Good morning!

I was thinking about "extrapolating" some more silliness in my ad for a roommate. At first, it seemed like a silly idea and something fun to write. But, the more I think about it, I do need a roommate and I've been avoiding it for so long because I hate people. But, if I wrote an ad that was extremely specific, I might just avoid the ordinary pitfalls.

Also, I think it would help the potential roomies. If they read the ad and find it to be amusing, perhaps that would mean that we might have something in common. On the other hand, if they read it and say, "That chick's a nut.", they would save a lot of time.

So, I am going to write a longer, more specific ad. The worst that could happen is nothing and that's been happening for quite a while now anyway. So, here goes:


ROOMMATE WANTED:

I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because my lying, cheat of a husband left me here alone. But, there are a few things that I thought that I should mention because not just any person will do. First of all, I don't get along with most women. Secondly, I don't want to have to jockey for mirror space in the big bathroom, find strange men walking around my house in the middle of the night or deal with someone else who is PMSing when I am. If you live with another female long enough, your cycles will start to come at the same time and two of us PMSing would lead to certain obliteration of any friendly relationship that we might have. So, I need for my roommate to be a man. And, he should be a good sized man because there are a few manly chores that need to be done. I don't mind cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry, but the yard is man territory except for my garden and the plants on my deck. (I don't mind doing the laundry but if you can't wipe your ass any better than my husband did, do not apply. I have washed my last pair of shorts with skid marks in them.) So, mowing the lawn and raking are a couple of the things that I would expect from my roomie. Since I've been alone for a while, there are a few things around the place that need fixing so bring your tools. My flat head screwdriver is a butter knife and my phillips head is a steak knife. My hammer is a rolling pin and those are all the tools that I have. I do get a surprising amount of work done with them but I have about a month of weekends worth of chores for you to help me with and after that, one weekend a month maintenance work will be required. Other duties will include (but are not limited to) killing bugs, changing the furnace filter in a creepy crawlspace once a month, giving me an occasional ride and watching Jeopardy with me. The ideal roommate will be able to answer at least a few questions on Jeopardy so there is a bit of an IQ test involved here. A triple digit is mandatory but over 130 would be great. I would except an idiot but the rent would be higher to make up for the irritation caused by answering stupid questions and explaining the big words. I just spent a very long time with an idiot and can't do it anymore without compensation. It would be good if we shared some of the same interests because I might want you to take me someplace fun every so often. Don't worry, my husband only took me out once every other year so I'm used to staying home a lot...there won't be too many field trips. A cop or an army dude would be best at making me feel safe, but any really large man with balls would do. Although I do enjoy a friendly debate now and then, I don't argue so you will have to submit all complaints in writing. That not only keeps the loud discusions to a minimum but it also provides both of us with evidence should we ever appear on Judge Judy. There will be no sex because if I sleep with a roommate, I won't receive my alimony and that SOB is going to pay for as long as the court allows. You can have female guests overnight but they can't live here. (See above reasons why I don't want another woman in my house.) For the sake of my sanity and our continued happiness and harmony as roommates, there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, Mormons, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. That goes for you and your visitors. I retain total power of the remote control in my living room. I enjoy lots of different kinds of movies but I draw the line at Steven Seagall and karate movies. I like football and so must you. I find there to be something inherently wrong with a man who doesn't watch football. It'd be nice if you liked baseball too but that's not mandatory. OK...I think that's all. But as a woman, I reserve the right to change the rules as I see fit. Thanks and have a great day!

OK then, that ought to do it. Any suggestions before I put the ad up?

OH! daisy dude just called...what perfect timing! He's leaving work early and offerred to take me to Chatanooga! We've been talking about that for a while. I'm so excited!

Meg