strange men walking around my house in the middle of the night or deal with someone else who is PMS-ing when I am. If you live with another female long enough, your cycles will become synchronized and the two of us PMS-ing simultaneously would lead to certain obliteration of any friendly relationship that we might have developed in the previous 3 weeks. So, please give my feelings due consideration when applying. If someone asked me to describe the type of roommate that I think would produce the most harmony in my home (I love harmony, don't you?) would be be a good sized man because there are a few manly chores that need to be done. I don't mind cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry, but the yard is man territory except for my garden and the plants on my deck. (I don't mind doing the laundry but if you can't wipe your ass any better than my husband did, you'll have to do your own laundry and you'll have to do it somewhere else. I have washed my last pair of shorts with skid marks in them and I don't want any to touch my washer.) So, mowing the lawn and raking are a couple of the things that I would expect from my roomie. Since I've been alone for a while, there are a few things around the place that need fixing so bring your tools. My flat head screwdriver is a butter knife and my phillips head is a steak knife. My hammer is a rolling pin and those are all the tools that I have. I do accomplish quite a bit with them but things are sort of falling apart on me so I have about a month of weekends worth of chores for you to help me with and after that, one weekend a month maintenance work will be required. Other duties will include (but are not limited to) killing bugs, changing the furnace filter in a creepy crawlspace once a month, giving me an occasional ride and watching Jeopardy with me. The ideal roommate will be able to answer at least a few questions on Jeopardy so there is a bit of intelligence would be a plus. A triple digit is good but over 130 would be great. I would except an idiot but the rent would be higher to make up for the irritation caused by answering stupid questions and explaining the big words. I just spent a very long time with an moron and I just can't do it anymore without compensation. :) It would be good if we shared some of the same interests because I might want you to take me some place fun every so often. Don't worry, my husband only took me out once every other year so I'm used to staying home a lot...there won't be too many field trips. A cop or an army dude would be best at making me feel safe, but any really large man with juevos would do. Although I do enjoy a friendly debate now and then, I don't argue so you will have to submit all complaints in writing. That not only keeps the loud discussions to a minimum but it also provides both of us with evidence should we ever appear on Judge Judy. There will be no sex because if I sleep with a roommate, I won't receive my alimony and that SOB is going to pay for as long as the court allows. You can have female guests overnight but they can't live here. (See above reasons why I don't want another woman living in my house.) For the sake of my sanity and our continued happiness and harmony as roommates, there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, religous zealots, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. I think you should know that upfront. That goes for you AND your visitors. I appreciate living in a country that allows for freedom of expression in print, the press and in the lifestyle that we choose to live. The ideal roommate will share this philospohy with me. I retain total power of the remote control in my living room at all times but you would have cable in your own room if you must hold one while watching TV. I have a very broad range of interests when it comes to movies but I draw the line at Steven Seagal, karate movies and anything at all to do with Michael Moore. I like football and so must you. I find there to be something inherently wrong with a man who doesn't watch football. It'd be nice if you liked baseball too but that's not mandatory. If you were a Cubs fan I might have to rethink the alimony thing. OK...I think that's all. But as a woman, I reserve the right to change the rules as I see fit. Thanks and have a great day!
Alrighty then, oops, I forgot to change the font. Oh well. Now I have to run and write something.
BRB
Meg
...not being able to pass up a dare, I posted that thing. But, to conform to the rules against discrimination, I had to tweak it a bit so this is the finished product:
Somewhat picky but overall easy to get along with seeks same:
ROOMMATE WANTED:
I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because my lying, cheat of a husband left me here alone. But, there are a few things that I thought that I should mention because not just any person will do. First off...I don't get along with most women. Basically I don't want to have to jockey for mirror space in the big bathroom, find strange men walking around my house in the middle of the night or deal with someone else who is PMS-ing when I am. If you live with another female long enough, your cycles will become synchronized and the two of us PMS-ing simultaneously would lead to certain obliteration of any friendly relationship that we might have developed in the previous 3 weeks. So, please give my feelings due consideration when applying. If someone asked me to describe the type of roommate that I think would produce the most harmony in my home (I love harmony, don't you?) would be be a good sized man because there are a few manly chores that need to be done. I don't mind cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry, but the yard is man territory except for my garden and the plants on my deck. (I don't mind doing the laundry but if you can't wipe your ass any better than my husband did, you'll have to do your own laundry and you'll have to do it somewhere else. I have washed my last pair of shorts with skid marks in them and I don't want any to touch my washer.) So, mowing the lawn and raking are a couple of the things that I would expect from my roomie. Since I've been alone for a while, there are a few things around the place that need fixing so bring your tools. My flat head screwdriver is a butter knife and my phillips head is a steak knife. My hammer is a rolling pin and those are all the tools that I have. I do accomplish quite a bit with them but things are sort of falling apart on me so I have about a month of weekends worth of chores for you to help me with and after that, one weekend a month maintenance work will be required. Other duties will include (but are not limited to) killing bugs, changing the furnace filter in a creepy crawlspace once a month, giving me an occasional ride and watching Jeopardy with me. The ideal roommate will be able to answer at least a few questions on Jeopardy so there is a bit of intelligence would be a plus. A triple digit is good but over 130 would be great. I would except an idiot but the rent would be higher to make up for the irritation caused by answering stupid questions and explaining the big words. I just spent a very long time with an moron and I just can't do it anymore without compensation. :) It would be good if we shared some of the same interests because I might want you to take me some place fun every so often. Don't worry, my husband only took me out once every other year so I'm used to staying home a lot...there won't be too many field trips. A cop or an army dude would be best at making me feel safe, but any really large man with juevos would do. Although I do enjoy a friendly debate now and then, I don't argue so you will have to submit all complaints in writing. That not only keeps the loud discussions to a minimum but it also provides both of us with evidence should we ever appear on Judge Judy. There will be no sex because if I sleep with a roommate, I won't receive my alimony and that SOB is going to pay for as long as the court allows. You can have female guests overnight but they can't live here. (See above reasons why I don't want another woman living in my house.) For the sake of my sanity and our continued happiness and harmony as roommates, there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, religous zealots, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. I think you should know that upfront. That goes for you AND your visitors. I appreciate living in a country that allows for freedom of expression in print, the press and in the lifestyle that we choose to live. The ideal roommate will share this philospohy with me. I retain total power of the remote control in my living room at all times but you would have cable in your own room if you must hold one while watching TV. I have a very broad range of interests when it comes to movies but I draw the line at Steven Seagal, karate movies and anything at all to do with Michael Moore. I like football and so must you. I find there to be something inherently wrong with a man who doesn't watch football. It'd be nice if you liked baseball too but that's not mandatory. If you were a Cubs fan I might have to rethink the alimony thing. OK...I think that's all. But as a woman, I reserve the right to change the rules as I see fit. Thanks and have a great day!
Alrighty then, oops, I forgot to change the font. Oh well. Now I have to run and write something.
BRB
Meg
posted by Meg Kelso | 11:44 PM
4 Comments:
One question: What's in it for the roommate??
Well, I've gone to a lot of trouble to make my needs and wants known...I think the roommate needs to do the same. Then, we can work from there.
:):):)
I think the roommate needs to do the same.
You missed what I was getting at. There is nothing in your ad that is an incentive for a roommate a to choose you, as opposed to any other potential roommate. You need to communicate what aspects of living with you in your house set your roommate situation apart from any other. All your ad does is explain what you want, not what you have to offer.
Ah...I see. I DID ask for suggestions so I thank you for yours and I shall now work on an addendum as to what I have to offer as a roommate. Good idea!
BRB.
Meg
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